Monday, February 08, 2010

Everything You Know and Want is Totally Wrong

I never know if what I'm doing is right.
It's a hard thing to confess because it just sounds so ignorant;
it would seem that I just have not sat down and really looked inwardly.
I'm young, I know... but it gets harder to use that excuse.
I'm sensitive. I get upset easy and overwhelmed with problems that most people say I should not get so worked up about.

Depression. Good old fashioned Depression runs strong on both sides of my family. I might have always been depressed but it gets so much harder to deal with as the years pass. It's harder to deal with as I gain more responsibilities. Going to school was hard. I felt so alone.
It's harder to deal with now.. The isolation makes me so sad. I don't feel like I'm fun to be around. I see my friends, and they all have their own families. I go to school for 8 months and everyone's lives go on, but mine is the same when I get back.

I don't have a basis to form values on. Throughout my life I've put little consideration into getting married and having kids; things society says a woman should do. I suppose I've been going along with this vague notion that I would start a family when I could afford to have one. Then I start a relationship with someone who never wants to have kids or get married and then I suppose he has a very good point. I want to be an artist. I'll probably always be poor if I go into art. I think that being an artist is kind of selfish and time consuming, and how could I manage a family like that. Plenty of people do, I know. But me? I wish I could have had more experience being around people with children to get a better idea of what that kind of life is like. Sometimes I envy people who have their value structure all laid out for them. Life is so much simpler when you don't have to second-guess yourself.
Marriage. That sickening word. I always thought I would get married.
I start a relationship with someone who wants to get married and have kids, RIGHT NOW. Well, it seemed that way. It was okay because I could make him wait. Then I didn't want to. Then I decided I wasn't getting married. I realized he was so wrong for me.
So I meet this man that I love so very much. I want an enourmously lavish wedding fit for a princess to show him off, and to show us off as this fantastically perfect couple. He doesn't want to get married. I'm insulted. What on earth could be wrong with me that you would not feel the same about me? Is this kind of like how I realized that some other guy was wrong for me and decided not to marry him? Why am I so wrong for you?
It sounds childish..
I'm no believer in that institution really. To think that I'm wasting time in another frivolous relationship makes my heart suffer.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

People ask Atheists questions like,
"don't you feel hopeless thinking life has no meaning?."
At one point in time, this question might have made sense.
But all the same, ideas of spirituality and awe are not lost on me. To truly understand that you are a part of the universe and were once one with the singularity of everything. To know that we are billions of years in the making is a very awesome and humbling idea.
My view of the world, as empty of supernatural influence, does not make me feel hopless.
If someone asks me if I feel hopeless, I would say "I assume I'm not more or less full of despair than anyone else." Life is full of uncertainty, and we all have our ways of dealing with it.
I am curious in the same way the faithful are.
I want to know how Christians can just go about their lives with hope even thought their God is invisible, unknowable, omni-present but at the same time never there when something terrible happens. How can people live with a dead-beat father in heaven? Don't they feel hopeless when their prayers aren't answered? Don't they feel confused when they follow plans seemingly set out by father god, are plans gone awry? Don't they feel burdened when they always have to be subjected to the will of something formless but large as life?
I might sound critical of the Christians but I'm just expressing my ideas in the best words I can choose. I really have this curiosity and despite my disbelief, I don't want to completely cut off my mindset from the spiritual believers. I have my ways of getting by. It's not prayer, it's thoughtful meditation, it's not communion it's socialization, it's not blind faith, it's active learning that gets me by. I've always felt this way, and it sets me apart from the congregations I've been exposed to. But I don't think we should just be separate. We need to be able to discuss our differences soberly, and politely to be able to really grow ourselves in our spirituality and knowledge.
Hello Kiddies!

This is what's up.

I'm currently going to school at Edinboro State University. I'm a Graphic Design major in the second semester of my freshman year.
I'm loving every minute of this. I'm loving every minute of this??
To tell the truth, there doesn't seem to be much of a scene here. The town outside of the campus is small, smaller than Coudersport. Which leads me to think that I much prefer Coudy to this place. At least all my friends are there, and everything is in walking distance. I love my nowhere town, what can I say!?
So I feel I'm in the doldrums. The friends I have made.. well.. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm there with them or not. I guess that's what I get for making friends with little or no social skills. I just feel kinda bleh.. I feel kinda outta touch with the kids here. Stupid me for waiting so long to go to college? Maybe its just these dumb kids. Such narcissists... or just preoccupied with their own little worlds? Am I a snob? A little I guess... but still, I'm disheartened by the fact that I've only met a couple of interesting, engaging people here.
Perhaps, I just expected too much....
I miss my Bebbeh. I just don't know what to do with myself. I sometimes think, what am I trying to do? I'm not some Graphic Designer tool. You silly nay-chan, you're no college student.
I guess I am. I have to be. I feel like it's a little unnatural. Sometimes I think that not wanting to be a disappointment is not motivation enough. Maybe, it would be best to just drop out and drop out of everything I know. This is just a passing thought. Structure is what I really need, and after all I'll be better off in the end. It's not like I don' t like art or designing.
I must confess I'm pathologically lazy and school majorly cuts into my leisure time. Maybe the typical mindset for a college student.
I'll figure it out I guess. Michael gives me a lot of confidence. Whenever I get apprehensive about school, I just think of what he went through in college.
If he can do it, surely I can..... right?

Thursday, July 09, 2009

"Milk of Magnesia is like Katamari for your digestive tract."
-Mr. Motorcycle
It collects any material in it's path to roll away gastro-intestinal distress!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Grand Adventure at the Ball Park

A couple weeks ago Michael and I up-and-decided to go to Pittsburgh for a Pirates vs. Rockies game. It was a beautiful day--really a picturesque day for Pittsburgh. We got lost looking for the park and missed the first couple innings. Which was actually sort of all right because we had crappy seats in the outfield and I really couldn't see much beyond Mr. McLouth (pictured above).

He made an awesome catch right in front of our seats which was pretty much worth the price of admission. I also thought I was gonna catch a home run ball in my forehead, but it landed on the other side of the fence where Mike could just barely touch it.
The Pirates lost but it was all good times.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Did I happen to mention that I was going to see Morrissey tonight?

I know that I did, and I got two responses:

"Who's that?"


"The Smiths were okay, but why would you want to see Morrissey?"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

She loves you NOT.

It's the average Sunday night at your favorite chain restaurant.

You politely ask for a that chicken and bacon thing.

She stands there and makes "that chicken and bacon thing," but with this attitude, this look as if to say:

Not only did you offer sexual favors to my boyfriend, and to my dad,

no..I can't prove it..
..but I know all about you!"
Regular Customer

A Tuesday afternoon at your favorite chain restaurant. The doorbell alerts me to the presence of a hungry patron. I shuffle up to the hand washing sink, greet the customer, wash hands, wrestle with fingers of my food preparation gloves.
I stand at the appointed place, with the knife and paper in front of me.
An ordinary middle-aged individual of below average looks.
He stretches his neck out and squints at the menu above my head.
A signal to show he has not decided-- more effort than necessary.
Seconds pass, he looks in my general direction.

He asks, "Can I get a..."

--"AYE AYE AYE!", interrupted Ozzy Osbourne.

A ring tone.
The man clumsily grabs for his cell; his doughy arms shifting to left pocket and right.


His poorly drawn tattoos were covered in a haze of ginger colored hair.

(Some people think a t-shirt with torn off sleeves and a camouflage trucker hat is a good look.)

I wait quietly, patiently.

"Just gettin' some subs, ya want anything?"

I wait patiently.

Monday, January 19, 2009


PETA wants to promote a more positive image for sea critters so people will feel badly about causing them pain and death. Their clever plan is to call fish by another name.

I've adopted my very own Sea Kitten!

Because you wouldn't want to stick a hook through the head of a Sea Kitten!