Right, so, whenever I stop writing for a day or so I totally lose momentum. I have to start over and refer to my first grade spelling book. A is for what again?
Anyway I felt like shit in August, then I felt smothered and then penitent in September and now its like, "fuck-off October". Yeah just like that, I'll paint all of my experiences and feelings in those fucking red and blue and yellow colors I will, yes I will. Just one more color than black and white.
I always thought 'and' should be a color. It would be like when my preschool teacher told me "paisley was a color," fucking paisley, and that's all I can remember from my Montessouri years.
Anyway, "the head forgets while the heart remembers", I made up that tacky saying because that's just how I operate, on short little quips and phrases, " a penny saved is a penny earned," "love is patient love is kind..", "can you hear me now?"
Why does my head not collect and recollect factiful historical information to draw upon when I need direction. I just think what my heart says and it says "loev foerevuur" or"anger anger, kill kill".
Anyway, I'm writing more like my train of thought sounds in my mind than the way I was taught to write in high squell. Therefore, what I'm saying should be making little sense.
----
I am really good now. Just good, not great. I reserve the description great when I go out and do something totally righteous and/or excellent. I've been sitting around too much, and playing videogames to feel wonderful. This is the way I waste the precious hours of my life, I would be fine with this if only this silly, oh so insignificant, oh so small caged tiger in my heart would stop pacing around.
I've been having a hard time finding a balance, I'm adventurous and bold and shy and retiring and all shades in between. Lately I've been feeling all watered down and my wind is all full of sails again. Then I say hey, I've got a bunch of cool stuff I gotta do. Then it's like I can't do enough, or see enough, or destroy enough. Always its the polar opposites biting each other on the ass.
But I gotta say after everything, all the trouble I been getting into I feel wiser, and more confident and just better, all around better. It has less to do with with any one person or event that the whole shiny spectrum of crap I've gotten myself into.
I don't mean I'm going out looking for trouble, I just kind meet it half way, and shake hands with it and let trouble order me a mixed drink, and a shot, or one, or two, or five.