Last year I was fortunate to stay a week with my best friend Christa down in glorious Punxy.
I needed a vacation to clear my head, try to sort out what kind of possibilities there were in the world for me, outside of Coudy. I know it's impossible to really figure that stuff out in a week, especially in a hole like Punxy. But anyway..
In my estimation, I really suck at being a friend sometimes, but its not from a lack of trying.
I guess it's easy to feel that way when you gotta go through hard times together and you don't know how to handle a situation you've never been in. I was there, I listened, tried to say anything, not just anything.. but somthing. I tried to say somthing useful. I tried to be of some comfort. I guess I could relate to this kind of situation. I don't know if I should attempt to make these kind of compairisons. .. well guess who's name came up. Who was the person I couldn't get off my mind.
That was a year ago almost. Asked me a year previous to that and the answer still would have been the same.
That was a pretty long week down in Punxy. I had a lot of time to myself to just sit around and think. I would lie around and ask myself the bathtub question. The question I always think about when I'm up to my neck in bubbles. It's kind of hard to explain.. its kind of like this:
Is it true that everything I could ever hope to have I have already, and everything I could be I already am. I'm not sure how to make it make much more sense. Honestly, I would hate to think that right now I couldn't have any more happiness in my life if I tried a little harder, or just simply chose a more logical path. I hope this isn't all I can expect ou of life.
I get stuck in ruts all the time, I'm feel pretty weak and inferior, I feel like I have to cling to the things I know to find any happiness in life.
Lately I've been considering my life subjectively, and objectively. It's somthing that I've always done but never really called it a name. Well we just compair good and bad.
On one hand I live in this cozy house, with a beautiful view of the hills (if you can ignore the PennDOT barbed wire fence and buildings). I'm surrounded by wonderful people that care very much for me, and i for them. I never go hungry, I don't have need for much money, and I have no interest in most any material possesions. On the other hand I feel like I have to bend to everyone's wills, make everyone happy at my own expense. I have to live with this undeniable pain and anger about stupid shit that happened a decade ago.
I just long to break free of everything, I want to be independant. I don't think I have to neccissarily trade all of the hapiness that I have now for cold uncertainty. But do I really want to find out? Damn, I guess it's called growing up.
I always question what I've done and left undone, wrong or right.
But I just can't question wanting.
(I'm too tired to continue, and damn if this keeps making less and less sense to me. goodnight)

It's pretty funny just how close I have to put my face up to the screen to be able to see without my contacts in. Less than four inches I'm guessing.

It seems I forgot to check my in-box in the last THREE WEEKS..
I only thought Nintendo ever e-mailed me!!!
Yes, I'm a total dork
Damn damn damn...
Now what am I supposed to say?

I would feel much better if I could just pour my heart all out.
My "heart" changes from one day to the next, so anything I say.. doesn't matter much?
I gotta stop thinking that one thing I feel one day is the beat all, end all, true definition,
the moment, the one. It's so hard for me being such a dumb kid, I think that a year is a long time, I can't fucking wait until Christmas.
...posting on my blog, I hate to think that anything I write here would be understood as the final word on any of my opinions, and I hate to think just how much could be misconstrued. I've been utterly stupid in the way I types itty bitty bits of text ....holes, fruits, dreams...without the context. It seems I don't take as much consideration into the thoughts and feelings of others as I probably should. As I should.
When I think about how my thoughts and blog-thoughts differ. I think of this episode of the Twilight Zone where this young guy who works at a bank gets the power of mind reading for one day. The young guy just listens in on all of his co-workers thoughts, and in particular to this old man who was a trustworthy, reliable and had worked at the bank for decades. The young guy becomes convinced that the old man will rob the bank, and leave the country. But it is later revealed that "taking the money and running" was just a fantasy the old man uses to get through the day. He had never intended on actually doing this thing.
My blog is, at times just free thought. Many thoughts aren't expanded upon, there are many amendments to be made. I just don't know how much of this crap can be taken seriously...
I can't say that what I'm writing doesn't matter much, I've really affected a lot of people whether I've meant to or not. I've posted what did matter to me, I post what does matter to me and I've posted what mattered to me at the time. I didn't consider what might matter to others.
But what matters to others is not what this stupid blog journal is about. Then again It is public, it says things that involve other people. I should take more responsibility. I could tell you to take some responsibility for your own damn self, and instead of you jumping to conclusions, just ask me. But that isn't always possible. I can't be a pushy bastardess and tell you what to do. That's just more of me ignoring how you feel.
Obviously I should maybe establish some guidelines to follow here. Perhaps my personal thoughts should belong in my "book of things im not supposed to have" (my personal diary).
Some ideas are dangerous, I should not point the weapon at myself, or anyone, unless I mean to destroy. I shouldn't imply that I know anything about anyone. Cut the drama..
I dunno, make it all boring.
I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've said, but I guess I gotta leave them, some kind of testament, some kinda memorial, but more important than leaving it there, I have to remember to look back, remember to remember. It would have saved me so much heartache, to learn from my mistakes.

Hello World!
I guess, I'm posting for the sake of posting.
I've doing a lot of thinking lately.. and that's.. pretty much.. it.
I'll let you know how that thinking stuff all works out.
Sorry for not having anything useful to say.
Hoo-ray

I can't stop thinking about you.
I can't make this feeling go away.
I've realized too much, too late. It's killing me.
I don't know what to do.
My heart is aching so badly.

I know this sounds totally lame, but I think I'll start drawing cartoon strips again.
Just the idea of it fills me with rapture. YES! RAPTURE!
Oh, the demented ideas I have, oh the evil glee, the simple stupidity,
..the challenge.
I hopes I can remember how to draw.

I just don't know how to describe how much this hurts.
I've never cried so hard.
It's the life I've designed though, with my own lies.
This is the world I will live in, along with every ounce of pain I've caused.
The walls I've built to keep me from the pain, now block me in.
It wasn't worth it, it isn't worth it.
Nothing ever seemed to be worth so much.

I'll be here for quite some time it seems.

It doesn't make much sense:

I guess I could find some satisfaction that I tried to live as well as I could,
the best life that a stupid, pathetic, lost person could.
I don't believe in the afterlife, is just more of the same "before I was born" nothing stuff.
I feel that life is precious, it makes me want to search and live for greater things knowing that this is it.
I was pretty young when I began to truly appreciate the richness of life.
As I grew older and experienced more things and grew aware of lifes complexities, I became intimidated.
Isn't it supposed to be the opposite, I don't know.
I built my house on the sinking sand.
I'm not proud of the way I've been living my life. I'm very weak in my convictions.. bleh.. just fucking look at me, I'm practically screaming "Take advantage of me!"
Life still matters to me, all I want is to grow, and keep everything that matters most to me, close to me. I just can't have what I want right now. Who needed more than I had to give?
Changing doesn't matter when you don't know what you want. I just wanted to be good enough. Change...what kind of puffs-of-air rhetoric are you gonna come up with this time to defend this holy war, Naya? ...like, just exisisting is a moral dilemma.
It's all just black and white and 100 mph.
One thing I've wanted was to be in love. I've been raised on totally fantastical ideals. Disney movies and radio love songs. I wondered why those love stories don't end up more like mom and dad, or auntie, or like mr. neighbor (i mean as bad as you can imagine).
My "love" story ends like this:
we get into some kind of fight, probably because I'm jealous of him. I'll be all like "Oh he thinks I'm a bitch, hey. I'm gonna chase him down in my SUV. hey. We will see who is a bitch." I'll accidentally, but totally on purpose run him over, then purely accidentally back over him again. I'll be destroyed and remorseful about backing over him again, because he didn't deserve that one. But I'll always be confused about whether I really meant to run him over and kill him in the first place.
This is the way it's been, I'm so scared that it might always be that way. It makes me sad that I might only know a life of regret.

how could i have let this happen?