I would feel much better if I could just pour my heart all out.
My "heart" changes from one day to the next, so anything I say.. doesn't matter much?
I gotta stop thinking that one thing I feel one day is the beat all, end all, true definition,
the moment, the one. It's so hard for me being such a dumb kid, I think that a year is a long time, I can't fucking wait until Christmas.
...posting on my blog, I hate to think that anything I write here would be understood as the final word on any of my opinions, and I hate to think just how much could be misconstrued. I've been utterly stupid in the way I types itty bitty bits of text ....holes, fruits, dreams...without the context. It seems I don't take as much consideration into the thoughts and feelings of others as I probably should. As I should.
When I think about how my thoughts and blog-thoughts differ. I think of this episode of the Twilight Zone where this young guy who works at a bank gets the power of mind reading for one day. The young guy just listens in on all of his co-workers thoughts, and in particular to this old man who was a trustworthy, reliable and had worked at the bank for decades. The young guy becomes convinced that the old man will rob the bank, and leave the country. But it is later revealed that "taking the money and running" was just a fantasy the old man uses to get through the day. He had never intended on actually doing this thing.
My blog is, at times just free thought. Many thoughts aren't expanded upon, there are many amendments to be made. I just don't know how much of this crap can be taken seriously...
I can't say that what I'm writing doesn't matter much, I've really affected a lot of people whether I've meant to or not. I've posted what did matter to me, I post what does matter to me and I've posted what mattered to me at the time. I didn't consider what might matter to others.
But what matters to others is not what this stupid blog journal is about. Then again It is public, it says things that involve other people. I should take more responsibility. I could tell you to take some responsibility for your own damn self, and instead of you jumping to conclusions, just ask me. But that isn't always possible. I can't be a pushy bastardess and tell you what to do. That's just more of me ignoring how you feel.
Obviously I should maybe establish some guidelines to follow here. Perhaps my personal thoughts should belong in my "book of things im not supposed to have" (my personal diary).
Some ideas are dangerous, I should not point the weapon at myself, or anyone, unless I mean to destroy. I shouldn't imply that I know anything about anyone. Cut the drama..
I dunno, make it all boring.
I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've said, but I guess I gotta leave them, some kind of testament, some kinda memorial, but more important than leaving it there, I have to remember to look back, remember to remember. It would have saved me so much heartache, to learn from my mistakes.