...I.. I woke up this morning...I..squinted out..out... the window and to my dismay..
everything white, everything white...
Covered in spite and evil in powdered form..
O! THE RELENTLESS ASSAULTS UPON THE HOPEFULNESS AND VITALITY OF MY SOUL
BY THAT VILE, SMOTHERING, MALEVOLENT, THING THAT THEY CALL SNOW!

I'm now a compulsive blog reader....
I check blogs then check them again because I dun remember that I did it.
Its pretty sad because no one updates often anymore...
YAWN

I'm a Loser
someday though I'd like to say, I'm not a Loser, I tried! I'm a Failure!!

I'm glad I don't have any insignificant other to snivel about all damn day.
Yeah, my life is so empty...(you'll see that without a neglectful boyfriend I have plenty to whine about)
I'm not lonely though, I have my homeworks to keep me company.
I'm gonna be forming an even closer relationship with my school books as soon as my momma finds I'm failing sociology.
I think I'm probably gonna be bitchy the next couple of weeks, have a lot of guilt and a lot of stress and shame.
I know I'll be patronized and degraded by the resident hobo, and bob.
....and when they ask me, "what the hell is wrong?-- why do my grades suck ass?.
God, I don't know what to say. I hate excuses, I don't believe in them, nothing is good enough to say.
Was I tired?-yes-verymuch so.
Burdened with other work--yes. I was preoccupied witha few insubstantial things that any well adjusted 11th grade student should be able to handle.
Lazy? I still can't determine if it was lazy. I know I procrastinated but I did work on the assignments I turned in.. yet..
yeah I'm lazy, but I firmly believe that I cannot write.
I can't write your stupid five pages of forgettable bull-shit.
I cannot, for the life of me, compose a paragraph of 5-7 sentences that convey complete thoughts, or focus on a single topic.
The Stupid things: conformity of language, stringent verbal constipation...... When It comes down to it, I really can't write things I don't care about.
I don't care about anything so how can I write?

I have no job, no extracirricular activities, not involved with any substantial social organization,don't do housework, have very few friends, and I'm not brilliant and my parents aren't rich.
Missing everything that would--for those lovely average people-- make my life "worth living" everything that would make me succesful.

A loser and outcast for life.

I find it very sad that I don't know how to make my life better...

I need to turn myself around. I keep on feeling like I owe it to myself to do well. But I just can't keep myself going.
I feel like I need to make a change in the world. Where the hell am I gonna start?
I can't make a change at home, what makes me thing I can do anything anywhere else.
I need to start my junior project soon... err NOW.. so uh, someone remind me to do that so I don't fail this year.
There are so many problems, so many stupid things clogging my mind, all terrible burdens that I can't say, I can't burden you with.
so many things I want to do, but I'm paralyzed with fear.
---The bottom line here is that I'm lazy, and distracted.

My worst fear in life is ending up living in this town the rest of my life, as a cashier at costa's and married to some fucking shit hobo...
So why the fuck am I not doing anything? Why?
--------------count the times I say "Its time for change"
Just how long will it take me to do it?

Salute Your Shorts! You enjoy camping out with yer
buddies and playing tricks on your camp
counselors. Watch out for Zeek the Plumber


What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! Be the first kid on your block to download an anti-war protest song!
Bloody Anarchists, Those Damn Anarchists!
How I love them so!

Long ago coronations (crowning) of rulers was a huge, like really huge thing. People back in the day believed that their rulers were chosen by god and and "divine right" to the throne. On these exciting days, the rich and cleanly went to the local church or the palace to witness God's hand placing the responsibility of running the country on the new king or queen. Nobody had any beef with it. It was accepted that God's plan would work through the new ruler of the land.
---------But what about Burger King?
Was this mighty sovereign of hamburgdom ever coronated? Wouldn't it be silly if Burger King just waltzed around claming to be God's right hand patty flippin man but was not really a king at all? But what if Burger King was in fact the Primary Crowned Head of Burger?
If Burger King is in fact king, why is this Lord-and-Father-of-Fattening-Fast-foods serving us insted of us serving him?
--- Was that Jesus himself who asked "do you want fries with that?"

Today I went to the Galleria mall in Buffalo. Its a very big mall, and It has fancy lower upperclass stores. I love hot topic, but I'm kind of disenchanted with it all because I believe that Its just tapped into the mainstream too much. Theres just so much fad crap there... whatever-- not that important. Today, I have seen the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life. In fact, just about everyone there was beautiful, save for me. I was the only person in the whole mall wearing a frumpy grey sweatshirt with no print. But for once in my life I didn't feel like an ant. Everyone wore black leather coats, and had fake blonde highlight hair--especially in Abercrombie and Fitch--never seen so many in one place in my life!!!! Me and xa were wandering around like morons. I stare in awe at everything, like I've never seen a sixty-dollar tank top in my life. I took the time to look down from the second floor upon the ants that walk beneath me. Are they really people? there are so many of them, they all look the same, dress the same, and all look like they know where they are going. I probably didn't look like I knew where I was going because I was enraptured by the shinyness, tha newness of all the fancy merchandise-- I looked everywhere at everything, in every direction at every person. God, Ive been cooped up in this little hick town for so long.. But being at the mall made me feel good to be different for once. It sounds so stupid, but I seemed to be the only one at the mall who would laugh, question the price of goods poor childeren sow up in sweatshops in third world countries, point and stare. All the little ants, march to abercrombie, all the little ants march to hot topic, all the little ants march to aeropastle.......Naya the giant grey cloud rambles to the far end, and to the near end and to the rear end of the mall.
you cannot hold a candle to my conflagration of blazing insanity!

You're too tired to be bothered with smiling,but
you're too nice to be really mean when people
are annoying you.You look tired,but you at
least try to seem happy.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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My friends are everything to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they mean the same to you.
Its an understatement to say that my family life is not too strong. So I rely on you as a supplement or a surrogate of a family.
I know I can talk to you, and you will understand.
It hurts me though to hear you say that you have nothing left. I know how hard it is to deal with thoughts, and feelings and all the crap that scrambles your mind--But I'd like to think that you had me, at least, to depend on. That probably sounds selfish, or egotistal or somthin but I've always thought that It goes both ways. That you would be here for me. But to think that you don't even consider me.. feels kind of like betrayal. I'm not talking about any specific person beacause I've felt this way a couple times, especially with my good friend Chris.
It also hurts to hear-- to see that you are in pain. I'd like to be able to do anything I can for you. It would ease my mind to do somthing, no matter how small. But if you don't want to share, I'll respect that, I guess thats somthing I can do.
Another thing that is quite irksome is when friends (or-so called friends) are backstabbing each other, or just being selfish and inconsiderate.
You are my oasis from all of the shittly people and the things they do. I can't stand it when they do such stupid things: "oh your so stupid you got like a 90% on your english test while I got a 100%, don't you ever study?" Or how about this one " OMG you hang out with XXXXX.. god he is gay, you must be too." or " Jesus, she is one gigantic tub-o-lard and still likes YuGiOh, god, why doesn't she watch real anime"and "what a poser.." -- (perhaps not good examples but you understand.)

-----------I've been taking so much time to write this I kind of uh..forgot what I was trying to say.. well anyway there is only one real important thing I have to say.
I love you all very much. ---Fluffy, yeah, but true.

You are Auron. Wo0t.


Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
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Here's a charming little folk song that I'm sure most of you have learned during your horribly misguided childhood.

First you're sick and then you're worse
And then it's time to call the hearse...

Don't you laugh when a hearse goes by
for you may be the next to die.
They wrap you in a big white sheet
that covers you from head to feet.
They put you in a big black box,
and cover you with dirt and rocks.
And all goes well for about a week,
and then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
the worms play pinochle in your snout.
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
One of the worms that's not so shy,
Crawls in your liver and out one eye.
They call their friends and their friends' friends, too,
They'll make a horrid mess of you!
Your stomach turns a slimy green
and puss squirts out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread,
that's what you eat when you are dead.

...Your eyes fall out, your teeth decay
A rotten end to a lovely day!

Find your Realm of Influence at SailorOrion.com



Such a lovely day... I wanted to strip naked and run through the fields. I would have too, but I got sleepy and crashed on the couch, with visions of nuclear war in my head. Such lovely, lovely, days--these days of American Freedom and Justice, patriots, war hawks, glory, bombings, God..
I hope all the nasty war making people just die-- just kill themselves off. And leave me and people like me who are too stupid to make war- opression, crime, and mass-murder, and too intelligent to get involved in war, opression, crime and mass-murder.
I just want peace, weather warm enough to run around half naked, and love. Yeah that'd be nice..

I'm your friend, whats this"something else i have created around me" stuff?
Ah, I'm a figment of your imagination? Well you could just as easily be a figment of mine.
I digress-- I'm being silly...
I understand this whole, haunting, undead childhood memories thing--such a pain.
Its not funny, but it causes me to look at pain, and sadness in such a twisted way, It makes me laugh. Thats how I keep my sanity, I just laugh...
I remember reading somewhere this lady said somthing along the lines of: "Its hard to develop a personality when you have to keep remembering to forget." You have to stray away from your own imagination because of what nasty little things haunt it. Its hard to stay true to yourself when you have to deny everything else around you and everything that reminds you of somthing awful...----I don't know exactly how that all went but maybe you can formulate some vague Idea of what I'm talking about. The first quote is exact though, I think its most important. Anyway, this lady is a successful cartoonist, in spite of the horrible things that plagued her mind.
What I'm trying to say here I guess is to look for somthing better. I'm trying to look forward to the future, because it must be better than whats behind me, at least its somthing to hope for.
You can also be constructive with the shit that was thrown your way. I use my experiences to try and help people no matter how boring and confusing I think my advice may be. I also put all of my good thoughts on paper so I have somthing to look at to remember good things.
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I just think I sound sooooo fluffy.. myarrr.
If anyone has troubles you can talk to me. Just like I'd like to talk to you. Yeah, we can trade troubles like baseball cards.

YAY! This was the best weekend ever (if the best means extremely boring)! What is it that is missing from my empty little life?
Oh well, no time to think about that, its time to draw draw draw!

Today I went to thrift shops and an antique shop and I got two scarves.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the night drawing, and drawing and drawing.....
I have no life --not that I'm complaining.

Vampire Goth -- Perhaps the closest to the
"lolo goth," you are morbid and
dreary. You like to make people feel
uncomfortable around you, and you're happiest
when going to a highly public place with enough
friends who share your interests to make
massive crowds shifty. You have an unusual
liking to blood.


Which Gothic Stereotype Are You?
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Ah.. Who would have ever guessed? I'd rather be a Eurotrash Cyber Goth, but I dunno the first thing about computers.
I wear my bat wings on the inside....

Speaking of slacking on my bloggin, I've been slacking on my webpage.
Go visit: Panda Priestess to have a very Naya experience!
Go to the friends page and see all of the nasty things I've posted about your asses!
I'll even give you a lazy little bitch link to the friends page: Friends!

You never realize just how many people read your blog until you don't update anymore. A whole two people asked about it. Thats a whole heck of a lot more than I thought there were! Cheers to all the faithful readers!

Yesterday morning Bob The Almighty issued this command to Bon The Freaking Stupid: "....WASH YOUR FACE IN THE SHOWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON..".Oh but he used such a commanding voice, such imperial tone! Deathly serious, Like someone had shoved a red-hot corncob up his regal rear end. It was as if the lowly Bon had broken the very rule-- the very law that holds the universe together. Lord Bob save us! What terrible, awful transgression Bon had comitted by washing her face when she should very well have known that Lord Bob-The Alpha and The Omega- hadn't had his bathroom time. I could not help laughing at Lord Bob's decree, and being the disgraceful little shit I am--I laughed at Bob. Yes, me and Bon had ourselves a hearty laugh and reflected--mocked-- his sentaments with all of the exact same sincerity he threw at us!
Oh, but I do feel dreadful sorry. Bob is right, always always right. So I had to help Bon upstairs because she is too dumb to remember how to climb them. Right foot, and then left foot, up the stairs--Like a normal person. After that Bon decided to have breakfast like normal people. But we had to ask God.. err Bob how bowls are used, and what bowls are, and how to utilize a spoon like normal people. We just pointed and laughed at the King and his beady weasle eyes glowed with hatred. His mouth became as small as a mouse turd then suddenly bellowed "YEAH YOUR NOT GONNA THINK ITS FUNNY IN A SECOND" weilding a dog leash--ready to snap the metal end right in our faces. He would have to, because we just kept laughing, but momma suggested he take the hell beast out for a walk. As soon as Bob was out the door me and bon threatened to beat each other with canes because we are both so stupid. I'm glad that boy is my brother, with his well-meaning threats of physical violence, he really straightens out Bon The Freaking Stupid and I--Naya The Slowest Fucking Retard. Why I'm so stupid that I don't know what I'm writing. I'm surprised I can write at all? What is writing, who am I? Oh well back to my happy life as a normal stupid person!

Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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"Real" Care Bear: See what Care Bear you are.

Mononoke Hime
haritsumeta yumi no furueru tsuru yo
tsuki no hikari ni zawameku omae no kokoro
togisumasareta yaiba no utsukushii
sono kissaki ni yoku nita sonata no yokogao
kanashimi to ikari ni hisomu
makoto no kokoro wo shiru wa mori no sei
mononoke-tachi dake mononoke-tachi dake
Princess Mononoke
The beauty of a sharpened blade
Thy profile looks very much like that sword point.
Lurking in the sadness and anger
The only ones who know your true heart are the forest spirits
Only the spirits, only the spirits...

---- Naya Has the Crazies!! ------------------------------------------------------
myarph.. I can't believe I'm blogging this.--eh maybe I can. You see I need to write this here, I want certain people to know...
After a year and some months or consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I need professional help.
Only recently I have gained the intelligence to realize--to compose why I believe I need it.
First of all: I should have gone to a counsilor back when I was a kid, when I was first asked if I needed help. Since then I've had a bunch of crap on piled on my mind like dog turds in the back yard. But then again- I was just a kid, and after the first terrifying experience--spainish inquisition-- I never wanted to go back--I needed to protect myself which leads me to my--
second point: I am throughly convinced I've developed a series of phobias that effect my way of life. Not only that, I believe I have some really bad anxiety disorder. The other day I was listening to the radio and some lady on a commercial says, " do you have frequent fears of failing, of dying, of losing control.Do you cry often or easily, are you afraid that you can never live the life you want, that you are being sucked into a black vortex of never ending doom? (I embellish, I cant remember quite what was asked.) Are you constantly worried about friends or family? etc. I says to the radio " yes, yes, yes, yes,no,yes,yes,only on mondays,yes"."Ha" I think, "all those yesses, thats kind of funny, lol"
--"If you answer "Yes" to four or more of these questions, you may have anxiety disorder. "Oh, shit" I thinks,"I answered, like, double that."
Oh, then I was reading in my health book symptoms of anxitey disorders and such and I'm all like:"Shit again"-- Confirming what I had previously theorized.
Third Point:I figured for a long time that I had somthing wrong with me, that I was all annoyed and uptight for some reason. I believe that talking about all of it will help relieve the crap in my mind--a pooper scooper for my soul!
But seriously folks, I think that its my responsibily to get myself together. Like some sort of milestone of growing up-- like getting ones license, like getting confirmed by the church, like taking on responsibility for ones transgressions, getting a job-- but I havn't done any of these things-- I'm afraid of doing it. I figure that I have to start here--getting help. If I actually do get help--If I'm brave enough-- I'll be prouder of myself than I ever have been in my life.
........You see, I can't think of anything more terrifying than going to get counciling, just thinking about it makes me shiver, choke back tears, run around like a chicken with its head cut off. If I conquer this fear it would be an extreme triumph. I know its not gonna be easy, probably not fun, but I feel I need to do it. Cause underneath being deathly terrified, and apprehensive I'm very excited about the benifits, and the possiblities.
---- You must be thinking I'm silly or somthing. This has nothing to do with the blogger or school. I wouldn't go through the school to get help because they are prying evil bastards.
---Please post your thoughts on this. But whatever you do don't speak a word of this out loud. Its not that I care if everyone knows. I care if bob and the old man knew. If you tell them I will be very hurt and excommunicate you for the rest of my life--I'm not joking.