I feel lamenty tonight. I keep thinking about the poor fellas that put up with my crap (were in love with me). It was always those guys who got the bad end of the deal. I have a way of making everyone within 50 feet of me miserable or silent. I notice that when my friends are all together havin fun, laughing, in the other room, I walk in and I suck all the life out of the room. I don't even say anything. When I'm around people I don't usually hang out with, they get a little uneasy. They say "this is like, so weird were all so silent." I'm the only silent one. Why are people so afraid of silence? Am I so strange because I can't prattle on about the most mundane aspects of my day?
Today, in the lunchiline I was saying to Angela that it is totally immature and sad when people have to determine their self worth by what their boyfriends think of them. Yet, I still wish I had someone. Not because I want to determine my self-worth and say "oh like I am soo much better tahn yuo cuz I can get sum an yuo cnat". But to affirm that I actually exist. Sometimes I feel like a figment of everyones twisted imagination, that they repress and ignore. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and not be afraid of my silence, or afraid of what I can say when I say it. I want somone to touch, somone who feels the same way I do. I want someone who would actually try to take my advice for once, just once.
It is so sad, I feel like a ghost. I also feel pitied. I hate pity, pity is for losers..
I must have lost a lot.
It hurts me that the person I adore can only feel enough for me to extend pity. The same pity he extends to people worse off than me.