I just wanted to add SOMTHING to this whole suicide blog club thing.
If I had been called to the guidence office I would have torn some shit up. Though, I know that they are probably well meaning.
I know that our blogs are on the internet and anyone can read them, thats a given-- thats the point. I think that the thing that is getting us most angry is not that THEY are reading our blogs--but because were having our intelligence--and our emotional intelligence insulted. Yeah, we kind of feel like our privacy is invaded (understatement) but thats the way it is. As a group, I don't think there is anyone who would want to commit suicide less. We know the effect that it has on on us. Telling us we perhaps don't know what we are talking about it pretty damn hurtful. I wish I could elaborate but I have to get ready for another glorious day of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a midnight procrastination blog:
My friends, they are very--intelligent, creative, and expressive. (stop laughing)
Most of them don't realize it, anyway; and if they do, they don't utilize their gifts to their capacity.
I'm surrounded with potential poets, artists, and people who are just really good at being a friend. But--I dunno what I'm saying exactly--they kind of squander their talent.
Take me, for example. I believe that I could be a wonderful friend, someone who listens to friends and gives advice, someone to be there for you when things suck.
It really gives me great joy to help people out, but I don't do it. I've never really been there for someone who needs me. I just sit in my dark little corner of the universe and rant about how the world owes me, though I know it owes me nothing. I squander my joy, on sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hating everything in the world.
--Another example of squander would be this really great poet I know. This poet wastes time on writing poems about really assholes who have no heart or intelligence and aren't worth the time it takes to write a poem. Now, I know that being a poet and all its a given that you write how you feel, but--I dunno what I'm saying again-- maybe one should take the time to really realize that the assholes aren't worth it, and that there are more worthwhile things in the world.
--Yet another example of someone who could bless the world with innumerable gifts is that person who has interest in politics, changing the world that thoughtless people abuse. This person has the capability and intelligence to really make a difference but wastes their time in front of some video screen, lamenting for a cheating whorebeast ex.
-----yeah, well I know I'm just some sort of fluffy idealist, though I didn't write this to mould you all into my ideals--I know, who am I to say.... I just wanted to get people thinking about their true potential. What you can do to make your own lives, and the lives of others suck less. I know that if I were a better friend-- if my friends could express themselves in healthy ways--stop burnin ourselves up in our own self-doubt... It would just be a better world for me. I think that my friends are THE most important people/things/alien lifeforms in my life--the only people I can really trust--depend on.
Well I dunno what else to say--I better stop digging myself out of a hole. My New Years Resolution was to better myself, To make my life worth living, to make everything not suck for others. I really feel like I best be making some changes fast, cause sometimes I feel like my mind is all crumbling away.

dance last night was okay..
I'm gonna feel dirty for a long time, I danced with Darren--not saying he is dirty-- I'm saying that the way I danced was dirty, lol
-- I enjoyed it thoroughly!
Today was pretty boring, I should have done one of my many reports-- I'm such a loser. Instead I vegetated at Jimmeh's house and then went to the chocolate lovers fantasy festival. There wasn't any damn fantasy!
There werent any buff male strippers pouring chocolate sauce over their hot bodies, and there wasn't any chocolate pudding wrestling. I mean, what a damn rip off. I think Christa found a new passion in barbershop music, lol.

I fucking hate today.
I hated yesterday and I'll hate tomorrow too.
There's just been too much time, so much opporotunity for me to just sit think about bullshit.
I'm finding it progressively harder to believe in my friends or my family, that all leads to me not believing in myself.
Lonely, bloody lonely,
....bloody bullshit.

lately...we all suffer, boring blog syndrome. This is the most boring blog ever don't read it:
" Today I did some really boring mediocre things. My life is boring and that sucks. Last night I had a dream I was a tree. I did somthing really cool last night but I'm not gonna bother explaining it because I'm tired from dancing at the sucky dramatic dance. I think that you people are mean and suck and should stop being mean. I'm sick of being surrounded by stupid people. I think people need to stop using clorox cause its all patriarchal and stuff, down with the man! The movie the other night was cool, that guy was so hot."
There, take that! I'm really gonna blog now that I've gotten warmed up---wait a second I just forgot what I was gonna blog. Godamnit!

.. yeah I've had a dream like that before--Those kinds are brilliant. Whenever I dream about my prince charming (too bad he doesn't exist!) Its quite an experience. The emotions that those dreams inspire, transcend everything I know to be love, and everything I know to be lust. Its not hearthrobbing lovesickness or orgasmic whatnots...(ROFL!). ummm...It trancends any sort of physical or mental perceptions that I had. The sensation itself its like being desperately thirsty, but you couldn't possibly drink another drop. Its like being drunk, intoxicated, with a sense of giddyness and elation. You feel shrouded in light--a halo. It all originated from the heart--in that general vicinity. In my experience my heart felt so heavy, it felt like it would crush my chest. It was exquisite, sensing that for the first time, the love I felt was sincere. ------Yep, It was all warm and fluffy like a blanky fresh from the dryer. It's like when I walk into a chinese food buffet... but you wouldn't understand that.... lol. Now I feel really corny stuff.. bleh.
But I'm pround this rant is devoid of the word feeling that word just makes my flesh crawl.

Yay! dreams are fun. I'm gonna be an irritating li'l copycat and post dream stuff.
ahem.. heres a dream you can analyze for me for fun:
I was on some sort of outing. It was some sort of girlscout, or church (I'm not affiliated with either). We were hiking through a field. It was during a transitional season, and all of the grass was gold colored cause it was dead. I saw the most amazing thing ever-- a tree--lol. But it wasn't ordinary tree, it was giant, I mean huge. It was an oak tree on top of a large grass covered mound. It was bleached completely white by sunlight and age. At the base of the mighty tree were smaller berch trees. They were all dead, lying on the ground arranged in a circle around the tree like a wall. I split from the group. I had it in my mind that it was my destiny to go up to the tree. I separated from the group but nobody cared-they ignored me cause im weird, and because they were preps. I cerimoniously climbed up the hill and stood before the tree and saw everything. It was strange and silent the trees gave off ghostly vibes but everything around was golden and blue.

---Thats all of the dream-- Tell me what it means or I'll stick a fork in your eye!

Oh wow. The anger, oh the anger, oh I am so angry.

My tonsils, my tonsils, I'm gonna hunt down and obliterate the filthy human who has passed on his filthy strep-throat!
Oh the pain! How dare you wake the sleeping giants with your filthy human bacteriousness!
And you, who mocks the grotesque nature of the puss filled, blistered tonsils; I will smite thee as well!
OMG Buster just vomited in the other room. Haa funny!