Monday, February 08, 2010
Everything You Know and Want is Totally Wrong
I never know if what I'm doing is right.
It's a hard thing to confess because it just sounds so ignorant;
it would seem that I just have not sat down and really looked inwardly.
I'm young, I know... but it gets harder to use that excuse.
I'm sensitive. I get upset easy and overwhelmed with problems that most people say I should not get so worked up about.
Depression. Good old fashioned Depression runs strong on both sides of my family. I might have always been depressed but it gets so much harder to deal with as the years pass. It's harder to deal with as I gain more responsibilities. Going to school was hard. I felt so alone.
It's harder to deal with now.. The isolation makes me so sad. I don't feel like I'm fun to be around. I see my friends, and they all have their own families. I go to school for 8 months and everyone's lives go on, but mine is the same when I get back.
I don't have a basis to form values on. Throughout my life I've put little consideration into getting married and having kids; things society says a woman should do. I suppose I've been going along with this vague notion that I would start a family when I could afford to have one. Then I start a relationship with someone who never wants to have kids or get married and then I suppose he has a very good point. I want to be an artist. I'll probably always be poor if I go into art. I think that being an artist is kind of selfish and time consuming, and how could I manage a family like that. Plenty of people do, I know. But me? I wish I could have had more experience being around people with children to get a better idea of what that kind of life is like. Sometimes I envy people who have their value structure all laid out for them. Life is so much simpler when you don't have to second-guess yourself.
Marriage. That sickening word. I always thought I would get married.
I start a relationship with someone who wants to get married and have kids, RIGHT NOW. Well, it seemed that way. It was okay because I could make him wait. Then I didn't want to. Then I decided I wasn't getting married. I realized he was so wrong for me.
So I meet this man that I love so very much. I want an enourmously lavish wedding fit for a princess to show him off, and to show us off as this fantastically perfect couple. He doesn't want to get married. I'm insulted. What on earth could be wrong with me that you would not feel the same about me? Is this kind of like how I realized that some other guy was wrong for me and decided not to marry him? Why am I so wrong for you?
It sounds childish..
I'm no believer in that institution really. To think that I'm wasting time in another frivolous relationship makes my heart suffer.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
People ask Atheists questions like,
"don't you feel hopeless thinking life has no meaning?."
At one point in time, this question might have made sense.
But all the same, ideas of spirituality and awe are not lost on me. To truly understand that you are a part of the universe and were once one with the singularity of everything. To know that we are billions of years in the making is a very awesome and humbling idea.
My view of the world, as empty of supernatural influence, does not make me feel hopless.
If someone asks me if I feel hopeless, I would say "I assume I'm not more or less full of despair than anyone else." Life is full of uncertainty, and we all have our ways of dealing with it.
I am curious in the same way the faithful are.
I want to know how Christians can just go about their lives with hope even thought their God is invisible, unknowable, omni-present but at the same time never there when something terrible happens. How can people live with a dead-beat father in heaven? Don't they feel hopeless when their prayers aren't answered? Don't they feel confused when they follow plans seemingly set out by father god, are plans gone awry? Don't they feel burdened when they always have to be subjected to the will of something formless but large as life?
I might sound critical of the Christians but I'm just expressing my ideas in the best words I can choose. I really have this curiosity and despite my disbelief, I don't want to completely cut off my mindset from the spiritual believers. I have my ways of getting by. It's not prayer, it's thoughtful meditation, it's not communion it's socialization, it's not blind faith, it's active learning that gets me by. I've always felt this way, and it sets me apart from the congregations I've been exposed to. But I don't think we should just be separate. We need to be able to discuss our differences soberly, and politely to be able to really grow ourselves in our spirituality and knowledge.
"don't you feel hopeless thinking life has no meaning?."
At one point in time, this question might have made sense.
But all the same, ideas of spirituality and awe are not lost on me. To truly understand that you are a part of the universe and were once one with the singularity of everything. To know that we are billions of years in the making is a very awesome and humbling idea.
My view of the world, as empty of supernatural influence, does not make me feel hopless.
If someone asks me if I feel hopeless, I would say "I assume I'm not more or less full of despair than anyone else." Life is full of uncertainty, and we all have our ways of dealing with it.
I am curious in the same way the faithful are.
I want to know how Christians can just go about their lives with hope even thought their God is invisible, unknowable, omni-present but at the same time never there when something terrible happens. How can people live with a dead-beat father in heaven? Don't they feel hopeless when their prayers aren't answered? Don't they feel confused when they follow plans seemingly set out by father god, are plans gone awry? Don't they feel burdened when they always have to be subjected to the will of something formless but large as life?
I might sound critical of the Christians but I'm just expressing my ideas in the best words I can choose. I really have this curiosity and despite my disbelief, I don't want to completely cut off my mindset from the spiritual believers. I have my ways of getting by. It's not prayer, it's thoughtful meditation, it's not communion it's socialization, it's not blind faith, it's active learning that gets me by. I've always felt this way, and it sets me apart from the congregations I've been exposed to. But I don't think we should just be separate. We need to be able to discuss our differences soberly, and politely to be able to really grow ourselves in our spirituality and knowledge.
Hello Kiddies!
This is what's up.
I'm currently going to school at Edinboro State University. I'm a Graphic Design major in the second semester of my freshman year.
I'm loving every minute of this. I'm loving every minute of this??
To tell the truth, there doesn't seem to be much of a scene here. The town outside of the campus is small, smaller than Coudersport. Which leads me to think that I much prefer Coudy to this place. At least all my friends are there, and everything is in walking distance. I love my nowhere town, what can I say!?
So I feel I'm in the doldrums. The friends I have made.. well.. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm there with them or not. I guess that's what I get for making friends with little or no social skills. I just feel kinda bleh.. I feel kinda outta touch with the kids here. Stupid me for waiting so long to go to college? Maybe its just these dumb kids. Such narcissists... or just preoccupied with their own little worlds? Am I a snob? A little I guess... but still, I'm disheartened by the fact that I've only met a couple of interesting, engaging people here.
Perhaps, I just expected too much....
I miss my Bebbeh. I just don't know what to do with myself. I sometimes think, what am I trying to do? I'm not some Graphic Designer tool. You silly nay-chan, you're no college student.
I guess I am. I have to be. I feel like it's a little unnatural. Sometimes I think that not wanting to be a disappointment is not motivation enough. Maybe, it would be best to just drop out and drop out of everything I know. This is just a passing thought. Structure is what I really need, and after all I'll be better off in the end. It's not like I don' t like art or designing.
I must confess I'm pathologically lazy and school majorly cuts into my leisure time. Maybe the typical mindset for a college student.
I'll figure it out I guess. Michael gives me a lot of confidence. Whenever I get apprehensive about school, I just think of what he went through in college.
If he can do it, surely I can..... right?
This is what's up.
I'm currently going to school at Edinboro State University. I'm a Graphic Design major in the second semester of my freshman year.
I'm loving every minute of this. I'm loving every minute of this??
To tell the truth, there doesn't seem to be much of a scene here. The town outside of the campus is small, smaller than Coudersport. Which leads me to think that I much prefer Coudy to this place. At least all my friends are there, and everything is in walking distance. I love my nowhere town, what can I say!?
So I feel I'm in the doldrums. The friends I have made.. well.. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm there with them or not. I guess that's what I get for making friends with little or no social skills. I just feel kinda bleh.. I feel kinda outta touch with the kids here. Stupid me for waiting so long to go to college? Maybe its just these dumb kids. Such narcissists... or just preoccupied with their own little worlds? Am I a snob? A little I guess... but still, I'm disheartened by the fact that I've only met a couple of interesting, engaging people here.
Perhaps, I just expected too much....
I miss my Bebbeh. I just don't know what to do with myself. I sometimes think, what am I trying to do? I'm not some Graphic Designer tool. You silly nay-chan, you're no college student.
I guess I am. I have to be. I feel like it's a little unnatural. Sometimes I think that not wanting to be a disappointment is not motivation enough. Maybe, it would be best to just drop out and drop out of everything I know. This is just a passing thought. Structure is what I really need, and after all I'll be better off in the end. It's not like I don' t like art or designing.
I must confess I'm pathologically lazy and school majorly cuts into my leisure time. Maybe the typical mindset for a college student.
I'll figure it out I guess. Michael gives me a lot of confidence. Whenever I get apprehensive about school, I just think of what he went through in college.
If he can do it, surely I can..... right?
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A Grand Adventure at the Ball Park
A couple weeks ago Michael and I up-and-decided to go to Pittsburgh for a Pirates vs. Rockies game. It was a beautiful day--really a picturesque day for Pittsburgh. We got lost looking for the park and missed the first couple innings. Which was actually sort of all right because we had crappy seats in the outfield and I really couldn't see much beyond Mr. McLouth (pictured above).
He made an awesome catch right in front of our seats which was pretty much worth the price of admission. I also thought I was gonna catch a home run ball in my forehead, but it landed on the other side of the fence where Mike could just barely touch it.
The Pirates lost but it was all good times.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
She loves you NOT.
It's the average Sunday night at your favorite chain restaurant.
You politely ask for a that chicken and bacon thing.
She stands there and makes "that chicken and bacon thing," but with this attitude, this look as if to say:
Not only did you offer sexual favors to my boyfriend, and to my dad,
BUT YOU PROPOSITIONED MY DOG TOO?!
no..I can't prove it..
..but I know all about you!"
It's the average Sunday night at your favorite chain restaurant.
You politely ask for a that chicken and bacon thing.
She stands there and makes "that chicken and bacon thing," but with this attitude, this look as if to say:
Not only did you offer sexual favors to my boyfriend, and to my dad,
BUT YOU PROPOSITIONED MY DOG TOO?!
no..I can't prove it..
..but I know all about you!"
Regular Customer
A Tuesday afternoon at your favorite chain restaurant. The doorbell alerts me to the presence of a hungry patron. I shuffle up to the hand washing sink, greet the customer, wash hands, wrestle with fingers of my food preparation gloves.
I stand at the appointed place, with the knife and paper in front of me.
An ordinary middle-aged individual of below average looks.
He stretches his neck out and squints at the menu above my head.
A signal to show he has not decided-- more effort than necessary.
Seconds pass, he looks in my general direction.
He asks, "Can I get a..."
--"AYE AYE AYE!", interrupted Ozzy Osbourne.
A ring tone.
The man clumsily grabs for his cell; his doughy arms shifting to left pocket and right.
"Hullo?"
His poorly drawn tattoos were covered in a haze of ginger colored hair.
(Some people think a t-shirt with torn off sleeves and a camouflage trucker hat is a good look.)
I wait quietly, patiently.
"Just gettin' some subs, ya want anything?"
I wait patiently.
A Tuesday afternoon at your favorite chain restaurant. The doorbell alerts me to the presence of a hungry patron. I shuffle up to the hand washing sink, greet the customer, wash hands, wrestle with fingers of my food preparation gloves.
I stand at the appointed place, with the knife and paper in front of me.
An ordinary middle-aged individual of below average looks.
He stretches his neck out and squints at the menu above my head.
A signal to show he has not decided-- more effort than necessary.
Seconds pass, he looks in my general direction.
He asks, "Can I get a..."
--"AYE AYE AYE!", interrupted Ozzy Osbourne.
A ring tone.
The man clumsily grabs for his cell; his doughy arms shifting to left pocket and right.
"Hullo?"
His poorly drawn tattoos were covered in a haze of ginger colored hair.
(Some people think a t-shirt with torn off sleeves and a camouflage trucker hat is a good look.)
I wait quietly, patiently.
"Just gettin' some subs, ya want anything?"
I wait patiently.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thursday, November 13, 2008
CATS
cute, fuzzy, welfare cases... all of them.. ungrateful little jerks.
Most of the time Pumpkin Daisy can be found either sleeping or staring into space. One time I was eatin' on a chicken thigh and P-Dizzle jumped on my lap and stole it right off my plate. She never did anything like that before or since. Pumpkin is one of those aloof cats, except for when I had sick days at school she would lay next to me on the couch and keep me company. She also helped me do my homework by lying on my textbook.
This is Tiara Moonbeam Princess or Moonbeams as we now call her. Take a good look at her, this is what the face of death looks like, Moo-Moo' s kills everything that moves. She's a pretty silly cat who can't meow too good, and her tail curves an curls like a snake.
Mr. Smudge is the cat-baby that I love so much. Professor Smitchell Mudgerson of Mudge University, was a sickly kitten who had crusty-swollen ears and fleas. But you wouldn't know that now, he looks regal and majestic. I've hired a body guide for him to protect him from people who would steal his golden eyes. They are real gold. Smudge will bite you for attention.
Mr. Mokujin Mokers, or Smokey is a hadsome cat, who loves attention. We don't know where he came from.
..Nester eats cat food. I suppose that doesn't really make him part of the club.
cute, fuzzy, welfare cases... all of them.. ungrateful little jerks.
Most of the time Pumpkin Daisy can be found either sleeping or staring into space. One time I was eatin' on a chicken thigh and P-Dizzle jumped on my lap and stole it right off my plate. She never did anything like that before or since. Pumpkin is one of those aloof cats, except for when I had sick days at school she would lay next to me on the couch and keep me company. She also helped me do my homework by lying on my textbook.
This is Tiara Moonbeam Princess or Moonbeams as we now call her. Take a good look at her, this is what the face of death looks like, Moo-Moo' s kills everything that moves. She's a pretty silly cat who can't meow too good, and her tail curves an curls like a snake.
Mr. Smudge is the cat-baby that I love so much. Professor Smitchell Mudgerson of Mudge University, was a sickly kitten who had crusty-swollen ears and fleas. But you wouldn't know that now, he looks regal and majestic. I've hired a body guide for him to protect him from people who would steal his golden eyes. They are real gold. Smudge will bite you for attention.
Mr. Mokujin Mokers, or Smokey is a hadsome cat, who loves attention. We don't know where he came from.
..Nester eats cat food. I suppose that doesn't really make him part of the club.Saturday, November 01, 2008
Happy Halloween!
What's this guy smiling at?
Last night I handed out candy and bible verses with my best buddy Stuntman Mike. Those little twick-o-tweeters were sooo damn cute! I saw ninjas and princesses and a giant banana and a trashcan boy. Bon stopped by with her annoying friends. It so nice to see teenagers trick-o-treating with such enthusiasm.
It was freezy-weezy outside, I was wearing my hat and gloves.
My pumpkins turned out totally awesome.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I really love this time of year. I wish I could show you all the awesome things I saw the last couple of weeks on my little outings. This picture is the view out Christa's window. It actually looks a lot nicer in the pic than the real thing..
I feel great. It's crazy what's this strange swelling in my face? I think I'm smiling too much.. is that bad for you? Everyone is telling me how much happier I look...
I don't really want to seem like a sap... but
I'm really into this person I'm seeing. The day I met him I just felt there was so much potential..
Okay I know this really isn't telling you much, I just don't have the time before work to get my thoughts out..
Thursday, September 11, 2008
So..
A lot of things have happened in the past few weeks. This time I REALLY don't know how to tell you about them. I feel like I should try because one of the reasons I keeps a blog is so that people can learn from what I do and say -at least a very little little bit...
All I can say is that I was miserable.
Now I have a chance to be happy.
I feel that this decision was right, the time was right.
There is really no convincing me otherwise.
this is me climbing the wall
there may not be anything on the other side
no one to catch me if i fall and..
i'm okay with that
A lot of things have happened in the past few weeks. This time I REALLY don't know how to tell you about them. I feel like I should try because one of the reasons I keeps a blog is so that people can learn from what I do and say -at least a very little little bit...
All I can say is that I was miserable.
Now I have a chance to be happy.
I feel that this decision was right, the time was right.
There is really no convincing me otherwise.
this is me climbing the wall
there may not be anything on the other side
no one to catch me if i fall and..
i'm okay with that
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Hello everyone! I just started my new job at the cube farm. I want to tell you all about how much fun I'm having, but when you work at these kinds of places you gotta be careful what you say. So I'll not talk good or bad about it. I would rather not wish that I type up something that could be googled and then everyone would be all up in my bidness. It would probably be the same if I went and worked at the Hospital. Anyway, life is a little confusing for me right now. I don't exactly know how to tell you about it. For the first time in a long time I've been seriously considering my future, I think I said this before, maybe the February of last year. But this time I'm actually preparing myself to do something about it. Which in essence, means I'm wanting to go to school and planning out how to get there. Yeah I know it's a crazy idea for me, but since the two choices of employment I have are not really jobs I want to waste my life on, I have to do something to preserve my sanity. I also have plans to move out of the shack I live in currently. It's not that is too small or a bad place, I guess I'm just wanting to move away from the past. I want to be able to rely on myself a little more too.
I'd like to say that I feel really happy now. I'm afraid though that I'll get scared and give up my plans as per usual.
Nana collapses like a flan in a cupboard...
I guess my only comfort is as long as I take care of myself first, and do what's best for myself I should have to worry about failing, or what anyone should think of me.
Well..that's it for today......
Happy Wednesday!
I'd like to say that I feel really happy now. I'm afraid though that I'll get scared and give up my plans as per usual.
Nana collapses like a flan in a cupboard...
I guess my only comfort is as long as I take care of myself first, and do what's best for myself I should have to worry about failing, or what anyone should think of me.
Well..that's it for today......
Happy Wednesday!
Friday, July 11, 2008
What I did on My Summer Vacation
by Naya
Room 101, 3rd period English
Brian and I went with Christa and Sterling to celebrate The Fouthajuly like a true 'Mercans in Niagara Falls, Canada. The drive up there is mind numbing, it takes forever and you run through mostly uninteresting villages. I'm not saying I don't like scenic drives in the country but oh mah gawd..
I've already been to Buffalo twice in the past couple of weeks with my grandparents to pick up and drop off my uncle at the airport.
Did you know there was a man by the name of Cornelius that lived in Machias that's been pushing up daisies for at least 10 years by now? I didn't knew I cared but my G'pa makes it a point to tell us every time we pass that village.
The worst part about the drive is coming home. Ever since my father drove us into a ditch and almost in front of a train, I've had this horror of the driver falling asleep at the wheel and making me die.
by Naya
Room 101, 3rd period English
Brian and I went with Christa and Sterling to celebrate The Fouthajuly like a true 'Mercans in Niagara Falls, Canada. The drive up there is mind numbing, it takes forever and you run through mostly uninteresting villages. I'm not saying I don't like scenic drives in the country but oh mah gawd..
I've already been to Buffalo twice in the past couple of weeks with my grandparents to pick up and drop off my uncle at the airport.
Did you know there was a man by the name of Cornelius that lived in Machias that's been pushing up daisies for at least 10 years by now? I didn't knew I cared but my G'pa makes it a point to tell us every time we pass that village.
The worst part about the drive is coming home. Ever since my father drove us into a ditch and almost in front of a train, I've had this horror of the driver falling asleep at the wheel and making me die.
So anyway the falls were great, they absolutely thrill me every time I'm there. I pretty much hated everything else in the Niagara Falls location especially the Clifton Hill area. It's places like that that make me despair for humanity. What a heap of trash. I guess that's all I'm gonna say about that because I should probably dwell on the good things.
Christa and Sterling have some friends in Canada, we met them at the falls and they really seem like our kinda people in a general sense but more like Christa and Sterling's kind of people. Like a bizzaro Canadian Christa and Sterling if I may be so bold. ..
I didn't really get a chance to talk to them because of the constant flurry of esoteric Ragnarok discussion. It was mostly my problem, I just didn't know what to say even after enjoying a couple drinks. But it all went well. Brian was really excited to jump on that Ragnarok train. I rather prefer not to get deep into anything RPG anymore. Sworn off RPG's for life after Final Fantasy 12. Yeah I know, I completed Lost Odyssey last month. But that was it I swear....
My Taekwon Chippy is totally cute
kicking shit is fun
Saturday, July 05, 2008
I love Pandora
Check it out you probably will love it too.
It's s thingy where you type in your favorite band name and then it makes up a play list of songs that you might like by different bands. It's based on the style of song, tone of the vocal lead and other such factors.
On the day I discovered it I'm all like "Pandora is my new Jesus". I told my mother about this and she is all like "so they just sort you, and categorize you, that's not the way to listen to music."
I'm like uh well.. I know it's kinda lame like that.. and man I'm a tool.. all extruded and pooped out... BUT IT'S SO COOL!
Look you joy kill. I like music. I don't have a scene, but I prefer it that way.
How can this bored provincial find some new tunes that really speak to my soul?
a surrogate for having cool friends, pooping out a play list--
Call it what you will it just works for me.
Check it out you probably will love it too.
It's s thingy where you type in your favorite band name and then it makes up a play list of songs that you might like by different bands. It's based on the style of song, tone of the vocal lead and other such factors.
On the day I discovered it I'm all like "Pandora is my new Jesus". I told my mother about this and she is all like "so they just sort you, and categorize you, that's not the way to listen to music."
I'm like uh well.. I know it's kinda lame like that.. and man I'm a tool.. all extruded and pooped out... BUT IT'S SO COOL!
Look you joy kill. I like music. I don't have a scene, but I prefer it that way.
How can this bored provincial find some new tunes that really speak to my soul?
a surrogate for having cool friends, pooping out a play list--
Call it what you will it just works for me.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Lately I've been taking a few minutes here and there to take a closer look at the candidates and really learn about their history, who their friends are, and who they really are as people.
Does this candidate have what it takes to pull this country through this war and failing economy?
Does this candidate really have my best interests at heart?
Who looks best in a swimsuit. (you probably wouldn't guess Bob Barr, but I would! ;D)
I watch CNN, and often times I'll browse forums to get some down to earth real opinions from real people. I've even glanced at the cover of Obama's biography like, probably, a couple times.
But to get the most out of my time I really need to ask myself
The questions that really matter:
Does this candidate have what it takes to pull this country through this war and failing economy?
Does this candidate really have my best interests at heart?
Who looks best in a swimsuit. (you probably wouldn't guess Bob Barr, but I would! ;D)
Obligations to my publishing company Battlescabs Ltd. requires me to post this dumb ad.
What do you think McCain is hiding in his cheek?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
You haven't heard from me in a while
now have you...
I've been constantly busy, the way adults talk about being consumed with work, trying to organize time.
Nurses Aide Training for the last three weeks and working at Subway too.
I don't feel like myself walking around in the hospital.
------------
I'm having a lot of difficulty expressing myself lately.
My head is all underwater and it takes a while for the words to float their way to the surface.
I'd like to feel like maybe my concise way of speaking was charming. I think it's just annoying.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Lindt Gold Bunnies are almost too cute to eat.
In all seriousness, I've had this thing in my fridge for a month and I could not bring myself to bite into it until I had this debilitating chocolate fit. I even bought myself a box of snack cakes to keep me from eating this thing's face. Bun-Bun would rather be warm and cozy in my stomach than spend another day in the freezer--At least I'd like to rationalize it like that.
After all these weeks of casual flirting, we were finally alone. I pulled him close to me and slipped my slim fingers under it's delicate, little red bow. I tugged it gently over his head. The thought that my cravings would be utterly satisfied by him, caused my anticipation to rise to an unbearable limit. I savagely tore the golden flesh from his body and sunk my teeth into his creamy darkness.
R.I.P.
Here lies Golden Bunny he was tasty.
Right now Cadbury and Lindt are waging an epic war to win supremacy over my heart.
In all seriousness, I've had this thing in my fridge for a month and I could not bring myself to bite into it until I had this debilitating chocolate fit. I even bought myself a box of snack cakes to keep me from eating this thing's face. Bun-Bun would rather be warm and cozy in my stomach than spend another day in the freezer--At least I'd like to rationalize it like that.
After all these weeks of casual flirting, we were finally alone. I pulled him close to me and slipped my slim fingers under it's delicate, little red bow. I tugged it gently over his head. The thought that my cravings would be utterly satisfied by him, caused my anticipation to rise to an unbearable limit. I savagely tore the golden flesh from his body and sunk my teeth into his creamy darkness.
R.I.P.
Here lies Golden Bunny he was tasty.
Right now Cadbury and Lindt are waging an epic war to win supremacy over my heart.