Went to Odd Fellow's Circus. When me and my posse entered the gates of the Gargoyle Park our lives forever changed...
or uhh.. maybe not. There were a good... 50 people there. The black clad spectators were really getting into the music. They were positively bursting with rythm emotion-- they just stood there in a line, 20 feet from the stage smoking cigarettes. We pretty much did the same until Changing Skins were up. I tried listening to the music but I was entranced by the guy with the blue mohawk, and the guy with the dreds. Our little group got right up to the stage, and we moshed. Yep we all moshed the hell out of each other and other people too. After that we all put our little fists in the air, a tribute to our famylies, and all was well with the world. Blue Mohawk jumped off the stage, along with his orange haired cohort, almost bludgeoning me with his guitar. After their set we were lured to the band's booth so they could persuade us into buying their junk. I got my shoe signed by two of the people in the band. Miek and Jessica got their breasts signed. The lead singer rubbed his blue mohawk on my chin, I feel blessed. The next set was of some band with a bald guy. He rubbed mud on his face, but I don't think he was high. I liked the message of that bands music, but didn't really like the way it sounded. I kind of glazed over the rest of the day. It was kind of crappy out and rained all day. There really weren't many more people coming, they all came at night when we couldn't see their ugly faces. Sylveran had astounding sound for a bunch of middle school kids. The lead singer was only 13 and he fucking screamed like every other lead singer. I find it mildly amusing he drank water out of a gas can. Dog Day Sunrise was either before or after Sylveran and the lead singer sounded like Special Ed from Crank Yankers when he talked. Dog Day Sunrise was the only band I had heard of up to then, but they didn't play any song I knew. Slaves on Dope was the last band of the night. I kinda think they were full of themselves but, eh, what band isn't? I like the fact that we got to chat with most of the bands. I woke up this morning pretty sore, stiff neck. But no terribly painful injuries. I think Katie had a concussion cause she had hit her head and was shivering and stuff, I think she sould have been taken to a doctor. I bet Christa has 203482304980584098 bruises, but she is no worse off than the people she gouged with her spikes. I know I'm gonna get a hella lot of e-mail cause I signed up on every list. I got a free CD with two songs, yahoo! lol

Ah haa haa... a bible story that I didn't learn in Sunday School

King James Version, Second Kings 2:23-24
23: And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up that way, there came forth little children of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; Go up, thou bald head.

24: And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood and tare forty and two children of them.

Extreme Bible Story

You ever think that some people are really fuck ups? (When I say "some people" I mean me. I dunno but I think maybe I've just been disillusioned. I believed that everyone has some redeemable characteristics. But I'm beginning to think that I'm a fuck up. I can't remember a time when I've done somthing right the first time. Its just so odd to me... that everything I can think of points to one indellble fact that I am a screw up. And for some odd reason it all falls upon me now. I guess I have some responsibilities to fulfill as a senior. I have to start on a path to some shining destiny...lol... but I feel mystified as to where I should start and what I should be doing now. (well actually, I know I should be doing my homework but uhh...) Somehow I don't think I can do it by myself. In fact I'm quite afraid of what the future will bring. I know I shouldn't be because fear only breeds more smelly fear. I know that the future can only be better than the past.
Back to what I was saying about fuck ups. I need to do somthing right. I know probably it won't be on the first try but I have too keep on doing it until I get it right. So I might still be a fuck up to some extent, but a fuck up who has done somthing right, somthing good. Thus, having done somthing right, I will have restored my belief that there is somthing redeemable about everyone. If someone as weak and fruitless as me can do somthing right then anyone can.

I'm sorry, but its more like I'm humiliated. I can never help but feel unworthy to stand in anyone's presence, anyone. I even feel that way around you. I try always to be a better person, but I fail so miserably, I'm just so ignorant, on how to make things better for myself, for you. I don't understand how you feel, I don't. I always try to say the right things. I feel guilty sometimes because I fail so often. I just don't know whats going on.

:B skool is fun and I like to go to skool and see my freinds and tlak to thum and they like to talk to me and I do a lot of homwork that I dont like but I like to sit in studee hall and teese the boys and read books and storys and take vokabulare tests.
--Last few days.. um week in a half I am now considered a Senior or as I like to call it Senor in highschool. I don't feel special. All I can see is how far behind I am from everyone. I'm probably the worlds biggest loser. I bet nobody I know can give me a reason why they are a bigger loser than me! I dare you to try! I DARE YOU! AH HAAHAA
But aside from me being a total social outcast I'm swell. I don't have any problems in school aside from the fact that I can't pay attention in class and keep forgetting my homework.
I hear tell I'm being voted Most Artistic... If I am I'll pee my pants with glee. If I'm voted most Autistic, well, that will be cool too.

You are a banana! Good job, captain obvious.


which rejected character are you?
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(The Bradford Era, Monday September 1st)
Horoscope
by FRANCES DRAKE

YOU BORN TODAY (Sep. 1st)

You are brave, fearless and passionate. You set high standards for yourself. You take your work very seriously, and you take pride in meeting your deadlines. You are highly conscientious. You often approach life in a very physical manner. You are sexy, romantic and practical. Expect a fun-loving social year ahead. Birthdate of: Edgar Rice Buroughs, Gloria Estefan, Barry Gibb

In this little punk revival thing you cling to bands such as... I dunno.. Good Charlotte.. and as I always say "Good Charlotte is just a bunch of pretentious corporate pop drones." Which means that this band and many like it are only on MTV cause they are puppets of large record lables. The lable controlls their image, songs, and manages the money. The corporations make sure that they make freindly, cute pop, tunes...
Wait a second.. I've never listened to most of their songs.. what the hell am I talking about? I'm just so freaking shallow making judgements like that. But I guess it is important to at least question the integrity of the music I listen to.
Anyway, it all makes me uneasy. First of all I have an idea that all the new popular pop-punk acts are softening the image of the punk into somthing teenage girls want to pin up on their walls and cuddle with. Its a wave that major record lables and the fashon industry rides.. once they soften the image they can sell it to white-middle class America the largest of all consumer groups. Second, it all sucks, I see nothing redeeming.. a wasteland... nothing entertaining or worthwhile...
okay maybe I like the pants with the straps all over ... but uhh... that about it.
I really need to stop I could keep rambling about this crap all night.
I really fucking hate the word punk now and would be content never to type it again.

SLC Punk, quite possibly the saddest movie I have ever seen next to Grave of the Fireflies.
I think much about punkness lately. Cause I seen very many aspects of what its considered to be "punk" especially what with smelly ol Blink 182 and Avril whoring up MTV. Mind you however that their music and images were not my first encounters with what is considered to be "punk". Cause one time when I was 9 I saw a man with a mowhawk in a Tops Supermarket--lol. No really, my first and foremost education of "punk" came from people that were barely "punks" at all. Sorry gotta get this outta the way, it was Chumbawamba. (Yeah they're an archaic pop band and they sold out but thats not relevant to the point I'm trying to make.) I used to browse their web-page all the time and had a bunch of CD's with liner notes. I read practically every surface that they had printed words on. I thought it was pretty damn cool that they didn't sound a bit like the shit played on MTV (I'm not talking about Tubthumper). Anyway, what I had learned was that punks were defiant and always had somthing to say, they listened to the Sex Pistols and said fuck a lot. I got the general impression, though it was rather misguided, that all punks had interest in politics and fucking hated the state of things. So they picket and riot, and boycott.
But after a while I learn that there are several different kinds. The poli- punks, anarchists, poor people, posers, and people who just don't give a fuck about anything. But music is a general uniting factor that makes punks what they are; usually it is played very loud and not in the slightest bit clean or tidy.
I used to think I'd like to be a punk, an anarchist, someone nobody liked. I'd like to scream and yell and rebel and voice my opion. But I'm just weak sauce.."The soup is too thin.." Somtimes I think I would be now, but now that its tre chic! I fucking hate it. Everyone thinks they are a punk or a rocker or just like to dress like one. Its hard to pull out the people with true convictions.. ah but isn't that always the way... I'll just wear my combat boots, kilt and spike collar on the inside. Its always my first initiative to do the opposite of what everyone else is doing anyway.
Well anyway... it doesn't bother me that a person likes to dress like whatever, but it does kind of bother me that so many people are doing it at once. In my opinion, punk is dead. In fact I don't think it ever existed in the first place cause nobody can agree what punkreally is. I dunno what punk was back in its heyday but what I find it to be presently is a bunch of pretentous wankers, and fashon whores, TRYING to be cool. They are always so "POSER! POSER!". But look at me I'm practically screaming "POSER, POSER" myself. I'm just rambling I know..

Lately I've been kind of bothered by the fact that this was a dangling thread from my heart. With a sense of closure my conscience is much less burdened.

------Last Sunset----

How I remember being enraputred by the sunsets rosy haze,
what it was to live and cherish those tender springtime days.

I danced in the Sun's last rays of light that he so lovingly shed on me
I witnessed the shroud of night envelop his face, and felt the warmth of his love recede.

For when the sun decended, into his lush, green hillside bed
he took his warm heart with him and left the night so still and dead.

All the lilies I lay on your grave, cannot convice my soul, mind or eyes;
It is certainly not easy thing to mourn the death of someone so alive.
--------Naya

hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am not: a cheater
I love: to be happy
I hate: doing dishes
I fear: losing control
I hope: that I might be passionate about somthing someday
I hear: the whirr of the CPU, trance song stuck in my head
I crave: mmmm pie
I regret: having not been there
I cry: when pitying my lost soul
I care: about my friends
I always: forget what I'm talking about in the middle of a sentence
I believe: whatever I want to believe when I want to believe it
I feel: pretty good
I listen: when people talk to me
I hide: nothing, I have no secrets =(
I drive: myself crazy (not a long drive)
I sing: very loudly
I dance: to the rythm in my head
I write: on my celing, lugubrious poetry
I play: Tetris, the kazoo, Bon's Spongebob clock
I miss: talking to people
I search: for scraps of food
I learn: from videogames, reading, from other people but apparently not from experience..
I know: a bunch of useless things, just ask me about anything!
I say: "AH HAA HAA" when cracking very stupid jokes
I succeed: at avoiding success!
I dream: of a clean house, clear conscience, and love
I wonder: how am I going to be able to survive on my own?
I want: lunch..
I have: treasure
I give: what I can when I have somthing to give
I fell: in love? it seems always to me that I take a step up
I fight:"I am Sailor Moon, I will right wrongs and punish evil, and that means YOU!"
I need: a hug

I had this dream where I was pulling wire coat hangars, hair pins and twenty dollar bills out of my nose. It was a pretty strange and random ability but during post-apocalypic times up is down black is white and everything you know is WRONG. So anyway, everyone in the world was pretty much dead except for me and a few other punks. I needed a weapon to protect me cause everyone that was alive was either crazy or was obsessed with fighting over turf; I needed to protect myself. So I asked Bob to If I could borrow one of the machete that he displays in his glass table ( I knew I should have just stolen it). He told me that I would have to give him $19.00 to keep it. (God, it is so like bob to think of money before the safety of his beloved family. What purpose does money have when the world has ended anyway?) I just tossed him a $20 bill that I had pulled out of my nose earlier in the day. I grabbed my duffle bag, my machete and my belt with the grommets and went on my merry way.

Last night I had a dream that I was on an important mission to travel to the deep-south. I was riding a tricycle with a motor and my sister was sitting on the back. We were doing 80 on the interstate when I found I had forgotten where I was going. So I pulled off in some field to find directions. There was this creepy old guy that told us that there was a gas station down some dark and winding road in the forest. I knew he was a creep cause of the way he combed his hair. I knew I spotted the real gas station in the other direction so I hopped back on my tricycle and sped away. In the same field, ( It was a big field)I saw some tourist couple they had a map with boats on it. They told us that we were in Shippingsburgh, not to be confused with Shippingborough. It seemed I had traveled south but had only traveled halfway downstate. I thought that was pretty good for a tricycle and decided to go home. But my tricycle broke down and some stupid people stole the wheels =(

Power was out. There was a tremendous storm which brought sudden heavy dounpours and great gusts of wind.
I hear tell there was a Tornady in these here parts. I reckon their was on account of I dun saw a limb ripped off of Ol' Man Sprouses maple tree.
It seemed as if a great super natural hand was doing mother natures pruning. After the storm passed I surveyed the carnage and found the neighborhood in a state of disarray.
There were trees snapped in half, and broken limbs littering the streets and lawns. There were also telephone poles that bent over the roadway at precarious angle.

This weekend... was very long. Went and visited Rochester Institue of Technology. Nerd Central. I got lost a lot cause I have a horrible sense of direction. I went swimming in the pool got ice cream. Followed a jesus looking guy around. Went and learned about medical illustration. It was a fruitful experience. Kind of lonely though...
Today I went to a flea marked. I got two anime videos, and a ryoko action figure... crazy considering that I usually expect to find antiques and worn out junk at flea markets. Though I guess you could consider a ryoko figure and anime from the 80's useless worn out junk.

Today Christa was talkin on the phone (big surprise) with Miek.
But I didn't know that at first. Cause she called him "Mikey"and I know more than one Mikey.
I'm all like "Mikey who? Mikey what"
Christa is like "Mikey, you know Mikey" "Mikey Mike Mike MIkEY"
Me: "Hello...uhh Mikey, Who WHAT? WHAT MIKEY ARE YOU!?!?!?" "WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? pILLS!!?"
YES i NEED PiLLS!! YOUR GONNA come back and give me pills?! Come back? I didn't know you were gone?
Oh wait a second.... (recognizes his voice)
That Mikey... I miss him

:: how nintendo are you? ::

I've collected all 100 of the different cards on ff9. I have invested so much time in my frivolous, imaginary empire-- about 106 hours. I feel very alone sometimes, but the game numbs the aching throb, it blinds me of staring into an empty fruitless void. I wonder what I'd be doing if I didn't play games? But then I think they are good for me because I think if I didn't play I'd be vandalizing, having sex and stealing-- or worst of all: Going to Church! I'd rather not think about it because the only conclusion would be that I am wasting my time playing games. But where are my friends? Where am I? What can I do?
What should I be doing? I just don't know. Maybe games are my life.

The Jackal


What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I just got back from a week camping at Hammond lake. Wow, was it exciting. It rained, I forgot my swimsuit, the tent leaked, and the boat broke. Worst of all there were no hot men. Just Mullets.
Don't get me wrong I did have a good time. Cause it was sunny shiny and I kind of got a tan.. I went kayaking, and I sat around and was lazy and I saw a movie with a hot but very strange pirate in it. I got plenty of fresh air. I saw pretty sunsets and listened to good music. Food was abundant and generously prepaired.
There wasn't much activity at the lake though.
I've reached a new level of boredom... now what do the Buhddists call it.. umm..
Enlightenment! Thats it!

Random Naya-ism:

If you make a silly mistake and embarass yourself trying out somthing new, and decide never again to participate in that activity again, you will be remembered by others involved for the mistake that you made. You just have to keep trying sometimes...

You are quina You love food, it's one of the most important forces in your life. When you are hungry, you may seem very scary to others O_O

take this quiz!

Quina is the best FF character next to Sephiroth. Quina really kicks ass! SO THERE!
--are ya happy now?
I so happy

Final Fantasy IX
Final Fantasy IX was a pretty damn good game. Its kinda sad that I played it now that its an antique but I don't think I could have appreciated it as much when I was a little younger.
I liked seeing all the old stuff from the earlier games in FFIX, like black mages, and the summons, and I got a namigway card. Though the Chocobo said "Kweh" instead of "wark" I still liked them.
I especially enjoyed the frienship that kept all of the characters together and the lessons they all learned at the end.
They learned how to live life and enjoy life and hot to make it better for others. All from that monkey-tailed theif!
I'm a sucker for happy endings.

I'm having a great summer. I'm doing absolutely nothing. I play video games all day. I go swimming. I eat. I do computer things.
I like that I don't really have any deep reflections on my days. I like not being surrounded by annoying peolple like I am at school.
It kind of bothers me though, that my days are so empty of substance.

I spent the whole day with Bon and Christa.
Then I was silly enought to say "durr I am like soo unfruitful, I did nothing all day and have nothing to show for it."
Then Bon says: "But Naya you have shown your love and kidness to me all day." and Christa says I'm appreciate too.
I'm glad I'm appreciated.

I hear some people say that I need some self-esteem, that I need to be more confident in myself. I won't deny that, not at all!
But I figure if I have the bravery to divulge my most brilliantly obvious flaws on my blog every day, and not feel a bit sorry, I must have some some self-esteem. I'm saying that I'm confident to tell the whole world that I'm a lonely loser, a social outcast, I need therapy, I need a hug, or I'm lazy and irresponsible, and It doesn't make me think any less of myself. I'm confident enough to be honest with myself. So I must have some self-esteem. What I really think I need is, discipine, to keep me from slagging off all day, and some shame, so I don't feel it good enough to be flaky and undependable all the time. Most of all I need motivation. I need somthing to get my ass moving and my head thinking.

I went to sleep at approximately 5:30 yesterday afternoon and slept until 10:30 this morning. Thats about 18 hours of sleep more or less.
Thats double what a person is supposed to get in a day. It astounds me that I could ever sleep so much. Its good that I didn't miss anything, at least I think I didn't.
I guess I've discovered a new talent, I am very good at sleeping. I'm also getting pretty good at staying up until 4:30 in the morning, but thats all over for the year.
I'm so multitalented, I can sleep and play videogames, and ramble on about the stupidist aspects of my uneventful life. I'm real college material!

I'm sure you all have taken a health class sometime in your life.
You know, the ones where they teach you about sex and reproductive systems.
Anyway, It bugs me when I hear the redundant cliche "Abstinence is the safest sex" or "No sex is the safest sex."
:B What the hell are they trying to tell us. What retard decided to tell us that crap.
If its not sex then its not sex. Argh..

I feel lamenty tonight. I keep thinking about the poor fellas that put up with my crap (were in love with me). It was always those guys who got the bad end of the deal. I have a way of making everyone within 50 feet of me miserable or silent. I notice that when my friends are all together havin fun, laughing, in the other room, I walk in and I suck all the life out of the room. I don't even say anything. When I'm around people I don't usually hang out with, they get a little uneasy. They say "this is like, so weird were all so silent." I'm the only silent one. Why are people so afraid of silence? Am I so strange because I can't prattle on about the most mundane aspects of my day?
Today, in the lunchiline I was saying to Angela that it is totally immature and sad when people have to determine their self worth by what their boyfriends think of them. Yet, I still wish I had someone. Not because I want to determine my self-worth and say "oh like I am soo much better tahn yuo cuz I can get sum an yuo cnat". But to affirm that I actually exist. Sometimes I feel like a figment of everyones twisted imagination, that they repress and ignore. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and not be afraid of my silence, or afraid of what I can say when I say it. I want somone to touch, somone who feels the same way I do. I want someone who would actually try to take my advice for once, just once.
It is so sad, I feel like a ghost. I also feel pitied. I hate pity, pity is for losers..
I must have lost a lot.
It hurts me that the person I adore can only feel enough for me to extend pity. The same pity he extends to people worse off than me.

red roses
wine
silk
shine shine like diamonds
candles flicker
pulse moves quicker
sunset beach
silver moon
in your arms i swoon
poetry
Just love for loves sake
pretty words and no content
another happy routine..

--> Pr0m
Tonight I went to Prom. Everybody was so pretty. People said I "looked good" and "wow you cut your hair short". I danced a little bit with Jizzamie Fry and Erin Farrar and Maggie Gaberseck 'cause I'm cool and have lots of friends. My shoes hurt my feet. I should have put my hair up, but that would make me the same as the preppy people and I don't want that. The decorating was astounding It didn't look like the Elementary school.
Before I went to prom I went to Erway's with Jamie and Hillary, and Elizabeth and her man-slave Larry. I had a shrimp dinner, and Jamie had a grilled-cheese sammich. Everyone stared at us because we were dressed all fancy to eat at Erways. Doesn't everyone wear gowns and high heels to Erway's?
Anyway I went to prom and there were fancy dressed people. Ryan Dunn is and idiot, he said-- and I quote: "hubba hubba" to me.
I danced mostly to disco songs, not that I really thought about it, I just did.
And then you ask did you dance with anyone?".
Yep. I danced with Greg. Man, he sure likes to talk. He asked me how I liked the prom, and I said it was alright. He asked me what my favorite part was-- and me being the dork I am said, "dancing with you" . I throughly enjoyed the experience. Except for the fact that he probably wouldn't have danced with me if Alyissa hadn't told him to. Well, I don't actually know, I just assume... I'm not gonna linger on that.
After Pr0m I came home and Bon was waiting for me. She told me of my every flaw, nobody put coverup on your back, woah your not wearing a bra I can tell, you didn't curl your hair or did you,you have a sparkle on your eyelid and a black thing on your forehead, your face looks oily. Thanks Bon, I looked like a retard the whole time.
I'm currently lounging in my prom dress. I don't feel special and I don't feel stupid. I'm just here.

Comrades! I know there are a few gamers out there who frequently read my little ranty-poohs, and I know that you have bloggies of your own. I have stumbled upon this organization of evil mutant bitch soccer moms. I hope it will fuel a conflagration (real big fire) of brilliant rants.
MAVAV
Cause those video games are givin' todays youth the crazies.
I'd rant about it all but I have too much homework to do now.
I WANNA HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!
and click here for a moment of
ZEN

Oooh, looks like someone had a bad day today. I came home to hear metallica blasting on the stereo. I sit down to check my blogs, and Buster gets all wound up becouse he has to go outside and chew on grass or chase a squirrel. I tell Bob to take the dog out he says "You never do anything around here" with all of the fury of complete unforgivable hatred in his eyes.
I laugh at him, yeah, I know I never do anything around here. But why should I, surrounded by people who don't care. Anyway, it seems that its always our fault, but not bob's. He lives here too, but "oh it always gets ruined". He does as little around here as any of us do. But he is such a special boy for cutting the grass!
Grass never grows back........
I do the dishes, do the laundry and pick up just as much as he does anything!
Bon, and Mum and I are the only filthy people who use dishes or wears clothing!
you understand?
ITS CALLED MAINTENENCE YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK!
YOU HAVE TO CLEAN EVERYDAY!
grass grows, dishes get dirty, socks get smelly, the dog needs walked EVERY DAMN DAY!
praise you golden child, well follow in your example and do the big projects first!
Lets rearrange the furniture with the cups and glasses on the tables, and the newspapers on the floors...
The point is that if you aren't part of the solution then you are part of the problem.
If you can't do the maintenence then you don't deserve to yell at anyone about what they lack!
poor bob.... so angsty... its hard when you cant live up to that ideal, but false concept of white, upper-middle class living! poor bob, without a white picket fence, without a golden retriever, without a nice car, or nice american eagle clothes. Without a perky soccer mom, or football dad, or cheerleader girlfriend... poor bob...
life is just not Disney..

Hey Ang, I finally fixed the link, and I blogged,
I'm really on a roll now!


I'm just a cool person. People like me.


Why do people read your Livejournal?
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Woo, I know some people that have maturity issues. I hear them say, "Jesus, stop that, grow up and act more mature."
Well, well, well, --yes father dear!
But you see, there is where the problem is--" act more mature". Holy fahzoli, because It takes more than wearing adult clothes, ("get a haircut and get a real job"), and not participating in "juvenile" activities, like dancing, or listening to that darn rap music. I know you know that some of the most mature people are the most stupid. I know you have to sit through classes with a few preps. They dress more mature, and do lots of homework and go to cheerleading or football practice, but really a great deal of preps are just as bigoted, prejudiced, potty mouthed as any of us losers.
What I'm trying to say here is that you need to think mature to be mature. You need to think and act to be mature. If thinking and acting aren't completely assimilated you immaturity will shine through either in the way you think or talk to people or in the way you act.
Example #1: If you think that jewish people are "fucking gay" you might call people "fucking jews" to insult them. I know perfectly "mature" people have a tendency to do this. I know you have a right to say and think what you want but I think that it can be agreed upon by virtually anyone that making prejudgements about people and things that you don't know is pretty damn immature and pretty damn stupid.
The bottom line is if you are extremely intent on being mature you really need to think about what the fuck you are doing, and how it can be seen from other people's eyes.

laest nite i wnet 2 teh dawnce and i had Sooo much fun withe my boyfirend But Scool sux becos i am soo smarte and evreyone is inmatture Gawd i got liek a hunderd points and evrone was liek duh I'm so freekin inmatture I am sooo glade that I am so matture lastnight i had adream where evrone hats meh and i die doze everone hate me god y does thes shit alwas hapun to me i wish that everone would juste growe up or die coz im guna braek up wtith my boyfreind coz he is liek god she ia hott and id fuk that but thean id hav liek no life adn nobudy wood liek me soo i wuold hav to go an proof theat I am soo matture and id beet his face in

you ever have those days where all you feel like doing is staring into space and drooling..

Wahhh!! I'll never see Christa again! Ragnarock online ate her.

As I see it there are three meanings to the phrase "This life".

--Number one is "This life" referring to the years an individual lives through and encounters.
Like an object that belongs to that particular person alone.
"This life is crazy and sad..."

Also, it is the way a person lives.

"The drugs have stolen all I hold precious to me, this life is leading me on the road to destruction."

--Number two is "This life" referring to the existance on "This Spiritual Plane".
"This life will soon be over,"
as life is somthing to be completed so you can visit another level.
"This life is for serving our lord, the next life is for basking in the rays of his glory"

--The third is "This life" as a process everyone and everything shares.
It would probably be more sensible to say "Life" rather that "This Life".

When you are talking to someone, or leaving a suicide note it would be appreciated by the living if you would please specify what you mean by "This Life." For that phrase, like life itself, has many different facets. If you would be so kind as to describe, the living could change the shit of the world into somthing positive, and make life better for those who have not given up.

There are those who talk as if they are dead. They leave their notes saying why this life is so fucked up-- unbearable. They do not say why or how. If it is their life that is unbearble, if it is that the binds that hold them to their lord is unbearable, or if it is the burdens of the world are unbearable.
What I mean when I say they are dead means they know there are things that need to be changed but they never do anything. ....mrrrph.. broke my chain of thought here...
--I think sometimes that those who wish they were dead the most, really want to be alive the most.
I personally believe that the process of life is experienced through change.
I believe through experience that changing things for the better is the best way to feel alive.
Think about it, have you ever felt more alive that when you experienced a great change in your life?
Like getting a new boyfriend, or new friends or a brand new car or finally making the choice to live a healthy life. Maybe joining a new religion, or finally following your new years resolution will perk up your life. Maybe you can go to counciling or confide in someone.

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
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Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
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The dance sucked, as dances usually do.
I figure there is two ways to look at a dance: grabass perspective, dance perspective.
Some people don't have fun when they don't have their boyfriend to fondle and to be fondled by.
Some people don't have fun when the songs suck and they can't dance.
To measure last nights dance on the grabassocity and the dancosity scale from my perspective:
It sucked. which means I didn't have kinky alien sex with anyone in the corner, and I didn't dance.
Everyone else seems to have had a good time. O_O;;
----------------------------
Well how could I have fun, dances just aren't my place. All I can think about is drawing and writing.
Additionally, I feel that I am the only person who knows the true reality that dances are pointless, and fake, and its just a bunch of little white 7th graders shuffling to that darn rap music!
Seriously, I'm not going to anymore dances except the end of the year dance. Its pointless for me to dance all by myself, or sit in the corner and have nobody to talk to. It just makes me kind of ill observe the divisiveness of everybodys stuck up cliques. I also dispise the little dance circles that form so tightly I can't get in. Everyone just turns their back to me and when I tell them to move its like "you weren't invited".
Also, what is with you people who cluster so tight against the wall and shuffle like the little 7th graders?God damn. There is a whole dance floor and nobody cares that you dance like a fucktard. ITS A DANCE, NOT A CLUSTER FUCK! Its so convieniant when I set my drink down and everyone starts clustering in front of it. So when I come back I have to push people out of the way, then they all cluster again and then someone farts. I grab my drink hold my breath and push through them but they don't even notice me even though I'm punching them and pushing. But then they step on my feet, they don't notice that either... what a rant this has turned out to be....
I HATE YOUR GODDAMNED CLUSTERS! YOOOOOUR GODDAMNED CLUSTERS, O THE CLUSTERS! I WILL DESTROY THE CLUSTERS!!


Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks
about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty,
right?


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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I didn't rant about the beach. I'm so lazy.
The beach was lovely. The most lovely fact was that it was sunny and warm there and everyone back home was enjoying cold, grey weather. Buring myself in the sand was fun. I also enjoyed the fact that there was absolutely nothing on my mind. Nothing to think about, not school, not the stupid things people do, not even on guys. I just lay on the beach and let my mind atrophy.
I also enjoyed going out to eat. I love buffets.
The seafood buffet was funny cause the people who worked there had to be uber friendly.
There are about a hundred seafood buffets in myrtle beach and the people had to be nice or they would go out of business. I bet one of those waiters would poke themselves in the eye with a straw if you told them to.
I've never seen so many fake blondes in my life, save for the time I went into Abercrombe and Fitch. Anyway, every girl there looked the same. They looked like bacon with blonde highlights. Every guy looked the same too, they all wore wifebeaters, and wore their hats backward.
I met some cool people at the beach though. They liked ride elevators and skimboard and cause anarchy at the hotels. We hung out in the ballroom at the top of the hilton.
We found this guy wearing A teenage mutant ninga turtels t-shirt. He like to play mario games.
This lil 11 year old who liked to smoke, pissed off a balcony at the Hilton. He pissed on himself a little too.

....It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me, to go through all the things that I wanna be.
I don't believe in everything that I see, you know I'm blind so why do you disagree?
These are crazy days but they make me shine. Time keeps rollin' by...-Oasis.

------It's Springtime Again-----
I feel like reflecting on last spring and comparing with this year...

--I just got done playing 3 hours of FFII, boring as hell but I still think I could have played it 3 more hours. Gotta feed my addiction. I'm trying to finish what I started last year around this time.
--I like Grigore Elko, he is a ever flowing spring of entertainment. Except when he talks about tests or studying. Blah. I don't have a crush on him anymore. I don't know why, oh well I'm still fond of him.
--But I do still have a crush on my silly internet friend, Joey. I wonder what the hell happened to him. He's probably married and had three children since the last time I've seen him. I'm probably forgotten, oh well. Man, I loved that guy...
--I still listen to coldplay, I was entranced with the first CD last year and now their new one this year.
Its really...super.
--Last year I was "going out" with someone.. I still feel really bad what I did, and didn't do to him. God that guy was such a nice guy, and I neglected him. I guess I wasn't emotionally mature... or somthing. I wish I could of explained it, but I couldn't find the words. I'm still not very mature, but I'm trying now, trying to be mature. Anyway, I still feel guilty, because I didn't tell him how I felt-- that idea keeps me feeling alienated from this person.
I just want him to know how sorry I am, and how it still bugs me. Then again, If it didn't work out it didn't work out, forgiven and forgotten and all that nonsense...
--I don't gaze at the sunsets as much as I used to, because they still remind me of my friend. It feels lonely to watch it alone, but what can I do?
I used to watch them alone and thats just what I'll do now.

myarph... I walked down to the playground, and went swing swing on the swing, and after about 15 seconds, I'd get nauseous. I used to be able to go hours swinging.
I just can't handle that excessive physical exertion.

-----The Bible of Corruption---
Lesson 1.
The Book of Shallow verse:1-2

I judge my self worth by what my boyfriend thinks of me.
I must be a better person because I have a boyfriend.

Everyone that surrounds me reflects what I think of myself.
If they don't reflect well on me then they must be losers.

Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.

God, dances are so stupid. All the drama in the world happens there, and It shouldn't because its a happy-dance-dance nice place except for the fucktards that screw everything up. I think perhaps it is the only place some of the fucktards ever get together. How bout, if you have beef with someone you settle it in school, or at lunch, somewhere when a catfight- or rumble would be quite appreciated.
-------okay so this topic has been covered a million times, and nobody reads my blog anyway so I guess telling you this was fruitless-------

My blog is sad. No, he really is!
my blog needs a hug.
*hug*

Yesterday, I went to my lovely little interview for the governor's school. It was the most stressful and nerve wracking event that I can remember ever having.
I can't explain how well the interview went because I felt so nervous and sick. I can't explain how well the drawing assignment went either, I think my drawing lacked perspective and dimension, not to mention creativity. But I can't say that I'm a very good judge of that. My emotions on the subject are quite mixed, I feel as if my artwork didn't measure up to everyone elses, but I felt like it was a plus that mine seemed different, and came from a different perspective. I didn't really have the time to look at everyones work so I really don't know. I just feel uncertain about the whole thing, like being cast away at sea with no direction. So I'm quite eager to forget the whole thing, the interview and gonvernors school like it never happened. I'll probably look into other things I can do this summer, just in case I don't make it.

----memoir of a long time game player---
Now that I think about it..If memory serves me right--though it doesn't often.
My SNES has been a good childhood companion as well. Especially before Christa was my friend.
I didn't have any good friends when I was a little kid. For resons beyond my control and personal preference I was alienated form the rest of the people my age.
I really can't remember how much I played games, maybe I played very little, and maybe I didn't play much at all. But I do remember playing to keep my mind occupied from things that made me miserable.
Now that I think of It I have spent an ungodly amount of time playing. While other kids would go to soccer, volleyball and basketball practice, I sat and played Mario.
Mario Paint, Mario Kart, Super Mario Land, Dr. Mario, Super Mario RPG and Yoshi's Island Super Mario All Stars with: Super Mario, Super Mario: The lost Levels and Super Mario 2 and 3. were all games I spent substantial time playing--- I mean days and days for each game.
I also conqured Donkey Kong Country, DK2 and Batman Returns. I've also attempted the mindnumblingly retarded Tom and Jerry and my sisters game Mario Teaches Numbers. I've mastered Tetris and Tetris 2, Yoshi's Cookie and Uniracers. I Kicked Giygas ass in Earthbound, I trashed Smithy in Super Mario RPG, and "Woke The Sleeper" in Zelda ( with the help of Xa's Gameboy Super adapter) and after 45 hours of gameplay I'm almost ready to conclude FFII.
... Thats alotta freakin game play!! Not to mention the weekends I've laid to waste with rented games: Mario's Time Machine, Star Fox, DK3, Clay Fighters, Clay Fighters 2, Earthworm Jim, Earthworm Jim 2, Ren and Stimpy, Aladdin, Bubsy Bobcat 2, Tiny Toon Adventures, The Lion King, and 7up cool spot.
Jesus! Now that I've seen how many games I've listed, I see that I've wasted my entire misguided childhood playing games!
------------ And Thats Just My SNES experience!---
I could ramble on and on about my Playstation. Especially the time I spent on the Tomb Raider ( I, II, III and IIII), and Crash Bandicoot series (I, II, III). Woo! and LunarSSS, and like 50 hours on Alundra, and those precious moments with Namco Museum with classic arcade games like: Galaga, Pac-Man, Toypop, Pole Position, Rally-X, New Rally X and Bosconian.I've also spent a substantial time on Jet Moto, and Oddworld and the frustrations of FFVII. I'm Currently playing FFIX
---------------------------------------------
I've even played The SNES rom on the computer, I've laid wast to perfectly good summer days by playing Salor Moon R, Zelda and The impossibly adorable Kirby's Dream World.
-------------------------------------------
I've played Old School NES, Batman, Snake Rattle and Roll, and the holy trinity: Super Mario Bros, Tetris and Super Mario Bros. 3.
----God I've spent damn near 3/4 of my life up to this point playing games!!!!!!!
It's either an addiction, a hobby, or the essential lifeblood that flows through my veins.
Or I'm just a nut, whatever....

I wish I had a good guy, someone that I mean the world to--someone who would mean the world to me.
Yesterday, I became so fluffy and sentimental--gazing at the faded, medium-rare sunset. The wind smelled like spring and the night was mild and calm. I heard the voices of the spring peepers down in the swamp.
The experience triggered faint emotions, reflections of silly mawkish sentiments of a year ago.. still... It made me sad.
I miss my silly internet friend...

...I.. I woke up this morning...I..squinted out..out... the window and to my dismay..
everything white, everything white...
Covered in spite and evil in powdered form..
O! THE RELENTLESS ASSAULTS UPON THE HOPEFULNESS AND VITALITY OF MY SOUL
BY THAT VILE, SMOTHERING, MALEVOLENT, THING THAT THEY CALL SNOW!

I'm now a compulsive blog reader....
I check blogs then check them again because I dun remember that I did it.
Its pretty sad because no one updates often anymore...
YAWN

I'm a Loser
someday though I'd like to say, I'm not a Loser, I tried! I'm a Failure!!

I'm glad I don't have any insignificant other to snivel about all damn day.
Yeah, my life is so empty...(you'll see that without a neglectful boyfriend I have plenty to whine about)
I'm not lonely though, I have my homeworks to keep me company.
I'm gonna be forming an even closer relationship with my school books as soon as my momma finds I'm failing sociology.
I think I'm probably gonna be bitchy the next couple of weeks, have a lot of guilt and a lot of stress and shame.
I know I'll be patronized and degraded by the resident hobo, and bob.
....and when they ask me, "what the hell is wrong?-- why do my grades suck ass?.
God, I don't know what to say. I hate excuses, I don't believe in them, nothing is good enough to say.
Was I tired?-yes-verymuch so.
Burdened with other work--yes. I was preoccupied witha few insubstantial things that any well adjusted 11th grade student should be able to handle.
Lazy? I still can't determine if it was lazy. I know I procrastinated but I did work on the assignments I turned in.. yet..
yeah I'm lazy, but I firmly believe that I cannot write.
I can't write your stupid five pages of forgettable bull-shit.
I cannot, for the life of me, compose a paragraph of 5-7 sentences that convey complete thoughts, or focus on a single topic.
The Stupid things: conformity of language, stringent verbal constipation...... When It comes down to it, I really can't write things I don't care about.
I don't care about anything so how can I write?

I have no job, no extracirricular activities, not involved with any substantial social organization,don't do housework, have very few friends, and I'm not brilliant and my parents aren't rich.
Missing everything that would--for those lovely average people-- make my life "worth living" everything that would make me succesful.

A loser and outcast for life.

I find it very sad that I don't know how to make my life better...

I need to turn myself around. I keep on feeling like I owe it to myself to do well. But I just can't keep myself going.
I feel like I need to make a change in the world. Where the hell am I gonna start?
I can't make a change at home, what makes me thing I can do anything anywhere else.
I need to start my junior project soon... err NOW.. so uh, someone remind me to do that so I don't fail this year.
There are so many problems, so many stupid things clogging my mind, all terrible burdens that I can't say, I can't burden you with.
so many things I want to do, but I'm paralyzed with fear.
---The bottom line here is that I'm lazy, and distracted.

My worst fear in life is ending up living in this town the rest of my life, as a cashier at costa's and married to some fucking shit hobo...
So why the fuck am I not doing anything? Why?
--------------count the times I say "Its time for change"
Just how long will it take me to do it?

Salute Your Shorts! You enjoy camping out with yer
buddies and playing tricks on your camp
counselors. Watch out for Zeek the Plumber


What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! Be the first kid on your block to download an anti-war protest song!
Bloody Anarchists, Those Damn Anarchists!
How I love them so!

Long ago coronations (crowning) of rulers was a huge, like really huge thing. People back in the day believed that their rulers were chosen by god and and "divine right" to the throne. On these exciting days, the rich and cleanly went to the local church or the palace to witness God's hand placing the responsibility of running the country on the new king or queen. Nobody had any beef with it. It was accepted that God's plan would work through the new ruler of the land.
---------But what about Burger King?
Was this mighty sovereign of hamburgdom ever coronated? Wouldn't it be silly if Burger King just waltzed around claming to be God's right hand patty flippin man but was not really a king at all? But what if Burger King was in fact the Primary Crowned Head of Burger?
If Burger King is in fact king, why is this Lord-and-Father-of-Fattening-Fast-foods serving us insted of us serving him?
--- Was that Jesus himself who asked "do you want fries with that?"

Today I went to the Galleria mall in Buffalo. Its a very big mall, and It has fancy lower upperclass stores. I love hot topic, but I'm kind of disenchanted with it all because I believe that Its just tapped into the mainstream too much. Theres just so much fad crap there... whatever-- not that important. Today, I have seen the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life. In fact, just about everyone there was beautiful, save for me. I was the only person in the whole mall wearing a frumpy grey sweatshirt with no print. But for once in my life I didn't feel like an ant. Everyone wore black leather coats, and had fake blonde highlight hair--especially in Abercrombie and Fitch--never seen so many in one place in my life!!!! Me and xa were wandering around like morons. I stare in awe at everything, like I've never seen a sixty-dollar tank top in my life. I took the time to look down from the second floor upon the ants that walk beneath me. Are they really people? there are so many of them, they all look the same, dress the same, and all look like they know where they are going. I probably didn't look like I knew where I was going because I was enraptured by the shinyness, tha newness of all the fancy merchandise-- I looked everywhere at everything, in every direction at every person. God, Ive been cooped up in this little hick town for so long.. But being at the mall made me feel good to be different for once. It sounds so stupid, but I seemed to be the only one at the mall who would laugh, question the price of goods poor childeren sow up in sweatshops in third world countries, point and stare. All the little ants, march to abercrombie, all the little ants march to hot topic, all the little ants march to aeropastle.......Naya the giant grey cloud rambles to the far end, and to the near end and to the rear end of the mall.
you cannot hold a candle to my conflagration of blazing insanity!

You're too tired to be bothered with smiling,but
you're too nice to be really mean when people
are annoying you.You look tired,but you at
least try to seem happy.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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My friends are everything to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they mean the same to you.
Its an understatement to say that my family life is not too strong. So I rely on you as a supplement or a surrogate of a family.
I know I can talk to you, and you will understand.
It hurts me though to hear you say that you have nothing left. I know how hard it is to deal with thoughts, and feelings and all the crap that scrambles your mind--But I'd like to think that you had me, at least, to depend on. That probably sounds selfish, or egotistal or somthin but I've always thought that It goes both ways. That you would be here for me. But to think that you don't even consider me.. feels kind of like betrayal. I'm not talking about any specific person beacause I've felt this way a couple times, especially with my good friend Chris.
It also hurts to hear-- to see that you are in pain. I'd like to be able to do anything I can for you. It would ease my mind to do somthing, no matter how small. But if you don't want to share, I'll respect that, I guess thats somthing I can do.
Another thing that is quite irksome is when friends (or-so called friends) are backstabbing each other, or just being selfish and inconsiderate.
You are my oasis from all of the shittly people and the things they do. I can't stand it when they do such stupid things: "oh your so stupid you got like a 90% on your english test while I got a 100%, don't you ever study?" Or how about this one " OMG you hang out with XXXXX.. god he is gay, you must be too." or " Jesus, she is one gigantic tub-o-lard and still likes YuGiOh, god, why doesn't she watch real anime"and "what a poser.." -- (perhaps not good examples but you understand.)

-----------I've been taking so much time to write this I kind of uh..forgot what I was trying to say.. well anyway there is only one real important thing I have to say.
I love you all very much. ---Fluffy, yeah, but true.

You are Auron. Wo0t.


Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
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Here's a charming little folk song that I'm sure most of you have learned during your horribly misguided childhood.

First you're sick and then you're worse
And then it's time to call the hearse...

Don't you laugh when a hearse goes by
for you may be the next to die.
They wrap you in a big white sheet
that covers you from head to feet.
They put you in a big black box,
and cover you with dirt and rocks.
And all goes well for about a week,
and then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
the worms play pinochle in your snout.
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
One of the worms that's not so shy,
Crawls in your liver and out one eye.
They call their friends and their friends' friends, too,
They'll make a horrid mess of you!
Your stomach turns a slimy green
and puss squirts out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread,
that's what you eat when you are dead.

...Your eyes fall out, your teeth decay
A rotten end to a lovely day!

Find your Realm of Influence at SailorOrion.com



Such a lovely day... I wanted to strip naked and run through the fields. I would have too, but I got sleepy and crashed on the couch, with visions of nuclear war in my head. Such lovely, lovely, days--these days of American Freedom and Justice, patriots, war hawks, glory, bombings, God..
I hope all the nasty war making people just die-- just kill themselves off. And leave me and people like me who are too stupid to make war- opression, crime, and mass-murder, and too intelligent to get involved in war, opression, crime and mass-murder.
I just want peace, weather warm enough to run around half naked, and love. Yeah that'd be nice..

I'm your friend, whats this"something else i have created around me" stuff?
Ah, I'm a figment of your imagination? Well you could just as easily be a figment of mine.
I digress-- I'm being silly...
I understand this whole, haunting, undead childhood memories thing--such a pain.
Its not funny, but it causes me to look at pain, and sadness in such a twisted way, It makes me laugh. Thats how I keep my sanity, I just laugh...
I remember reading somewhere this lady said somthing along the lines of: "Its hard to develop a personality when you have to keep remembering to forget." You have to stray away from your own imagination because of what nasty little things haunt it. Its hard to stay true to yourself when you have to deny everything else around you and everything that reminds you of somthing awful...----I don't know exactly how that all went but maybe you can formulate some vague Idea of what I'm talking about. The first quote is exact though, I think its most important. Anyway, this lady is a successful cartoonist, in spite of the horrible things that plagued her mind.
What I'm trying to say here I guess is to look for somthing better. I'm trying to look forward to the future, because it must be better than whats behind me, at least its somthing to hope for.
You can also be constructive with the shit that was thrown your way. I use my experiences to try and help people no matter how boring and confusing I think my advice may be. I also put all of my good thoughts on paper so I have somthing to look at to remember good things.
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I just think I sound sooooo fluffy.. myarrr.
If anyone has troubles you can talk to me. Just like I'd like to talk to you. Yeah, we can trade troubles like baseball cards.

YAY! This was the best weekend ever (if the best means extremely boring)! What is it that is missing from my empty little life?
Oh well, no time to think about that, its time to draw draw draw!

Today I went to thrift shops and an antique shop and I got two scarves.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the night drawing, and drawing and drawing.....
I have no life --not that I'm complaining.

Vampire Goth -- Perhaps the closest to the
"lolo goth," you are morbid and
dreary. You like to make people feel
uncomfortable around you, and you're happiest
when going to a highly public place with enough
friends who share your interests to make
massive crowds shifty. You have an unusual
liking to blood.


Which Gothic Stereotype Are You?
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Ah.. Who would have ever guessed? I'd rather be a Eurotrash Cyber Goth, but I dunno the first thing about computers.
I wear my bat wings on the inside....

Speaking of slacking on my bloggin, I've been slacking on my webpage.
Go visit: Panda Priestess to have a very Naya experience!
Go to the friends page and see all of the nasty things I've posted about your asses!
I'll even give you a lazy little bitch link to the friends page: Friends!

You never realize just how many people read your blog until you don't update anymore. A whole two people asked about it. Thats a whole heck of a lot more than I thought there were! Cheers to all the faithful readers!

Yesterday morning Bob The Almighty issued this command to Bon The Freaking Stupid: "....WASH YOUR FACE IN THE SHOWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON..".Oh but he used such a commanding voice, such imperial tone! Deathly serious, Like someone had shoved a red-hot corncob up his regal rear end. It was as if the lowly Bon had broken the very rule-- the very law that holds the universe together. Lord Bob save us! What terrible, awful transgression Bon had comitted by washing her face when she should very well have known that Lord Bob-The Alpha and The Omega- hadn't had his bathroom time. I could not help laughing at Lord Bob's decree, and being the disgraceful little shit I am--I laughed at Bob. Yes, me and Bon had ourselves a hearty laugh and reflected--mocked-- his sentaments with all of the exact same sincerity he threw at us!
Oh, but I do feel dreadful sorry. Bob is right, always always right. So I had to help Bon upstairs because she is too dumb to remember how to climb them. Right foot, and then left foot, up the stairs--Like a normal person. After that Bon decided to have breakfast like normal people. But we had to ask God.. err Bob how bowls are used, and what bowls are, and how to utilize a spoon like normal people. We just pointed and laughed at the King and his beady weasle eyes glowed with hatred. His mouth became as small as a mouse turd then suddenly bellowed "YEAH YOUR NOT GONNA THINK ITS FUNNY IN A SECOND" weilding a dog leash--ready to snap the metal end right in our faces. He would have to, because we just kept laughing, but momma suggested he take the hell beast out for a walk. As soon as Bob was out the door me and bon threatened to beat each other with canes because we are both so stupid. I'm glad that boy is my brother, with his well-meaning threats of physical violence, he really straightens out Bon The Freaking Stupid and I--Naya The Slowest Fucking Retard. Why I'm so stupid that I don't know what I'm writing. I'm surprised I can write at all? What is writing, who am I? Oh well back to my happy life as a normal stupid person!

Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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"Real" Care Bear: See what Care Bear you are.

Mononoke Hime
haritsumeta yumi no furueru tsuru yo
tsuki no hikari ni zawameku omae no kokoro
togisumasareta yaiba no utsukushii
sono kissaki ni yoku nita sonata no yokogao
kanashimi to ikari ni hisomu
makoto no kokoro wo shiru wa mori no sei
mononoke-tachi dake mononoke-tachi dake
Princess Mononoke
The beauty of a sharpened blade
Thy profile looks very much like that sword point.
Lurking in the sadness and anger
The only ones who know your true heart are the forest spirits
Only the spirits, only the spirits...

---- Naya Has the Crazies!! ------------------------------------------------------
myarph.. I can't believe I'm blogging this.--eh maybe I can. You see I need to write this here, I want certain people to know...
After a year and some months or consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I need professional help.
Only recently I have gained the intelligence to realize--to compose why I believe I need it.
First of all: I should have gone to a counsilor back when I was a kid, when I was first asked if I needed help. Since then I've had a bunch of crap on piled on my mind like dog turds in the back yard. But then again- I was just a kid, and after the first terrifying experience--spainish inquisition-- I never wanted to go back--I needed to protect myself which leads me to my--
second point: I am throughly convinced I've developed a series of phobias that effect my way of life. Not only that, I believe I have some really bad anxiety disorder. The other day I was listening to the radio and some lady on a commercial says, " do you have frequent fears of failing, of dying, of losing control.Do you cry often or easily, are you afraid that you can never live the life you want, that you are being sucked into a black vortex of never ending doom? (I embellish, I cant remember quite what was asked.) Are you constantly worried about friends or family? etc. I says to the radio " yes, yes, yes, yes,no,yes,yes,only on mondays,yes"."Ha" I think, "all those yesses, thats kind of funny, lol"
--"If you answer "Yes" to four or more of these questions, you may have anxiety disorder. "Oh, shit" I thinks,"I answered, like, double that."
Oh, then I was reading in my health book symptoms of anxitey disorders and such and I'm all like:"Shit again"-- Confirming what I had previously theorized.
Third Point:I figured for a long time that I had somthing wrong with me, that I was all annoyed and uptight for some reason. I believe that talking about all of it will help relieve the crap in my mind--a pooper scooper for my soul!
But seriously folks, I think that its my responsibily to get myself together. Like some sort of milestone of growing up-- like getting ones license, like getting confirmed by the church, like taking on responsibility for ones transgressions, getting a job-- but I havn't done any of these things-- I'm afraid of doing it. I figure that I have to start here--getting help. If I actually do get help--If I'm brave enough-- I'll be prouder of myself than I ever have been in my life.
........You see, I can't think of anything more terrifying than going to get counciling, just thinking about it makes me shiver, choke back tears, run around like a chicken with its head cut off. If I conquer this fear it would be an extreme triumph. I know its not gonna be easy, probably not fun, but I feel I need to do it. Cause underneath being deathly terrified, and apprehensive I'm very excited about the benifits, and the possiblities.
---- You must be thinking I'm silly or somthing. This has nothing to do with the blogger or school. I wouldn't go through the school to get help because they are prying evil bastards.
---Please post your thoughts on this. But whatever you do don't speak a word of this out loud. Its not that I care if everyone knows. I care if bob and the old man knew. If you tell them I will be very hurt and excommunicate you for the rest of my life--I'm not joking.

I just wanted to add SOMTHING to this whole suicide blog club thing.
If I had been called to the guidence office I would have torn some shit up. Though, I know that they are probably well meaning.
I know that our blogs are on the internet and anyone can read them, thats a given-- thats the point. I think that the thing that is getting us most angry is not that THEY are reading our blogs--but because were having our intelligence--and our emotional intelligence insulted. Yeah, we kind of feel like our privacy is invaded (understatement) but thats the way it is. As a group, I don't think there is anyone who would want to commit suicide less. We know the effect that it has on on us. Telling us we perhaps don't know what we are talking about it pretty damn hurtful. I wish I could elaborate but I have to get ready for another glorious day of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a midnight procrastination blog:
My friends, they are very--intelligent, creative, and expressive. (stop laughing)
Most of them don't realize it, anyway; and if they do, they don't utilize their gifts to their capacity.
I'm surrounded with potential poets, artists, and people who are just really good at being a friend. But--I dunno what I'm saying exactly--they kind of squander their talent.
Take me, for example. I believe that I could be a wonderful friend, someone who listens to friends and gives advice, someone to be there for you when things suck.
It really gives me great joy to help people out, but I don't do it. I've never really been there for someone who needs me. I just sit in my dark little corner of the universe and rant about how the world owes me, though I know it owes me nothing. I squander my joy, on sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hating everything in the world.
--Another example of squander would be this really great poet I know. This poet wastes time on writing poems about really assholes who have no heart or intelligence and aren't worth the time it takes to write a poem. Now, I know that being a poet and all its a given that you write how you feel, but--I dunno what I'm saying again-- maybe one should take the time to really realize that the assholes aren't worth it, and that there are more worthwhile things in the world.
--Yet another example of someone who could bless the world with innumerable gifts is that person who has interest in politics, changing the world that thoughtless people abuse. This person has the capability and intelligence to really make a difference but wastes their time in front of some video screen, lamenting for a cheating whorebeast ex.
-----yeah, well I know I'm just some sort of fluffy idealist, though I didn't write this to mould you all into my ideals--I know, who am I to say.... I just wanted to get people thinking about their true potential. What you can do to make your own lives, and the lives of others suck less. I know that if I were a better friend-- if my friends could express themselves in healthy ways--stop burnin ourselves up in our own self-doubt... It would just be a better world for me. I think that my friends are THE most important people/things/alien lifeforms in my life--the only people I can really trust--depend on.
Well I dunno what else to say--I better stop digging myself out of a hole. My New Years Resolution was to better myself, To make my life worth living, to make everything not suck for others. I really feel like I best be making some changes fast, cause sometimes I feel like my mind is all crumbling away.

dance last night was okay..
I'm gonna feel dirty for a long time, I danced with Darren--not saying he is dirty-- I'm saying that the way I danced was dirty, lol
-- I enjoyed it thoroughly!
Today was pretty boring, I should have done one of my many reports-- I'm such a loser. Instead I vegetated at Jimmeh's house and then went to the chocolate lovers fantasy festival. There wasn't any damn fantasy!
There werent any buff male strippers pouring chocolate sauce over their hot bodies, and there wasn't any chocolate pudding wrestling. I mean, what a damn rip off. I think Christa found a new passion in barbershop music, lol.

I fucking hate today.
I hated yesterday and I'll hate tomorrow too.
There's just been too much time, so much opporotunity for me to just sit think about bullshit.
I'm finding it progressively harder to believe in my friends or my family, that all leads to me not believing in myself.
Lonely, bloody lonely,
....bloody bullshit.

lately...we all suffer, boring blog syndrome. This is the most boring blog ever don't read it:
" Today I did some really boring mediocre things. My life is boring and that sucks. Last night I had a dream I was a tree. I did somthing really cool last night but I'm not gonna bother explaining it because I'm tired from dancing at the sucky dramatic dance. I think that you people are mean and suck and should stop being mean. I'm sick of being surrounded by stupid people. I think people need to stop using clorox cause its all patriarchal and stuff, down with the man! The movie the other night was cool, that guy was so hot."
There, take that! I'm really gonna blog now that I've gotten warmed up---wait a second I just forgot what I was gonna blog. Godamnit!

.. yeah I've had a dream like that before--Those kinds are brilliant. Whenever I dream about my prince charming (too bad he doesn't exist!) Its quite an experience. The emotions that those dreams inspire, transcend everything I know to be love, and everything I know to be lust. Its not hearthrobbing lovesickness or orgasmic whatnots...(ROFL!). ummm...It trancends any sort of physical or mental perceptions that I had. The sensation itself its like being desperately thirsty, but you couldn't possibly drink another drop. Its like being drunk, intoxicated, with a sense of giddyness and elation. You feel shrouded in light--a halo. It all originated from the heart--in that general vicinity. In my experience my heart felt so heavy, it felt like it would crush my chest. It was exquisite, sensing that for the first time, the love I felt was sincere. ------Yep, It was all warm and fluffy like a blanky fresh from the dryer. It's like when I walk into a chinese food buffet... but you wouldn't understand that.... lol. Now I feel really corny stuff.. bleh.
But I'm pround this rant is devoid of the word feeling that word just makes my flesh crawl.

Yay! dreams are fun. I'm gonna be an irritating li'l copycat and post dream stuff.
ahem.. heres a dream you can analyze for me for fun:
I was on some sort of outing. It was some sort of girlscout, or church (I'm not affiliated with either). We were hiking through a field. It was during a transitional season, and all of the grass was gold colored cause it was dead. I saw the most amazing thing ever-- a tree--lol. But it wasn't ordinary tree, it was giant, I mean huge. It was an oak tree on top of a large grass covered mound. It was bleached completely white by sunlight and age. At the base of the mighty tree were smaller berch trees. They were all dead, lying on the ground arranged in a circle around the tree like a wall. I split from the group. I had it in my mind that it was my destiny to go up to the tree. I separated from the group but nobody cared-they ignored me cause im weird, and because they were preps. I cerimoniously climbed up the hill and stood before the tree and saw everything. It was strange and silent the trees gave off ghostly vibes but everything around was golden and blue.

---Thats all of the dream-- Tell me what it means or I'll stick a fork in your eye!

Oh wow. The anger, oh the anger, oh I am so angry.

My tonsils, my tonsils, I'm gonna hunt down and obliterate the filthy human who has passed on his filthy strep-throat!
Oh the pain! How dare you wake the sleeping giants with your filthy human bacteriousness!
And you, who mocks the grotesque nature of the puss filled, blistered tonsils; I will smite thee as well!
OMG Buster just vomited in the other room. Haa funny!

Today I am ill. I'm at home all alone. Its very quite exept for the infrequent blurbs from the scanner. The scanner is creepy.
My tonsils are swollen to the size of tennis balls. I'm making soup. I figure I can eat anything non-solid, somthing that can come back up as easily as it went down. You would expect a tounge to be red right? Mine is white and covered with bacterious film-- I just thought I'd take the time to share that with you. k thanx bye

wow.. I have a headache. Its probably from reading JTHM for a couple of hours. Either that or I'm coming down with somthing. I feel like my heads been royally fucked with (Fornication Under Consent of the King). Or it could be because I stayed up late last night drawing with my permanent markers. Or because of sitting within three feet of the most annoyingly happy, loudmouth in the whole school. Or maybe my headache is from trying to calculate bowling scores in my head. Perhaps, my head hurts from trying to write that essay on affirmative action. Just thinking about all the things that strain my brain give me a headache.
---yeah I know, its not that interesting.--its a personal problem.
But I can't help marvelling at the wonderous amounts of tedious, insignificant crap that occupies my time.--My short life being filled with nothing but self-inflicted torture and busywork. God, I need to get out, talk to people, see the sunshine! *shrivels up like a forgotten banana in the darkest bowels of the refrigerator*

hmmm I think my brain is going to explode. I havn't blogged anything that I deem substantial in a long time. I think its because there are so many things i want to write but can't quite explain them. It wouldn't be such a problem if I knew where my Book of Hopeless Rants was. I'd really hate it if someone found it that wasn't me or one of my affiliated multiple personalities.
--Ah, well I guess I havn't anything better to do, I guess I'll just catch up on my ranting or raving.
Part I
Oooh last night, I watched W. make his State of The Union address on TV. Holy Jeez, I can't believe that guy is The Prez. Whenever I see that guy on the tellie, I'm in utter disbelief. That overgrown Keebler Elf is the head honcho of the U.S.? People actually voted for this guy? --Anyway, the whole speech things was one of the dumbest I've seen since PYC. After every sentence everyone stood up and clapped. I'm serious--after every sentence. I know I havn't seen any other State of The Union thingies and I'm really not sure if that is the way its always done, but...Holy Jeez. It really should be changed if thats the case. I couldn't concentrate on what BS The W. was trying to pass off as plans for building the glorious future of America. It was hard enough concentrating already, what with the president looking like a beedy-eyed circus monkey. See the funny monkey dance, everybody clap!
Part II
I hate it that everyone I know has a boyfriend or girlfriend. I especially hate it because they are so damn happy about it.
You say I'm jealous? Yeah, well, no shit. You say I'll never have a boyfriend? Yeah.... I'll have to go with another no shit.
I just feel kind left out, like I'm missing out on an experience. Dating in highschool, isn't that what normal people do?
Then you say, "well Naya, your not normal, and its not that important." Aye.. woe is me. My life is completly barren of the bounty of which you humans call "normal". Then you say: "you moron, go out and find a boyfriend!". Then I say, "yeah, I'm just gonna pull one outta my...(insert: hat, ass, hammerspace; here). Everyone already is going out with someone and there is nobody who could possibly have any interest in me.--Ah well, now if it sounds like I'm whining, I am. Its nothing that gets me down though. I can just as easily go back to ignoring it all.
Part III
I was really going to write somthing interesting here. I can't seem to remember what....

This Time
Woke up one other day
The pain won't go away
I am growing
In peculiar ways
Into a light I pass
Another dream, another trance
This time, this time
This time I'm gonna rise into the light
In or out of time

'Cause I know..
There is time.. The Verve
--I like The Verve, If you like depressing whiny musics than The Verve is for you too!--

I've been feeling slumpy, slacking off with my work, my chores, and commenting on my blog. Therefore I have resolved to spiffy things up. I know blogging isn't getting much done, oh well. It still gives me that fruitful productive feeling.

What swear word are you?
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Clorox: A Conspiracy?
subtitle: Clean White Sheep
Call me crazy but, have you noticed the surge in new bleach commercials springing up. Is it just my imagination or are there just more? I have the sneeking suspision that someones trying to brainwash me, but I just can't quite explain it.
When I first saw the "mama's got the magic of clorox bleach" I was a little bothered. I can't quite explain that. Maybe it was just a really stupid jingle ("mama's got the magic of a 'harmful if ingested'--potential 'eye and skin irritant"). Or the fact that Mama is a upper middle class, white, housewife with nothing better to do than obsessively wipe up the counters and smile.
(I'm still having trouble reaching you I figure)
Well I dunno... Its just kind of funny, making everything.. white. White housewife wiping counters and floors, in a white house with a white picket fence. Then the new ad campaign: "White Across America". Holy, Jeez.. Wanna know what I think?
I think that were being brainwashed with Good-All American Whiteness. Perhaps, TV viewers are being lulled into a "Leave It to Beaver" sense of mind. While a war is brewing... Perhaps, already underway... we won't panic as long as we have our comfy, 1950 somthing..security blanket.
I think that Mr. Government paid Mr. Commercialism to "White-out" America. Its truth that the Government paid producers and directors and such to make patriotic films and commercials and what-not.
--wow that all made me sound like some sort of 90's hippy feminist "down with the man" sort of thing. But the real point I'm trying to get to here, really doesn't have much to do with bleach. I just think that commercial brainwashing of the masses is a possiblity (MTV's TRL). I think that you should take the time to analyze a commercial. Who its marketed to...the bullshit they fill it with...
--I think perhaps this has been the most stupid thing I've ever writ.
Oh well, I think this is an interesting quote: "If were gonna be brainwashed, what better substance to do it with than bleach?"

Hey I have a question for anyone who reads my blog or just anyone in general.
The other day I was writing an essay about myself for an art contest type of thing. I had to explain my personality.
Writing what I thought of myself was easy, but I had a hard time writing how other people thought of me. I managed to finish it. But the question remains: "what the hell does everyone really think about me?"
I want you, my dear friends, to say what you REALLY think about me. I mean it. I promise I won't be upset if you call me a self-centered egotistical bitch. I need constructive criticism so I can develop into a better person. I'd rather hear, "your a bit annoying and redundant" than "oh, your...... nice." Elaborate as much as you like!

The dance was fucking awesome!!! I grinded fiercely with this tall, dark and handsome guy and I didn't even catch his name! He was so sweet and we talked for hours about stupid things that are universally unsubstantial. We went to the bathroom and got high and made out. Then we left the dance and went out spraypainting Coudersports finest examples of "victorianesque architecture". You might wanna check it out (That guy knows a little too much about yo mammas anatomy)
After that we got high again, I dyed my hair blue and got a tatoo of a pretty flower and I got my nose pierced. I went back to his place and we did the dirty dirty, got high and played playstation 2. He drove me home (outside of sheetz if I remember correctly) and kind of pushed me out of his shaggin wagon. I fumbled up the street, ( I think I was missing a shoe) and now I'm here.
I can't feel my feet, but all things aside, this was the best night of my life!

Not to copy Jerrica, Shaun or Xa but I'm gonna post my horoscope!!
Really its interesting and I'm sure you all give a damn!! It will reaveal my depest insecurities of my love life without compromising my image by actually going out and saying what I actually feel. I mean, If I really said how I feel people might think I'm crazy and then I'd have to hide indside my inner world and become a mechanical shell of what I once was. Well I better hurry up and post my horoscope. I'd really hate for people to get bored and leave me. PLEASE DON'T GO! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
In your opinion, being normal is highly overrated right now. You embrace bizarre people or events that might confuse or outrage others. Impressing people isn't at the forefront of your mind and your friends and family members are somewhat taken aback by this strange, new behavior. Assure them that it won't last -- but that you intend to enjoy it while it does! Tonight you know genius when you see it at work. Find a way to make yourself useful in an avant-garde situation.

--OMG does that mean I'm going crazy!?!?! no no no.. *huddles in a corner* I'm going back to the OLD Naya.

Oh, I want to be mean, and spiteful and vindictive. I wanna mock shortcomings and weaknesses. I wanna kick mental ass, wanna scar and scathe and make one whimper inside. I want everyone to scream at me all "blasphemous!" "unscrupulus" "concited" "bitch". I couldn't though. If I said nasty things there is no way I would mean it. Though I'd really like to. I would like to....nrrrggg..
What keeps me from doing so is that I need friends, they are hard to come by and I can't afford to screw it all up. I also hate hurting people, because I've been hurt so often. I can't really think of anything hateful to say anyway. You disgusting slack-jawed hipocrite--see its stupid! I WANNA BE MEAN. but I'm a wuss... Hey! I can be mean to myself. Yeah that always works. I'm a dumb, motor-skill-deficient,organizationally-challenged, craterface, wannabe intellectual snob, who is disinclined to activity, mathematics, and shoe tying. The only place a person like me is useful is for is... well I can't think of anything. So much for being mean... *sigh*

Happy New Year! 2003! woo! I hope it doesn't suck! but if the shitty rain and sleety crap is an ominous foreshadowing of things to come then it will most definitly be a bummer dude.
I thought it only turned 2002 a couple months ago. Bloody hell, is my life passing me by? Yeah, I'm prolly to young to think about that crap...

~la laa la laa la laa~ I'm gonna attempt to compose a poem *ahem*

------Needs a Title----
.....that sad and pensive expression that you always see
is molded by my frequent slumps of unessisary anxiety
when I chant that pitiful, opressive mantra:"what will become of me?"
"what will become of me?"
is there another out there that feels as I do?
what if that "another" happened to be you?

You know there are cool people in the world. You ever wonder why they are called as such? You ever call someone cool becos they happen to like certain bands or they dress a certain way and have shiny cars, or loads of jewlry, or nice hair?
Well call me weird but, I don't seem to think that way. What if a persons house and garage and all their posessions were destroyed by a giant death robot and that person just happened to be cool? Would they still be as such?
I don't have a lot of things people would go "ooooooOOOhhhh ahhhhh" over. Do people think im not cool cause of my lack of shiny goodies?
What if you knew a boy or a gal that liked the exact same band or clothing line or *tazoo that you liked, and you fell head over heels in lust! Well! I know that music is a voice for the soul and people that listen to the same music might share the same ideas about it. Yeah its nice to have common interests. But, you know, musicians can be forgotten so easy after a while. (What ever happened to Ricky Martin?) What I mean is you can lose interest. Just like you lose interest in clothes that go out of style, tazoos that run amok, and even videogames that have been played out until they aren't fun anymore.
In my experience its been so exhausting keeping up the misguided collecting of new, popular things just for the sake of keeping up a relationship.
What if you had friends just because of the crap lying around your house and you didn't know it? What if you were constantly buying goodies to keep people around but you didn't know? What if collecting and hoarding was making you depressed and tired and you just aren't aware of it?Do you think that businesses might know that you "need" to buy to keep up your spiffy image? Do you think that people are being influenced to have shiny new this- and shiny new that? I dunno about you but....:: I nod a big yes::
Well I like to look at peoples personality. Its really the only thing that matters. I'm pretty tired of all of the "holier than thou" people walking about with their haute coture (fancy clothes) and having everyone think "oh she's so cool, she shops at abercrombie/hot topic/ evolution/Nothern Tier Childrens Home Thrift Shop of Genesee (lol))--When the person in question actually beats up his brother without the slightest provocation, or tells everyone without such blessings that they are less than dirt. Its all a lie.
There are some things in people that is worth much more that Guess jeans, spiked collars, Ruroni Kenshin posters, and PT Crusers.
For instance, I value: Friendship, Love, Understanding, Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Sense of Humor, Intelligence, Bravery,Passion, Creativity, Spirituality, Hope, Kindness, Tolerance, Charity, Decency-- all traits of a persons personality.
If you were bored enough to actually read this, I hope you don't feel too preached at. I wrote this mostly to entertain myself. Though I hope you get somthing from it even if you had to read it upsidedown or between the lines. I just feel that people forget this kind of stuff and are going about everything all wrong. -----Okay, thats it, I'll let ya go.
*Tazoo- don't mind this word, It was made up by Bon.

Last night I had fun and I made a new friend. I played with Angela's ferret. He tried to eat my shoe. It also was sticking its head inside of a cup. Me and Xa thought that a ferret would be quite handy if you soaped up its head and scrubbed dishes with it. We sat around for a while and were completely immaure. I have another follower in the cult of Naya's feet. ya know its okay to love your feet but its not okay to LOVE your feet. Get what I'm saying. Oy.. I really hope you don't.
When we walked home it was icy and we had fun sliding around on our bellies in the dentist office's parking lot.

--Sapphire--

One perfect cut gem
stolen, but still free..
pretty, pocketed, sapphire
you sparkle just for me

Now, If ever lose you
to another clever theif
I will be angred bitterly
but still love you underneath

Because I'll always admire
your deepest,shining, shades of blue
If you were a real compainion
I'd hope you'd love me too. -Naya

Its pretty bad when one can say they hate weekends, but thats how I'm starting to feel. Everybody is off somewhere, 'cept the eternal queen of losers.
I'm feelin' bloody lonely.. but there isn't anyone around to care. Oh well..

....yeah I figure its pretty unpolite to say in front of your friends (that are boys) that you think so-and-so is hot (the so-and-so not included in your friends). It goes the same for boys. I know that girls do it all the time. "Oooh, Billy-Bob-Bojangles is the fucking hottest piece of man meat I ever laid eyes on, yum yum!!!" Usually guys don't say anything, but I know they get angry about it, boy, I know that well! But when guys say, "Amanda-Crystal-BoPeep is the fucking hottest--whatever--
girls get all defensive on the spot."GRRRROWL I'MA MAKE YOU WISH YOU NEVA LAID EYES ON THAT UGLY ASSED WHORE !$!@#@$#!!11one."
I'm sure you know how that all goes... so ya know.. don't do it, cause it makes people mad and it causes scenes...
Or for all of you special people who always have to do the opposite of what anyone tells you, do it, and do it alot.
oi! but I'm irrelevant!

hummm.. what should I post: cheesy song lyrics, rants about my perfect and wonderful boyfriend, all the fun things happened today, or reveal a shining facet of my hidden personality? well I think I'll post 'em all!
---wait a second....I have none of these things. Oh well, looks like this will be a short post.


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