Monday, February 08, 2010
Everything You Know and Want is Totally Wrong
I never know if what I'm doing is right.
It's a hard thing to confess because it just sounds so ignorant;
it would seem that I just have not sat down and really looked inwardly.
I'm young, I know... but it gets harder to use that excuse.
I'm sensitive. I get upset easy and overwhelmed with problems that most people say I should not get so worked up about.
Depression. Good old fashioned Depression runs strong on both sides of my family. I might have always been depressed but it gets so much harder to deal with as the years pass. It's harder to deal with as I gain more responsibilities. Going to school was hard. I felt so alone.
It's harder to deal with now.. The isolation makes me so sad. I don't feel like I'm fun to be around. I see my friends, and they all have their own families. I go to school for 8 months and everyone's lives go on, but mine is the same when I get back.
I don't have a basis to form values on. Throughout my life I've put little consideration into getting married and having kids; things society says a woman should do. I suppose I've been going along with this vague notion that I would start a family when I could afford to have one. Then I start a relationship with someone who never wants to have kids or get married and then I suppose he has a very good point. I want to be an artist. I'll probably always be poor if I go into art. I think that being an artist is kind of selfish and time consuming, and how could I manage a family like that. Plenty of people do, I know. But me? I wish I could have had more experience being around people with children to get a better idea of what that kind of life is like. Sometimes I envy people who have their value structure all laid out for them. Life is so much simpler when you don't have to second-guess yourself.
Marriage. That sickening word. I always thought I would get married.
I start a relationship with someone who wants to get married and have kids, RIGHT NOW. Well, it seemed that way. It was okay because I could make him wait. Then I didn't want to. Then I decided I wasn't getting married. I realized he was so wrong for me.
So I meet this man that I love so very much. I want an enourmously lavish wedding fit for a princess to show him off, and to show us off as this fantastically perfect couple. He doesn't want to get married. I'm insulted. What on earth could be wrong with me that you would not feel the same about me? Is this kind of like how I realized that some other guy was wrong for me and decided not to marry him? Why am I so wrong for you?
It sounds childish..
I'm no believer in that institution really. To think that I'm wasting time in another frivolous relationship makes my heart suffer.
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