I wonder why the chewing gum producers fail to mention that gum base is food grade plastic. Synthetically altered reisens derived from natural sources. Plastic. I like the idea of chewing on plastic, I like plastic erasers, and the grips and nubs from mehanical pencils. They are more satisfying to chew on than gum sometimes. When I think of my gum being polymer, I feel happier about chewing it.

I just thought:
What I need now is comfort, some gentle persuasion, a hug, a voice of an angel whispering in my ear to give me confidence and tell me everything is okay and that I'm wonderful. Yes, a perpetual angel whispering to me....
But how long could I trust a voice like that. How could I trust somthing that always chants, "you are precious, you are beautiful, brilliant, good....."
When I am lazy, and weak, fearful and an absolute good for nothing. My life has very little value as contributing to society is concerned. How could I trust somthing that would tell me I'm good when I know that I'm really not such an admirable person.
And then I saw myself:
I know this experience inside-out. I'm an angel, or was one, ... Not as heaven or that shit is concerned, but when I whispered my loving chants to him. A voice of a fucking fuzzy spirited idealist, an optimistic Disney Princess.
I always believed in him. And he believes that he is worthless. He didn't believe me after a while just as I know I would stop believing if a voice like that spoke to me. That crazy man who screams that this voice in his head was too good of company for him.
Goddamnit....
were I a fucking demon, I would always be with you...
-------------------
( no more internet romance for me!! AH HAA HAA)

Who questions of how and what I do,
by conducting experiments both kind and cruel?
Picking what I sing for as the best
I know the pains and benefits of this test.

We live in America. I was told from elementary school that this is the best country to live in.
And when I was a kid I could believe it. We are fed at least three blanced meals a day with snacks most times. The president is the smartest guy in the world because he rules our wonderful country. The army protects the USA in case of invaders. We will always be safe and cared for in the good ol USA. Sleep well at night.
Well we live in a wonderful country, I always can feed myself, I can go buy stupid shit at Hot Topic, I sleep in a warm house, in a warm bed, in a safe little town tucked far away in the hills. I have some family that loves me, a little pet cat, all the computer time I could ever want. Videogames, Television, Movies, CD's, makeup, magazines, books, posters. More than my mother had, more than my mother's mother, both combined.
So.. If I live in the land of plenty, the land of opportunity,
I reasonably have nothing to be sad about.
But why do I cry like a child every fucking night? I'm just a fucking EMO kid right. Crying cause my daddy took the keys away from my brand new SUV. Well.. WELL? I'm ungrateful and lazy, my mother hints when I tell her I am tired. I'm told I don't know what tired is. Tired is working my ass off in a stuffy basement and came home and making dinner and doing dishes for my family. ....That is true I know....
I'm not tired..not in the way you thought... or maybe I am ungrateful, lazy, sad fucking EMO kid...

I cry from lonliness, despair, remorse, self-loathing, hoplessness, fear, and pain. Every emotion that everyone fears. I fear it especially, but not so much that I fear to express it. Which makes me feel set much apart from everyone else.

I keep thinking that everyone fears to express themselves, even just a little bit. When you vent your grief you say I'm such a fucking emo kid. No. Those are perfectly valid feelings. Its so stupid to say they really have not emotional merit.
Its stupid for eveyone I know to repress themselves from what they feel.

I can't quite describe this thought I have its so clear it has so much meaning to me.....
This fucking land of substance, objects, image.....fucking america....it's fucking people....
What good is this country if people deny the pain of the world, of themselves and go shopping and watch TV....
Where is the emotion, where is the heart?
What I'm trying to say through all of this is that feeling somthing isn't wrong. Expressing it isn't wrong (within reason). Without expressing emotion you will grow to be fearful of it. "Just smile" everyone says. I know they mean well but a fake smile won't do. Only if I tell you will I somehow feel better. Fuck.. I can't find the words to explain... I hope that somehow you try to understand what I mean.
Emotion is ugly. People don't want to hear what they fear.
Appearances are deciving yet much more comfortable.
A plastic smile on a happy meal toy..

I'm not being critical. I do not know these answers. They are just questions.
Is society trying to standardize us as human products. Medicate us. Supress us. Council, press their ideals into us.
Destroy us when we don't conform emotionally, intellectually, and financially? Toss us away when us, the gears and cogs of the machine of capitalism break down, become useless? Or are we failing because we ARE crazy?
Is it both?
Is society better than it was before? Are our lives really worth much more than in the past? Are our living conditions better, are we not well fed, fat, satiated, intoxicated? Is society, the government, the scientists, the doctors really devoted to make things better, heal us, or are they just trying to numb us, lie to us, cover up our pains? Are they trying to help us be able to motivate us keep us going? Are they really trying to be good to us?

Who is society? Who is us? Who are the Government, the scientists, the doctors the preachers, the institutions? Why?

Burden In My Hand Soundgarden

I shot my love today would cry for me
I lost my head again would you lie for me
I left her in the sand just a burden in my hand
I lost my head again would you cry for me

Follow me into the desert
As thirsty as you are
Crack a smile and cut your mouth
And drown in alcohol
Course down below the truth is lying
Beneath the riverbed
So quench yourself and drink the water
That flows below her head

Oh no there she goes
Out in the sunshine the sun is mine

I shot my love today would cry for me
I lost my head again would you lie for me
I left her in the sand just a burden in my hand
I lost my head again would you cry for me

Close your eyes and bow your head
I need a little simpathy
Cause fear is strong and love's for everyone
Who isn't me
So kill your health and kill yourself
And kill everything you love
And if you live you can fall to pieces
And suffer with my ghost
Just a burden in my hand
Just an anchor on my heart
Just a tumor in my head
And I'm in the dark

I have this silly idea that somehow, there is this single golden thread of goodness in the universe. This is the law of the universe that there must always be goodness in the world, I do not mean God, or glory or heaven. I mean there is this balance of goodness in the world, thats unavoidable. It creates miracles, generates luck, allows us to live and see and love people and things and is the light in a universe full of darkness. Its a string with beads on it, beads being people and things and we are all held together by it.
I'm fucking talking like a crazy person *sigh*..
But I've seen too many things that just oppose my idea. It scares me that everything the cynics say might be true, that life is about buying stupid shit, about doing stupid shit, sex, drugs, and violence. The world is a cruel fucking place so get over it. It must be true right, that lack of stupid shit will make you a miserable, ugly prude. I'm the most miserable person I know, it must be true because I have nothing that the world considers important!!!!!! I'm miserable because I watch everyone I know being so fucking happy with everything I wish I had, I wish even if it caused me more pain to experience.
No.. I'm miserable because I know I can change it all, for me and for everyone in some small way, but I don't.
Its all just so silly, I've been living in my own head for too long.
I say such stupid things. I just sit here an think about life but never do anything.

Why is it so much easier for me to believe in destiny than in hope?
When it comes to my future I just let things happen, I don't make plans I just let it run its course.
So far this belief had served me well. I always feel myself being pushed in ironic and unusual situations but I usually come out either on top as things just fall into place.
I can't help but feel somthing horrible, somthing fearsome is waiting for me in the not too distant future. I don't know, and its awful how afraid it is making me. Its like a sword of Damocles.
I know my belief in fate is going to fail me.
Hope, planning for a fruitful future is what I need now, but why am I so afraid to try to have them?

Christmas. I got almost everything I've always wanted, except a life, but from reading my blog...well you know how goes!
Ah haa haa, well I'm full to the brim with Christmas cheer, or maybe just Grandma's sugar cookies. I ate my weight in pickled herring and m&m's. I adore my DVD's and my magazines and stuff. I got jammies and underware too, yay! I also can't forget that splendid RIGORMORTIS shirt I got from Jimmy and Katie, I'll wear it every day!
Well it seems I'm being a selfish little bitch rambling about what I got but I guess it is the only thing I have to talk about considering how much of a slacker I am. I didn't get any presents for anyone....well maybe a John Mayer CD for my mom. I guess getting her that was pretty generous of me considering that is the last CD I would ever want to listen to and I hope I never hear it played all the way through. But It made her happy I suppose.
I wanted to get presents for all you guys but, alas.. there is nothing but crap in the olean mall. Whatever. This holiday isn't about presents or friends anyway, IT'S ABOUT THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!
F all that. I have a christmas hug for everyone. I also have my very own jar of pickled herring so I'll share that too.
Happy Holidays!
-----Hey, anyone having a holiday party?
Invite me, I'm so funny when I'm drunk!

Happy Birthday to me!
Rockin the 1-8 in tha house,
or somthing like that...

The last poem is unfinished, but I had to get it out before November is over. I feel like I've been asleep for 3 months. I know I have. I just don't know how to explain what november is to me.
Well, just look out the window.
Everything is dead and brown, the trees are bare and the warmth of summer has faded.
All the things I should have accomplished this year.... The warmths of spring and summer are hope. The hope and promise this year had, but I have screwed it all up. The hope fades to a chill and now winter approaches. I can't stand the cold.
Maybe if I had just stored up some hope and love for the winter it would not be so cold. If I had just done somthing these past 11 months instead of living in my stupid mixed up head. What the hell was all this speculation for, without action it is all useless. My reward for my hermatage is more hermitage. More lonelyness. More cold, more cold.
November, its all about death to me. I look outside to the walls of my prison, the hills covered in trees. No leaves. Fall back, it gets dark at 4:30. Im enshrouded in my coffin, (Coudersport) It gets dark so early in the day.. and it just gets colder outside the temperature drops. I just cant explain....
someone said: "I can understand why someone would want to die this time of year,
but why would you want to be born in November."
it was such a thoughtless patronizing thing to say..
It didn't comfort me either at the time, It was all just too much
Im just a rude thing born in the season of the dead.
I still mourn, I still remember this is November...
its too much to think about the beginning and end in one month.

---November--

One day's Indian summer is swept away by a chilling breeze,
The festive orange, yellow and red, depart from the shivering trees.
The slothful sun slips down the hills, evading the end of the day.
The leaves blowing in the wind, trace winters crystilline way..

November is the start
of the turning of my heart
down autumn's dimly lighted road.
Loneliness is this month's somber mode.
I want to flare out and burn the dark
But can only stir the ashes in my heart,
I can only life the voice inside of me
So well as to whimper an elegy.

November is the start
of the turning of my heart.
Its the Twilight of the seasons,
where I wander without reason.
-Naya

ah what the hell..somthing to read if you are really bored
urban legends

Wow... I almost forgot about it.. but I've done somthing right! *dance dance*
My heart sings!

You are American culture! Japan is fascinated with
you, even if you're not always up to the
standards in your home country. Men and women
alike try to emulate everything you do.


Which bizarre Japanese phenomena are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

---My Galley Charged With Forgetfulness--
--Thomas Wyatt--

My galley charged with forgetfulness

Through sharp seas, in winter nights doth pass

'Tween rock and rock; and eke mine enemy,alas,

That is my lord, steereth with cruelness,

And every oar a thought in readyness,

As though that death were light in such a case.

An endless wind doth tear the sail apace

Of forced sighs and trusty fearfulness.

A rain of tears, a cloud of dark disdain,

Hath done the wearied cords great hinderance;

Wreathed with error and eke with ignorance.

The stars that be hid that led me to this pain.

Drowned is reason that should me consort,

And I remain dispairing of the port.

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.


which happy bunny are you?
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I'm pretty damn proud of myself that I got a good grade on my english journal. I know that talking about grades and stuff is boring and stuff but I've been struggling with formal writing for a looooong time. OMG! I WIN!! 48/50
...and I'd like to thank all of the little people and jesus for putting me where I am today!


Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
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Okay, haven't posted in a while, I'm just not as motivated to do stupid stuff like this anymore cause I think I should be doing somthing else. Though, I don't do worthwhile stuff anyway so I guess Its fine I resort to midless ranting.
-----
Now that I look back on it. I guess homecoming wasn't so bad. I didn't have my heartbroken, and I wasn't too lonely, just felt a little awkward. It was really stoopid how everyone got so dressed up for such a shoddy shindig. It was just like going to school with an expensive dress and intricate hairdo. It probably would have been better if I had went to school that way I could look fancy for 8 hours instead of the 4 hours I spent at homecoming.
Anyway, it was worth it just to play hack in my facy dress and shoes. I find that thought extremely amusing. I also enjoyed the fact that people didn't recognize me cause I was all spiffied up and sexalicious for once, Instead of my frizzy hair, baggy pants and grease stained sweatshirts. I can't wait until my pictures get developed, I might have christa post them on her blog. I bet I look drunk in every picture! KICKASS!