4:30 am. It seems I fell asleep with my brain on. This is similarly as destructive as leaving the refrigerator door open all day. Am I gonna hafta throw out the eggs now? Is the milk still good?
Yeah it probably is, but now I'll be suspicious that there will be some evil kinda bacteria just waiting to give me e-coli.

Okay I know it doesn't make sense..

I've been overthinking, and worrying just like I always do--I'm such an anxious lady.
I'm pretty sick of having my own voice echo in my head all day everyday.
I do get the opportunity to talk to my sister, or Brian or my momma and I'm not alone, but when those chances come, its like the thing Christa said one time
-"The cockroaches scatter when the light comes on".
I feel extremely isolated, and its very hard for me to just talk and communicate with people.
It doesn't help me much, that most of my buddies have had the good sense to evacuate this hick town. But the ones that have not, I just find talking to them kinda awkward and a little sad, its just all the time we have spent apart. All the good times we didn't have together. Like the idiot I am- I can only concentrate on the bad things, and the things I don't have.

This month has been soo long, and by this month, I still mean May.
It's halfway through June and I'm still lamenting May. I had a very bad "break-up" (for those of you who don't already know). I'm really scared that I'll never have a normal relationship because of my poor communication lack of skill. It's so hard for me to even imagine I could ever change. There were years I should have spent at church, or on the basketball team, or actually giving a damn about the art club. Connecting and socializing. I've spent most of my life relating to fictional characters, videogames and movies.

I guess I'm still a novice at these things maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
But all this silence pretty much goes back to those last 20 years of my life, yeah, all those years I should not "underdissrepresent". It goes back as far as I can remember. All those years of being "the shy kid" and the "artist". All those years of neglect, everything I've never said anything about, all the pain. I just keep quiet.
Always I just keep quiet to keep everyone happy.
If everyone is happy there is no conflict.
I'm terrible with conflict, I just fail at resolving anything.
So I just do whatever to please anyone.
But this I found, does not make me happy either.
It's not right at all to be so dishonest to everyone I love. It's not right to torture myself.
So after many nights of thinking and crying my eyes out. I decided that the most important thing I could ever do for myself was to do what was right for me. To really concentrate on what I value. But what the heck is it that I value? I've been dumb for such a long time, I've ignored so much and forgot everything.
I wish that I could just wake up and live the way I want to.
I feel that some things could just change over night.
But as I'm finding out, most of the changes I want to make must take time. I know I'm making some progress, but its creepy-crawling, inching. The hardest part is getting disheartened all the time.
I just can't quite express how utterly confused I am about many things that have been going on in my life. I feel kinda sick from flipping over an over through space. I wish I had some kind of anchor too keep me in place. Or at least a "you are here" dot.