Last year I was fortunate to stay a week with my best friend Christa down in glorious Punxy.
I needed a vacation to clear my head, try to sort out what kind of possibilities there were in the world for me, outside of Coudy. I know it's impossible to really figure that stuff out in a week, especially in a hole like Punxy. But anyway..
In my estimation, I really suck at being a friend sometimes, but its not from a lack of trying.
I guess it's easy to feel that way when you gotta go through hard times together and you don't know how to handle a situation you've never been in. I was there, I listened, tried to say anything, not just anything.. but somthing. I tried to say somthing useful. I tried to be of some comfort. I guess I could relate to this kind of situation. I don't know if I should attempt to make these kind of compairisons. .. well guess who's name came up. Who was the person I couldn't get off my mind.
That was a year ago almost. Asked me a year previous to that and the answer still would have been the same.
That was a pretty long week down in Punxy. I had a lot of time to myself to just sit around and think. I would lie around and ask myself the bathtub question. The question I always think about when I'm up to my neck in bubbles. It's kind of hard to explain.. its kind of like this:
Is it true that everything I could ever hope to have I have already, and everything I could be I already am. I'm not sure how to make it make much more sense. Honestly, I would hate to think that right now I couldn't have any more happiness in my life if I tried a little harder, or just simply chose a more logical path. I hope this isn't all I can expect ou of life.
I get stuck in ruts all the time, I'm feel pretty weak and inferior, I feel like I have to cling to the things I know to find any happiness in life.
Lately I've been considering my life subjectively, and objectively. It's somthing that I've always done but never really called it a name. Well we just compair good and bad.
On one hand I live in this cozy house, with a beautiful view of the hills (if you can ignore the PennDOT barbed wire fence and buildings). I'm surrounded by wonderful people that care very much for me, and i for them. I never go hungry, I don't have need for much money, and I have no interest in most any material possesions. On the other hand I feel like I have to bend to everyone's wills, make everyone happy at my own expense. I have to live with this undeniable pain and anger about stupid shit that happened a decade ago.
I just long to break free of everything, I want to be independant. I don't think I have to neccissarily trade all of the hapiness that I have now for cold uncertainty. But do I really want to find out? Damn, I guess it's called growing up.
I always question what I've done and left undone, wrong or right.
But I just can't question wanting.
(I'm too tired to continue, and damn if this keeps making less and less sense to me. goodnight)