I hear some people say that I need some self-esteem, that I need to be more confident in myself. I won't deny that, not at all!
But I figure if I have the bravery to divulge my most brilliantly obvious flaws on my blog every day, and not feel a bit sorry, I must have some some self-esteem. I'm saying that I'm confident to tell the whole world that I'm a lonely loser, a social outcast, I need therapy, I need a hug, or I'm lazy and irresponsible, and It doesn't make me think any less of myself. I'm confident enough to be honest with myself. So I must have some self-esteem. What I really think I need is, discipine, to keep me from slagging off all day, and some shame, so I don't feel it good enough to be flaky and undependable all the time. Most of all I need motivation. I need somthing to get my ass moving and my head thinking.

I went to sleep at approximately 5:30 yesterday afternoon and slept until 10:30 this morning. Thats about 18 hours of sleep more or less.
Thats double what a person is supposed to get in a day. It astounds me that I could ever sleep so much. Its good that I didn't miss anything, at least I think I didn't.
I guess I've discovered a new talent, I am very good at sleeping. I'm also getting pretty good at staying up until 4:30 in the morning, but thats all over for the year.
I'm so multitalented, I can sleep and play videogames, and ramble on about the stupidist aspects of my uneventful life. I'm real college material!

I'm sure you all have taken a health class sometime in your life.
You know, the ones where they teach you about sex and reproductive systems.
Anyway, It bugs me when I hear the redundant cliche "Abstinence is the safest sex" or "No sex is the safest sex."
:B What the hell are they trying to tell us. What retard decided to tell us that crap.
If its not sex then its not sex. Argh..

I feel lamenty tonight. I keep thinking about the poor fellas that put up with my crap (were in love with me). It was always those guys who got the bad end of the deal. I have a way of making everyone within 50 feet of me miserable or silent. I notice that when my friends are all together havin fun, laughing, in the other room, I walk in and I suck all the life out of the room. I don't even say anything. When I'm around people I don't usually hang out with, they get a little uneasy. They say "this is like, so weird were all so silent." I'm the only silent one. Why are people so afraid of silence? Am I so strange because I can't prattle on about the most mundane aspects of my day?
Today, in the lunchiline I was saying to Angela that it is totally immature and sad when people have to determine their self worth by what their boyfriends think of them. Yet, I still wish I had someone. Not because I want to determine my self-worth and say "oh like I am soo much better tahn yuo cuz I can get sum an yuo cnat". But to affirm that I actually exist. Sometimes I feel like a figment of everyones twisted imagination, that they repress and ignore. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and not be afraid of my silence, or afraid of what I can say when I say it. I want somone to touch, somone who feels the same way I do. I want someone who would actually try to take my advice for once, just once.
It is so sad, I feel like a ghost. I also feel pitied. I hate pity, pity is for losers..
I must have lost a lot.
It hurts me that the person I adore can only feel enough for me to extend pity. The same pity he extends to people worse off than me.

red roses
wine
silk
shine shine like diamonds
candles flicker
pulse moves quicker
sunset beach
silver moon
in your arms i swoon
poetry
Just love for loves sake
pretty words and no content
another happy routine..

--> Pr0m
Tonight I went to Prom. Everybody was so pretty. People said I "looked good" and "wow you cut your hair short". I danced a little bit with Jizzamie Fry and Erin Farrar and Maggie Gaberseck 'cause I'm cool and have lots of friends. My shoes hurt my feet. I should have put my hair up, but that would make me the same as the preppy people and I don't want that. The decorating was astounding It didn't look like the Elementary school.
Before I went to prom I went to Erway's with Jamie and Hillary, and Elizabeth and her man-slave Larry. I had a shrimp dinner, and Jamie had a grilled-cheese sammich. Everyone stared at us because we were dressed all fancy to eat at Erways. Doesn't everyone wear gowns and high heels to Erway's?
Anyway I went to prom and there were fancy dressed people. Ryan Dunn is and idiot, he said-- and I quote: "hubba hubba" to me.
I danced mostly to disco songs, not that I really thought about it, I just did.
And then you ask did you dance with anyone?".
Yep. I danced with Greg. Man, he sure likes to talk. He asked me how I liked the prom, and I said it was alright. He asked me what my favorite part was-- and me being the dork I am said, "dancing with you" . I throughly enjoyed the experience. Except for the fact that he probably wouldn't have danced with me if Alyissa hadn't told him to. Well, I don't actually know, I just assume... I'm not gonna linger on that.
After Pr0m I came home and Bon was waiting for me. She told me of my every flaw, nobody put coverup on your back, woah your not wearing a bra I can tell, you didn't curl your hair or did you,you have a sparkle on your eyelid and a black thing on your forehead, your face looks oily. Thanks Bon, I looked like a retard the whole time.
I'm currently lounging in my prom dress. I don't feel special and I don't feel stupid. I'm just here.

Comrades! I know there are a few gamers out there who frequently read my little ranty-poohs, and I know that you have bloggies of your own. I have stumbled upon this organization of evil mutant bitch soccer moms. I hope it will fuel a conflagration (real big fire) of brilliant rants.
MAVAV
Cause those video games are givin' todays youth the crazies.
I'd rant about it all but I have too much homework to do now.
I WANNA HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!
and click here for a moment of
ZEN

Oooh, looks like someone had a bad day today. I came home to hear metallica blasting on the stereo. I sit down to check my blogs, and Buster gets all wound up becouse he has to go outside and chew on grass or chase a squirrel. I tell Bob to take the dog out he says "You never do anything around here" with all of the fury of complete unforgivable hatred in his eyes.
I laugh at him, yeah, I know I never do anything around here. But why should I, surrounded by people who don't care. Anyway, it seems that its always our fault, but not bob's. He lives here too, but "oh it always gets ruined". He does as little around here as any of us do. But he is such a special boy for cutting the grass!
Grass never grows back........
I do the dishes, do the laundry and pick up just as much as he does anything!
Bon, and Mum and I are the only filthy people who use dishes or wears clothing!
you understand?
ITS CALLED MAINTENENCE YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK!
YOU HAVE TO CLEAN EVERYDAY!
grass grows, dishes get dirty, socks get smelly, the dog needs walked EVERY DAMN DAY!
praise you golden child, well follow in your example and do the big projects first!
Lets rearrange the furniture with the cups and glasses on the tables, and the newspapers on the floors...
The point is that if you aren't part of the solution then you are part of the problem.
If you can't do the maintenence then you don't deserve to yell at anyone about what they lack!
poor bob.... so angsty... its hard when you cant live up to that ideal, but false concept of white, upper-middle class living! poor bob, without a white picket fence, without a golden retriever, without a nice car, or nice american eagle clothes. Without a perky soccer mom, or football dad, or cheerleader girlfriend... poor bob...
life is just not Disney..

Hey Ang, I finally fixed the link, and I blogged,
I'm really on a roll now!


I'm just a cool person. People like me.


Why do people read your Livejournal?
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Woo, I know some people that have maturity issues. I hear them say, "Jesus, stop that, grow up and act more mature."
Well, well, well, --yes father dear!
But you see, there is where the problem is--" act more mature". Holy fahzoli, because It takes more than wearing adult clothes, ("get a haircut and get a real job"), and not participating in "juvenile" activities, like dancing, or listening to that darn rap music. I know you know that some of the most mature people are the most stupid. I know you have to sit through classes with a few preps. They dress more mature, and do lots of homework and go to cheerleading or football practice, but really a great deal of preps are just as bigoted, prejudiced, potty mouthed as any of us losers.
What I'm trying to say here is that you need to think mature to be mature. You need to think and act to be mature. If thinking and acting aren't completely assimilated you immaturity will shine through either in the way you think or talk to people or in the way you act.
Example #1: If you think that jewish people are "fucking gay" you might call people "fucking jews" to insult them. I know perfectly "mature" people have a tendency to do this. I know you have a right to say and think what you want but I think that it can be agreed upon by virtually anyone that making prejudgements about people and things that you don't know is pretty damn immature and pretty damn stupid.
The bottom line is if you are extremely intent on being mature you really need to think about what the fuck you are doing, and how it can be seen from other people's eyes.

laest nite i wnet 2 teh dawnce and i had Sooo much fun withe my boyfirend But Scool sux becos i am soo smarte and evreyone is inmatture Gawd i got liek a hunderd points and evrone was liek duh I'm so freekin inmatture I am sooo glade that I am so matture lastnight i had adream where evrone hats meh and i die doze everone hate me god y does thes shit alwas hapun to me i wish that everone would juste growe up or die coz im guna braek up wtith my boyfreind coz he is liek god she ia hott and id fuk that but thean id hav liek no life adn nobudy wood liek me soo i wuold hav to go an proof theat I am soo matture and id beet his face in

you ever have those days where all you feel like doing is staring into space and drooling..

Wahhh!! I'll never see Christa again! Ragnarock online ate her.

As I see it there are three meanings to the phrase "This life".

--Number one is "This life" referring to the years an individual lives through and encounters.
Like an object that belongs to that particular person alone.
"This life is crazy and sad..."

Also, it is the way a person lives.

"The drugs have stolen all I hold precious to me, this life is leading me on the road to destruction."

--Number two is "This life" referring to the existance on "This Spiritual Plane".
"This life will soon be over,"
as life is somthing to be completed so you can visit another level.
"This life is for serving our lord, the next life is for basking in the rays of his glory"

--The third is "This life" as a process everyone and everything shares.
It would probably be more sensible to say "Life" rather that "This Life".

When you are talking to someone, or leaving a suicide note it would be appreciated by the living if you would please specify what you mean by "This Life." For that phrase, like life itself, has many different facets. If you would be so kind as to describe, the living could change the shit of the world into somthing positive, and make life better for those who have not given up.

There are those who talk as if they are dead. They leave their notes saying why this life is so fucked up-- unbearable. They do not say why or how. If it is their life that is unbearble, if it is that the binds that hold them to their lord is unbearable, or if it is the burdens of the world are unbearable.
What I mean when I say they are dead means they know there are things that need to be changed but they never do anything. ....mrrrph.. broke my chain of thought here...
--I think sometimes that those who wish they were dead the most, really want to be alive the most.
I personally believe that the process of life is experienced through change.
I believe through experience that changing things for the better is the best way to feel alive.
Think about it, have you ever felt more alive that when you experienced a great change in your life?
Like getting a new boyfriend, or new friends or a brand new car or finally making the choice to live a healthy life. Maybe joining a new religion, or finally following your new years resolution will perk up your life. Maybe you can go to counciling or confide in someone.