I've gotta say all this drug stuff is wrong. I quit that stuff because it upsets people I care about who have genuine concern for me and my happiness, it did not make me happy, I could not do enough to label me a stoner or elevate my status as a no-status social outcast. I couldn't be famed for drug use, was not a supplier or seller of it, so why keep up with it all? I know that if I kept on going I would become so miserable I probably would have had some sort of mental breakdown or I would be miserable because I made the people I love miserable by lying to them, saying I wouldn't do it anymore when I would. It wasn't worth the short time of feeling good, when I got so depressed after..I have the munchies constantly anyway. Drug use as I see it is a product of the constant want of a label or some kind of social-staus. Drug use is buying a label in a plastic baggie full of weed or in a pill bottle. People know you use drugs, you are a stoner, or seen as somthing as a god when you can take as much as you can. Drugs will get you somewhere when all other methods of achieving a lable have failed. I thought that I might seem cooler if people knew I did stuff, well the certainly were surprised. I admit I wanted to be somthing I wasn't or couldn't be. That isn't the only reason I tried stuff don't get me wrong, I wanted to experiment, learn me somthin from the experience. I learned a lot. I don't want to be one of those people who say they are gonna quit one day but smoke a day or two later. I don't want to say I'm gonna quit for a month just for a drug test. I'm not saying I know any dependants but I think I could in the near future. I don't want to see my friends like that, bad enough my family is. As I see it drug use is a sign of having a shitty family or living in a shitty society, I'm not saying that people who drug in general are shitheads. I just want people to stop pretending that nobody cares about them, open your fucking eyes... This rant isn't nearly as deep as I want it to be, it sounds like a handout you'd be given in elementary school drug education class...or a lecture from your daddy. But I gotta say pot, alcohol whatever is a soma (just wait until you read Brave New World) making drooling idiots instead of strong men and women who can face up to their problems without running away. I understand circumstances beyond control.... Don't call me insensitive... well whatever I'm sick of seeing this stupid rant.

I'm tired of myself again hooray.
I want to be sparkling white, I want to be the green eyed goddess. I want to be the polished and sanded bits of glass that wash up on the beach at sunset, I want to be the angel in that painting, I want to be that sketch of a solitary rose I want to be the pretty lady with the pretty hair, I want to be the aluminum siren, I want to be the mother of silly bean bag animals, I want to be a stupid 16 year old girl, a voice from across the horizon, a swedish sex kitten..

I want to throw away these words/phrases from my vocabulary:
-nothing
-forever
-always
-the phrase: "greatest and/or most awesome thing in the world"
-huh?
-stupid
-douche bag
-trying
-well...
-I don't know
-I can't say
-sorry
-I wont do it again
-I'm just kidding
-I wasn't lying
-are you alright?
-I just don't know what to say
-horrible
-I don't understand
-what?

Hullo to everyone, I'm not ded.
Guess what? Emergency Room trip #4 yesterday.
Cause my poor Brians jaw is swollen up big, like yo mommas ass, and it hurts like a bitch. Brian is a good man, he doesn't complain about shit.
This time we got the goods, kind of I guess, that pill with the fancy name Vicodin. Hah...you know..that one.
There was this big fat, trailer-white trash woman in the bed next to Brain at the hospital, she went *poooot* "oops I just farted heh heh". Her son went "I did too, heh heh." Her son kept talking somthing about how his girlfriend was pregnant or somthing and the baby wasn't forming right so they needed somthing to (and I quote) "stick somthing in her kootchie and suck it out."
I gagged. Brian wonders if he heard correctly.
But the problem wasn't sucking somthing out of a girls kootch. It was the big fat momma. She had an oozing wound that "poured water". She says it just "runs down my legs and into my socks, it gets my pants so wet I can wring them out."
I gag, gag, gag, again. Brian gags too. We're glad we have a curtain separating us from them.
In the bed left of us was this little 4 year old kid who fell 10-15 feet out of a window. He was pushing on a screen on his window and he fell out, he smacked his head on the ledge of a bay window and hit the ground.
I'm guessing that kid was fine cause he was laughing and jumping on the bed and stuff. Its so cute when little kids cuss!
kid:"ha haa shit"
momma: what did you say?
kid: nothin heh heh
I offered to play doctor with Brian. He didn't think that was appropriate hospital conduct. heh heh
Life is a big bowl of cherries, I'm happy, seems everyone else is too. At least it seems like no one has a reason to be unhappy, but realistically I suppose that is never the case. I kinda feel like I'm being left out of all your fancy fun. But I know that its my fault for not getting out more. I know I can pick up the phone and call you but hey.. you have a phone too, communicatinon works two ways, so does friendship.
--Helpful Hint: CALL ME SOMETIMES.
sometime soon. Don't forget I love you all, okay?