After I had excaped the grip of the evil slave driver Bon, I stalked about the night with Christa. It was really cold and there wasn't anything to do so we went home. Then I saw a crowd of hyper candy zombies and I followed them. I ran around and I didn't get too cold. I even did some trick-o-treating, as ashamed as I might be of saying that. I think that everyone I was running with was more anxious to get to the candy than some little kids. I don't think I've ever seen Cue-Ball (formerly known as Matt) run so much.
I had a pretty good time...

Whats different about me? Why are you worrying about me?
I knew that I wasn't exactly whirling about like my usual self.. but when you asked about me I got kinda scared.
Do you think there is really somthing wrong with me? If its about my poems I don't mean anything I say about dying or cuting myself up. I think thats all really awful. I just was curious about it all and just spit out things I've heard people say. I thought It might make them think about what they are saying and how it scares me. I guess I've been going about it all wrong...
Anyway, with the way people were asking about me. I wondered if there is somthing wrong. I wrote about all the stuff that bothered me last night, and it did make me feel better. I filled about 4 or 5 pages.

damn........

..... Sentiments From a Poor Boy ...
Friend, when we are together life is good
Under starry skies we held each other close
Can we go back? When I'm with you I feel free
Killing me inside..The Only Hope In Me
Only you are precious
Friend, how could you say you love me
Friend, how could you turn bad...ignore me
Bleeding with the pain, a scar you tore inside
I won't leave you now, life without you is lonely
Tears fall, what dries them is only your beauty
Can our love be the same? Can we begin today?
How can I find the words I long to say?......

CUT
--cut cut cut..
you would know if you had tried
to release the sickness sealed inside
somthing new to make you feel alive
--cut cut cut...
hating every day
and growing insane
a rush to hide your wakeining pain
to obscure the scars that "healed in time"
somthing warm makes you remember you are alive
can't resist, but...
you must
--cut cut cut cut cut cut cut
and from your wounds flows
only blood
no clumps of clotted long lost love
spots of red to cover the tears
that fell on your pillow.
--cut cut cut
as much as your will shall allow
let it all out now
bleeding warm and wet
a rush through the blood you let
-- cut cut cut cut cut cut cut
has it lost its meaning yet?

yay... relentless boredom, its gonna kill me. I stayed up until 1 am playing with neopets for god's sake! someone save me!!!
The dance sucked.
I look at dances like some awful melodramatic three act play. I can sit in the dark corner and watch everyone shyly advance on the dance floor. Then I see them make their plans form their circles and put things into motion. After that things go downhill; somebody pays a little too much attention to somebody elses bf or gf. Finnally things fall apart or you see some girl crying in a corner ( a staple of junior high dances) the dancers recede from the dance floor.
Your probably thinking I need a life. Yeah, I know, I'm a social failure. Yet, it doesn't bother me, I'm used to it...I guess.

Suicide System: Only a Test
My life is filled with misery, I have nothing left to live for, and nobody fucking loves me.
I hope my life ends tonight. I hope the burden of my life will be lifted, that this usless chore of exisitance will be terminated.
My life's a mess, its all screwed up. Nothing fits in its place, it all falls apart.
Theres a bleeding gap in my mind and heart. I can't do anything right.
Tonight, I'll tell you this with all so perfect certainty. Tommorrow, I'll deny it.
Hey, everyone else is doing it..so why can't I.
In all truth I don't care to die, but the simpathy that it brings is simply delicious.
The strain that it causes you is heavy and malicious.
Welcome smiling skull man, take me now to hell!
I know the living will be there as well, as soon as I'm gone...
But this is just a test, It will pass over tonight
You can come see me smile in the morning light.

(note to self-- never publish "free-form poems" ever again)

So I've been asked, and also because I feel like being a copycat; I'll tell ya what songs I'd put on the soundtrack of my life.
and Just to show off I'll put them in chronoligical order!!!!
Take on Me- A ha!
All You Ever Do Is Bring Me Down- The Mavericks
Heart Shaped Box- Nirvana
My Baby's got a secret-Madonna
You Oughta know
Ironic- Alanis
Killing Me softly- Fugees
I Want You- Savage Garden
Tubthumper- Chumbawamba
More Than This-The Cure
X-Files Theme-The Dust Brothers
Special
Push It
Temptation waits-Garbage
Black- Sarah McLachlan
Thank U- Alanis
Nothing Really Matters-Madonna
Better Than it was- Fastball
Nothing New
I'm Not Sorry, I was Having fun- Chumbawamba
White Reflection- Gundam Wing
Runaway- Sugar Ray
Porcelain
Why Does my heart feel so bad?- Moby
Mi Na Soko Ni Nemure- Blue Sub 6
Crawling- Linkin Park
Wonderwall- Oasis
Gone- Madonna
In The End- Linkin Park
Highway To Hell-Marilyn Manson
You Owe Me Nothing in Return- Alanis
Gravity- Gorrilaz
Unfinished Simpathy- Massive Attack
Oridnary World- Aurora
Sandstorm- Darude
Endless Sorrow- Ayumi
Welcome 2000!- Di Gi Charat
Outta My Head- Kylie Minogue
Us and Them
The Wall- Pink Floyd
May It Be-Enya
The Perfect Drug-NIN
That pretty much concludes the list. Its pretty big but still had to edit it a little. What lies before you isn't what represents my life now but almost the entirety of it. Take on Me all the way to My baby's got a secret is my childhood. You oughta know to Tubthumper is the good ol' days when I spent all day at Xa's hanging out and jumping on the trampoline. The next is the days of My X-files obsession (More than this and X-Files them) then to the bad ol' days during the transition from elem. to Highschool ( Special-I'm not Sorry). Then it goes through to my obsession with my internet friends (Whit Reflection- Highway to Hell) and the annoyance that caused. Lastly, it goes into now, where I'm pretty happy and content with things.
All of my life wrapped into a neat package tied with a string. Fantastic!!!

yay.. everyone in the world is at homecoming. But I ain't complaining! I had a fruitful night going to the movies with my friends. That seems more fruitful than any other alternative. I hope the people who went come back alive, and with everything intact.

Homecoming weekend....wheee......
Three day weekend-- WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Seasons Ayumi Hamasaki
This year, another season has passed.
Memories have become faded.
The border between my vague dream and
reality has become blurred.

Even so, the dream I once told you of
had not a single lie in it.
La La-i

Today was fun,
and tomorrow will surely be fun as well.
"These days will continue forever,"
or so I thought at the time.

Throughout the endless days I felt
as if something was missing.

I blamed it on these unnatural times,
and just gave up.
La La-i
Today was very sad,
and even if I cry tomorrow,
someday the time will come that I can laugh
and remember the time we had together.

How much time must pass by,
in this finite existence of ours?
We'll live in the now,
and what will we find?

OMG this morning was so rough for poor prince bob! Everyone was already up and someone was in the bathroom before him. Poor bob, my sister was soooo foolish to get in there before him, she should know that the world stops for bob! He can get anything and do anything whenever he wants because the universe is centered around him. Bon sure messed up the order of things. I'm glad bob came around to inforce his self appointed rules of the household. Without him, I'm sure our family would fall apart!!
My mother was such a fool, she is asked bob why he didn't get up when his alarm went off. But bob simply replied it wasn't on, and that people should know that he needs his his time in the bathroom and he needed to leave. Far be it from me to critcise the prince, but it sounds to me like a personal problem.
Then while my sister was washing her hair bob tore through the kitchen looking for food. My sister had poured the last bowl of cocoa crispies and it was sitting on the counter. He screamed to my mom that it wasn't fair, that she couldn't obtian the last bowl by pouring it out and leaving it there while she did her business. He told my mom that he was going to eat it because he could. My mother, being the anarchist she is told the prince "no!". Then he sullenly poured himself some honey nut cheerios.... poor prince bob... if i had the last bowl of cocoa crispies I would surely give it to him....in the face...

My blog is so boring, It needs imagination. The sad fact is though, that I have no imagination on account of it has been strangled by going to school. I have to think logically all day..... nnnnnrgg... oh well...

Today was Extended Breakfast Day. The only thing I ate today was breakfast foods. I didn't bother getting dressed in my public pants and I just sat around bein' lazy. I did however, go to JCPenny's and get myself some new bras, yay!!!! Yet..there was no real purpose and no higlight of the day... it was just a day that happened and now its night.....

Today I went to the little school for an open house. It brang back a whole bunch of happy childhood memories (sarcasm...)!!!!!
I was totally jipped when I was in elementary school. There are spiffy computers, and the rooms are deacorated fantastically and it seems like the learning material is more advanced. I bet those damn toadstool spores are smarter than me!!! God I hate little kids!!!

::Listening to "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode::
Religion is a wrench thrown in the gears of the machine of human advancements. This "wrench" I think, has been thrown by the earliest of early men, cave men perhaps, and still causes human development to grind to a screeching halt, whenever holy wars are fought, or religious ethics get in the way of scientific development.

Today when I was in the bathroom making myself pretty, Bon alerts me that there is a fungus among us. In the crack between the bathtub and the linolium was a small brown mushroom growing out of the mildew. A mushroom growing in the bathroom! I almost cried, but I couldn't help laughing at the stupid thing. It was a pitiful thing, it had been bent over from someone stepping on it. This mushroom is a testiment to the filthyness of my house and how long its been since I've cleaned the bathroom. It makes me feel guilty that I hardly do anything around here. It also makes me feel kinda sad 'cause it reminds me how I just let things go to spoil and ruin sometimes. But I laugh at the little mushroom because its just a little mushroom trying to make it in the big world, its kinda cute in a way and it is kind of weird that it happen to grow inside of my house. I think I've learned some kind of lesson from the mushroom but I don't think I wanna ponder over it for too long, cause I'll start thinking I'm a nut.

I have figured the biggest bastard I know, is my own brother. Though I do not think he is worthy of being my brother. He is inconsiderate, pigheaded,hypocritical assinine, anal retentive, sefish spoiled brat with the sense of justice of a 5 year old. He takes every little occurance in the house and blows it way out of proportion. He won't listen to anyone but himself and always has to get the last word even if it means, spitting in your face and pushing you down and kicking you. He is 15 years old and can't controll himself. He is always looking for someone to blame for problems that he can deal with himself. He complains that he can't bring a girl over to the house because it is filthy, but does no housework whatsoever, does not even try to make an effort around here. He walks around the house, (that majestic prince!) and orders everyone about like they are mentally incompetant. If he could only see how stupid an childish he is.
Last night i was endeavoring to finish my history project, when prince bob graced me with his presence! He ordered me to get off the computer so he could use ICQ. Well its been established that homworks takes priority over ICQ time. But prince bob just breaks into a chorus of "you should have started earlier" "print out the information and write it down" "your a retard and your doing everything wrong" perhaps it would seem like anyone would say that but he says it 30 times. Every 2 minutes "you should have started earlier" and repeated the sequence for about 2 hours, in a deadly tone of voice. What in the hell is so important that he has to tell his gay buddies that he can't pick up a phone and say....

Today sucks, I am extremly bored and I have so many things to do. I've gotta clean my room and I've gotta do a stupid project for social studies and for english and biology. Its like 100% humidity inside of my house, I can hardly breathe because the air is liquid...
Xa has been kidnapped by a gang of conservative christians...
I miss my man-muse... I hope I see him again soon....
The only good thing that has come out of today is the rain....

How dumb are you?