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Such a lovely day... I wanted to strip naked and run through the fields. I would have too, but I got sleepy and crashed on the couch, with visions of nuclear war in my head. Such lovely, lovely, days--these days of American Freedom and Justice, patriots, war hawks, glory, bombings, God..
I hope all the nasty war making people just die-- just kill themselves off. And leave me and people like me who are too stupid to make war- opression, crime, and mass-murder, and too intelligent to get involved in war, opression, crime and mass-murder.
I just want peace, weather warm enough to run around half naked, and love. Yeah that'd be nice..

I'm your friend, whats this"something else i have created around me" stuff?
Ah, I'm a figment of your imagination? Well you could just as easily be a figment of mine.
I digress-- I'm being silly...
I understand this whole, haunting, undead childhood memories thing--such a pain.
Its not funny, but it causes me to look at pain, and sadness in such a twisted way, It makes me laugh. Thats how I keep my sanity, I just laugh...
I remember reading somewhere this lady said somthing along the lines of: "Its hard to develop a personality when you have to keep remembering to forget." You have to stray away from your own imagination because of what nasty little things haunt it. Its hard to stay true to yourself when you have to deny everything else around you and everything that reminds you of somthing awful...----I don't know exactly how that all went but maybe you can formulate some vague Idea of what I'm talking about. The first quote is exact though, I think its most important. Anyway, this lady is a successful cartoonist, in spite of the horrible things that plagued her mind.
What I'm trying to say here I guess is to look for somthing better. I'm trying to look forward to the future, because it must be better than whats behind me, at least its somthing to hope for.
You can also be constructive with the shit that was thrown your way. I use my experiences to try and help people no matter how boring and confusing I think my advice may be. I also put all of my good thoughts on paper so I have somthing to look at to remember good things.
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I just think I sound sooooo fluffy.. myarrr.
If anyone has troubles you can talk to me. Just like I'd like to talk to you. Yeah, we can trade troubles like baseball cards.

YAY! This was the best weekend ever (if the best means extremely boring)! What is it that is missing from my empty little life?
Oh well, no time to think about that, its time to draw draw draw!

Today I went to thrift shops and an antique shop and I got two scarves.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the night drawing, and drawing and drawing.....
I have no life --not that I'm complaining.

Vampire Goth -- Perhaps the closest to the
"lolo goth," you are morbid and
dreary. You like to make people feel
uncomfortable around you, and you're happiest
when going to a highly public place with enough
friends who share your interests to make
massive crowds shifty. You have an unusual
liking to blood.


Which Gothic Stereotype Are You?
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Ah.. Who would have ever guessed? I'd rather be a Eurotrash Cyber Goth, but I dunno the first thing about computers.
I wear my bat wings on the inside....

Speaking of slacking on my bloggin, I've been slacking on my webpage.
Go visit: Panda Priestess to have a very Naya experience!
Go to the friends page and see all of the nasty things I've posted about your asses!
I'll even give you a lazy little bitch link to the friends page: Friends!

You never realize just how many people read your blog until you don't update anymore. A whole two people asked about it. Thats a whole heck of a lot more than I thought there were! Cheers to all the faithful readers!

Yesterday morning Bob The Almighty issued this command to Bon The Freaking Stupid: "....WASH YOUR FACE IN THE SHOWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON..".Oh but he used such a commanding voice, such imperial tone! Deathly serious, Like someone had shoved a red-hot corncob up his regal rear end. It was as if the lowly Bon had broken the very rule-- the very law that holds the universe together. Lord Bob save us! What terrible, awful transgression Bon had comitted by washing her face when she should very well have known that Lord Bob-The Alpha and The Omega- hadn't had his bathroom time. I could not help laughing at Lord Bob's decree, and being the disgraceful little shit I am--I laughed at Bob. Yes, me and Bon had ourselves a hearty laugh and reflected--mocked-- his sentaments with all of the exact same sincerity he threw at us!
Oh, but I do feel dreadful sorry. Bob is right, always always right. So I had to help Bon upstairs because she is too dumb to remember how to climb them. Right foot, and then left foot, up the stairs--Like a normal person. After that Bon decided to have breakfast like normal people. But we had to ask God.. err Bob how bowls are used, and what bowls are, and how to utilize a spoon like normal people. We just pointed and laughed at the King and his beady weasle eyes glowed with hatred. His mouth became as small as a mouse turd then suddenly bellowed "YEAH YOUR NOT GONNA THINK ITS FUNNY IN A SECOND" weilding a dog leash--ready to snap the metal end right in our faces. He would have to, because we just kept laughing, but momma suggested he take the hell beast out for a walk. As soon as Bob was out the door me and bon threatened to beat each other with canes because we are both so stupid. I'm glad that boy is my brother, with his well-meaning threats of physical violence, he really straightens out Bon The Freaking Stupid and I--Naya The Slowest Fucking Retard. Why I'm so stupid that I don't know what I'm writing. I'm surprised I can write at all? What is writing, who am I? Oh well back to my happy life as a normal stupid person!

Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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"Real" Care Bear: See what Care Bear you are.

Mononoke Hime
haritsumeta yumi no furueru tsuru yo
tsuki no hikari ni zawameku omae no kokoro
togisumasareta yaiba no utsukushii
sono kissaki ni yoku nita sonata no yokogao
kanashimi to ikari ni hisomu
makoto no kokoro wo shiru wa mori no sei
mononoke-tachi dake mononoke-tachi dake
Princess Mononoke
The beauty of a sharpened blade
Thy profile looks very much like that sword point.
Lurking in the sadness and anger
The only ones who know your true heart are the forest spirits
Only the spirits, only the spirits...

---- Naya Has the Crazies!! ------------------------------------------------------
myarph.. I can't believe I'm blogging this.--eh maybe I can. You see I need to write this here, I want certain people to know...
After a year and some months or consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I need professional help.
Only recently I have gained the intelligence to realize--to compose why I believe I need it.
First of all: I should have gone to a counsilor back when I was a kid, when I was first asked if I needed help. Since then I've had a bunch of crap on piled on my mind like dog turds in the back yard. But then again- I was just a kid, and after the first terrifying experience--spainish inquisition-- I never wanted to go back--I needed to protect myself which leads me to my--
second point: I am throughly convinced I've developed a series of phobias that effect my way of life. Not only that, I believe I have some really bad anxiety disorder. The other day I was listening to the radio and some lady on a commercial says, " do you have frequent fears of failing, of dying, of losing control.Do you cry often or easily, are you afraid that you can never live the life you want, that you are being sucked into a black vortex of never ending doom? (I embellish, I cant remember quite what was asked.) Are you constantly worried about friends or family? etc. I says to the radio " yes, yes, yes, yes,no,yes,yes,only on mondays,yes"."Ha" I think, "all those yesses, thats kind of funny, lol"
--"If you answer "Yes" to four or more of these questions, you may have anxiety disorder. "Oh, shit" I thinks,"I answered, like, double that."
Oh, then I was reading in my health book symptoms of anxitey disorders and such and I'm all like:"Shit again"-- Confirming what I had previously theorized.
Third Point:I figured for a long time that I had somthing wrong with me, that I was all annoyed and uptight for some reason. I believe that talking about all of it will help relieve the crap in my mind--a pooper scooper for my soul!
But seriously folks, I think that its my responsibily to get myself together. Like some sort of milestone of growing up-- like getting ones license, like getting confirmed by the church, like taking on responsibility for ones transgressions, getting a job-- but I havn't done any of these things-- I'm afraid of doing it. I figure that I have to start here--getting help. If I actually do get help--If I'm brave enough-- I'll be prouder of myself than I ever have been in my life.
........You see, I can't think of anything more terrifying than going to get counciling, just thinking about it makes me shiver, choke back tears, run around like a chicken with its head cut off. If I conquer this fear it would be an extreme triumph. I know its not gonna be easy, probably not fun, but I feel I need to do it. Cause underneath being deathly terrified, and apprehensive I'm very excited about the benifits, and the possiblities.
---- You must be thinking I'm silly or somthing. This has nothing to do with the blogger or school. I wouldn't go through the school to get help because they are prying evil bastards.
---Please post your thoughts on this. But whatever you do don't speak a word of this out loud. Its not that I care if everyone knows. I care if bob and the old man knew. If you tell them I will be very hurt and excommunicate you for the rest of my life--I'm not joking.

I just wanted to add SOMTHING to this whole suicide blog club thing.
If I had been called to the guidence office I would have torn some shit up. Though, I know that they are probably well meaning.
I know that our blogs are on the internet and anyone can read them, thats a given-- thats the point. I think that the thing that is getting us most angry is not that THEY are reading our blogs--but because were having our intelligence--and our emotional intelligence insulted. Yeah, we kind of feel like our privacy is invaded (understatement) but thats the way it is. As a group, I don't think there is anyone who would want to commit suicide less. We know the effect that it has on on us. Telling us we perhaps don't know what we are talking about it pretty damn hurtful. I wish I could elaborate but I have to get ready for another glorious day of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a midnight procrastination blog:
My friends, they are very--intelligent, creative, and expressive. (stop laughing)
Most of them don't realize it, anyway; and if they do, they don't utilize their gifts to their capacity.
I'm surrounded with potential poets, artists, and people who are just really good at being a friend. But--I dunno what I'm saying exactly--they kind of squander their talent.
Take me, for example. I believe that I could be a wonderful friend, someone who listens to friends and gives advice, someone to be there for you when things suck.
It really gives me great joy to help people out, but I don't do it. I've never really been there for someone who needs me. I just sit in my dark little corner of the universe and rant about how the world owes me, though I know it owes me nothing. I squander my joy, on sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hating everything in the world.
--Another example of squander would be this really great poet I know. This poet wastes time on writing poems about really assholes who have no heart or intelligence and aren't worth the time it takes to write a poem. Now, I know that being a poet and all its a given that you write how you feel, but--I dunno what I'm saying again-- maybe one should take the time to really realize that the assholes aren't worth it, and that there are more worthwhile things in the world.
--Yet another example of someone who could bless the world with innumerable gifts is that person who has interest in politics, changing the world that thoughtless people abuse. This person has the capability and intelligence to really make a difference but wastes their time in front of some video screen, lamenting for a cheating whorebeast ex.
-----yeah, well I know I'm just some sort of fluffy idealist, though I didn't write this to mould you all into my ideals--I know, who am I to say.... I just wanted to get people thinking about their true potential. What you can do to make your own lives, and the lives of others suck less. I know that if I were a better friend-- if my friends could express themselves in healthy ways--stop burnin ourselves up in our own self-doubt... It would just be a better world for me. I think that my friends are THE most important people/things/alien lifeforms in my life--the only people I can really trust--depend on.
Well I dunno what else to say--I better stop digging myself out of a hole. My New Years Resolution was to better myself, To make my life worth living, to make everything not suck for others. I really feel like I best be making some changes fast, cause sometimes I feel like my mind is all crumbling away.

dance last night was okay..
I'm gonna feel dirty for a long time, I danced with Darren--not saying he is dirty-- I'm saying that the way I danced was dirty, lol
-- I enjoyed it thoroughly!
Today was pretty boring, I should have done one of my many reports-- I'm such a loser. Instead I vegetated at Jimmeh's house and then went to the chocolate lovers fantasy festival. There wasn't any damn fantasy!
There werent any buff male strippers pouring chocolate sauce over their hot bodies, and there wasn't any chocolate pudding wrestling. I mean, what a damn rip off. I think Christa found a new passion in barbershop music, lol.

I fucking hate today.
I hated yesterday and I'll hate tomorrow too.
There's just been too much time, so much opporotunity for me to just sit think about bullshit.
I'm finding it progressively harder to believe in my friends or my family, that all leads to me not believing in myself.
Lonely, bloody lonely,
....bloody bullshit.

lately...we all suffer, boring blog syndrome. This is the most boring blog ever don't read it:
" Today I did some really boring mediocre things. My life is boring and that sucks. Last night I had a dream I was a tree. I did somthing really cool last night but I'm not gonna bother explaining it because I'm tired from dancing at the sucky dramatic dance. I think that you people are mean and suck and should stop being mean. I'm sick of being surrounded by stupid people. I think people need to stop using clorox cause its all patriarchal and stuff, down with the man! The movie the other night was cool, that guy was so hot."
There, take that! I'm really gonna blog now that I've gotten warmed up---wait a second I just forgot what I was gonna blog. Godamnit!

.. yeah I've had a dream like that before--Those kinds are brilliant. Whenever I dream about my prince charming (too bad he doesn't exist!) Its quite an experience. The emotions that those dreams inspire, transcend everything I know to be love, and everything I know to be lust. Its not hearthrobbing lovesickness or orgasmic whatnots...(ROFL!). ummm...It trancends any sort of physical or mental perceptions that I had. The sensation itself its like being desperately thirsty, but you couldn't possibly drink another drop. Its like being drunk, intoxicated, with a sense of giddyness and elation. You feel shrouded in light--a halo. It all originated from the heart--in that general vicinity. In my experience my heart felt so heavy, it felt like it would crush my chest. It was exquisite, sensing that for the first time, the love I felt was sincere. ------Yep, It was all warm and fluffy like a blanky fresh from the dryer. It's like when I walk into a chinese food buffet... but you wouldn't understand that.... lol. Now I feel really corny stuff.. bleh.
But I'm pround this rant is devoid of the word feeling that word just makes my flesh crawl.

Yay! dreams are fun. I'm gonna be an irritating li'l copycat and post dream stuff.
ahem.. heres a dream you can analyze for me for fun:
I was on some sort of outing. It was some sort of girlscout, or church (I'm not affiliated with either). We were hiking through a field. It was during a transitional season, and all of the grass was gold colored cause it was dead. I saw the most amazing thing ever-- a tree--lol. But it wasn't ordinary tree, it was giant, I mean huge. It was an oak tree on top of a large grass covered mound. It was bleached completely white by sunlight and age. At the base of the mighty tree were smaller berch trees. They were all dead, lying on the ground arranged in a circle around the tree like a wall. I split from the group. I had it in my mind that it was my destiny to go up to the tree. I separated from the group but nobody cared-they ignored me cause im weird, and because they were preps. I cerimoniously climbed up the hill and stood before the tree and saw everything. It was strange and silent the trees gave off ghostly vibes but everything around was golden and blue.

---Thats all of the dream-- Tell me what it means or I'll stick a fork in your eye!

Oh wow. The anger, oh the anger, oh I am so angry.

My tonsils, my tonsils, I'm gonna hunt down and obliterate the filthy human who has passed on his filthy strep-throat!
Oh the pain! How dare you wake the sleeping giants with your filthy human bacteriousness!
And you, who mocks the grotesque nature of the puss filled, blistered tonsils; I will smite thee as well!
OMG Buster just vomited in the other room. Haa funny!