I'm feeling a little crispy around the edges.
Not in a bad, burnt toast kind of way.
It's like:
"A delicate aroma, smooth texture, but also crispy around the edges. Well excecuted! 9.5,"
Kind of way...
Regretfully, when I'm bitten into, you will find I'm filled with that nasty fluid inside those cherry cordial chocolates.
---
Not to self: I should take some time to learn how to punctuate.
Because I think I'm starting to care.

Justin: I'm not working here after tonight 'cuz im winning the lottery.
Willy: (munching on a sammich) 50 million dollars is a lot of money.
What would you do with it?
Naya: I would build a castle on the hill and look down on all the people of Coudersport.
I'd be all "look at you in your little trailers and such."
Willy: What ah you kiddin' me? You like it here?
You mustah been born here.
Naya: Haha, yeah..
Willy: I'm from NEW YOK CITTUH!

Chung Hwa Ban Jeom

Right, so, whenever I stop writing for a day or so I totally lose momentum. I have to start over and refer to my first grade spelling book. A is for what again?
Anyway I felt like shit in August, then I felt smothered and then penitent in September and now its like, "fuck-off October". Yeah just like that, I'll paint all of my experiences and feelings in those fucking red and blue and yellow colors I will, yes I will. Just one more color than black and white.
I always thought 'and' should be a color. It would be like when my preschool teacher told me "paisley was a color," fucking paisley, and that's all I can remember from my Montessouri years.
Anyway, "the head forgets while the heart remembers", I made up that tacky saying because that's just how I operate, on short little quips and phrases, " a penny saved is a penny earned," "love is patient love is kind..", "can you hear me now?"
Why does my head not collect and recollect factiful historical information to draw upon when I need direction. I just think what my heart says and it says "loev foerevuur" or"anger anger, kill kill".
Anyway, I'm writing more like my train of thought sounds in my mind than the way I was taught to write in high squell. Therefore, what I'm saying should be making little sense.
----
I am really good now. Just good, not great. I reserve the description great when I go out and do something totally righteous and/or excellent. I've been sitting around too much, and playing videogames to feel wonderful. This is the way I waste the precious hours of my life, I would be fine with this if only this silly, oh so insignificant, oh so small caged tiger in my heart would stop pacing around.
I've been having a hard time finding a balance, I'm adventurous and bold and shy and retiring and all shades in between. Lately I've been feeling all watered down and my wind is all full of sails again. Then I say hey, I've got a bunch of cool stuff I gotta do. Then it's like I can't do enough, or see enough, or destroy enough. Always its the polar opposites biting each other on the ass.
But I gotta say after everything, all the trouble I been getting into I feel wiser, and more confident and just better, all around better. It has less to do with with any one person or event that the whole shiny spectrum of crap I've gotten myself into.
I don't mean I'm going out looking for trouble, I just kind meet it half way, and shake hands with it and let trouble order me a mixed drink, and a shot, or one, or two, or five.

...and, in other news, it snowed in Buffalo.
Oh yeah, and that congressman is a total pedo.
Up next: an interview with Lindsay Lohan's crotch!

holy shit..
what else can I say!
Anyway, I've been feeling pretty good lately.
I get to see all my best friends again *cries*.
Alright.. I'm sorry for being a sap. I feel blessed, YES, Blessed.
How else could I feel, I've been staring into space and making friends with spiders and rolly-polly bugs. Now, I'm not saying my friends are just a little better company than creepy crawlers..
uh, I mean.. well most of them are, but I just miss all the times we had together.
I feel like I got a second chance and I'm not taking a minute of it for granted.
okay now here's where I contradict myself:
I totally need some major hang out-bonding time with fellow members of the female gender.
Now, I adore all of my male friends, but I swear to god I can only take so much of this chat about
computer parts, and videogames, and home theater systems. God please, I'm suffocating.
Nails, hair, makeup, jewelery, clothes, girly things, these things DO concern me at times. I know I'm usually wash and wear natural beauty tomboy type, but this is just too much, gwaaaargh..
I have to catch up on my gossip and damn if I don't have a lot to tell, it's like carrying a loaded gun around, I bloody swear. I'm gonna shoot myself in the foot or somthing.
Somebody save me!

Things are totally shaping up, I do say.
Yeah so, I was all like "Hey lets move ALL the furniture," and Brian is all like "okay"
So the living room is now in the living room.
Where it should be.
Right.

Disney/Dali amazingness:
Destino

Thank you, my sweet deity, for giving me such wonderful friends.

I wasn't going to post anymore because I thought that anything I would try to say would just be exponentially stupider than the last. I think I'm out to totally embarrass myself trying to explain really personal feelings in my blogthought words.
But I look back on previous posts, and I suppose I could only do better.
There are a lot of things I just wish I would have said plainly.
Its all vane ramblings.
Trying to explain in the most honest words what its like to be me, what it is to think like me.
It's useless because you can't really know anyone, and useless because I'm just a person, and as a person you already know what its like to feel like a person.
Yeah that's one of the reasons I have a blog, to show everyone who I am 'cause I'm just so damn wonderful.
Ooooh wanna know the second reason? Its 'coz I want to entertain myself. You know, The person who learns to laugh at themselves has a lifelong source of entertainment. OMG I'm fuckin HI-LARIOUS.
The third reason would be to entertain others, and I think It's worked pretty well, if by "entertaining others" I mean making them go blind by reading absurd blocks of text that don't really say anything.
The fourth reason that I hang out with Mr. Bloggy, is that I can communicate through him. This works pretty well too especially when I spit poison but mean to say I love you.
When I say "POISON" you say "TREE".
But I can't blame it on the blog, there is something so inherently fucked up about my thinking, and when mixed with trying to talk to individuals but worrying of others will take it wrong things get so messed up. I'm so form over function that it is just wrong.

Last year I was fortunate to stay a week with my best friend Christa down in glorious Punxy.
I needed a vacation to clear my head, try to sort out what kind of possibilities there were in the world for me, outside of Coudy. I know it's impossible to really figure that stuff out in a week, especially in a hole like Punxy. But anyway..
In my estimation, I really suck at being a friend sometimes, but its not from a lack of trying.
I guess it's easy to feel that way when you gotta go through hard times together and you don't know how to handle a situation you've never been in. I was there, I listened, tried to say anything, not just anything.. but somthing. I tried to say somthing useful. I tried to be of some comfort. I guess I could relate to this kind of situation. I don't know if I should attempt to make these kind of compairisons. .. well guess who's name came up. Who was the person I couldn't get off my mind.
That was a year ago almost. Asked me a year previous to that and the answer still would have been the same.
That was a pretty long week down in Punxy. I had a lot of time to myself to just sit around and think. I would lie around and ask myself the bathtub question. The question I always think about when I'm up to my neck in bubbles. It's kind of hard to explain.. its kind of like this:
Is it true that everything I could ever hope to have I have already, and everything I could be I already am. I'm not sure how to make it make much more sense. Honestly, I would hate to think that right now I couldn't have any more happiness in my life if I tried a little harder, or just simply chose a more logical path. I hope this isn't all I can expect ou of life.
I get stuck in ruts all the time, I'm feel pretty weak and inferior, I feel like I have to cling to the things I know to find any happiness in life.
Lately I've been considering my life subjectively, and objectively. It's somthing that I've always done but never really called it a name. Well we just compair good and bad.
On one hand I live in this cozy house, with a beautiful view of the hills (if you can ignore the PennDOT barbed wire fence and buildings). I'm surrounded by wonderful people that care very much for me, and i for them. I never go hungry, I don't have need for much money, and I have no interest in most any material possesions. On the other hand I feel like I have to bend to everyone's wills, make everyone happy at my own expense. I have to live with this undeniable pain and anger about stupid shit that happened a decade ago.
I just long to break free of everything, I want to be independant. I don't think I have to neccissarily trade all of the hapiness that I have now for cold uncertainty. But do I really want to find out? Damn, I guess it's called growing up.
I always question what I've done and left undone, wrong or right.
But I just can't question wanting.
(I'm too tired to continue, and damn if this keeps making less and less sense to me. goodnight)

It's pretty funny just how close I have to put my face up to the screen to be able to see without my contacts in. Less than four inches I'm guessing.

It seems I forgot to check my in-box in the last THREE WEEKS..
I only thought Nintendo ever e-mailed me!!!
Yes, I'm a total dork
Damn damn damn...
Now what am I supposed to say?

I would feel much better if I could just pour my heart all out.
My "heart" changes from one day to the next, so anything I say.. doesn't matter much?
I gotta stop thinking that one thing I feel one day is the beat all, end all, true definition,
the moment, the one. It's so hard for me being such a dumb kid, I think that a year is a long time, I can't fucking wait until Christmas.
...posting on my blog, I hate to think that anything I write here would be understood as the final word on any of my opinions, and I hate to think just how much could be misconstrued. I've been utterly stupid in the way I types itty bitty bits of text ....holes, fruits, dreams...without the context. It seems I don't take as much consideration into the thoughts and feelings of others as I probably should. As I should.
When I think about how my thoughts and blog-thoughts differ. I think of this episode of the Twilight Zone where this young guy who works at a bank gets the power of mind reading for one day. The young guy just listens in on all of his co-workers thoughts, and in particular to this old man who was a trustworthy, reliable and had worked at the bank for decades. The young guy becomes convinced that the old man will rob the bank, and leave the country. But it is later revealed that "taking the money and running" was just a fantasy the old man uses to get through the day. He had never intended on actually doing this thing.
My blog is, at times just free thought. Many thoughts aren't expanded upon, there are many amendments to be made. I just don't know how much of this crap can be taken seriously...
I can't say that what I'm writing doesn't matter much, I've really affected a lot of people whether I've meant to or not. I've posted what did matter to me, I post what does matter to me and I've posted what mattered to me at the time. I didn't consider what might matter to others.
But what matters to others is not what this stupid blog journal is about. Then again It is public, it says things that involve other people. I should take more responsibility. I could tell you to take some responsibility for your own damn self, and instead of you jumping to conclusions, just ask me. But that isn't always possible. I can't be a pushy bastardess and tell you what to do. That's just more of me ignoring how you feel.
Obviously I should maybe establish some guidelines to follow here. Perhaps my personal thoughts should belong in my "book of things im not supposed to have" (my personal diary).
Some ideas are dangerous, I should not point the weapon at myself, or anyone, unless I mean to destroy. I shouldn't imply that I know anything about anyone. Cut the drama..
I dunno, make it all boring.
I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've said, but I guess I gotta leave them, some kind of testament, some kinda memorial, but more important than leaving it there, I have to remember to look back, remember to remember. It would have saved me so much heartache, to learn from my mistakes.

Hello World!
I guess, I'm posting for the sake of posting.
I've doing a lot of thinking lately.. and that's.. pretty much.. it.
I'll let you know how that thinking stuff all works out.
Sorry for not having anything useful to say.
Hoo-ray

I can't stop thinking about you.
I can't make this feeling go away.
I've realized too much, too late. It's killing me.
I don't know what to do.
My heart is aching so badly.

I know this sounds totally lame, but I think I'll start drawing cartoon strips again.
Just the idea of it fills me with rapture. YES! RAPTURE!
Oh, the demented ideas I have, oh the evil glee, the simple stupidity,
..the challenge.
I hopes I can remember how to draw.

I just don't know how to describe how much this hurts.
I've never cried so hard.
It's the life I've designed though, with my own lies.
This is the world I will live in, along with every ounce of pain I've caused.
The walls I've built to keep me from the pain, now block me in.
It wasn't worth it, it isn't worth it.
Nothing ever seemed to be worth so much.

I'll be here for quite some time it seems.

It doesn't make much sense:

I guess I could find some satisfaction that I tried to live as well as I could,
the best life that a stupid, pathetic, lost person could.
I don't believe in the afterlife, is just more of the same "before I was born" nothing stuff.
I feel that life is precious, it makes me want to search and live for greater things knowing that this is it.
I was pretty young when I began to truly appreciate the richness of life.
As I grew older and experienced more things and grew aware of lifes complexities, I became intimidated.
Isn't it supposed to be the opposite, I don't know.
I built my house on the sinking sand.
I'm not proud of the way I've been living my life. I'm very weak in my convictions.. bleh.. just fucking look at me, I'm practically screaming "Take advantage of me!"
Life still matters to me, all I want is to grow, and keep everything that matters most to me, close to me. I just can't have what I want right now. Who needed more than I had to give?
Changing doesn't matter when you don't know what you want. I just wanted to be good enough. Change...what kind of puffs-of-air rhetoric are you gonna come up with this time to defend this holy war, Naya? ...like, just exisisting is a moral dilemma.
It's all just black and white and 100 mph.
One thing I've wanted was to be in love. I've been raised on totally fantastical ideals. Disney movies and radio love songs. I wondered why those love stories don't end up more like mom and dad, or auntie, or like mr. neighbor (i mean as bad as you can imagine).
My "love" story ends like this:
we get into some kind of fight, probably because I'm jealous of him. I'll be all like "Oh he thinks I'm a bitch, hey. I'm gonna chase him down in my SUV. hey. We will see who is a bitch." I'll accidentally, but totally on purpose run him over, then purely accidentally back over him again. I'll be destroyed and remorseful about backing over him again, because he didn't deserve that one. But I'll always be confused about whether I really meant to run him over and kill him in the first place.
This is the way it's been, I'm so scared that it might always be that way. It makes me sad that I might only know a life of regret.