Launching bottle rockets out of a doll's ass... I thought I grew out of being compelled to do stuff like that but doing it makes me want to do it more. Simple minds, simple pleasures ey?

I think it would do me good somtimes to have someone call me an idiot.
I need a mirror for my soul so I can see who I think I am, because I'm stumbling in the dark *yawn* cliche cliche...
I'm perplexed, I don't even know if I hate myself of love myself.
I'm blind, and the only vision I have is what I think I might be someday, but I don't know if I'm near or far from it.
I wonder if it is narcissistic to look into one's head, as it is to always look into a mirror.

Hooray! They found my purse at the parish center. I'm glad some dirty shmuck didn't steal it.

I am 45% Tortured Artist

I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole where I am alone and against the world.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com

I hope I sleep and dream where I'm about walking over the hills during the prime of fall when the leaves are insanely gold and blood red. Then in this dream, I'll find myself to be 20 pounds lighter and much skinnier and I'm dressed in white, I'll fall into a pool of the clearest spring water and lie there staring at the bottom. The pool will have sunset pink flowers nuzzling the sandy floor I watch them dance and feel so very happy. I'll roll onto my back and watch the whipped cream clouds float by. I'll sink under the water and I'll watch the sunlight dance on its surface until I go blind. I'll find myself on the forest floor again, lying on a bead of leaves. The sunlight will dry my skin and make me feel warm again. Then snow white feahters will fall from he sky, blown free in the wind from the giant feather trees. Tiny, fat bluebirds will hop and sing in the feather trees, and fly down to peck at my fingers. I'll stand and walk westward toward the building. The abandoned cement structure 50 stories high. There will be many rusty pipes there and steel beams sticking out from the walls. An iron staircase leads to the very top of this structure, to the gaping hole in the roof where rain pours in, but there is no rain on this day. A blue sky can be seen peeking in. I'll climb up these stairs, there will be a robot there. This robot is made of an iridescent silvery beetle shell. It is not an obnoxious robot made to copy and manufacture and distroy. It just exisists to exisist. I climb to the top and out onto the roof, there is bliss there, there is no one, nothing animate, only vines and flowers. I look over the edge to see a swamp spreading out in all directions, I hear the faint chirping of spring peepers. It is sunset now. I wander back home, throught the lush forests, over the water, my feet won't touch the ground. Is my love at home yet?
Do I care? I sleep. I wake.
That's the dream I want to have.

You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and
self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with
you will never be boring!


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
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finally .. someone normal !! lol your awesome


How insane are you?
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Dear Jesus, I'm playing Pogs.

Don't not take the medication?!?
I really want to know if the pills are good or bad.
I feel rather moderate about them, but knowing that I might have to take them someday I really want to more about them.
I do know that it would be wrong to walk into a normal medical doctor's office say "I'm feeling a little down" and get a bunch of what we call "happy pills" or antidepressants. First of all, it isn't at all right that a medical doctor should just write a perscription without the consent of some mental health practitioner. Second of all it is completely wrong that a doctor or anyone should give a pill to make it all magically just all so much easier. A little pill to make up for the apathy of a society. When what they really need is to do is help a person through hard times, or help them find couseling, or just be their friend. But depression is a real disease and pills might just be neccissary. Medication makes it easier for a person to just live with themselves, have the energy to at least be able to do what they really want to do. It could help treat an imbalance that made life confusing, unbearable, or difficult. Of course there are side effects but there is to everything we experience in life. I just don't know.
Is this the way it is "here's your damned pill, hand over the money and you can be fucking happy with your mediocre life"?
Is this the way it is "this treatment won't exactly make the world a bright and shiny place but it will help you to try and be happy, to be able to feel like doing what you feel you need to do"?
Depression is hard enough, how can people feel confident about making a decison on their own treatment.
It doesn't make it any easier when people don't understand. They will tell you to "just smile" and to "just have some fun".
I hear that telling a depressed person to be happy is like telling an insomniac to get more sleep. Indeed. I certainly believe that. While it is sort of comforting to see your friends concerned it is also rather disheatening to have them notice you are sad and kind of single you out. Sometimes people just need time to think about things, time to be sad, time to be alone. But it is also important to be their for your friend and try to understand. Its not easy, fuck no, not at all. Its a very delicate situation sometimes and it sucks when people run their mouths about things they don't know. But I always feel that it is rewarding to have patience.

The pressures of this world crushing us, invisible burdens of mythril or whatever you would call imaginary substance of legendary strength. Life is pointless, it is meaningless. I know, I can see great piles of everything obscuring a panorama of nothing and nothing. Like pictures of adorable cut outs of a teenage girls boyfriends on her wall. Useless piled on nothing. But it makes her happy. Television, books, clothing, computers, religion mass diversion, medication, drugs, people, anything of mass or substance or ideas tangible and untangible they make us happy or angry or whatever. Our splendid soma. What does it matter if we live or die? Is death worse than walking around manipulating objects, our pencils with our fingers, our feet to touch the ground, our minds around our problems? Could death be a lack of ability to manipulate our minds and bodies, what if we gain somthing else we cannot even comprehend as we exist now as mind and body? What if we just stop? I can't remember the time before I was born. I do know that I have this instinct that I should be alive. I know how it is to be alive, what "living" means. Look at through the eyes of a computer or a rock. They do not move or manipulate in any concious manner, there is no intelligence in their way. What it is to be alive is to make and do more than what is not intelligent, concious or unable to move grow or reproduce. Living is moving, running, standing, making, doing, reproducing, thinking, writing, creating, distroying, killing, hating, loving. The people of the world have us think that living is one thing, living for god, living for others, living for to getting married getting a good job having children and dying. Well it is just not one thing or another, not to me. Living in a system is like living like a computer somthing inanimate, programmed to do everything it does, like people are programmed by society what to do. I do not want to live like an animal, they have their instincts that make them follow their own determined path. I'm a human I have a will perhaps not totally free of instinct or programming but I can very well make decisions that natures zombies couldn't make. I am full of so many endless possiblities. I'm told I hold so much "potential" and when I find out what the hell that is supposed to mean and for what I'll be alive. Because now I feel so dead, sitting and typing, having people talk down to me all the time, not knowing how to manipulate my clumsy limbs and my clouded mind. When I say "things are gonna get better" I mean that I feel like I'm gonna be resurrected to life, to be what I know I can be, what everybody else is and more importantly what nobody is.
I love ranting like a crazy man, but I dunno how to explain just how much I cherish being alive, and life, and how shitty I feel when I am confused about what sort of path I should blaze and when I see other people denying themselves their lives and happiness.
Ha.. I'm silly.

From now on I'll be adding pictures to my blog.


A creation that I am most proud of!

"Do you go to the dungeon, to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon?
Writing a letter to you didn't make me feel any more useful than when we weren't speaking."
Look at me! I'm an emo kid posting lyrics on my blog...

You must be pretty peeved right now then, eh?

What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

I feel pretty darn good.
And I know that because I don't feel like writing "oh woe is me" or "you stupid capitalist pigs" or "I am teh suck" blog entries.
I feel pretty good because I'm making new friends and making better friends with the ones I already have.

I really like sunshine. I love the colors it makes. It makes yellow, peach and gold clouds in the morning, white puffy clouds in the afternoon and red, pink and purple in the evening. I love the sunlight in the late afternoon when im standing in the middle of the street downtown and all the bulidings are left in the shadows but the hills and houses up the street are still illuminated in gold. I like the way the sunlight glows red on the sides of the houses at sunset. I love to look out Christa's kitchen door and watch the way the light from the hills run into the clouds and fade away. I loved to sit on Jimmy's porch in the fall and see the neighborhood, the hills and the clouds drenched in gold and red. I don't think that anyone has really taken the time to observe how perticularly beautiful the light lies on the hills surrounding the high school. In the fall, during gym class I stood in the football field and almost cried at how beautiful the light looked reflecting off the mists burning off the hills.
I love how sunlight burns the skin. I love how it is always warm and even on the coldest days one can stand in front of the window and absorb the heat. I even sleep at the opposite side of the bed so I can look right out of the window and see light before I go to sleep or when I wake up.

God, my blog is so amusing...

"--cut cut cut...
hating every day
and growing insane
a rush to hide your wakeining pain
to obscure the scars that "healed in time"
somthing warm makes you remember you are alive"
----------
probably don't remember that poem I wrote, Its about cutting yourself to feel better.
I never cut myself so really I wouldn't know but I know plenty of people who have.
Anyway, I think I'll equate cutting with internet romance.
Cutting is just somthing useless, and counterproductive. It doesn't really make you feel better.
Internet romance is useless, counterproductive and after all is said and done doesn't make you feel better.
But I don't want to get myself misunderstood again.
Like back in the darkages I compaired my romance with a certain someone to a t-shirt I had outgrown. He thought I meant him. It is so stupid to sit in front of a screen all "snufflywufflykins"
Sigh, but me and my stupid defective short term memory went back and fell again....
and again...
and again....
and fuck...
I never fucking learn.
I only ever told the truth. I always really did feel what I said I did.
Except when it came to saying what it is like, realistically to be in a relationship like this. Its twisted reality in conveinent little box. It's a chocolate egg with no cadburry cream. A promise of a sweet little treat. All words and no SEX!! No hugs, no hand holding, no pleasure of you just being there.
Ah haa haa... Somthing that is really silly to think of considering that I'd been doing this since I was about 14. Stupid bitch(bitch being me). It sucks and its so very bad for my mental health.
It just sucked so bad, It still sucks.
I felt like you just up and left me and took my faith and my voice along with you. One of the few people I could just sit down and, I could just compose my thoughts and I could talk..argh..
So, my computer time is reserved for friends and writing my Hamlet essay only. I suppose I could only speculate if you would still want to be my friend, I'll leave that up to you.
But anyway...what I guess I'm saying through this is that I'm stupid and I've been though this a million times, I'm a coward and I chase my tail in a spiral, down and down. I'm done talking about it.

It's fucking crazy..
I need to be a better person. Set a better example for the people around me. I have a sister and friends, and I feel like somehow I'm dragging them all down. I run in circles, I'm a hipocrite. I keep on doing what I know is wrong. I havn't been supportive enough. I just know I can do more but Its so much my habit to say the wrong thing, to put everything off until its too late, and to hide all of my fear. I hate myself, I hate that I don't change when I know I can.

I am 69% Evil Genius

Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com

Why do I have to be so damned critical of everything all the time? Oh look at me now, being critical of me being critcal. And now being critical of me being critical of me being critical of.......
awww fuck..

I was gonna write somthing completely different frome what I am now but I just saw somthing that just made me sick. There was this blog called "HOT ABERCROMBIE CHICK". That makes me sick. Its so sad when people had over their identity to corporate labels.
I'm pretty sick of Abercrombie too. Their clothes really aren't that great, they are assembled in a sweatshop in a third-world country, overpriced and marketed shamlessly to spoiled rich kids. Well just like everything else the USA. The world is fucked...everything is fucked!

I had a dream last night that I was crawling through a bramble bush with my friend and suddenly lost all control of my sense of direction. I got so confused and disorented I couldn't crawl backwards out of the dead end. I was so blind I just rolled over and squirmed like a worm and watched the sky and earth spin all around. There were people there that wanted to help me find my way out but I was haveing a seizure, I was in a trance. Someone tried to cut a branch loose so I could see the people trying to help me and I could see them. But the branch landed on my head and it hurt so fucking bad and it didn't help at all. I would just sit there forever and my friend would be trapped with me, it would be my fault, I lead her into danger, and we would both die.