Today I went to church at the G-Tab with a friend of mine. The Gospel Tabernacle is a tremendously huge church where people worship eccentrically, possessed with the Holy Spirit, run up and down the aisles with streamers and hankies, raise their hands to touch the Glory, dance and weep and speak in tongues.
--
From my vantage point in the back of the sanctuary, I wasn't able to get a good view all of the passionate praise and jubilation at the front. Even as I tried to have an open mind, and tried to not point and stare, I can't help my juvenile impulse to laugh at these "Holy Rollers,". It's easy to think of these people as mere objects of extreme hilarity. But as I found out, these people aren't just religious crazies, they are people I would have considered, based on appearances alone, to be normal townsfolk.

I mean, what did I expect!? Of course with a town this small and a church that big of course I'm gonna run into people I know. It's kind of hard to explain my sense of awe at seeing people I encounter on a daily basis acting like complete raving lunatics. It's as surreal as a dream where you're fixing a go-cart with your ex-landlord.

I won't mention who it was , but I was very surprised at this one individual who spontaneously interrupted the preacher with an entire Biblical passage not 2 minutes after a woman all in a frenzy over Christ, ran up an stage stamping her feet and growling like some kinda cow-dog.

Maybe I should be ashamed for laughing at something I just don't understand. The feeling of that kind of passion, that will make you abandon all vanity, and self-awareness is rarely something I realize. It makes me a little sad that I just don't understand these things; that sometimes I think that I've never loved anything, or have been so moved by something to get swept away.

It's just one of those things that makes me stop wondering why people would ever want to be involved in religion.

Amen.

I've been going crazy for the past week because my computer is non-functional.
I miss my Fark, and celebrity news, and keeping up with my Internet buddies.
I've been meaning to clean this blog up, it's a total mess-- MySpace too, but I don't want to hog my Christa's computer forever.
------------------------------------
Living without the Internet is tough, living without video games is even worse. Since my Hunny took up DOA 4 I can't get no Viva Pinata, or Katamari or anything except Tekken sometimes.
So no digital entertainments...
Last Saturday I went to the Library, THE LIBRARY! Can you imagine?
I've been reading this book about Etiquette, which is completely packed with useful info, just learning some very basic things from this book could help me out immensely in social situations, assuming I ever encounter such things in my lonely, lonely life.. ever.. again...
I highly recommend anyone read up on etiquette it's not just how to place your fork and spoon or how to curtsy, but things you could use every day, politeness things that will not only make your life more enjoyable, but make everyday interactions so much nicer.
Then I've been reading Cosmos by Carl Sagan. I don't care wut you say, I fell in love with him from watching a YouTube. It would probably be better for me to just watch the show rather than read the book because it's pretty much the same material. It would be so much easier if I could see a diagram or an animation explaining some of these ideas. So far this is a pretty good read too, it fills in blanks left by my public school educations, limited memory faculties, and things I generally wonder.
Then I got this book about Innumeracy, which I thought at the time would, If I read the book, and focused on helping myself, I could become numerate, but that's not the point of this book I found out. This book called Innumeracy is about how Innumeracy is a more common problem than is realized by educators and such ppl. Innumeracy is supposed to be a primary cause of people believing in luck, in pseudoscience, scams in general, and other such crazuh ideas.
For example some people don't realize just how great a number 1 million is, or a billion or a trillion. Or how their car exhaust could possibly be causing any damage to the ozone layer, how 0.0006% adds up over time. Even though I can't really understand how to do the Math, probabilities and such, there are some pretty thought provoking arguments there.
----
So you can check out Ms. Na-Na Nayners Nannerbannaners the Wannabe Naughty Librarian when she's running across town to the library 15 minutes before close,
cause that's just how she rolls.

Lord almighty.. I'm just bored. Seriously, I don't know what to do with myself.
I need to get the hell outta town, take a vacation somthing, seriously.
Fucking, cold, fucking snow, goddamn cabin fever...
Yeah and I'm sick of Coudersport townsfolk.
No fuck that, I'm sick of damn near everyone regardless of location.
I'm always being fucking SMOTHERED with stupid.
: (
god-damn! god damn.....
--
All apologies for the lack of eloquence.

Falling asleep at the wheel, Na-Na?

So I been trying to get hooked on fighting the NWO.
I've been acknowledged as one of the Awake.
I'm alone in the Truth.
Or..
I've been curious about what these kids are talking about when they say NWO or Libertarian or Alex Jones.
So I spend a little time every day sifting through articles, watching videos, talking to people, and listening to AJ.
My first objective though is not to prove to myself or disprove any theory or belief, but to sift out the essential bullshit. What seem to be the purest forms of the unprovable, the speculations, fantasy stories, and absolute incorrectness of some claims.
I thought maybe I would call myself Libertarian because I think my values have been shifting in that direction.

link:
(because up is better than down?)

However, mere interest in these ideas and speculations does not make me subject to them.
And..
Stuffing feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

(had to throw that one in there for the kids)
I believe that the government of this country does not serve the needs of it's people.
I think that there is plenty of proof to back this up.
I think that the connections between special interest groups and corporations are ruining the quality of governmental representation.
And..
I think Bohemian Grove is just a wussy farce.

I still have no idea what Libertarian really means or what it would be like to live in that kind of world. I have no idea what I 'm going to do with any of these newly formed opinions about things I never knew I cared about: gun control, mandatory vaccinations, whether schools will let parents decide what their own offspring will learn in school.

It's kind of still a jumbled mess of defending constitutional rights, conspiracy theory, straight-up crazy rantings of dark imaginations.
So it will be a while before I decide what kind of direction I will take, or if I'll be a good fighter for truth--
or if all dismiss it as a load of bull.


Yes.. I'm aware I'm becoming a bore.

It's the Illuminati, I tell you!!!

Interested in politics?
Talk PA political issues, or any political issue of concern to you!

If you don't give a crap about politics, just come on in and have a chat with some friendly local folks!

This post is not about church.

So I'll put the whole, "church memoirs" thing on the back burner for a while, or maybe just scrap it all together.
I hadn't thought out what I was trying to say. I was trying to explain a few things I had been thinking about for the past year. Mostly having to do with abandoning all belief in the Christian god, any belief in the supernatural, karma, fate, and the like.
I feel like I'm born again. I feel more hopeful, more challenged, more alive than ever.
I don't feel like I have everything figured out, and I'm glad there are so many things in the world left to know.
But the things I do know, are in my heart, in my mind. My values and my resolve to do what is right for me, these things are all I really have in life. My hopes die, affections die, life dies, everything is so fragile and fleeting, how can I rationally choose to go on living? How can I go on losing my money, and youth, and health and treasured possessions?
How can I go on when I lose the one I love?
I go on living because I believe in what's most important, things that can't be taken from me, bonds that can never be broken. Memories of those who inspired me, the pride of having inspired or helped them in any way. Friendship, learning from each other, helping others to grow. There are many, many ideas, and memories and feelings.
I can take these things and push onward into the future.

When I was about nine I went to class to learn about First Communion. It was to be the first step in becoming a member of the church. This is when they started to introduce us to some of the doctrine of this particular church. They got into more complex ideas, and told us a little about why we had to do these things. I remember the pastor asking us if we had sinned this week. I couldn't think of a time when I smacked my brother or didn't pick up my barbies when I was told, so I thought I wasn't sinning. The pastor told us that we are all sinners and that we sin every day. He told us something like, that when we sin we were going against what God might want for us. He said something as simple as turning left on a street instead of going right would be a sin. I can't quite remember how he explained it. It was something like if your gut tells us to go right but you feel like taking a joyride on the left street, would be a sin. If you thought about smacking your brother, that would be a sin. If you think about not going to church that would be a sin. I know I'm making the pastor sound like some kind of crazed bible- thumper. But these things were explained at great length in friendly kind of way, not in a fire and brimstone kind of way.
The pastor told us things in a way so that we might understand and I could to some extent. I understood the symbolism of the blood and flesh. I thought it was important to ask for your sins to be forgiven, although I don't think I understood about the point of confession until I was in my teens preparing for Confirmation.
(I just thought of this, but I don't know if it was Confirmation as in being Confirmed a church member, or Conformation as being conformed to a church member. I think It's Confirmation. )
Anyway, we stopped going to church regularly after I did the First Communion thing. We went on Christmas, Easter and Ash Wednesday. I also had to be the Acolyte every couple of months.
When I was Acolyte I would walk up and light the candles, and I would carry the little cups for the blood. I hated that job. Sitting through church was really boring and I hated everyone watching me light the candles and snuff them out. I bet they thought I was SO ADORABLE.

After Sunday School, Momma would either take me home, or we would have to spend, what seemed like an eternity in church. If you ever had to spend any time at all in church, you know how boring it can be for a kid. I spent church time drawing all over the Kids Bulletin, drawing mustaches on faces and playing tic-tac-toe. I tried to slump down in the pew so nobody would notice if I wasn't kneeling for confession, or standing to sing. Gramma wouldn't let me get away with that though.
Usually every-other Sunday we went for Communion. Everyone lined up to get the "Body of Christ" and "The Blood of Christ". I was to young for communion then, but I went up to kneel like everyone else. The pastor would touch my head and say something like, "Linnea the Lord Blesses you and Keeps you," then he would go on down the line, "Bobby, the Lord Blesses you and Keeps you,". Then momma would get the wine she said tasted just like cough syrup, and the bread that tasted kinda like a vanilla wafer without the vanilla. I always asked about some church thing about every time I went.
"Why do you have to get the bread and wine?"
"What does 'Hosanna in the highest' mean?"
But nothing really ever made that much sense to me.
All the worship, the blessings, the reminders of God's grace were completely lost on me.
As I grew up, I really could have benefited from a better understanding of faith, or an understanding of reality. There was no helping this, there is no way that anyone could have explained these things in a way I could understand. Like Christian beliefs, I had some pretty confusing realities flung at me.
When I was about 8 years old, my dad went on vacation for a year. I had to go live at my Gramma and Grampa's house for a while because Mom was always working late. It was a very comfortable and loving environment. Gramma and Grampa took good care of my brother and sister and I.
But I was a very depressed kid. I didn't know it then of course. I felt sick and tired every day.
I missed being home and all of my familiar things, I missed having friends, and I missed my Mom.
I didn't know why things had to happen this way. I knew how they had happened, which was not an easy burden for a kid like that to bear. But, I didn't know why the Lord would choose to punish me by having me born into this family that was being torn apart. Why did I have to know so much sadness and not my brother or sister, or my friends at school?
I felt so anxious, and sad, and nauseous and restless. I didn't know what was happening to me.
My Grampa used to watch the Buffalo news every night, and there was always a story about AIDS or Cancer killing children. I didn't know how you could catch these things, but I knew that they could kill you, I could catch something.
Because I felt so bad all of the time, I thought that I might have one thing or another. I became convinced that I was going to die. I didn't see any connection between all the stress I was under and the pain I felt. My heart would skip a beat or I would feel like I stopped breathing in my sleep. I would think about My Little Pony, to distract myself with good thoughts. But when I felt like I was at the end of my rope I would pray to the Lord.
I remembered,
"Linnea, the Lord Blesses and Keeps you."
I remembered The Lord's Prayer, and to pray for our sins to be forgiven, for the ultimate goal of being taken to heaven.
I would beg the Lord to please spare my life. I would pray that if I had to die, that I would please go to Heaven, and if there were no other option than death, that he would please not let my Mom and my Gramma be sad forever. I was more upset with the thought of Mom being sad and alone, than I was with the thought of losing my life. If I wasn't already crying at this point I would be when I thought of everyone having to go to my funeral.
I never told anyone how I felt, not back then, not now. I felt this way for a year, and was haunted by the feelings for so much longer. Eventually the feeling lifted. I can't quite remember how. It makes me feel really ungrateful that I would take the feeling of relief for granted. Obviously, I realized that either the Lord had come through for me, or there was nothing really wrong in the first place. It was kind of a combination I suppose. I would feel like I would have to pray sometimes in exchange for keeping me well. But as time went on and I felt confident that I was okay, I stopped praying.

Church.

Some of my earliest memories were of the days when my momma used to take me to Sunday School. I remember going upstairs with all the other kids to sing songs with Miss Donna.
We would all gather around the piano, and recite the books of the Bible, "Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers....". Then we would struggle and bicker over which instruments we would play along with "Jesus Loves Me". Every kid in class wanted desperately to wail on the triangle like there was no tomorrow. I always ended up forfeiting my turn on the triangle to bang the empty Country Crock butter tubs, or the sticks that you smack together (To avoid the younger or more annoying kids from having screaming tantrums).

Miss Donna and the kids would totally jam for like 30 seconds on this song:
"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so,
little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong..."

After that we would go sit down and get a Bible lesson from a pamphlet about doubting Thomas, or stories of Jesus riding into the city or walking on water. We would do things like cut out paper fishes and loaves and write what we were thankful for. Usually I was thankful for my momma or our cat Raisin. At the end of class we would say "The Lord's Prayer".

While we said the prayer we had to close our eyes, bow our heads and clasp our hands. I didn't understand at the time what these gestures meant. At that point of my childhood I was still kind of afraid of closing my eyes. Every time I took a bath and momma had to pour water over my head to wash the shampoo out of my hair, I always pictured images like hooded phantoms spiriting me away to their dark land and I would never see momma or Raisin or Mickey again.
I have no idea where I could have gotten these ideas.
So when it came time to bow my head for prayer I got very anxious, and wished that prayer was oooh so much shorter. When Miss Donna got to the part about "thy Kingdom come" I always pictured a dark starless night and extremely spooky medieval castle with the battlements on fire. "Give us this day our daily bread," put a much nicer image in my head, thank the Lord for that, but that fleeting image was quickly smashed when trespasses were mentioned.
Trespasses, I had learned in Sunday school, were all of my sins, I was really a pretty good kid at that age but there were those rare occasions I pulled Bobby's hair, or punched him. I thought about those old Loony Toon cartoons where the devil would sit on a characters shoulder and tell him to do bad things. If the character did end up ignoring the angel on the other shoulder you would know by the end of the cartoon where he would end up.
This is kind of how my concept of heaven and hell was formed. Not by what was taught in Sunday school, but cartoons and stuff I saw on TV. I was just a kid you can't blame me. All that is hard to follow when you are kid. ("So you're trying to tell me there is a Father, Son and Holy Ghost--a three-in-one combo.")
Forgive us our trespasses was kind of heavy. I was asking God to forgive me for things I had done that might land me in hell. If I had died a moment before I was forgiven I might have gone to hell.
So as "The Lord's Prayer" goes on, it says "forgive those who trespass against us",
(not if they don't deserve it, was and still kind of is my philosophy.)
and as it goes on: "deliver us from evil," which was probably the worst part.
Just think of it, Evil is always out to get not only me but my entire Sunday School class and Miss Donna and everyone else. Hopefully the praying kept the Evil away.
Eventually praying would be too much for me and I would open my eyes and see everyone else praying. It seemed that if Evil or Phantoms didn't take them when they prayed, then I was going to be okay. I learned that it really didn't matter if I opened my eyes or not. Nobody noticed if I was praying because everyone else was. Sure my teacher told me it was disrespectful not to be humble while calling up God. But she didn't know, she couldn't have known. God probably knew, but I didn't care, there was no way I was gonna be put through that every Sunday.
I really didn't feel that there was anyone listening anyway.
It was just so bizarre to me, the act of praying. I would recite a bunch of words I didn't understand, (hallowed be thy name) to a being I understood even less, some kind of medieval, Middle Eastern overlord with, like a beard or something. My spiritual well being depended on this crazy God guy. I was being taught to feel shame for my actions, and feel happy about praising something I could not understand.

"The B-I-B-L-E
Yes, that's the book for me.
I stand alone on the word of God,
The B-I-B-L-E."

"The Doxology"

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye Heavenly Host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen

When I think back on 2006,
I'll remember all of those moments of sadness, despair, loss and shame,
I'll remember all of my personal failures, embarrassing mistakes, and bad choices.
But most of all, I'll remember how my friends were always there...

..to laugh at me behind my back.

Happy New Year 2007!

Just kidding!
(Not about the Happy New Year part.)
By all means, have a fucking fantastic year.

But seriously..
2006 went down like bitter medicine.
Not even, probably more like magic Hitler potion.
That turned me evil, and messed shit up.

New Years Resolution: Ther-a-pyyy!!!

Lil' Swedish Nayners wishes you a

Merry Christmas!

God Jul .

Ahhh.. Summahtime. Wait, it's almost December! What the Hell..

Oh yeah, happy b-day to me!

So am I like the only person totally psyched about the election results?
Woo!
I live in a bubble so seriously, I don't know.
I do know that I am proud to have participated in the kicking in the ass of mistah Ricky Santorum. Take that mister number two Republican Senator.
Now this guy Bob Casey is king of PA.

I must admit I didn't really research any of the candidates. Honestly, I forget what this House of Representatives, Senate stuff means. I meant to read up on this, something, anything, so I could make an informed decision. But when it came right down to it, I figured I was just gonna vote one way anyway because most of the Republican's causes are irrelevant to me anyway.
So I just pushed the easy button.

There. Done.
I should be proud. I should think of myself as everything right with this democratic system.
I firmly believe that the douchebag on the left should win...or something.
I picked the right team.

A couple weeks ago I found this informational postcard thing lying on the floor.
It was a campaign thingy. On one half was this photo, professionally taken of mister Santorum, he was smiling and there was something going on in the background like a family playing monopoly or whatever families do together these days. On the other half was a smaller picture of mister Bobby standing behind a podium on a kind of overcast day.

It kind of reminded me of this commercial a long time ago
(I'll just go ahead and say it was for Denny's).
This commercial was comparing a nice, hamburger with a large golden bun, generously beefy beef patty, ripe tomatoes, lush green lettuce, and a side of fries, to a rather sad looking, greasy, gray, lump of hamburger with kind of a smashed up bun, from a fast food place like Mc Donald's.
As the only "information" I considered from this election, my image of mister Bobby is that of a greasy gray hamburger. A Santorum burger sure did look more appetizing, but after all it was just propaganda. And we all know what santorum is really...

This town has been Republican since it began being a town, with all the WASP's and rural-ness going on. Signs promoting Santorum in every other yard. I mean santorum everywhere..
(I'm sorry for the terrible jokes, sigh)

Still the Dem's prevailed. Still I doubt it will change anything.
This government is run more like a business than a country.
It's a country, filled with people, millions of people with diverse needs.

I just don't know where all these special interest groups, lobbyists, corporations, giant gluttonous Tetsuo-amoeba-monster conglomerates are going to take this country.
I think that's where all the power is anymore.
Anyway, I would hate to say much more, because like most American's I'm really ignorant of politics.

I was hungry for a peach, but the peaches on the floor were all dirty. I went outside to find a peach tree. I didn't know if they even grew here or if there were any out in November. Or if someone out there was already picking them all.
It didn't take me but a few seconds to spot this giant tree with the most beautiful fruit I have ever seen. Never mind that it was a white pine tree, never mind that I am deathly afraid of heights, I was climbing that fucker to get them beautiful, sweet, nutrient-rich, peaches.
I hastily leaped onto the branches, my clumsy weak arms pulling me upward. I barely noticed the bark scraping my skin raw. I reached out to grab a fruit when I realized not only that it was out of my reach but it was covered in ulcers on one side and it was kind of moldy.
"Poor peachy, I'm not the only one thought you tasty." I reached out to my right, another moldy peach. " Alright it's late in the season, this tree is filled with a ton of fruit I'm sure If I just swing out to that branch there.. and... no."
I looked at the bountiful limbs above me. Shining in the sun, golden peachy goodness.
I climbed with a grace and fearlessness that was completely uncharacteristic for me. I scanned the peaches, all so bad. How could they have teased me all being so nice and prutty on one side and rotten on the other? I noticed that the sun glimmering on the slime, it looked so unnatural. It gave the fruit a kind of holy looking radiance. I thought that if the bad ones still could be lovely what might the good ones look like? I tried to climb some more, but the branches were brittle and they were spaced far apart. It wasn't just a quest for a peach now, it was the quest for the story I would tell about the flawless peach I would find at the highest bows.
Then it ends.
hoo-ray.

This is where my crappy drawings go to die.
----
Note to Self: Spell checker is always a good idea.

I'm feeling a little crispy around the edges.
Not in a bad, burnt toast kind of way.
It's like:
"A delicate aroma, smooth texture, but also crispy around the edges. Well excecuted! 9.5,"
Kind of way...
Regretfully, when I'm bitten into, you will find I'm filled with that nasty fluid inside those cherry cordial chocolates.
---
Not to self: I should take some time to learn how to punctuate.
Because I think I'm starting to care.

Justin: I'm not working here after tonight 'cuz im winning the lottery.
Willy: (munching on a sammich) 50 million dollars is a lot of money.
What would you do with it?
Naya: I would build a castle on the hill and look down on all the people of Coudersport.
I'd be all "look at you in your little trailers and such."
Willy: What ah you kiddin' me? You like it here?
You mustah been born here.
Naya: Haha, yeah..
Willy: I'm from NEW YOK CITTUH!

Chung Hwa Ban Jeom

Right, so, whenever I stop writing for a day or so I totally lose momentum. I have to start over and refer to my first grade spelling book. A is for what again?
Anyway I felt like shit in August, then I felt smothered and then penitent in September and now its like, "fuck-off October". Yeah just like that, I'll paint all of my experiences and feelings in those fucking red and blue and yellow colors I will, yes I will. Just one more color than black and white.
I always thought 'and' should be a color. It would be like when my preschool teacher told me "paisley was a color," fucking paisley, and that's all I can remember from my Montessouri years.
Anyway, "the head forgets while the heart remembers", I made up that tacky saying because that's just how I operate, on short little quips and phrases, " a penny saved is a penny earned," "love is patient love is kind..", "can you hear me now?"
Why does my head not collect and recollect factiful historical information to draw upon when I need direction. I just think what my heart says and it says "loev foerevuur" or"anger anger, kill kill".
Anyway, I'm writing more like my train of thought sounds in my mind than the way I was taught to write in high squell. Therefore, what I'm saying should be making little sense.
----
I am really good now. Just good, not great. I reserve the description great when I go out and do something totally righteous and/or excellent. I've been sitting around too much, and playing videogames to feel wonderful. This is the way I waste the precious hours of my life, I would be fine with this if only this silly, oh so insignificant, oh so small caged tiger in my heart would stop pacing around.
I've been having a hard time finding a balance, I'm adventurous and bold and shy and retiring and all shades in between. Lately I've been feeling all watered down and my wind is all full of sails again. Then I say hey, I've got a bunch of cool stuff I gotta do. Then it's like I can't do enough, or see enough, or destroy enough. Always its the polar opposites biting each other on the ass.
But I gotta say after everything, all the trouble I been getting into I feel wiser, and more confident and just better, all around better. It has less to do with with any one person or event that the whole shiny spectrum of crap I've gotten myself into.
I don't mean I'm going out looking for trouble, I just kind meet it half way, and shake hands with it and let trouble order me a mixed drink, and a shot, or one, or two, or five.

...and, in other news, it snowed in Buffalo.
Oh yeah, and that congressman is a total pedo.
Up next: an interview with Lindsay Lohan's crotch!

holy shit..
what else can I say!
Anyway, I've been feeling pretty good lately.
I get to see all my best friends again *cries*.
Alright.. I'm sorry for being a sap. I feel blessed, YES, Blessed.
How else could I feel, I've been staring into space and making friends with spiders and rolly-polly bugs. Now, I'm not saying my friends are just a little better company than creepy crawlers..
uh, I mean.. well most of them are, but I just miss all the times we had together.
I feel like I got a second chance and I'm not taking a minute of it for granted.
okay now here's where I contradict myself:
I totally need some major hang out-bonding time with fellow members of the female gender.
Now, I adore all of my male friends, but I swear to god I can only take so much of this chat about
computer parts, and videogames, and home theater systems. God please, I'm suffocating.
Nails, hair, makeup, jewelery, clothes, girly things, these things DO concern me at times. I know I'm usually wash and wear natural beauty tomboy type, but this is just too much, gwaaaargh..
I have to catch up on my gossip and damn if I don't have a lot to tell, it's like carrying a loaded gun around, I bloody swear. I'm gonna shoot myself in the foot or somthing.
Somebody save me!

Things are totally shaping up, I do say.
Yeah so, I was all like "Hey lets move ALL the furniture," and Brian is all like "okay"
So the living room is now in the living room.
Where it should be.
Right.

Disney/Dali amazingness:
Destino

Thank you, my sweet deity, for giving me such wonderful friends.

I wasn't going to post anymore because I thought that anything I would try to say would just be exponentially stupider than the last. I think I'm out to totally embarrass myself trying to explain really personal feelings in my blogthought words.
But I look back on previous posts, and I suppose I could only do better.
There are a lot of things I just wish I would have said plainly.
Its all vane ramblings.
Trying to explain in the most honest words what its like to be me, what it is to think like me.
It's useless because you can't really know anyone, and useless because I'm just a person, and as a person you already know what its like to feel like a person.
Yeah that's one of the reasons I have a blog, to show everyone who I am 'cause I'm just so damn wonderful.
Ooooh wanna know the second reason? Its 'coz I want to entertain myself. You know, The person who learns to laugh at themselves has a lifelong source of entertainment. OMG I'm fuckin HI-LARIOUS.
The third reason would be to entertain others, and I think It's worked pretty well, if by "entertaining others" I mean making them go blind by reading absurd blocks of text that don't really say anything.
The fourth reason that I hang out with Mr. Bloggy, is that I can communicate through him. This works pretty well too especially when I spit poison but mean to say I love you.
When I say "POISON" you say "TREE".
But I can't blame it on the blog, there is something so inherently fucked up about my thinking, and when mixed with trying to talk to individuals but worrying of others will take it wrong things get so messed up. I'm so form over function that it is just wrong.

Last year I was fortunate to stay a week with my best friend Christa down in glorious Punxy.
I needed a vacation to clear my head, try to sort out what kind of possibilities there were in the world for me, outside of Coudy. I know it's impossible to really figure that stuff out in a week, especially in a hole like Punxy. But anyway..
In my estimation, I really suck at being a friend sometimes, but its not from a lack of trying.
I guess it's easy to feel that way when you gotta go through hard times together and you don't know how to handle a situation you've never been in. I was there, I listened, tried to say anything, not just anything.. but somthing. I tried to say somthing useful. I tried to be of some comfort. I guess I could relate to this kind of situation. I don't know if I should attempt to make these kind of compairisons. .. well guess who's name came up. Who was the person I couldn't get off my mind.
That was a year ago almost. Asked me a year previous to that and the answer still would have been the same.
That was a pretty long week down in Punxy. I had a lot of time to myself to just sit around and think. I would lie around and ask myself the bathtub question. The question I always think about when I'm up to my neck in bubbles. It's kind of hard to explain.. its kind of like this:
Is it true that everything I could ever hope to have I have already, and everything I could be I already am. I'm not sure how to make it make much more sense. Honestly, I would hate to think that right now I couldn't have any more happiness in my life if I tried a little harder, or just simply chose a more logical path. I hope this isn't all I can expect ou of life.
I get stuck in ruts all the time, I'm feel pretty weak and inferior, I feel like I have to cling to the things I know to find any happiness in life.
Lately I've been considering my life subjectively, and objectively. It's somthing that I've always done but never really called it a name. Well we just compair good and bad.
On one hand I live in this cozy house, with a beautiful view of the hills (if you can ignore the PennDOT barbed wire fence and buildings). I'm surrounded by wonderful people that care very much for me, and i for them. I never go hungry, I don't have need for much money, and I have no interest in most any material possesions. On the other hand I feel like I have to bend to everyone's wills, make everyone happy at my own expense. I have to live with this undeniable pain and anger about stupid shit that happened a decade ago.
I just long to break free of everything, I want to be independant. I don't think I have to neccissarily trade all of the hapiness that I have now for cold uncertainty. But do I really want to find out? Damn, I guess it's called growing up.
I always question what I've done and left undone, wrong or right.
But I just can't question wanting.
(I'm too tired to continue, and damn if this keeps making less and less sense to me. goodnight)

It's pretty funny just how close I have to put my face up to the screen to be able to see without my contacts in. Less than four inches I'm guessing.

It seems I forgot to check my in-box in the last THREE WEEKS..
I only thought Nintendo ever e-mailed me!!!
Yes, I'm a total dork
Damn damn damn...
Now what am I supposed to say?

I would feel much better if I could just pour my heart all out.
My "heart" changes from one day to the next, so anything I say.. doesn't matter much?
I gotta stop thinking that one thing I feel one day is the beat all, end all, true definition,
the moment, the one. It's so hard for me being such a dumb kid, I think that a year is a long time, I can't fucking wait until Christmas.
...posting on my blog, I hate to think that anything I write here would be understood as the final word on any of my opinions, and I hate to think just how much could be misconstrued. I've been utterly stupid in the way I types itty bitty bits of text ....holes, fruits, dreams...without the context. It seems I don't take as much consideration into the thoughts and feelings of others as I probably should. As I should.
When I think about how my thoughts and blog-thoughts differ. I think of this episode of the Twilight Zone where this young guy who works at a bank gets the power of mind reading for one day. The young guy just listens in on all of his co-workers thoughts, and in particular to this old man who was a trustworthy, reliable and had worked at the bank for decades. The young guy becomes convinced that the old man will rob the bank, and leave the country. But it is later revealed that "taking the money and running" was just a fantasy the old man uses to get through the day. He had never intended on actually doing this thing.
My blog is, at times just free thought. Many thoughts aren't expanded upon, there are many amendments to be made. I just don't know how much of this crap can be taken seriously...
I can't say that what I'm writing doesn't matter much, I've really affected a lot of people whether I've meant to or not. I've posted what did matter to me, I post what does matter to me and I've posted what mattered to me at the time. I didn't consider what might matter to others.
But what matters to others is not what this stupid blog journal is about. Then again It is public, it says things that involve other people. I should take more responsibility. I could tell you to take some responsibility for your own damn self, and instead of you jumping to conclusions, just ask me. But that isn't always possible. I can't be a pushy bastardess and tell you what to do. That's just more of me ignoring how you feel.
Obviously I should maybe establish some guidelines to follow here. Perhaps my personal thoughts should belong in my "book of things im not supposed to have" (my personal diary).
Some ideas are dangerous, I should not point the weapon at myself, or anyone, unless I mean to destroy. I shouldn't imply that I know anything about anyone. Cut the drama..
I dunno, make it all boring.
I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've said, but I guess I gotta leave them, some kind of testament, some kinda memorial, but more important than leaving it there, I have to remember to look back, remember to remember. It would have saved me so much heartache, to learn from my mistakes.

Hello World!
I guess, I'm posting for the sake of posting.
I've doing a lot of thinking lately.. and that's.. pretty much.. it.
I'll let you know how that thinking stuff all works out.
Sorry for not having anything useful to say.
Hoo-ray

I can't stop thinking about you.
I can't make this feeling go away.
I've realized too much, too late. It's killing me.
I don't know what to do.
My heart is aching so badly.

I know this sounds totally lame, but I think I'll start drawing cartoon strips again.
Just the idea of it fills me with rapture. YES! RAPTURE!
Oh, the demented ideas I have, oh the evil glee, the simple stupidity,
..the challenge.
I hopes I can remember how to draw.

I just don't know how to describe how much this hurts.
I've never cried so hard.
It's the life I've designed though, with my own lies.
This is the world I will live in, along with every ounce of pain I've caused.
The walls I've built to keep me from the pain, now block me in.
It wasn't worth it, it isn't worth it.
Nothing ever seemed to be worth so much.

I'll be here for quite some time it seems.

It doesn't make much sense:

I guess I could find some satisfaction that I tried to live as well as I could,
the best life that a stupid, pathetic, lost person could.
I don't believe in the afterlife, is just more of the same "before I was born" nothing stuff.
I feel that life is precious, it makes me want to search and live for greater things knowing that this is it.
I was pretty young when I began to truly appreciate the richness of life.
As I grew older and experienced more things and grew aware of lifes complexities, I became intimidated.
Isn't it supposed to be the opposite, I don't know.
I built my house on the sinking sand.
I'm not proud of the way I've been living my life. I'm very weak in my convictions.. bleh.. just fucking look at me, I'm practically screaming "Take advantage of me!"
Life still matters to me, all I want is to grow, and keep everything that matters most to me, close to me. I just can't have what I want right now. Who needed more than I had to give?
Changing doesn't matter when you don't know what you want. I just wanted to be good enough. Change...what kind of puffs-of-air rhetoric are you gonna come up with this time to defend this holy war, Naya? ...like, just exisisting is a moral dilemma.
It's all just black and white and 100 mph.
One thing I've wanted was to be in love. I've been raised on totally fantastical ideals. Disney movies and radio love songs. I wondered why those love stories don't end up more like mom and dad, or auntie, or like mr. neighbor (i mean as bad as you can imagine).
My "love" story ends like this:
we get into some kind of fight, probably because I'm jealous of him. I'll be all like "Oh he thinks I'm a bitch, hey. I'm gonna chase him down in my SUV. hey. We will see who is a bitch." I'll accidentally, but totally on purpose run him over, then purely accidentally back over him again. I'll be destroyed and remorseful about backing over him again, because he didn't deserve that one. But I'll always be confused about whether I really meant to run him over and kill him in the first place.
This is the way it's been, I'm so scared that it might always be that way. It makes me sad that I might only know a life of regret.

how could i have let this happen?

You remember when McDonalds had those Happy Meals where you could get either the Hotwheels car or the Barbie?
Sometimes I asked for a Hotwheels car.

I've been busy moving down to my parent's rental apartment. The house behind the house that nobody really knows about. It's a 1940's dream house. It's actually in pretty decent shape.
The previous tennants left this thing on the wall; it looks like an injured man
nailed to a wooden "T", someone sure did have a sick sense of humor.
Anyway, I have no idea what im doing. I know I'll save a lot of money living here, and splitting the bills with Brian. Maybe I'll find somthing to look forward to in the future. I don't know. In the meantime things aren't so bad. As long as I stay off drugs and stop prostituting myself out, I'll be just swell. I wish I had some kind of higher ambition to shoot for.
bleh...

how do you measure spiritual growth?

hahaha... it's esoteric.
get it? haha

Okay, Naya, you can stop saying stupid things any.. minute.. now...
right.
let's go!
awesome!
--------
Going after what I need is not selfish.
This time I will not mix the apples and oranges.
We do not need to bring the fruit salad into this.
I've made about a years worth of mistakes in about 3 months.
Now that I have a better outlook on what not to do.
I can do it now, I can prove it, that I'm strong.
Not for anyone but myself. The rest, will fall into place.

Sometimes Nana wonders if she isn't just trying to fill the hole with more holes.

"The Fourth of July" is just plain tacky.
There are a bunch of drunks up in the mountains, blowing up trees with quarter sticks.
There are three blondes lighting sparklers in the Darrin's front yard.
Buster is in the bathtub, shivering with fear, from the scary boomy noises.

Note to self: Start experimenting with self-tanner in January.
I'm all streaky!

I had the best week ever!
I got to hang out with Christa and Sterling and Sammy on the weekend, and Nate on Tuesday.
Soooo happy!
Okay now I'm sad.
I guess its just you an me now, Mr. Bloggy, sometimes I think you are the only one who understands me.
Totally.
I mean, "all encompassingly".
Yeah.

Today, Moonbeams got a roll of flypaper stuck in her fur.

OMG The Da Vinci Code, the only book in history to raise teh provacative questions.
yay!!!!!11

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending the day at the Johnson family reunion!
It was a total blast! Yay Johnsons!

Were gonna party like its 1895!!!



Bon thinks she hears voices on the other end.

I'm a princess.

There's one in every room.

Bon cracks a safe.

Naya breaks in.

G'ma is the boss.

G'pa writes a sermon.

hiya!

4:30 am. It seems I fell asleep with my brain on. This is similarly as destructive as leaving the refrigerator door open all day. Am I gonna hafta throw out the eggs now? Is the milk still good?
Yeah it probably is, but now I'll be suspicious that there will be some evil kinda bacteria just waiting to give me e-coli.

Okay I know it doesn't make sense..

I've been overthinking, and worrying just like I always do--I'm such an anxious lady.
I'm pretty sick of having my own voice echo in my head all day everyday.
I do get the opportunity to talk to my sister, or Brian or my momma and I'm not alone, but when those chances come, its like the thing Christa said one time
-"The cockroaches scatter when the light comes on".
I feel extremely isolated, and its very hard for me to just talk and communicate with people.
It doesn't help me much, that most of my buddies have had the good sense to evacuate this hick town. But the ones that have not, I just find talking to them kinda awkward and a little sad, its just all the time we have spent apart. All the good times we didn't have together. Like the idiot I am- I can only concentrate on the bad things, and the things I don't have.

This month has been soo long, and by this month, I still mean May.
It's halfway through June and I'm still lamenting May. I had a very bad "break-up" (for those of you who don't already know). I'm really scared that I'll never have a normal relationship because of my poor communication lack of skill. It's so hard for me to even imagine I could ever change. There were years I should have spent at church, or on the basketball team, or actually giving a damn about the art club. Connecting and socializing. I've spent most of my life relating to fictional characters, videogames and movies.

I guess I'm still a novice at these things maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
But all this silence pretty much goes back to those last 20 years of my life, yeah, all those years I should not "underdissrepresent". It goes back as far as I can remember. All those years of being "the shy kid" and the "artist". All those years of neglect, everything I've never said anything about, all the pain. I just keep quiet.
Always I just keep quiet to keep everyone happy.
If everyone is happy there is no conflict.
I'm terrible with conflict, I just fail at resolving anything.
So I just do whatever to please anyone.
But this I found, does not make me happy either.
It's not right at all to be so dishonest to everyone I love. It's not right to torture myself.
So after many nights of thinking and crying my eyes out. I decided that the most important thing I could ever do for myself was to do what was right for me. To really concentrate on what I value. But what the heck is it that I value? I've been dumb for such a long time, I've ignored so much and forgot everything.
I wish that I could just wake up and live the way I want to.
I feel that some things could just change over night.
But as I'm finding out, most of the changes I want to make must take time. I know I'm making some progress, but its creepy-crawling, inching. The hardest part is getting disheartened all the time.
I just can't quite express how utterly confused I am about many things that have been going on in my life. I feel kinda sick from flipping over an over through space. I wish I had some kind of anchor too keep me in place. Or at least a "you are here" dot.

The other day, a humming bird flew so close that I felt the vibrations of its wings on my face.

I'm embarassed to admit:

• Recently, I cut out pictures of Hello Kitty to hang on my wall while I listened to NIN.
• Sometimes Disney songs give me goosebumps.
• I am getting really good at macrame.
• I like some country songs, some I think are sweet and pure and some I think are clever.
• My cat is named Tiara Moonbeam Princess and I sing songs to her about how cute she is.

Today I'll let my personal posessions speak for me.



goat
pandas
orient
bears



kenny
manatee
junk

"If you envision life as a grindstone-and life can be difficult-will the grindstone sharpen you or will it grind you into dust?"

That's right. I'm only 20. Yeah, =) I'm just 20. I have a lot to learn, but things won't always be the same for me. It's easy to feel like time is passing me by what with everyone I know already having babies, getting married, engaged, and finding the man of their dreams, at this point in their lives. I've done some really stupid things. But I'm not an unsalvageble wreck. I'm only 20 I have a lot to learn.
But at the same time I don't want to underdissrepresent (just made up a word cause I can't think of the right word) the last 20 years of my life though. I've been through shit. I could have handled situations better, I can learn from the past.
I will be the best person I can possibly be, as I know how to be. I will stick to my values, I'll really think about what my values are. It is so important, I knew it all along. I must know my own heart and do the best I can for me. I feel kinda sad sometimes that I need a fire lit under my ass sometimes to get me going. I just knew all along what means the most to me.
I feel a little silly sometimes forgetting, but time, complaicency and misfortunes can make me forget what is most important to me. My momma says I'm too lackadaisical. Honestly if you woulda asked me what I would liked to be when I grew up when I graduated highschool I would have told you I wanna be a revolutionary. Haa Haaa HOO! Just how do you prepair youself for that kind of career choice!? Anyway, saying that, it is obvious that I desire to become a responsible person, an outgoing person, a challenging person. It's obvious to me that I've put off my own desires for way too long, its nobody's fault but mine. Though I can say circumstances have not been...they aren't the kind of circumstances that I can flourish in. I just have to get over that though, it feels like a very vast, obstacle, not having much opportunity in this town for employment, and being dirt poor all the time. I just have to get over it. I'll do my best with what I have.

Okay. Why didn't it dawn on me earlier that I'm trapped in a stupid little town surrounded by vast nothingness that I can't cross with dreams, wishes and starlight.

...training for the Special Olympics bouncing in chair event.

Every day, since Easter, I have jogged the entire length of the "old railroad grade". I never imagined that I could ever run that far. Now I'm doing it every day. It's just amazing!!
It's like I woke up one day and the angels blessed me with stamina.
Running off on my own gives me plenty of time to think..

Today I got called into work, right as I was about to run out the door for my daily jog. I was all warmed up and everything, to go work at subdungeon. I was planning to go with my family to wherever this morning, but I couldn't, so they left me in the dust.
Though we usually go to stinky old thrift stores and the increasingly unimpressive Olean mall, we always have a ton of mischevious fun.



This is one of my Momma's "artistic installations"
at the Hornell Salvation Army.
This one she calls "Adoration of the Barbeque".

Bon is having a species identity crisis.


This one is funny because Bon was scared that spiders or bugs or
bad smells would get all over her, and she was screaming
"GAHH, TAKE THE PICTURE NOW, DO IT NOW, EEEEEE!".

It's the perfect time of year to commune with nature.

I'm in the middle of an e-bay frenzy.
It all started a few days ago when Brian decided to generate some income by experimenting with sellin' shit on the internets. Ol' Tom Darrin found out about this and encouraged Brian to sell Tom's antiques. It kinda seems like they business partners now. At this moment they are taking dozens of pictures of the junk they expect will make them hundred-aires. I can't go five minutes without Brian runnin' in here and looking on the computer to check the pictures he just took of ceramic Disney figurines. Or checking up on how the car speakers, and Yu-Gi-Oh cards are selling.

Today I feel strong, like a woman of steel. Like I could do anything.
...maybe I should do something.
I hope this isn't just the Naya of the day. Usually something in me says to not indulge in feelings of power, or any feeling of confidence. Thats I'll just sorely dissapoint myself when I say or do somthing arrogant. That I don't deserve to feel good about myself because I'm stupid.
Oy! what I wouldn't give to be smart, and quick and rational. But anyway...
When I was cleaning my old room today, I found some of my crazy ol scribblings from back in honors english. I wrote this question: "Is introspection selfish?". Somthing like that.
Well is it? Is it like vanity? Is it true that the more time you spend looking at yourself in the mirror the more vain you are? The more time I spend blogging the more obsessed with myself I become? Yeeeeeck!
Vanity, Vain, vane, vein. I might be better of not asking myself these questions.

I'm all sorts of confused. Like my sense of direction is all nutzed up. It's like the phenomenon where a housecat, used to living in one location all its life and then is relocated to some new and far away location, will think it still lives in the old place. The cat will try to walk itself back home, sometimes hundreds of miles, using its instincts of direction. Yeah thats what I must feel like.
I feel like my whiskers are all twisted.
Slowly though I'll get a hold of my senses. Right now I need to take a long, thoughtful survey of my soul and find out what it is that I need, and what I need to do right now.

I don't have the internet at home amymore because our computer does not have a wireless card. We don't have a wireless card anymore because Brian had to give it back to his boss when he just decided not to go to work anymore. In most instances this is a bad idea, to just not go to work anymore. In reality though, it wasn't work Brain was going to, but slavery: working from 8am to 11 pm 6 days a week and maybe, maybe getting paid, $120.00 a week. Now he can look for a new job, or be my little house husband. Now I have the responsibility of paying rent.
Life is crazy, so I think I should serously start planning for the future. I dunno what to do.

It feels like my winds are full of sail...blargh.
mid-afternoon loneliness, head ringing with silence.
confession: I have 17 rolls of toilet paper.
That's 16 and one half more than you probably have.
E-Harmony dot com, because your naturally evolving relationship is not good enough.
E-Harmony dot com, because you can't possibly meet your one true love in your own hometown.

If I had known that the soup cans had easy-open tabs on them I would have eaten them sooner.
I'm starving.

Chicken and Biscuits is the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
I wanna rub warm biscuts all over my naked body.
I wanna climb the nearest water-tower and spraypaint "chicken and biscuits forever".
I totally had a Chicken and Biscuit-gasm.
--And just when I think things can't get better, I find berry blue-lemonade kool-aid in the cupboard. I'm drinking it right now..
"Ohh Yeah!"

I Love Brian Lucas.
Brian must be my soulmate because he knows what Panda Bears have to say.
Brian is the cutest kind of cute that there is, you can't comprehend just how very cute that cute is because no mortal (except for me) has ever witnessed that much cute.
Brian is the rational voice in my head that figures out things I just don't get.
I love the silly songs he sings to me, and just how well he speaks "M'ercan".
I love how he sticks his tongue out everytime he sniffles.
It's silly how Brian is as stubborn and cranky as I am (though he doesn't realize it most of the time).
I just love to be with him, and walk around and drive around with him.
I like to have someone to care for and to be concerned about, I never have to feel lonely.
He makes me feel happy, and secure, and loved.
He makes me feel good about myself when I can't think of one thing that is good about me.
He is my friend, and he is my lover, he is my reading buddy, and my swimming buddy.
Brian buys me cookies and video games and things to keep me happy and fat.
Brian will do anything to make sure I'm happy, and feel loved.
I love Brian's silly cheshire cat grin, and his whiskery face so full of love, and whiskers.

I'l l release that emo kid I keep inside.
---
I'm not nice. I don't know how to be nice, and happy and giving.
I don't like that I don't get attention for being everyone's angel.
I don't have much of a personality, and I never know what to say.
I'm just distant, just a spectator-- a commentator saying much too little much too late.
Nobody really likes me.
I just feel too stupid to identify with smart people.
Too irrational for rational people, to un-imagineative for free-thinkers.
Too boring for people who party, too mischievious for straight-edge-ers.
Too quiet to be normal.
My opinions don't matter to anyone.
I'm too pretentious, too silly, and (obviously) extremely forgettable.
If I dissappeared tomorrow I wouldn't leave behind anything that couldn't be replaced.
---
I don't feel any sadness it writing this, is it because it's not really how I see myself? Maybe I just accept things the way they are.
---
I'm a little empathetic, and somewhere in my heart i'm a little brave too, and I'm kinda knowledgable about things. I'll grow up, I'm the only person I know who has to conciously work on growing up, but I will be something good. I'll even work on doing what I say I'll do.
Well what choices do I really have?
I can't think of anything else to say.
I'll put the emo kid away.

I got a Hello Kitty Juicer.
What do you got?
You ain't got shit if you ain't got a Hello Kitty Juicer.
..bitches

Ha Ha, Fooled you!
I'm not really moving at all.
Well maybe not for a long time.
I have no idea, I thought I was, things change.
I'm always the last one to know about everything.
The silly thing is though I told everyone I was moving to Bradford.
Oopsy. I'm just anxious to get out of Coudersport and experience not-Coudersport things.
It's probably best to stay where I am. This is a really fucking sweet place Brian and I got here.
I should be counting my blessings.

Okay, it looks like I'll be moving much sooner than I thought. As soon as we find a suitable apartment and get a car we're outta here.
...But now that I think of it, that could be a very long time away. Wish I knew what the hell was going on.
Right now I can't say that I care about moving away from here, but then again it may just hit me hard later on.

Sorry for misleading you, well I guess I really didn't lead you anywhere because it doesn't seem I'll be moving to Galeton after all. You see, I spend about 4 hours in Galeton for the Fireworks each year. The hole we were considering was the apartment above Fox's and it is ugly and reeks of pizza.
It seems that I could be moving to the glorious city of Bradford now.
There is a 90% chance of me staying in Pennsylvania. So, I guess, my future is still pretty uncertain.

So it seems I might be moving. To a place that reeks of pizza. To Coudersport 10 years ago.
I MIGHT be moving in less than three months. I really don't have anything better to do. I think I'll be happy there, despite the fact that where I'm going lacks, recreation, and social diversity . Actually I can't say for sure what is good or bad about this place because I never spent more than one night a year, at the most, a this place. Got a clue what I'm talking about? Probably not.
But I'll be sure to fill you in as the circumstances develop.

Fortunately, there was no crap on my clothes.

Note on the Refrigerator 2-7-06:
Naya * =)
When doing the wash please do a full load.
Also the dog took a major dump in the basement and I cleaned it up but some got on your basket, I am not sure if it got on your clothes but I cleaned the basket the best I could so be careful-Bonnie

I got a cell phone

1-814-558-9880

So call me.

Hooray for frequent updates.
Not much to tell except I've been living under a rock.
Oh yeah and I did somthing I promised not to do, I got my hair cut and dyed blonder. So am I out of the pretty hair club? Well I think its beautiful, best haircut number one!
Brian and I got an x-box 360 and Dead or Alive 4.. I think its 4, its pretty but I think I like me some Tekkin5 better. I bought a $30.99 Nine Inch Nails special edition disk set as a reward for all of my hard work at Subdungeon. Oh, look at me bragging like a preteen about how much money I spent on my All American Rejects T-Shirts and my brand new Vans. I'm just not used to spending so much money on myself, I'm so thrifty and cheap.
Anyway Subway is the best job ever except when I have to assemble subs in a line like mass production in a factory, start to finish over and over and over when it gets really busy.
I don't feel like asking, "are you sure you need ANOTHER footlong sub fatty?" Like I wanted to say at Original Italian Pigfest. "Yeah, another footlong but smother it in ranch dressing and bring out 50 more hot wings while your at it." People that come in to Subway seem to have more conservative appetites. Speeking of piggies I'm trying to loose a few pounds by eating healthy and exercising, let's all count together I've already made it one and a half days, If I actually attempt to go to the gym tonight we will call that Two days. Also I have to remember to not drink soda at work tonight, and to not smother my sub in mayo and bacon, pepperoni, ham or salami. No Italian BMTs! And certainly no cookies.

I spent Christmas at my Gramma's house, like I always do. I had lutefisk and korv and rice pudding for dinner. Brian didn't seem to find our feast to be tasty or edible for that matter.
But he got to open presents with us!
Now observe me bragging about my material gains:
I got a digital camera, and two Final Fantasy wall scrolls from Brian.
I recieved warm jammies, slippers, a hat and a cell phone from momma.
Earrings, and a scarf from G-ma.
and a multitude of gift cards from everyone!

Hooray for migranes, or perhaps I'm just having a mild stroke? I freaked out at work when I coudn't see the left side of Swirvin' Irvin's face as I was handing him his usual small cup of coffee, and then I couldn't quite make out the numbers on the cash register because I had spots in front of my eyes. Then I tried to cut some bread but couldn't see the blade of the knife. Then I'm all like "I think I need to call a doctor,". But I didn't, I told Stacy I was having a migraine and that we needed to call somebody in. I just knew that either I was gonna die or have a terrible headache and nausea.
As soon as I got home I felt sick, and pain was throbbing in my head but I couldn't find the drugs, so I walked all the way to my momma's house and stole her very last IB2.
I wonder if it is weak to complain about a headache, but when I suddenly can't see, and I think I'm gonna die well I just donno what to do.
(This was a post from the 23rd of dec. just didn't get arount to posting.)
Later on Christa came to visit me, and we made swedish paper heart baskets. Yay.

This is the second night in a row I've almost died in my sleep. If it isn't dreams about the sky falling down or atomic bombs dropping on me, its avain flu, or fire. I keep having these wacky dreams that I'm about to die in some horrible manner, and I close my eyes and my heart beats so fast I think I'm gonna have a heart attack. So yall just better wish me bon voyage already.
I think its because I've been sitting around watching too much news, MSNBC, CNN and even the douchebaggy FOX news. I don't know why the hell I watch so much news anymore. It's probably because I just can't get enough of those pundits slamming each other. It's kinda like my substitute for watching football, or basketball, its one of my favorite sports.

Okay, so this is old news, but I'm making it public,
I work at subway now. I will make you a sammich, or a sandwich.
I personally prefer sammiches, but thats just me.

Sometime between last year and now I turned 20.
I'm not a tweeny teeny-teen-teen anymore, so I'm taking down all of my posters of Green Day and The All American Rejects, (well maybe I'll leave the ones that I got out of Teen People.)
I got a kitten too. Don't know what to name it. I just call it "cute" and "AWW CUTE AS ALL HELL!".

In this season of giving thanks, I would like to take a brief moment to consider all of the things in life that should be fucked in the ass.
fuck coudersport
fuck the food service industry
and fuck cable television

"I'm going back to the OLD Naya."
There is no shame in being happy Naya.
There is shame in masking all of your true feelings to just be agreeable.
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Is it better to comfy and complacent, or to make sacrifices that will only spin ones life into uncertainty?
Is their any real point in asking myself these questions?
Am I making myself sound like an idiot? Should I really care if I am?
Have I lost my identity?
Is my identity and personality attractive? What use would it be if that were so?
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I was told that caring too much for other people is self destructive.
Do I reach out to people, I perceive as weak, to try to save them from the problems in their life, when I ignore the problems in my own?
I do acknowledge the problems but I don't do a damn thing.
Am I where I should be?
Can I really say I'm doing the best?
Do I feel serene or jaded?
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Tune in next time and find out!

So we shipped Bob off to the Navy yesterday. I guess thats all there is to say about that.
The Darrins went shopping in Williamsport at whatever their crummy mall is called. I got an Inu Yasha fluffy, fuwa-fuwa, cuddly soft blanket, and an Umbrella Corporation wristband, a Vash keychan and a purse from Guess that was $42.00 but I got it for $20.00.
Last night I broke into my savings for my shopping trip to Erie so what was once a wallscroll, three boxes of strawberry pocky and an anime chick action figure is now digesting Subway, McDonalds, and Sheetz sandwiches. Now I'm sad and poor, my livelyhood having been stripped away. Now left to consume Tuna without mayo and ramen with dehydrated corn.
Woe is me and my unfruitful life, the vine without any grapes!
Thats okay, food stamps are comin' next week! I hope...
So this is the season that turns the autumn leaves from green to brown, like my emotions from hope to somthing......... brown...
Well thats life, and looking around I guess I don't really have anything to be sad or anxious about.

I got canned Friday night. Man, I knew it was gonna happen soon, but not that soon.
I dunno the real reason they fired me. I'm guessing that they just didn't like me. They probably thought I was creepy for not talking or somthing like that.
If they would have told me that I was inefficient-- that I took sloppy orders, worked slowly and messily, and got in everyone's way, well I would have believed them and I might feel a little more at ease to know what the hell I was doing wrong.
They fired me for really flimsy reasons though, that "Customers complain that I don't check on their tables." While I admit to not checking that frequently in the past I definitely have been improving within the last month or two and I definetly checked and double checked thoroughly when I was told to do better. Even if I did miss a table or two it was because I was making a sub, taking a phone order, at the cash register, or waiting at another table or two or three. Even when I ask for help nobody would come to help me, and if they did help me with one thing I would still have to do somthing besides. If my unability to complete all of these tasks at the same time was unaccceptable than you should have fired me for that.
I swear though that they must have been searching for reasons to fire me because its just bullshit. I was checking the tables.
The other reason was that "A customer complained on our web site that you looked stoned."
Another waitress told me that people say she looks stoned all the time.
Did they fire me because they thought I used drugs?
I don't use any sort of drug what-so-ever.
Did they fire me because I wasn't chipper and enthusiastic enough?
(heh.. heh.. yeah.. thats probably it)
Well they could have just told me I wasn't doing a good enough job being welcoming and friendly instead of insulting me. "....you look stoned.."
Then the bullshit of "Oh, I just found out 20 minutes ago that I would have to fire you." Bullshit
Even I knew for a full week that the axe was gonna drop.
Its just as well though, it would probably have been worse for me to continue to work there than to just move on...
I'll leave it at that I guess.

Ahh haa haa...

Bwa ha ha,

MWAAA HAA HA

HEE HAAW

HOOOOOG!

HAVE FUN IN SCHOOL!

Is it just me, or does pop music on the MTV and radio really REALLY suck. I know it is supposed to be bad, but it just seems really awfully terrible. It seems its growing exponentially worse with each passing month. Maybe I'm just really out of it.
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I went to the potter county fair a couple days ago. Anybody else go? Wasn't it GREAT!
Just like the Maple Festival the County Fair lost its magic when I was too old to ride the kiddie rides. Well actually I'm not to old or too big, it just doesn't seem like much fun. Being smashed against the sweaty smelly sides of the 'Round Up' or 'UFO'. I would like to remember the fun I used to have, the way it used to be. Riding the Round up with Christa when the pirate guy ran the ride or turning myself upside-down on the UFO. That was the fucking shit!
Now.. I just like to go and see the cows and piggies and horses and the bunnies. I patted a cow on its nose and it looked at me like "WTF".
We tried to walk though the cow barn to get to the piggies and horses--and do you remember "running the gauntlet" in elementary gym class, where they toss the nerf balls and frisbees at you? Well, we had a similar experience doging the streams of cow urine, cow pies and cows making cow pies. We lost courage and had no choice but to turn back.
The thing that was really worth driving all the way to Millport for was to peer down the middle of the BINGO hall and see everyone's fat rears hanging off the benchs. I think I saw myself in a few years there. I ate some fried dough, and mini donuts and a soft pretzel, I don't mean I ate them all, I shared with Mom and Bon.
As we were about to leave momma bought Bon a squishy sticky mouse and Bon squeezed it to hard and it popped and sprayed mysterious sticky liquid on the ground. Mom said she can't remember the time she saw two dollars go down the drain so fast.
Well, I can. That was when I saw Matt Sallade use a claw machine a the Olean Mall.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow and I am so excited! WOO YAY!
I feel so schlumpy and tired all the time. This is absolutely what I need to make me feel all perky and stuff again! I hope I can keep going everyday for forever, but I bet I'll run out of money or be too lazy to walk outside when it gets cold.

I went to a party and kind of socialized a little bit. It's been some time since I've had an opportunity to actually hang out with my friends and talk to some people I don't know at all.
Of course I completely wasted this opportunity and kept to myself, but I did enjoy seeing everyone.

I'm kinda living at 310 Vine Street. Thats Brian's apartment if you didn't know. If you ever wanna hang out or need to speak to me that is where I will be. You can also send me mail and ransom notes at this address because it is my official mailing address. Please come over some time seriously! I'm extending this invitation to anyone.

I'm taking a computer class at the Potter County Education Council. I'm learning absolutely everything I already learned in Office Tech in high school but I'll have a $350 dollar piece of paper that says I'm proficient in it!
Maybe I'll take other computer classes so I can qualify to be an Adelphia or Telcove drone!
Wish I had somthing exciting to say..

I'm a busy working lady now. I think I'm going to have to work much more than I was told I was gonna work.

Lord Jesus deliver me! Nobody from OIP has called and I'm starting to worry I won't get that splendid, splendid job. I weep..
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I am officially a drain on society. Your parents tax dollars go to my food stamps and medical insurance! AH HA HA!
so uh, thats it!

So, it seems I will be a part-time waitress at OIP pretty soon. I'm excited because now I will have money but also nervous because I am such an ass-backward screw up. How could I screw up waitressing? I'll show you!
Anyway, I am very thankful to Sammy for setting me up to get this job, like you have no idea. Totally.
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I passed my drivers permit test, and I have my drivers permit. The trouble is that I don't get much driving time because my parents are always busy and I have to split the time with Brian. I'll never learn. But Brian is doing really good. He is so hot when he drives.
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I'm moving up in the world, (ha HA HA). I'm still way behind. I won't be considered a human until I go to college.
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I am lonely. I feel almost completely alienated by my friends. It just shouldn't be this way. Whats going wrong?

Brian's B-Day
5/7/05
The anniversary of when Brian fell out of the cutest cloud in the sky.
We went yard sailing, and went to Radio Shack and the town had a festival and a parade in his honor.
We stopped at a bar in Roulette and Brian had an awesome hamburger and pizza and a few songs on the juke box. Brian had a birthday wish come true, and had reoccuring birthday nightmares. I suppose it had to be one of the better he has had. I love my Brian.
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The Maple Fesitval sucked. I guess it really hasn't been that interesting to me since I got too old to ride the kiddie rides. Brian and I went yard sailing instead of hanging out downtown. Brian planned to get us up early so we could snatch all of the good stuff, and we did. I got a Tenchi Muyo movie, Kiki's Delivery Service and two Sailor Moon Movies at a yard sale (I just can't kick this anime habit). On Friday, we picked up a Sega Genesis with Sonic 2 and Sonic 3D and Street Fighter 2 Super, and Eathworm Jim 1 and 2. So the yard sales made up for the sucky festival.
The art show was probably the best part about the Maple Festival this year. I only won an Honorable Mention ribbon which is kind of a dissapointment, but I understand that they can't give me a Blue ribbon every year, "good lord, give the children a chance (haughty laugh)." So I guess I gotta come back and kick everyone's ass next year.
Anyway, I absolutely have to tell you this:
My G'ma and Momma were chatting with this courthouse maintenence man during the festival. The maintenence man told them how the carnee (carnival people (is that spelled right ?).) people showed up a day early wanting to set up. Since they weren't expected for another day, and the port-o-potties were not set up yet, the carnee people had to think of a suitable place to loosen their loads. Well, you know how there is a stairwell on one side of the courthouse (well if you didn't know, you do now) that leads to some offices in the basement? The maintenece man had to clean up all this carnee excrement, maxi pads and everything. They just squatted over the stairs....

Two days ago I was browsing my old journals from way back, to see if my writings had any intellectual substance.
It seems that 11 year old Naya was half retarded.
I present to you a list of people who annoyed me most, written on the date of November 17th 1997:
top ten people that annoy me
10. Christa Haskell
9. Cecil Dubots
8. all contry music singers
7. Nathan Salladay
6. Dad
5. Barney*
4. Mr. Rodgers**
3. Jed Davis
2. Bonnie
1. Bobby
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*The purple dinosaur
*The cardigan wearing, special television friend.
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Here is a poem I wrote sometime in '97:
Look, Look lights in the sky,
the fly down low and they fly real high in the sky.
Where they go I do not know.
Flashin Flashin in the sky why there there
I do not Know.

I started a big fuckin' fire today.
So I was thinking about doing some chores today so that I wouldn't look completely lazy. I dragged this hefty black bag that was dripping with dog piss out to the burn patch. I was going to burn some papers. I thought it was a nice day, and not too windy. Big mistake.
Now, I usually take a minute to think about how flammable the wooded surroudings are: The big white pine surrounded by brown needles, the dead hemlock trees, and the abandoned tree house playset, not to mention the dry, brittle brush piles lying between everything. I always imagine the fire spreading from the burn patch to the brush to the dead hemlock and the pine needles and to the trees causing a massive conflagration. Yet that never stops me from lighting that match and torching that massive pile of newspapers sitting on top of more newspapers and more newspapers. Only when the fire had been burning for a few minutes had I realized that it was a bit more windy than I had supposed. I threw a couple of thick branches on the fire to keep the wind from blowing it around, it seemed like a problem solved. Well I went back inside of the house to see what Brian was up to. I called Christa too. I was in the house for about five minutes and then I went to look out the window to see what the fire was up to and I saw a lot of fire. "Thats a lot of fire," I thought for a second, and then I realized that the fire had spread to the trees just like I imagined it would, but I imagined it happening to someone else. I ran outside with a bucket full of dog piss water and I realized that it wasn't going to be enough. Some neighbor lady was standing in the side yard and was all like "You better do somthing about that, call the fire department." So I ran back inside and dialed "914". Then I said "shit" then, dialed "911111", then I said "shit" and then I dialed "911" and the phone wasn't on and then I tried to turn the phone on and it wouldn't turn on, and I said "shit shit shit". Brian came down stairs and asked me what the matter was and I said, "look out the window there is a fucking fire, and the phone won't work, shit." Brian said he knew how to get it to work he was shaking that damn piece of shit phone and told me to "go out and tell Bon to get away from the fire." Bon was splashing water on the fire, and some Penn DOT guys were spraying the fire with extinguishers from behind the fence. Thank fucking god, somehow that actually put it out. Bon dragged the garden hose out and it didn't reach to the trees so we had to keep filling buckets and dousing everything. The neighbor next door who is a vampire actually came out in the daylight and sprayed the fire with his garden hose and helped rake up the remaining brush. I guess he isn't a vampire after all he is actually pretty nice.
I wonder if I'm gonna get yelled at for this, its not like its entirely my fault that the fire pit is built too close to the trees and that Bob stacked all that brush and shit there. I am so thankful that those people came over to help stop the fire. I'm glad that we never did get in touch with the fire department because I probably would have gotten fined, and it would be so damned embarassing.

I feel so incompetant, every action that I choose to take is just a slight variation of the same mistake.
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Is my heart breaking?