Graduating Highschool was the cure for my teenage angst; those trivial matters that once made me want to hurtle myself over a cliff have for the most part, dissolved to nothing. I don't worry so much about what kind of sneakers or fuzzy sweatbands will define me as a person. I don't add up everyone of my mistakes and miscalculations as an exponential expression ultimatly defining my complete incompetance.(big.. words.. gasp-wheeze...). I don't think I'm stupid anymore just because I CAN NOT play volleyball, and purposely did not try to get good grades in school. I don't have to worry about a reputation, having people think I'm anything at all, whether it be a cool weird kid, an artist, an imaginative or intelligent individual. I also feel better now that I have nobody to measure myself against, no models to follow, or anyone to look up to or down on. Being a hermit has its benefits.
I think things are getting better for me, the stuff that bothers me not bothering me so much anymore....
I've felt blind of my own identity and now finally feel like I'm really getting to know who the hell I really am. Cause as you all know, I'm not doing much now but playing videogames, and bumming about town with my boyfriend. Yeah I'm lazy. But I've had so much time to think about what went so horribly wrong in Highschool and what the fuck I can do to not beat up on myself in the future. I have so much time to sit and think about myself, the "hows" and "whys" and the "WTFs". I decided that my mind and my emotions are so intricately flawed (fucked up), that it will take some time to tear out all the seams, and unravel all that junk and fix it again. Kind of like equipping and re-equipping materia... or somthing like that. Jeeze I went into this depressed and wanting to tell you about it but I just can't concentrate...
I remember feeling so desperately sad from being lost and blind of who or what I am, and sad because I could hardly relate to anyone, that I wished for a mirror for my soul, to remember what it looks like.
Thanks to you I'm learning how to speak my emotions in almost coherent complete sentences, and now I am becoming less fearful of my arch enemy Pretentiousness, as Truth finally fuckin comes out! I can finally think about and say what I'm feeling even though it still takes a behemoth amount of effort. I thank you for putting up with my selfishness. I have learned more about myself and who I am through you in only 6 months, than I have ever learned from myself.
Anyway life for me is not completely "wooo! shiny!".
Tonight it hit me this very sad feeling I've been repressing for some long time.. I feel it now as I'm thinking what to type here..
I just feel like my other half is torn from me, my real other half. The one who knows what "duhsign" is, the one who knows the joy it brings to your heart to kick a dog across the room.

It's Friday night and I'm not trying to get spiffied up for a school dance or walking down to Jimmy's to hang out. I'm not pretending to be plotting some anarchist plan, I'm not drawing either. It's my own fault for feeling dead, I forgot myself.
I'm just lonely for my friends, when I see you again please don't make me feel like a stranger I'll slit my wrists.