Christmas. I got almost everything I've always wanted, except a life, but from reading my blog...well you know how goes!
Ah haa haa, well I'm full to the brim with Christmas cheer, or maybe just Grandma's sugar cookies. I ate my weight in pickled herring and m&m's. I adore my DVD's and my magazines and stuff. I got jammies and underware too, yay! I also can't forget that splendid RIGORMORTIS shirt I got from Jimmy and Katie, I'll wear it every day!
Well it seems I'm being a selfish little bitch rambling about what I got but I guess it is the only thing I have to talk about considering how much of a slacker I am. I didn't get any presents for anyone....well maybe a John Mayer CD for my mom. I guess getting her that was pretty generous of me considering that is the last CD I would ever want to listen to and I hope I never hear it played all the way through. But It made her happy I suppose.
I wanted to get presents for all you guys but, alas.. there is nothing but crap in the olean mall. Whatever. This holiday isn't about presents or friends anyway, IT'S ABOUT THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!
F all that. I have a christmas hug for everyone. I also have my very own jar of pickled herring so I'll share that too.
Happy Holidays!
-----Hey, anyone having a holiday party?
Invite me, I'm so funny when I'm drunk!

Happy Birthday to me!
Rockin the 1-8 in tha house,
or somthing like that...

The last poem is unfinished, but I had to get it out before November is over. I feel like I've been asleep for 3 months. I know I have. I just don't know how to explain what november is to me.
Well, just look out the window.
Everything is dead and brown, the trees are bare and the warmth of summer has faded.
All the things I should have accomplished this year.... The warmths of spring and summer are hope. The hope and promise this year had, but I have screwed it all up. The hope fades to a chill and now winter approaches. I can't stand the cold.
Maybe if I had just stored up some hope and love for the winter it would not be so cold. If I had just done somthing these past 11 months instead of living in my stupid mixed up head. What the hell was all this speculation for, without action it is all useless. My reward for my hermatage is more hermitage. More lonelyness. More cold, more cold.
November, its all about death to me. I look outside to the walls of my prison, the hills covered in trees. No leaves. Fall back, it gets dark at 4:30. Im enshrouded in my coffin, (Coudersport) It gets dark so early in the day.. and it just gets colder outside the temperature drops. I just cant explain....
someone said: "I can understand why someone would want to die this time of year,
but why would you want to be born in November."
it was such a thoughtless patronizing thing to say..
It didn't comfort me either at the time, It was all just too much
Im just a rude thing born in the season of the dead.
I still mourn, I still remember this is November...
its too much to think about the beginning and end in one month.

---November--

One day's Indian summer is swept away by a chilling breeze,
The festive orange, yellow and red, depart from the shivering trees.
The slothful sun slips down the hills, evading the end of the day.
The leaves blowing in the wind, trace winters crystilline way..

November is the start
of the turning of my heart
down autumn's dimly lighted road.
Loneliness is this month's somber mode.
I want to flare out and burn the dark
But can only stir the ashes in my heart,
I can only life the voice inside of me
So well as to whimper an elegy.

November is the start
of the turning of my heart.
Its the Twilight of the seasons,
where I wander without reason.
-Naya

ah what the hell..somthing to read if you are really bored
urban legends

Wow... I almost forgot about it.. but I've done somthing right! *dance dance*
My heart sings!

You are American culture! Japan is fascinated with
you, even if you're not always up to the
standards in your home country. Men and women
alike try to emulate everything you do.


Which bizarre Japanese phenomena are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

---My Galley Charged With Forgetfulness--
--Thomas Wyatt--

My galley charged with forgetfulness

Through sharp seas, in winter nights doth pass

'Tween rock and rock; and eke mine enemy,alas,

That is my lord, steereth with cruelness,

And every oar a thought in readyness,

As though that death were light in such a case.

An endless wind doth tear the sail apace

Of forced sighs and trusty fearfulness.

A rain of tears, a cloud of dark disdain,

Hath done the wearied cords great hinderance;

Wreathed with error and eke with ignorance.

The stars that be hid that led me to this pain.

Drowned is reason that should me consort,

And I remain dispairing of the port.

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm pretty damn proud of myself that I got a good grade on my english journal. I know that talking about grades and stuff is boring and stuff but I've been struggling with formal writing for a looooong time. OMG! I WIN!! 48/50
...and I'd like to thank all of the little people and jesus for putting me where I am today!


Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay, haven't posted in a while, I'm just not as motivated to do stupid stuff like this anymore cause I think I should be doing somthing else. Though, I don't do worthwhile stuff anyway so I guess Its fine I resort to midless ranting.
-----
Now that I look back on it. I guess homecoming wasn't so bad. I didn't have my heartbroken, and I wasn't too lonely, just felt a little awkward. It was really stoopid how everyone got so dressed up for such a shoddy shindig. It was just like going to school with an expensive dress and intricate hairdo. It probably would have been better if I had went to school that way I could look fancy for 8 hours instead of the 4 hours I spent at homecoming.
Anyway, it was worth it just to play hack in my facy dress and shoes. I find that thought extremely amusing. I also enjoyed the fact that people didn't recognize me cause I was all spiffied up and sexalicious for once, Instead of my frizzy hair, baggy pants and grease stained sweatshirts. I can't wait until my pictures get developed, I might have christa post them on her blog. I bet I look drunk in every picture! KICKASS!

--Hoemcoeming--

sucked.

--Bitter
why do all my friends find themselves on a path to self destruction, self-depreciation or depression. Does it just come with the territory, having friends on the very bottom rung of the social ladder?
Its it strange coincidence.. I don't know. Its so strange.. I know I have my problems too. There are very few of my friends I can name that haven't either been taken to drug-rehab, to the psychiatric ward, to juvenile hall, to foster homes, or dropped out of school. I also can't name many who haven't tried to kill themself, or worse.. I know some that were into hard-core drug use.
Is it that I make friends with troubled people? Could I be troubled too?
I don't know if anyone can understand how lonely it is when your new best buddy just dissapears. When you find out that they have been in a psychiatric ward or drug-rehab.
I wonder was there anything I could have done to influence them to stop.
I think about it often. I am too weak, boring, stupid for anyone to really listen to?
I think I'd have to scream in your face for you to understand, but even then.. I'd just be screaming. That wouldn't accomplish anything. I just want all my friends to know that they torture me sometimes. I can't make them be happy I can't make them hear me. Oh, but if only they would listen! ...listen just for a while... there is help... just like there are mechanics for cars... like technical support when you screw up windows.
I don't know what else to say I'm so frustrated with everyone's attitudes now. They just don't realize their significance in my life. Your hope is my hope, without my friends i have nothing to hope for. I struggle with the same demons, i know.. to see my friends lose to them is discouraging to me.

----IV----

The second pool was bulging at the seams with all of the people in it. It seemed that this pool was filled with what seemed to be mud. It looked kind of fun, to be frolicking in a pool full of mud. So I asked a girl who was wading into the pool what was going on. She told me that it was okay because it was only sewage run-off and not real shit. I was completely shocked and my stomach began to churn. With this knowledge I stood and watched them for a while. Gradually the people began to fall into a trance. They began to writhe and squirm. They began stripping themselves naked and squirmed like thousands of maggots in a carcass. People then, started to sink under the “mud” and nobody noticed or cared. They were all enthralled by bathing in their own shit. My blood turned to ice, a million spears of shock pierced my chest and back. I froze into place with a wide-eyed stare. I tried to scream for help but it caught in my throat. My heart beat so aggressively at my ribs I thought my chest would burst. I screamed again and looked for anything that I could do to save these people. I spotted two people above the pool standing on an iron catwalk suspended above the pool. I climbed up the iron steps that lead up to the walkway.
There was a woman in a pink business suit, standing there. I pleaded to her to stop what was going on but she just glanced at her partner, a man in a gunmetal gray business suit. He was pushing buttons on a large control panel. He turned and looked at me nonchalantly and stopped what he was doing.
I became aware of the fact that they were the people who were running the operation. They only said to me that the people were doing what made them feel good, and that it was their job to operate this monstrous death tank. . I was quite convinced that these two people were either demons, or dual facets of the soul of the devil himself! I told them that they had no business doing that, no matter what the circumstances are. They might not be considered to be the nicest people in the world by my scruffy friends but they don’t deserve to be treated that way. I might consider them to be shallow and uncaring. But this is wrong and evil to take advantage of these people.

----V-----
Suddenly I found myself plunged into darkness. I was standing in what seemed to be a dank and musty cave. The floors were flat and black, and covered with slime. The walls were carved elaborately with high arches of gothic style. The walls rose about 200 feet and at the base of these walls were skulls. Some of the skulls were massive carved stone but most of them were real skulls. Hundreds of thousands of these skulls lined the walls—walls that seemed to wind down into a never-ending tunnel.
A voice rang down from the walls saying that this was the very bottom of the cesspool. The voice told me that it would difficult to see all of this if I had been one of the unfortunate few to sink through the shit. The voice was of the woman. She told me that she had drained it so I could clearly understand what the pool meant and what the bottom signified. “As you can see it would be hard to see the truth of your mortality peering through an abyss of shit.
I blinked and was transported again, to the other pool. This time the pool was filled with water and I was swimming downwards about 30 feet. The misty water had a bluish appearance at this depth. I witnessed a boy swimming about 20 feet below me into the darkness. He was a dark shadow assimilating with the abyss of blackness before him. I blinked again and I was closer to the bottom of the pool. I saw the boy clearly. I witnessed a horrified look on the boy’s face when he saw the skulls at the bottom of this pool. He struggled to swim upwards. Suddenly I became the boy and I realized I did not have enough breath to reach the surface again. As I looked up and saw my last fading glimpse of light above I panicked. I only wanted to see how deep the pool was. I only wanted to know its depth… I was too young to die. I couldn’t believe I was to die like this.

----VI-----
Again I was transported. I found myself back at the bottom of the empty cesspool. I heard a voice again, but I was my own.
“So it seems that you are trying to tell me that all these people are oblivious to their inevitable demise. Though they can choose the purity of the way they live their life they still cannot realize that they will eventually die. A person can choose to swim through clouded water all their life and realize the end when it is too late, or can be blinded by their own worthless shit and never realize that they are destroying themselves or dragging others down.
Are there other choices other than clouded or muddy water?
What is a better choice: to see the end when it is too late to do anything,
or see nothing at all and not care for anything?
Do all swimmers think that they live forever?
Is there a clear pool?
Do I have to choose between these pools?
What if I don’t choose at all?
Why did you show me this?
Do I have to save these people?
Are these people living their lives the wrong way?
What does this all mean when applied to reality?
Why was this knowledge given to me? ”

The Nightmare
part three

----III----

I didn’t really understand what they meant until they opened the door to the poolroom. There were hundreds of people in this room too. Everyone in this room was either a teenager or a young-hearted adult.
I decided to go for a swim, regardless of weather the boys liked it or not. I realized though, that I had forgotten my swimsuit. It didn’t really phase me though because there were a couple of other naked people in the pool. I began to strip when I realized that the people in that pool were not acting normal. They kind of seemed to be in a trance and bobbed in the water and swayed. The water didn’t look very good either it looked a bit cloudy and dirty. I decided that swimming now, at least in this pool would not be a good idea.
I glanced at my comrades. Who contrasted with their black t-shirts with all of the “preps” wearing bright bathing suits. They pointed to a stairway on the left side of the pool. Those stairs lead to a second floor where there was another pool just behind a tile wall.

The Nightmare
Part 2
----II----

Having found nothing else I considered to be worthwhile; And having not found a sign of anyone else in the first building. I crossed the lawn to the other building that lied to the west. It was strange to see that there was not a single soul outside, considering that there were a couple hundred there before I went into the first house. I figured that everyone must be inside of the second building because there was nobody in the first.
The interior of the house on the left, was for the most part, a twin of its counterpart. It had the same broken windows, whitewashed walls and floors carpeted in decaying leaves. I found my mom, and about 300 other adults in this auditorium. They were waiting for a show to start. I asked my mother, when the show would start but she did not know; she didn’t even know what the show was about or if there would even be a show that day.
The auditorium was just as large as the first even with hundreds of middle aged people in it. The place seemed very ominous for a reason I couldn’t quite grasp. Perhaps I though that the enormous fans and ventilation shafts on the ceiling would suck me into them, or that they would fall and crush us all. I was quite anxious to leave that place and go exploring on my own. I left my sister with my mom and struck out alone.
After about an hour of wandering through snaking white washed corridors. I found a room with a couple of scruffy looking teenage boys in it. This too, was an auditorium. It however was a smaller room, with a low ceiling, and sort of looked like some sort of supply closet. There was a small stage with some strange looking band playing on it. It was a creepy show that didn’t make sense at all. All of the performers just walked up and down the stage in flashy clothes or just sitting and staring into space, they didn’t seem very attractive to me with their pretentious acting. The boys didn’t seem very interested in the show either and were playing hack in the back of the room.
I made my presence known to them, with a loud salutation and they stopped what they were doing. I noticed that they all wore black t-shirts and had black or dark brown hair. They seemed to all look almost alike, and move alike, as if they were all brothers. They crowded around me and started talking to me. They told me that they were bored and fed up with all of the stupid people that were hanging around. That everyone that had been walking over the Mansion’s lawns were shallow, inconsiderate preps. They said that they had come to this room because the preps weren’t there, and that there wasn’t anything else in the mansion worth seeing. They were only in this room because there was music and the people in it made it seem less lonely. They said that really wanted to get out and find something better to do though and they asked me to come along with them. I was kind of enchanted with their awkward charm and decided it might be fun to follow them.
I could tell that one of the boys took a particular interest in me, at least I supposed. He kept on glancing at me with fondness and amazement. I kind of thought he was sweet, but didn’t really want to flirt with him. His unwashed, greasy black hair and faded T-shirt were kind of a turn-off. I thought that I’d probably adore him if he bathed. He seemed unique from the rest of the boys, or from anyone I knew, but was much to timid to speak to me.
As the boys and I walked down a wide corridor lighted with fluorescent lights I asked them where everyone went. They seemed a bit annoyed by this question because to them “everyone” meant the people they hated. But they decided to lead me there because maybe they could have fun teasing all the stuck- up people at the pool or maybe they could just cause some random mayhem.

The Nightmare
part one

----I----
I found myself sanding in the middle of two large, red-brick mansions. Both looked very similar in both size, and structure. There were people walking to and form both of the buildings. They appeared to be on vacation; some people were carrying towels or drinks and some were just lounging around. Some of the people I knew and recognized. Most of them however, I did not know.
I decided to explore the premises starting with the building on the right. Shortly after entering the building I found an old woman lying on a hospital bed. It was a strange that a bed would be situated in the building because the interior resembled an early 19th century warehouse or an industrial building.
The old woman appeared to be dying. But I became distracted from her by a clamoring at the back door. The panes of glass in the patio door were shaking. Immediately, I became aware of the perchance of a ghost. I could feel the temperature of the room drop. I could see the faint figure of the old woman. When the old woman’s ghost saw me she began to swirl the dead leaves that littered the stone patio floor.
After our meeting the old woman’s ghost re-entered the house and began kicking a tin can down a dark corridor lined with doors.
I followed the old woman’s ghost until it melted into nothing and I was standing with my sister in front of a wide door. I opened the door and found a colossal auditorium with massive fans and shafts on the ceiling. The walls and ceiling were completely white-washed and the floor was painted a light gray. There was nobody in the room, my sister and I decided to look for my mom and grandmother.
As I walked back up the corridor I thought about the Old Woman’s Ghost and how I had not been afraid of her. It was actually exciting to go on a ghost hunt. It was thrilling to do somthing that any normal person would be afraid to do; but I knew that it was more important to help my sister find mom.
When I re-entered the main hall, I was surprised to see the old woman still there. She was alive and sitting up in bed. Her hair was a gray and frazzled and stood out in many directions. She pointed her finger in the air at some non-existent point. There were some nurses at her side trying to get her to lay back down. I thought it was very strange that I had been chasing the ghost of someone who was not dead. I wondered if the old woman was going to die soon, or if she would decide to live for a few more days.
Before I had turned to leave the house the old woman had lied down again and the clamoring at the patio doors had again commenced.

Went to Odd Fellow's Circus. When me and my posse entered the gates of the Gargoyle Park our lives forever changed...
or uhh.. maybe not. There were a good... 50 people there. The black clad spectators were really getting into the music. They were positively bursting with rythm emotion-- they just stood there in a line, 20 feet from the stage smoking cigarettes. We pretty much did the same until Changing Skins were up. I tried listening to the music but I was entranced by the guy with the blue mohawk, and the guy with the dreds. Our little group got right up to the stage, and we moshed. Yep we all moshed the hell out of each other and other people too. After that we all put our little fists in the air, a tribute to our famylies, and all was well with the world. Blue Mohawk jumped off the stage, along with his orange haired cohort, almost bludgeoning me with his guitar. After their set we were lured to the band's booth so they could persuade us into buying their junk. I got my shoe signed by two of the people in the band. Miek and Jessica got their breasts signed. The lead singer rubbed his blue mohawk on my chin, I feel blessed. The next set was of some band with a bald guy. He rubbed mud on his face, but I don't think he was high. I liked the message of that bands music, but didn't really like the way it sounded. I kind of glazed over the rest of the day. It was kind of crappy out and rained all day. There really weren't many more people coming, they all came at night when we couldn't see their ugly faces. Sylveran had astounding sound for a bunch of middle school kids. The lead singer was only 13 and he fucking screamed like every other lead singer. I find it mildly amusing he drank water out of a gas can. Dog Day Sunrise was either before or after Sylveran and the lead singer sounded like Special Ed from Crank Yankers when he talked. Dog Day Sunrise was the only band I had heard of up to then, but they didn't play any song I knew. Slaves on Dope was the last band of the night. I kinda think they were full of themselves but, eh, what band isn't? I like the fact that we got to chat with most of the bands. I woke up this morning pretty sore, stiff neck. But no terribly painful injuries. I think Katie had a concussion cause she had hit her head and was shivering and stuff, I think she sould have been taken to a doctor. I bet Christa has 203482304980584098 bruises, but she is no worse off than the people she gouged with her spikes. I know I'm gonna get a hella lot of e-mail cause I signed up on every list. I got a free CD with two songs, yahoo! lol

Ah haa haa... a bible story that I didn't learn in Sunday School

King James Version, Second Kings 2:23-24
23: And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up that way, there came forth little children of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; Go up, thou bald head.

24: And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood and tare forty and two children of them.

Extreme Bible Story

You ever think that some people are really fuck ups? (When I say "some people" I mean me. I dunno but I think maybe I've just been disillusioned. I believed that everyone has some redeemable characteristics. But I'm beginning to think that I'm a fuck up. I can't remember a time when I've done somthing right the first time. Its just so odd to me... that everything I can think of points to one indellble fact that I am a screw up. And for some odd reason it all falls upon me now. I guess I have some responsibilities to fulfill as a senior. I have to start on a path to some shining destiny...lol... but I feel mystified as to where I should start and what I should be doing now. (well actually, I know I should be doing my homework but uhh...) Somehow I don't think I can do it by myself. In fact I'm quite afraid of what the future will bring. I know I shouldn't be because fear only breeds more smelly fear. I know that the future can only be better than the past.
Back to what I was saying about fuck ups. I need to do somthing right. I know probably it won't be on the first try but I have too keep on doing it until I get it right. So I might still be a fuck up to some extent, but a fuck up who has done somthing right, somthing good. Thus, having done somthing right, I will have restored my belief that there is somthing redeemable about everyone. If someone as weak and fruitless as me can do somthing right then anyone can.

I'm sorry, but its more like I'm humiliated. I can never help but feel unworthy to stand in anyone's presence, anyone. I even feel that way around you. I try always to be a better person, but I fail so miserably, I'm just so ignorant, on how to make things better for myself, for you. I don't understand how you feel, I don't. I always try to say the right things. I feel guilty sometimes because I fail so often. I just don't know whats going on.

:B skool is fun and I like to go to skool and see my freinds and tlak to thum and they like to talk to me and I do a lot of homwork that I dont like but I like to sit in studee hall and teese the boys and read books and storys and take vokabulare tests.
--Last few days.. um week in a half I am now considered a Senior or as I like to call it Senor in highschool. I don't feel special. All I can see is how far behind I am from everyone. I'm probably the worlds biggest loser. I bet nobody I know can give me a reason why they are a bigger loser than me! I dare you to try! I DARE YOU! AH HAAHAA
But aside from me being a total social outcast I'm swell. I don't have any problems in school aside from the fact that I can't pay attention in class and keep forgetting my homework.
I hear tell I'm being voted Most Artistic... If I am I'll pee my pants with glee. If I'm voted most Autistic, well, that will be cool too.

You are a banana! Good job, captain obvious.


which rejected character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(The Bradford Era, Monday September 1st)
Horoscope
by FRANCES DRAKE

YOU BORN TODAY (Sep. 1st)

You are brave, fearless and passionate. You set high standards for yourself. You take your work very seriously, and you take pride in meeting your deadlines. You are highly conscientious. You often approach life in a very physical manner. You are sexy, romantic and practical. Expect a fun-loving social year ahead. Birthdate of: Edgar Rice Buroughs, Gloria Estefan, Barry Gibb

In this little punk revival thing you cling to bands such as... I dunno.. Good Charlotte.. and as I always say "Good Charlotte is just a bunch of pretentious corporate pop drones." Which means that this band and many like it are only on MTV cause they are puppets of large record lables. The lable controlls their image, songs, and manages the money. The corporations make sure that they make freindly, cute pop, tunes...
Wait a second.. I've never listened to most of their songs.. what the hell am I talking about? I'm just so freaking shallow making judgements like that. But I guess it is important to at least question the integrity of the music I listen to.
Anyway, it all makes me uneasy. First of all I have an idea that all the new popular pop-punk acts are softening the image of the punk into somthing teenage girls want to pin up on their walls and cuddle with. Its a wave that major record lables and the fashon industry rides.. once they soften the image they can sell it to white-middle class America the largest of all consumer groups. Second, it all sucks, I see nothing redeeming.. a wasteland... nothing entertaining or worthwhile...
okay maybe I like the pants with the straps all over ... but uhh... that about it.
I really need to stop I could keep rambling about this crap all night.
I really fucking hate the word punk now and would be content never to type it again.

SLC Punk, quite possibly the saddest movie I have ever seen next to Grave of the Fireflies.
I think much about punkness lately. Cause I seen very many aspects of what its considered to be "punk" especially what with smelly ol Blink 182 and Avril whoring up MTV. Mind you however that their music and images were not my first encounters with what is considered to be "punk". Cause one time when I was 9 I saw a man with a mowhawk in a Tops Supermarket--lol. No really, my first and foremost education of "punk" came from people that were barely "punks" at all. Sorry gotta get this outta the way, it was Chumbawamba. (Yeah they're an archaic pop band and they sold out but thats not relevant to the point I'm trying to make.) I used to browse their web-page all the time and had a bunch of CD's with liner notes. I read practically every surface that they had printed words on. I thought it was pretty damn cool that they didn't sound a bit like the shit played on MTV (I'm not talking about Tubthumper). Anyway, what I had learned was that punks were defiant and always had somthing to say, they listened to the Sex Pistols and said fuck a lot. I got the general impression, though it was rather misguided, that all punks had interest in politics and fucking hated the state of things. So they picket and riot, and boycott.
But after a while I learn that there are several different kinds. The poli- punks, anarchists, poor people, posers, and people who just don't give a fuck about anything. But music is a general uniting factor that makes punks what they are; usually it is played very loud and not in the slightest bit clean or tidy.
I used to think I'd like to be a punk, an anarchist, someone nobody liked. I'd like to scream and yell and rebel and voice my opion. But I'm just weak sauce.."The soup is too thin.." Somtimes I think I would be now, but now that its tre chic! I fucking hate it. Everyone thinks they are a punk or a rocker or just like to dress like one. Its hard to pull out the people with true convictions.. ah but isn't that always the way... I'll just wear my combat boots, kilt and spike collar on the inside. Its always my first initiative to do the opposite of what everyone else is doing anyway.
Well anyway... it doesn't bother me that a person likes to dress like whatever, but it does kind of bother me that so many people are doing it at once. In my opinion, punk is dead. In fact I don't think it ever existed in the first place cause nobody can agree what punkreally is. I dunno what punk was back in its heyday but what I find it to be presently is a bunch of pretentous wankers, and fashon whores, TRYING to be cool. They are always so "POSER! POSER!". But look at me I'm practically screaming "POSER, POSER" myself. I'm just rambling I know..

Lately I've been kind of bothered by the fact that this was a dangling thread from my heart. With a sense of closure my conscience is much less burdened.

------Last Sunset----

How I remember being enraputred by the sunsets rosy haze,
what it was to live and cherish those tender springtime days.

I danced in the Sun's last rays of light that he so lovingly shed on me
I witnessed the shroud of night envelop his face, and felt the warmth of his love recede.

For when the sun decended, into his lush, green hillside bed
he took his warm heart with him and left the night so still and dead.

All the lilies I lay on your grave, cannot convice my soul, mind or eyes;
It is certainly not easy thing to mourn the death of someone so alive.
--------Naya

hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am not: a cheater
I love: to be happy
I hate: doing dishes
I fear: losing control
I hope: that I might be passionate about somthing someday
I hear: the whirr of the CPU, trance song stuck in my head
I crave: mmmm pie
I regret: having not been there
I cry: when pitying my lost soul
I care: about my friends
I always: forget what I'm talking about in the middle of a sentence
I believe: whatever I want to believe when I want to believe it
I feel: pretty good
I listen: when people talk to me
I hide: nothing, I have no secrets =(
I drive: myself crazy (not a long drive)
I sing: very loudly
I dance: to the rythm in my head
I write: on my celing, lugubrious poetry
I play: Tetris, the kazoo, Bon's Spongebob clock
I miss: talking to people
I search: for scraps of food
I learn: from videogames, reading, from other people but apparently not from experience..
I know: a bunch of useless things, just ask me about anything!
I say: "AH HAA HAA" when cracking very stupid jokes
I succeed: at avoiding success!
I dream: of a clean house, clear conscience, and love
I wonder: how am I going to be able to survive on my own?
I want: lunch..
I have: treasure
I give: what I can when I have somthing to give
I fell: in love? it seems always to me that I take a step up
I fight:"I am Sailor Moon, I will right wrongs and punish evil, and that means YOU!"
I need: a hug

I had this dream where I was pulling wire coat hangars, hair pins and twenty dollar bills out of my nose. It was a pretty strange and random ability but during post-apocalypic times up is down black is white and everything you know is WRONG. So anyway, everyone in the world was pretty much dead except for me and a few other punks. I needed a weapon to protect me cause everyone that was alive was either crazy or was obsessed with fighting over turf; I needed to protect myself. So I asked Bob to If I could borrow one of the machete that he displays in his glass table ( I knew I should have just stolen it). He told me that I would have to give him $19.00 to keep it. (God, it is so like bob to think of money before the safety of his beloved family. What purpose does money have when the world has ended anyway?) I just tossed him a $20 bill that I had pulled out of my nose earlier in the day. I grabbed my duffle bag, my machete and my belt with the grommets and went on my merry way.

Last night I had a dream that I was on an important mission to travel to the deep-south. I was riding a tricycle with a motor and my sister was sitting on the back. We were doing 80 on the interstate when I found I had forgotten where I was going. So I pulled off in some field to find directions. There was this creepy old guy that told us that there was a gas station down some dark and winding road in the forest. I knew he was a creep cause of the way he combed his hair. I knew I spotted the real gas station in the other direction so I hopped back on my tricycle and sped away. In the same field, ( It was a big field)I saw some tourist couple they had a map with boats on it. They told us that we were in Shippingsburgh, not to be confused with Shippingborough. It seemed I had traveled south but had only traveled halfway downstate. I thought that was pretty good for a tricycle and decided to go home. But my tricycle broke down and some stupid people stole the wheels =(

Power was out. There was a tremendous storm which brought sudden heavy dounpours and great gusts of wind.
I hear tell there was a Tornady in these here parts. I reckon their was on account of I dun saw a limb ripped off of Ol' Man Sprouses maple tree.
It seemed as if a great super natural hand was doing mother natures pruning. After the storm passed I surveyed the carnage and found the neighborhood in a state of disarray.
There were trees snapped in half, and broken limbs littering the streets and lawns. There were also telephone poles that bent over the roadway at precarious angle.

This weekend... was very long. Went and visited Rochester Institue of Technology. Nerd Central. I got lost a lot cause I have a horrible sense of direction. I went swimming in the pool got ice cream. Followed a jesus looking guy around. Went and learned about medical illustration. It was a fruitful experience. Kind of lonely though...
Today I went to a flea marked. I got two anime videos, and a ryoko action figure... crazy considering that I usually expect to find antiques and worn out junk at flea markets. Though I guess you could consider a ryoko figure and anime from the 80's useless worn out junk.

Today Christa was talkin on the phone (big surprise) with Miek.
But I didn't know that at first. Cause she called him "Mikey"and I know more than one Mikey.
I'm all like "Mikey who? Mikey what"
Christa is like "Mikey, you know Mikey" "Mikey Mike Mike MIkEY"
Me: "Hello...uhh Mikey, Who WHAT? WHAT MIKEY ARE YOU!?!?!?" "WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? pILLS!!?"
YES i NEED PiLLS!! YOUR GONNA come back and give me pills?! Come back? I didn't know you were gone?
Oh wait a second.... (recognizes his voice)
That Mikey... I miss him

:: how nintendo are you? ::

I've collected all 100 of the different cards on ff9. I have invested so much time in my frivolous, imaginary empire-- about 106 hours. I feel very alone sometimes, but the game numbs the aching throb, it blinds me of staring into an empty fruitless void. I wonder what I'd be doing if I didn't play games? But then I think they are good for me because I think if I didn't play I'd be vandalizing, having sex and stealing-- or worst of all: Going to Church! I'd rather not think about it because the only conclusion would be that I am wasting my time playing games. But where are my friends? Where am I? What can I do?
What should I be doing? I just don't know. Maybe games are my life.

The Jackal


What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
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I just got back from a week camping at Hammond lake. Wow, was it exciting. It rained, I forgot my swimsuit, the tent leaked, and the boat broke. Worst of all there were no hot men. Just Mullets.
Don't get me wrong I did have a good time. Cause it was sunny shiny and I kind of got a tan.. I went kayaking, and I sat around and was lazy and I saw a movie with a hot but very strange pirate in it. I got plenty of fresh air. I saw pretty sunsets and listened to good music. Food was abundant and generously prepaired.
There wasn't much activity at the lake though.
I've reached a new level of boredom... now what do the Buhddists call it.. umm..
Enlightenment! Thats it!

Random Naya-ism:

If you make a silly mistake and embarass yourself trying out somthing new, and decide never again to participate in that activity again, you will be remembered by others involved for the mistake that you made. You just have to keep trying sometimes...

You are quina You love food, it's one of the most important forces in your life. When you are hungry, you may seem very scary to others O_O

take this quiz!

Quina is the best FF character next to Sephiroth. Quina really kicks ass! SO THERE!
--are ya happy now?
I so happy

Final Fantasy IX
Final Fantasy IX was a pretty damn good game. Its kinda sad that I played it now that its an antique but I don't think I could have appreciated it as much when I was a little younger.
I liked seeing all the old stuff from the earlier games in FFIX, like black mages, and the summons, and I got a namigway card. Though the Chocobo said "Kweh" instead of "wark" I still liked them.
I especially enjoyed the frienship that kept all of the characters together and the lessons they all learned at the end.
They learned how to live life and enjoy life and hot to make it better for others. All from that monkey-tailed theif!
I'm a sucker for happy endings.

I'm having a great summer. I'm doing absolutely nothing. I play video games all day. I go swimming. I eat. I do computer things.
I like that I don't really have any deep reflections on my days. I like not being surrounded by annoying peolple like I am at school.
It kind of bothers me though, that my days are so empty of substance.

I spent the whole day with Bon and Christa.
Then I was silly enought to say "durr I am like soo unfruitful, I did nothing all day and have nothing to show for it."
Then Bon says: "But Naya you have shown your love and kidness to me all day." and Christa says I'm appreciate too.
I'm glad I'm appreciated.

I hear some people say that I need some self-esteem, that I need to be more confident in myself. I won't deny that, not at all!
But I figure if I have the bravery to divulge my most brilliantly obvious flaws on my blog every day, and not feel a bit sorry, I must have some some self-esteem. I'm saying that I'm confident to tell the whole world that I'm a lonely loser, a social outcast, I need therapy, I need a hug, or I'm lazy and irresponsible, and It doesn't make me think any less of myself. I'm confident enough to be honest with myself. So I must have some self-esteem. What I really think I need is, discipine, to keep me from slagging off all day, and some shame, so I don't feel it good enough to be flaky and undependable all the time. Most of all I need motivation. I need somthing to get my ass moving and my head thinking.

I went to sleep at approximately 5:30 yesterday afternoon and slept until 10:30 this morning. Thats about 18 hours of sleep more or less.
Thats double what a person is supposed to get in a day. It astounds me that I could ever sleep so much. Its good that I didn't miss anything, at least I think I didn't.
I guess I've discovered a new talent, I am very good at sleeping. I'm also getting pretty good at staying up until 4:30 in the morning, but thats all over for the year.
I'm so multitalented, I can sleep and play videogames, and ramble on about the stupidist aspects of my uneventful life. I'm real college material!

I'm sure you all have taken a health class sometime in your life.
You know, the ones where they teach you about sex and reproductive systems.
Anyway, It bugs me when I hear the redundant cliche "Abstinence is the safest sex" or "No sex is the safest sex."
:B What the hell are they trying to tell us. What retard decided to tell us that crap.
If its not sex then its not sex. Argh..

I feel lamenty tonight. I keep thinking about the poor fellas that put up with my crap (were in love with me). It was always those guys who got the bad end of the deal. I have a way of making everyone within 50 feet of me miserable or silent. I notice that when my friends are all together havin fun, laughing, in the other room, I walk in and I suck all the life out of the room. I don't even say anything. When I'm around people I don't usually hang out with, they get a little uneasy. They say "this is like, so weird were all so silent." I'm the only silent one. Why are people so afraid of silence? Am I so strange because I can't prattle on about the most mundane aspects of my day?
Today, in the lunchiline I was saying to Angela that it is totally immature and sad when people have to determine their self worth by what their boyfriends think of them. Yet, I still wish I had someone. Not because I want to determine my self-worth and say "oh like I am soo much better tahn yuo cuz I can get sum an yuo cnat". But to affirm that I actually exist. Sometimes I feel like a figment of everyones twisted imagination, that they repress and ignore. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and not be afraid of my silence, or afraid of what I can say when I say it. I want somone to touch, somone who feels the same way I do. I want someone who would actually try to take my advice for once, just once.
It is so sad, I feel like a ghost. I also feel pitied. I hate pity, pity is for losers..
I must have lost a lot.
It hurts me that the person I adore can only feel enough for me to extend pity. The same pity he extends to people worse off than me.

red roses
wine
silk
shine shine like diamonds
candles flicker
pulse moves quicker
sunset beach
silver moon
in your arms i swoon
poetry
Just love for loves sake
pretty words and no content
another happy routine..

--> Pr0m
Tonight I went to Prom. Everybody was so pretty. People said I "looked good" and "wow you cut your hair short". I danced a little bit with Jizzamie Fry and Erin Farrar and Maggie Gaberseck 'cause I'm cool and have lots of friends. My shoes hurt my feet. I should have put my hair up, but that would make me the same as the preppy people and I don't want that. The decorating was astounding It didn't look like the Elementary school.
Before I went to prom I went to Erway's with Jamie and Hillary, and Elizabeth and her man-slave Larry. I had a shrimp dinner, and Jamie had a grilled-cheese sammich. Everyone stared at us because we were dressed all fancy to eat at Erways. Doesn't everyone wear gowns and high heels to Erway's?
Anyway I went to prom and there were fancy dressed people. Ryan Dunn is and idiot, he said-- and I quote: "hubba hubba" to me.
I danced mostly to disco songs, not that I really thought about it, I just did.
And then you ask did you dance with anyone?".
Yep. I danced with Greg. Man, he sure likes to talk. He asked me how I liked the prom, and I said it was alright. He asked me what my favorite part was-- and me being the dork I am said, "dancing with you" . I throughly enjoyed the experience. Except for the fact that he probably wouldn't have danced with me if Alyissa hadn't told him to. Well, I don't actually know, I just assume... I'm not gonna linger on that.
After Pr0m I came home and Bon was waiting for me. She told me of my every flaw, nobody put coverup on your back, woah your not wearing a bra I can tell, you didn't curl your hair or did you,you have a sparkle on your eyelid and a black thing on your forehead, your face looks oily. Thanks Bon, I looked like a retard the whole time.
I'm currently lounging in my prom dress. I don't feel special and I don't feel stupid. I'm just here.

Comrades! I know there are a few gamers out there who frequently read my little ranty-poohs, and I know that you have bloggies of your own. I have stumbled upon this organization of evil mutant bitch soccer moms. I hope it will fuel a conflagration (real big fire) of brilliant rants.
MAVAV
Cause those video games are givin' todays youth the crazies.
I'd rant about it all but I have too much homework to do now.
I WANNA HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!
and click here for a moment of
ZEN

Oooh, looks like someone had a bad day today. I came home to hear metallica blasting on the stereo. I sit down to check my blogs, and Buster gets all wound up becouse he has to go outside and chew on grass or chase a squirrel. I tell Bob to take the dog out he says "You never do anything around here" with all of the fury of complete unforgivable hatred in his eyes.
I laugh at him, yeah, I know I never do anything around here. But why should I, surrounded by people who don't care. Anyway, it seems that its always our fault, but not bob's. He lives here too, but "oh it always gets ruined". He does as little around here as any of us do. But he is such a special boy for cutting the grass!
Grass never grows back........
I do the dishes, do the laundry and pick up just as much as he does anything!
Bon, and Mum and I are the only filthy people who use dishes or wears clothing!
you understand?
ITS CALLED MAINTENENCE YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK!
YOU HAVE TO CLEAN EVERYDAY!
grass grows, dishes get dirty, socks get smelly, the dog needs walked EVERY DAMN DAY!
praise you golden child, well follow in your example and do the big projects first!
Lets rearrange the furniture with the cups and glasses on the tables, and the newspapers on the floors...
The point is that if you aren't part of the solution then you are part of the problem.
If you can't do the maintenence then you don't deserve to yell at anyone about what they lack!
poor bob.... so angsty... its hard when you cant live up to that ideal, but false concept of white, upper-middle class living! poor bob, without a white picket fence, without a golden retriever, without a nice car, or nice american eagle clothes. Without a perky soccer mom, or football dad, or cheerleader girlfriend... poor bob...
life is just not Disney..

Hey Ang, I finally fixed the link, and I blogged,
I'm really on a roll now!


I'm just a cool person. People like me.


Why do people read your Livejournal?
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Woo, I know some people that have maturity issues. I hear them say, "Jesus, stop that, grow up and act more mature."
Well, well, well, --yes father dear!
But you see, there is where the problem is--" act more mature". Holy fahzoli, because It takes more than wearing adult clothes, ("get a haircut and get a real job"), and not participating in "juvenile" activities, like dancing, or listening to that darn rap music. I know you know that some of the most mature people are the most stupid. I know you have to sit through classes with a few preps. They dress more mature, and do lots of homework and go to cheerleading or football practice, but really a great deal of preps are just as bigoted, prejudiced, potty mouthed as any of us losers.
What I'm trying to say here is that you need to think mature to be mature. You need to think and act to be mature. If thinking and acting aren't completely assimilated you immaturity will shine through either in the way you think or talk to people or in the way you act.
Example #1: If you think that jewish people are "fucking gay" you might call people "fucking jews" to insult them. I know perfectly "mature" people have a tendency to do this. I know you have a right to say and think what you want but I think that it can be agreed upon by virtually anyone that making prejudgements about people and things that you don't know is pretty damn immature and pretty damn stupid.
The bottom line is if you are extremely intent on being mature you really need to think about what the fuck you are doing, and how it can be seen from other people's eyes.

laest nite i wnet 2 teh dawnce and i had Sooo much fun withe my boyfirend But Scool sux becos i am soo smarte and evreyone is inmatture Gawd i got liek a hunderd points and evrone was liek duh I'm so freekin inmatture I am sooo glade that I am so matture lastnight i had adream where evrone hats meh and i die doze everone hate me god y does thes shit alwas hapun to me i wish that everone would juste growe up or die coz im guna braek up wtith my boyfreind coz he is liek god she ia hott and id fuk that but thean id hav liek no life adn nobudy wood liek me soo i wuold hav to go an proof theat I am soo matture and id beet his face in

you ever have those days where all you feel like doing is staring into space and drooling..

Wahhh!! I'll never see Christa again! Ragnarock online ate her.

As I see it there are three meanings to the phrase "This life".

--Number one is "This life" referring to the years an individual lives through and encounters.
Like an object that belongs to that particular person alone.
"This life is crazy and sad..."

Also, it is the way a person lives.

"The drugs have stolen all I hold precious to me, this life is leading me on the road to destruction."

--Number two is "This life" referring to the existance on "This Spiritual Plane".
"This life will soon be over,"
as life is somthing to be completed so you can visit another level.
"This life is for serving our lord, the next life is for basking in the rays of his glory"

--The third is "This life" as a process everyone and everything shares.
It would probably be more sensible to say "Life" rather that "This Life".

When you are talking to someone, or leaving a suicide note it would be appreciated by the living if you would please specify what you mean by "This Life." For that phrase, like life itself, has many different facets. If you would be so kind as to describe, the living could change the shit of the world into somthing positive, and make life better for those who have not given up.

There are those who talk as if they are dead. They leave their notes saying why this life is so fucked up-- unbearable. They do not say why or how. If it is their life that is unbearble, if it is that the binds that hold them to their lord is unbearable, or if it is the burdens of the world are unbearable.
What I mean when I say they are dead means they know there are things that need to be changed but they never do anything. ....mrrrph.. broke my chain of thought here...
--I think sometimes that those who wish they were dead the most, really want to be alive the most.
I personally believe that the process of life is experienced through change.
I believe through experience that changing things for the better is the best way to feel alive.
Think about it, have you ever felt more alive that when you experienced a great change in your life?
Like getting a new boyfriend, or new friends or a brand new car or finally making the choice to live a healthy life. Maybe joining a new religion, or finally following your new years resolution will perk up your life. Maybe you can go to counciling or confide in someone.

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
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Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
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The dance sucked, as dances usually do.
I figure there is two ways to look at a dance: grabass perspective, dance perspective.
Some people don't have fun when they don't have their boyfriend to fondle and to be fondled by.
Some people don't have fun when the songs suck and they can't dance.
To measure last nights dance on the grabassocity and the dancosity scale from my perspective:
It sucked. which means I didn't have kinky alien sex with anyone in the corner, and I didn't dance.
Everyone else seems to have had a good time. O_O;;
----------------------------
Well how could I have fun, dances just aren't my place. All I can think about is drawing and writing.
Additionally, I feel that I am the only person who knows the true reality that dances are pointless, and fake, and its just a bunch of little white 7th graders shuffling to that darn rap music!
Seriously, I'm not going to anymore dances except the end of the year dance. Its pointless for me to dance all by myself, or sit in the corner and have nobody to talk to. It just makes me kind of ill observe the divisiveness of everybodys stuck up cliques. I also dispise the little dance circles that form so tightly I can't get in. Everyone just turns their back to me and when I tell them to move its like "you weren't invited".
Also, what is with you people who cluster so tight against the wall and shuffle like the little 7th graders?God damn. There is a whole dance floor and nobody cares that you dance like a fucktard. ITS A DANCE, NOT A CLUSTER FUCK! Its so convieniant when I set my drink down and everyone starts clustering in front of it. So when I come back I have to push people out of the way, then they all cluster again and then someone farts. I grab my drink hold my breath and push through them but they don't even notice me even though I'm punching them and pushing. But then they step on my feet, they don't notice that either... what a rant this has turned out to be....
I HATE YOUR GODDAMNED CLUSTERS! YOOOOOUR GODDAMNED CLUSTERS, O THE CLUSTERS! I WILL DESTROY THE CLUSTERS!!


Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks
about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty,
right?


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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I didn't rant about the beach. I'm so lazy.
The beach was lovely. The most lovely fact was that it was sunny and warm there and everyone back home was enjoying cold, grey weather. Buring myself in the sand was fun. I also enjoyed the fact that there was absolutely nothing on my mind. Nothing to think about, not school, not the stupid things people do, not even on guys. I just lay on the beach and let my mind atrophy.
I also enjoyed going out to eat. I love buffets.
The seafood buffet was funny cause the people who worked there had to be uber friendly.
There are about a hundred seafood buffets in myrtle beach and the people had to be nice or they would go out of business. I bet one of those waiters would poke themselves in the eye with a straw if you told them to.
I've never seen so many fake blondes in my life, save for the time I went into Abercrombe and Fitch. Anyway, every girl there looked the same. They looked like bacon with blonde highlights. Every guy looked the same too, they all wore wifebeaters, and wore their hats backward.
I met some cool people at the beach though. They liked ride elevators and skimboard and cause anarchy at the hotels. We hung out in the ballroom at the top of the hilton.
We found this guy wearing A teenage mutant ninga turtels t-shirt. He like to play mario games.
This lil 11 year old who liked to smoke, pissed off a balcony at the Hilton. He pissed on himself a little too.

....It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me, to go through all the things that I wanna be.
I don't believe in everything that I see, you know I'm blind so why do you disagree?
These are crazy days but they make me shine. Time keeps rollin' by...-Oasis.

------It's Springtime Again-----
I feel like reflecting on last spring and comparing with this year...

--I just got done playing 3 hours of FFII, boring as hell but I still think I could have played it 3 more hours. Gotta feed my addiction. I'm trying to finish what I started last year around this time.
--I like Grigore Elko, he is a ever flowing spring of entertainment. Except when he talks about tests or studying. Blah. I don't have a crush on him anymore. I don't know why, oh well I'm still fond of him.
--But I do still have a crush on my silly internet friend, Joey. I wonder what the hell happened to him. He's probably married and had three children since the last time I've seen him. I'm probably forgotten, oh well. Man, I loved that guy...
--I still listen to coldplay, I was entranced with the first CD last year and now their new one this year.
Its really...super.
--Last year I was "going out" with someone.. I still feel really bad what I did, and didn't do to him. God that guy was such a nice guy, and I neglected him. I guess I wasn't emotionally mature... or somthing. I wish I could of explained it, but I couldn't find the words. I'm still not very mature, but I'm trying now, trying to be mature. Anyway, I still feel guilty, because I didn't tell him how I felt-- that idea keeps me feeling alienated from this person.
I just want him to know how sorry I am, and how it still bugs me. Then again, If it didn't work out it didn't work out, forgiven and forgotten and all that nonsense...
--I don't gaze at the sunsets as much as I used to, because they still remind me of my friend. It feels lonely to watch it alone, but what can I do?
I used to watch them alone and thats just what I'll do now.

myarph... I walked down to the playground, and went swing swing on the swing, and after about 15 seconds, I'd get nauseous. I used to be able to go hours swinging.
I just can't handle that excessive physical exertion.

-----The Bible of Corruption---
Lesson 1.
The Book of Shallow verse:1-2

I judge my self worth by what my boyfriend thinks of me.
I must be a better person because I have a boyfriend.

Everyone that surrounds me reflects what I think of myself.
If they don't reflect well on me then they must be losers.

Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.

God, dances are so stupid. All the drama in the world happens there, and It shouldn't because its a happy-dance-dance nice place except for the fucktards that screw everything up. I think perhaps it is the only place some of the fucktards ever get together. How bout, if you have beef with someone you settle it in school, or at lunch, somewhere when a catfight- or rumble would be quite appreciated.
-------okay so this topic has been covered a million times, and nobody reads my blog anyway so I guess telling you this was fruitless-------

My blog is sad. No, he really is!
my blog needs a hug.
*hug*

Yesterday, I went to my lovely little interview for the governor's school. It was the most stressful and nerve wracking event that I can remember ever having.
I can't explain how well the interview went because I felt so nervous and sick. I can't explain how well the drawing assignment went either, I think my drawing lacked perspective and dimension, not to mention creativity. But I can't say that I'm a very good judge of that. My emotions on the subject are quite mixed, I feel as if my artwork didn't measure up to everyone elses, but I felt like it was a plus that mine seemed different, and came from a different perspective. I didn't really have the time to look at everyones work so I really don't know. I just feel uncertain about the whole thing, like being cast away at sea with no direction. So I'm quite eager to forget the whole thing, the interview and gonvernors school like it never happened. I'll probably look into other things I can do this summer, just in case I don't make it.

----memoir of a long time game player---
Now that I think about it..If memory serves me right--though it doesn't often.
My SNES has been a good childhood companion as well. Especially before Christa was my friend.
I didn't have any good friends when I was a little kid. For resons beyond my control and personal preference I was alienated form the rest of the people my age.
I really can't remember how much I played games, maybe I played very little, and maybe I didn't play much at all. But I do remember playing to keep my mind occupied from things that made me miserable.
Now that I think of It I have spent an ungodly amount of time playing. While other kids would go to soccer, volleyball and basketball practice, I sat and played Mario.
Mario Paint, Mario Kart, Super Mario Land, Dr. Mario, Super Mario RPG and Yoshi's Island Super Mario All Stars with: Super Mario, Super Mario: The lost Levels and Super Mario 2 and 3. were all games I spent substantial time playing--- I mean days and days for each game.
I also conqured Donkey Kong Country, DK2 and Batman Returns. I've also attempted the mindnumblingly retarded Tom and Jerry and my sisters game Mario Teaches Numbers. I've mastered Tetris and Tetris 2, Yoshi's Cookie and Uniracers. I Kicked Giygas ass in Earthbound, I trashed Smithy in Super Mario RPG, and "Woke The Sleeper" in Zelda ( with the help of Xa's Gameboy Super adapter) and after 45 hours of gameplay I'm almost ready to conclude FFII.
... Thats alotta freakin game play!! Not to mention the weekends I've laid to waste with rented games: Mario's Time Machine, Star Fox, DK3, Clay Fighters, Clay Fighters 2, Earthworm Jim, Earthworm Jim 2, Ren and Stimpy, Aladdin, Bubsy Bobcat 2, Tiny Toon Adventures, The Lion King, and 7up cool spot.
Jesus! Now that I've seen how many games I've listed, I see that I've wasted my entire misguided childhood playing games!
------------ And Thats Just My SNES experience!---
I could ramble on and on about my Playstation. Especially the time I spent on the Tomb Raider ( I, II, III and IIII), and Crash Bandicoot series (I, II, III). Woo! and LunarSSS, and like 50 hours on Alundra, and those precious moments with Namco Museum with classic arcade games like: Galaga, Pac-Man, Toypop, Pole Position, Rally-X, New Rally X and Bosconian.I've also spent a substantial time on Jet Moto, and Oddworld and the frustrations of FFVII. I'm Currently playing FFIX
---------------------------------------------
I've even played The SNES rom on the computer, I've laid wast to perfectly good summer days by playing Salor Moon R, Zelda and The impossibly adorable Kirby's Dream World.
-------------------------------------------
I've played Old School NES, Batman, Snake Rattle and Roll, and the holy trinity: Super Mario Bros, Tetris and Super Mario Bros. 3.
----God I've spent damn near 3/4 of my life up to this point playing games!!!!!!!
It's either an addiction, a hobby, or the essential lifeblood that flows through my veins.
Or I'm just a nut, whatever....

I wish I had a good guy, someone that I mean the world to--someone who would mean the world to me.
Yesterday, I became so fluffy and sentimental--gazing at the faded, medium-rare sunset. The wind smelled like spring and the night was mild and calm. I heard the voices of the spring peepers down in the swamp.
The experience triggered faint emotions, reflections of silly mawkish sentiments of a year ago.. still... It made me sad.
I miss my silly internet friend...

...I.. I woke up this morning...I..squinted out..out... the window and to my dismay..
everything white, everything white...
Covered in spite and evil in powdered form..
O! THE RELENTLESS ASSAULTS UPON THE HOPEFULNESS AND VITALITY OF MY SOUL
BY THAT VILE, SMOTHERING, MALEVOLENT, THING THAT THEY CALL SNOW!

I'm now a compulsive blog reader....
I check blogs then check them again because I dun remember that I did it.
Its pretty sad because no one updates often anymore...
YAWN

I'm a Loser
someday though I'd like to say, I'm not a Loser, I tried! I'm a Failure!!

I'm glad I don't have any insignificant other to snivel about all damn day.
Yeah, my life is so empty...(you'll see that without a neglectful boyfriend I have plenty to whine about)
I'm not lonely though, I have my homeworks to keep me company.
I'm gonna be forming an even closer relationship with my school books as soon as my momma finds I'm failing sociology.
I think I'm probably gonna be bitchy the next couple of weeks, have a lot of guilt and a lot of stress and shame.
I know I'll be patronized and degraded by the resident hobo, and bob.
....and when they ask me, "what the hell is wrong?-- why do my grades suck ass?.
God, I don't know what to say. I hate excuses, I don't believe in them, nothing is good enough to say.
Was I tired?-yes-verymuch so.
Burdened with other work--yes. I was preoccupied witha few insubstantial things that any well adjusted 11th grade student should be able to handle.
Lazy? I still can't determine if it was lazy. I know I procrastinated but I did work on the assignments I turned in.. yet..
yeah I'm lazy, but I firmly believe that I cannot write.
I can't write your stupid five pages of forgettable bull-shit.
I cannot, for the life of me, compose a paragraph of 5-7 sentences that convey complete thoughts, or focus on a single topic.
The Stupid things: conformity of language, stringent verbal constipation...... When It comes down to it, I really can't write things I don't care about.
I don't care about anything so how can I write?

I have no job, no extracirricular activities, not involved with any substantial social organization,don't do housework, have very few friends, and I'm not brilliant and my parents aren't rich.
Missing everything that would--for those lovely average people-- make my life "worth living" everything that would make me succesful.

A loser and outcast for life.

I find it very sad that I don't know how to make my life better...

I need to turn myself around. I keep on feeling like I owe it to myself to do well. But I just can't keep myself going.
I feel like I need to make a change in the world. Where the hell am I gonna start?
I can't make a change at home, what makes me thing I can do anything anywhere else.
I need to start my junior project soon... err NOW.. so uh, someone remind me to do that so I don't fail this year.
There are so many problems, so many stupid things clogging my mind, all terrible burdens that I can't say, I can't burden you with.
so many things I want to do, but I'm paralyzed with fear.
---The bottom line here is that I'm lazy, and distracted.

My worst fear in life is ending up living in this town the rest of my life, as a cashier at costa's and married to some fucking shit hobo...
So why the fuck am I not doing anything? Why?
--------------count the times I say "Its time for change"
Just how long will it take me to do it?

Salute Your Shorts! You enjoy camping out with yer
buddies and playing tricks on your camp
counselors. Watch out for Zeek the Plumber


What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! Be the first kid on your block to download an anti-war protest song!
Bloody Anarchists, Those Damn Anarchists!
How I love them so!

Long ago coronations (crowning) of rulers was a huge, like really huge thing. People back in the day believed that their rulers were chosen by god and and "divine right" to the throne. On these exciting days, the rich and cleanly went to the local church or the palace to witness God's hand placing the responsibility of running the country on the new king or queen. Nobody had any beef with it. It was accepted that God's plan would work through the new ruler of the land.
---------But what about Burger King?
Was this mighty sovereign of hamburgdom ever coronated? Wouldn't it be silly if Burger King just waltzed around claming to be God's right hand patty flippin man but was not really a king at all? But what if Burger King was in fact the Primary Crowned Head of Burger?
If Burger King is in fact king, why is this Lord-and-Father-of-Fattening-Fast-foods serving us insted of us serving him?
--- Was that Jesus himself who asked "do you want fries with that?"

Today I went to the Galleria mall in Buffalo. Its a very big mall, and It has fancy lower upperclass stores. I love hot topic, but I'm kind of disenchanted with it all because I believe that Its just tapped into the mainstream too much. Theres just so much fad crap there... whatever-- not that important. Today, I have seen the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life. In fact, just about everyone there was beautiful, save for me. I was the only person in the whole mall wearing a frumpy grey sweatshirt with no print. But for once in my life I didn't feel like an ant. Everyone wore black leather coats, and had fake blonde highlight hair--especially in Abercrombie and Fitch--never seen so many in one place in my life!!!! Me and xa were wandering around like morons. I stare in awe at everything, like I've never seen a sixty-dollar tank top in my life. I took the time to look down from the second floor upon the ants that walk beneath me. Are they really people? there are so many of them, they all look the same, dress the same, and all look like they know where they are going. I probably didn't look like I knew where I was going because I was enraptured by the shinyness, tha newness of all the fancy merchandise-- I looked everywhere at everything, in every direction at every person. God, Ive been cooped up in this little hick town for so long.. But being at the mall made me feel good to be different for once. It sounds so stupid, but I seemed to be the only one at the mall who would laugh, question the price of goods poor childeren sow up in sweatshops in third world countries, point and stare. All the little ants, march to abercrombie, all the little ants march to hot topic, all the little ants march to aeropastle.......Naya the giant grey cloud rambles to the far end, and to the near end and to the rear end of the mall.
you cannot hold a candle to my conflagration of blazing insanity!

You're too tired to be bothered with smiling,but
you're too nice to be really mean when people
are annoying you.You look tired,but you at
least try to seem happy.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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My friends are everything to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they mean the same to you.
Its an understatement to say that my family life is not too strong. So I rely on you as a supplement or a surrogate of a family.
I know I can talk to you, and you will understand.
It hurts me though to hear you say that you have nothing left. I know how hard it is to deal with thoughts, and feelings and all the crap that scrambles your mind--But I'd like to think that you had me, at least, to depend on. That probably sounds selfish, or egotistal or somthin but I've always thought that It goes both ways. That you would be here for me. But to think that you don't even consider me.. feels kind of like betrayal. I'm not talking about any specific person beacause I've felt this way a couple times, especially with my good friend Chris.
It also hurts to hear-- to see that you are in pain. I'd like to be able to do anything I can for you. It would ease my mind to do somthing, no matter how small. But if you don't want to share, I'll respect that, I guess thats somthing I can do.
Another thing that is quite irksome is when friends (or-so called friends) are backstabbing each other, or just being selfish and inconsiderate.
You are my oasis from all of the shittly people and the things they do. I can't stand it when they do such stupid things: "oh your so stupid you got like a 90% on your english test while I got a 100%, don't you ever study?" Or how about this one " OMG you hang out with XXXXX.. god he is gay, you must be too." or " Jesus, she is one gigantic tub-o-lard and still likes YuGiOh, god, why doesn't she watch real anime"and "what a poser.." -- (perhaps not good examples but you understand.)

-----------I've been taking so much time to write this I kind of uh..forgot what I was trying to say.. well anyway there is only one real important thing I have to say.
I love you all very much. ---Fluffy, yeah, but true.

You are Auron. Wo0t.


Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
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Here's a charming little folk song that I'm sure most of you have learned during your horribly misguided childhood.

First you're sick and then you're worse
And then it's time to call the hearse...

Don't you laugh when a hearse goes by
for you may be the next to die.
They wrap you in a big white sheet
that covers you from head to feet.
They put you in a big black box,
and cover you with dirt and rocks.
And all goes well for about a week,
and then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
the worms play pinochle in your snout.
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
One of the worms that's not so shy,
Crawls in your liver and out one eye.
They call their friends and their friends' friends, too,
They'll make a horrid mess of you!
Your stomach turns a slimy green
and puss squirts out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread,
that's what you eat when you are dead.

...Your eyes fall out, your teeth decay
A rotten end to a lovely day!

Find your Realm of Influence at SailorOrion.com



Such a lovely day... I wanted to strip naked and run through the fields. I would have too, but I got sleepy and crashed on the couch, with visions of nuclear war in my head. Such lovely, lovely, days--these days of American Freedom and Justice, patriots, war hawks, glory, bombings, God..
I hope all the nasty war making people just die-- just kill themselves off. And leave me and people like me who are too stupid to make war- opression, crime, and mass-murder, and too intelligent to get involved in war, opression, crime and mass-murder.
I just want peace, weather warm enough to run around half naked, and love. Yeah that'd be nice..

I'm your friend, whats this"something else i have created around me" stuff?
Ah, I'm a figment of your imagination? Well you could just as easily be a figment of mine.
I digress-- I'm being silly...
I understand this whole, haunting, undead childhood memories thing--such a pain.
Its not funny, but it causes me to look at pain, and sadness in such a twisted way, It makes me laugh. Thats how I keep my sanity, I just laugh...
I remember reading somewhere this lady said somthing along the lines of: "Its hard to develop a personality when you have to keep remembering to forget." You have to stray away from your own imagination because of what nasty little things haunt it. Its hard to stay true to yourself when you have to deny everything else around you and everything that reminds you of somthing awful...----I don't know exactly how that all went but maybe you can formulate some vague Idea of what I'm talking about. The first quote is exact though, I think its most important. Anyway, this lady is a successful cartoonist, in spite of the horrible things that plagued her mind.
What I'm trying to say here I guess is to look for somthing better. I'm trying to look forward to the future, because it must be better than whats behind me, at least its somthing to hope for.
You can also be constructive with the shit that was thrown your way. I use my experiences to try and help people no matter how boring and confusing I think my advice may be. I also put all of my good thoughts on paper so I have somthing to look at to remember good things.
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I just think I sound sooooo fluffy.. myarrr.
If anyone has troubles you can talk to me. Just like I'd like to talk to you. Yeah, we can trade troubles like baseball cards.

YAY! This was the best weekend ever (if the best means extremely boring)! What is it that is missing from my empty little life?
Oh well, no time to think about that, its time to draw draw draw!

Today I went to thrift shops and an antique shop and I got two scarves.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the night drawing, and drawing and drawing.....
I have no life --not that I'm complaining.

Vampire Goth -- Perhaps the closest to the
"lolo goth," you are morbid and
dreary. You like to make people feel
uncomfortable around you, and you're happiest
when going to a highly public place with enough
friends who share your interests to make
massive crowds shifty. You have an unusual
liking to blood.


Which Gothic Stereotype Are You?
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Ah.. Who would have ever guessed? I'd rather be a Eurotrash Cyber Goth, but I dunno the first thing about computers.
I wear my bat wings on the inside....

Speaking of slacking on my bloggin, I've been slacking on my webpage.
Go visit: Panda Priestess to have a very Naya experience!
Go to the friends page and see all of the nasty things I've posted about your asses!
I'll even give you a lazy little bitch link to the friends page: Friends!

You never realize just how many people read your blog until you don't update anymore. A whole two people asked about it. Thats a whole heck of a lot more than I thought there were! Cheers to all the faithful readers!

Yesterday morning Bob The Almighty issued this command to Bon The Freaking Stupid: "....WASH YOUR FACE IN THE SHOWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON..".Oh but he used such a commanding voice, such imperial tone! Deathly serious, Like someone had shoved a red-hot corncob up his regal rear end. It was as if the lowly Bon had broken the very rule-- the very law that holds the universe together. Lord Bob save us! What terrible, awful transgression Bon had comitted by washing her face when she should very well have known that Lord Bob-The Alpha and The Omega- hadn't had his bathroom time. I could not help laughing at Lord Bob's decree, and being the disgraceful little shit I am--I laughed at Bob. Yes, me and Bon had ourselves a hearty laugh and reflected--mocked-- his sentaments with all of the exact same sincerity he threw at us!
Oh, but I do feel dreadful sorry. Bob is right, always always right. So I had to help Bon upstairs because she is too dumb to remember how to climb them. Right foot, and then left foot, up the stairs--Like a normal person. After that Bon decided to have breakfast like normal people. But we had to ask God.. err Bob how bowls are used, and what bowls are, and how to utilize a spoon like normal people. We just pointed and laughed at the King and his beady weasle eyes glowed with hatred. His mouth became as small as a mouse turd then suddenly bellowed "YEAH YOUR NOT GONNA THINK ITS FUNNY IN A SECOND" weilding a dog leash--ready to snap the metal end right in our faces. He would have to, because we just kept laughing, but momma suggested he take the hell beast out for a walk. As soon as Bob was out the door me and bon threatened to beat each other with canes because we are both so stupid. I'm glad that boy is my brother, with his well-meaning threats of physical violence, he really straightens out Bon The Freaking Stupid and I--Naya The Slowest Fucking Retard. Why I'm so stupid that I don't know what I'm writing. I'm surprised I can write at all? What is writing, who am I? Oh well back to my happy life as a normal stupid person!

Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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"Real" Care Bear: See what Care Bear you are.

Mononoke Hime
haritsumeta yumi no furueru tsuru yo
tsuki no hikari ni zawameku omae no kokoro
togisumasareta yaiba no utsukushii
sono kissaki ni yoku nita sonata no yokogao
kanashimi to ikari ni hisomu
makoto no kokoro wo shiru wa mori no sei
mononoke-tachi dake mononoke-tachi dake
Princess Mononoke
The beauty of a sharpened blade
Thy profile looks very much like that sword point.
Lurking in the sadness and anger
The only ones who know your true heart are the forest spirits
Only the spirits, only the spirits...

---- Naya Has the Crazies!! ------------------------------------------------------
myarph.. I can't believe I'm blogging this.--eh maybe I can. You see I need to write this here, I want certain people to know...
After a year and some months or consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I need professional help.
Only recently I have gained the intelligence to realize--to compose why I believe I need it.
First of all: I should have gone to a counsilor back when I was a kid, when I was first asked if I needed help. Since then I've had a bunch of crap on piled on my mind like dog turds in the back yard. But then again- I was just a kid, and after the first terrifying experience--spainish inquisition-- I never wanted to go back--I needed to protect myself which leads me to my--
second point: I am throughly convinced I've developed a series of phobias that effect my way of life. Not only that, I believe I have some really bad anxiety disorder. The other day I was listening to the radio and some lady on a commercial says, " do you have frequent fears of failing, of dying, of losing control.Do you cry often or easily, are you afraid that you can never live the life you want, that you are being sucked into a black vortex of never ending doom? (I embellish, I cant remember quite what was asked.) Are you constantly worried about friends or family? etc. I says to the radio " yes, yes, yes, yes,no,yes,yes,only on mondays,yes"."Ha" I think, "all those yesses, thats kind of funny, lol"
--"If you answer "Yes" to four or more of these questions, you may have anxiety disorder. "Oh, shit" I thinks,"I answered, like, double that."
Oh, then I was reading in my health book symptoms of anxitey disorders and such and I'm all like:"Shit again"-- Confirming what I had previously theorized.
Third Point:I figured for a long time that I had somthing wrong with me, that I was all annoyed and uptight for some reason. I believe that talking about all of it will help relieve the crap in my mind--a pooper scooper for my soul!
But seriously folks, I think that its my responsibily to get myself together. Like some sort of milestone of growing up-- like getting ones license, like getting confirmed by the church, like taking on responsibility for ones transgressions, getting a job-- but I havn't done any of these things-- I'm afraid of doing it. I figure that I have to start here--getting help. If I actually do get help--If I'm brave enough-- I'll be prouder of myself than I ever have been in my life.
........You see, I can't think of anything more terrifying than going to get counciling, just thinking about it makes me shiver, choke back tears, run around like a chicken with its head cut off. If I conquer this fear it would be an extreme triumph. I know its not gonna be easy, probably not fun, but I feel I need to do it. Cause underneath being deathly terrified, and apprehensive I'm very excited about the benifits, and the possiblities.
---- You must be thinking I'm silly or somthing. This has nothing to do with the blogger or school. I wouldn't go through the school to get help because they are prying evil bastards.
---Please post your thoughts on this. But whatever you do don't speak a word of this out loud. Its not that I care if everyone knows. I care if bob and the old man knew. If you tell them I will be very hurt and excommunicate you for the rest of my life--I'm not joking.

I just wanted to add SOMTHING to this whole suicide blog club thing.
If I had been called to the guidence office I would have torn some shit up. Though, I know that they are probably well meaning.
I know that our blogs are on the internet and anyone can read them, thats a given-- thats the point. I think that the thing that is getting us most angry is not that THEY are reading our blogs--but because were having our intelligence--and our emotional intelligence insulted. Yeah, we kind of feel like our privacy is invaded (understatement) but thats the way it is. As a group, I don't think there is anyone who would want to commit suicide less. We know the effect that it has on on us. Telling us we perhaps don't know what we are talking about it pretty damn hurtful. I wish I could elaborate but I have to get ready for another glorious day of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a midnight procrastination blog:
My friends, they are very--intelligent, creative, and expressive. (stop laughing)
Most of them don't realize it, anyway; and if they do, they don't utilize their gifts to their capacity.
I'm surrounded with potential poets, artists, and people who are just really good at being a friend. But--I dunno what I'm saying exactly--they kind of squander their talent.
Take me, for example. I believe that I could be a wonderful friend, someone who listens to friends and gives advice, someone to be there for you when things suck.
It really gives me great joy to help people out, but I don't do it. I've never really been there for someone who needs me. I just sit in my dark little corner of the universe and rant about how the world owes me, though I know it owes me nothing. I squander my joy, on sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hating everything in the world.
--Another example of squander would be this really great poet I know. This poet wastes time on writing poems about really assholes who have no heart or intelligence and aren't worth the time it takes to write a poem. Now, I know that being a poet and all its a given that you write how you feel, but--I dunno what I'm saying again-- maybe one should take the time to really realize that the assholes aren't worth it, and that there are more worthwhile things in the world.
--Yet another example of someone who could bless the world with innumerable gifts is that person who has interest in politics, changing the world that thoughtless people abuse. This person has the capability and intelligence to really make a difference but wastes their time in front of some video screen, lamenting for a cheating whorebeast ex.
-----yeah, well I know I'm just some sort of fluffy idealist, though I didn't write this to mould you all into my ideals--I know, who am I to say.... I just wanted to get people thinking about their true potential. What you can do to make your own lives, and the lives of others suck less. I know that if I were a better friend-- if my friends could express themselves in healthy ways--stop burnin ourselves up in our own self-doubt... It would just be a better world for me. I think that my friends are THE most important people/things/alien lifeforms in my life--the only people I can really trust--depend on.
Well I dunno what else to say--I better stop digging myself out of a hole. My New Years Resolution was to better myself, To make my life worth living, to make everything not suck for others. I really feel like I best be making some changes fast, cause sometimes I feel like my mind is all crumbling away.