The pressures of this world crushing us, invisible burdens of mythril or whatever you would call imaginary substance of legendary strength. Life is pointless, it is meaningless. I know, I can see great piles of everything obscuring a panorama of nothing and nothing. Like pictures of adorable cut outs of a teenage girls boyfriends on her wall. Useless piled on nothing. But it makes her happy. Television, books, clothing, computers, religion mass diversion, medication, drugs, people, anything of mass or substance or ideas tangible and untangible they make us happy or angry or whatever. Our splendid soma. What does it matter if we live or die? Is death worse than walking around manipulating objects, our pencils with our fingers, our feet to touch the ground, our minds around our problems? Could death be a lack of ability to manipulate our minds and bodies, what if we gain somthing else we cannot even comprehend as we exist now as mind and body? What if we just stop? I can't remember the time before I was born. I do know that I have this instinct that I should be alive. I know how it is to be alive, what "living" means. Look at through the eyes of a computer or a rock. They do not move or manipulate in any concious manner, there is no intelligence in their way. What it is to be alive is to make and do more than what is not intelligent, concious or unable to move grow or reproduce. Living is moving, running, standing, making, doing, reproducing, thinking, writing, creating, distroying, killing, hating, loving. The people of the world have us think that living is one thing, living for god, living for others, living for to getting married getting a good job having children and dying. Well it is just not one thing or another, not to me. Living in a system is like living like a computer somthing inanimate, programmed to do everything it does, like people are programmed by society what to do. I do not want to live like an animal, they have their instincts that make them follow their own determined path. I'm a human I have a will perhaps not totally free of instinct or programming but I can very well make decisions that natures zombies couldn't make. I am full of so many endless possiblities. I'm told I hold so much "potential" and when I find out what the hell that is supposed to mean and for what I'll be alive. Because now I feel so dead, sitting and typing, having people talk down to me all the time, not knowing how to manipulate my clumsy limbs and my clouded mind. When I say "things are gonna get better" I mean that I feel like I'm gonna be resurrected to life, to be what I know I can be, what everybody else is and more importantly what nobody is.
I love ranting like a crazy man, but I dunno how to explain just how much I cherish being alive, and life, and how shitty I feel when I am confused about what sort of path I should blaze and when I see other people denying themselves their lives and happiness.
Ha.. I'm silly.