Friday, July 11, 2008
What I did on My Summer Vacation
by Naya
Room 101, 3rd period English
Brian and I went with Christa and Sterling to celebrate The Fouthajuly like a true 'Mercans in Niagara Falls, Canada. The drive up there is mind numbing, it takes forever and you run through mostly uninteresting villages. I'm not saying I don't like scenic drives in the country but oh mah gawd..
I've already been to Buffalo twice in the past couple of weeks with my grandparents to pick up and drop off my uncle at the airport.
Did you know there was a man by the name of Cornelius that lived in Machias that's been pushing up daisies for at least 10 years by now? I didn't knew I cared but my G'pa makes it a point to tell us every time we pass that village.
The worst part about the drive is coming home. Ever since my father drove us into a ditch and almost in front of a train, I've had this horror of the driver falling asleep at the wheel and making me die.
by Naya
Room 101, 3rd period English
Brian and I went with Christa and Sterling to celebrate The Fouthajuly like a true 'Mercans in Niagara Falls, Canada. The drive up there is mind numbing, it takes forever and you run through mostly uninteresting villages. I'm not saying I don't like scenic drives in the country but oh mah gawd..
I've already been to Buffalo twice in the past couple of weeks with my grandparents to pick up and drop off my uncle at the airport.
Did you know there was a man by the name of Cornelius that lived in Machias that's been pushing up daisies for at least 10 years by now? I didn't knew I cared but my G'pa makes it a point to tell us every time we pass that village.
The worst part about the drive is coming home. Ever since my father drove us into a ditch and almost in front of a train, I've had this horror of the driver falling asleep at the wheel and making me die.
So anyway the falls were great, they absolutely thrill me every time I'm there. I pretty much hated everything else in the Niagara Falls location especially the Clifton Hill area. It's places like that that make me despair for humanity. What a heap of trash. I guess that's all I'm gonna say about that because I should probably dwell on the good things.
Christa and Sterling have some friends in Canada, we met them at the falls and they really seem like our kinda people in a general sense but more like Christa and Sterling's kind of people. Like a bizzaro Canadian Christa and Sterling if I may be so bold. ..
I didn't really get a chance to talk to them because of the constant flurry of esoteric Ragnarok discussion. It was mostly my problem, I just didn't know what to say even after enjoying a couple drinks. But it all went well. Brian was really excited to jump on that Ragnarok train. I rather prefer not to get deep into anything RPG anymore. Sworn off RPG's for life after Final Fantasy 12. Yeah I know, I completed Lost Odyssey last month. But that was it I swear....
My Taekwon Chippy is totally cute
kicking shit is fun
Saturday, July 05, 2008
I love Pandora
Check it out you probably will love it too.
It's s thingy where you type in your favorite band name and then it makes up a play list of songs that you might like by different bands. It's based on the style of song, tone of the vocal lead and other such factors.
On the day I discovered it I'm all like "Pandora is my new Jesus". I told my mother about this and she is all like "so they just sort you, and categorize you, that's not the way to listen to music."
I'm like uh well.. I know it's kinda lame like that.. and man I'm a tool.. all extruded and pooped out... BUT IT'S SO COOL!
Look you joy kill. I like music. I don't have a scene, but I prefer it that way.
How can this bored provincial find some new tunes that really speak to my soul?
a surrogate for having cool friends, pooping out a play list--
Call it what you will it just works for me.
Check it out you probably will love it too.
It's s thingy where you type in your favorite band name and then it makes up a play list of songs that you might like by different bands. It's based on the style of song, tone of the vocal lead and other such factors.
On the day I discovered it I'm all like "Pandora is my new Jesus". I told my mother about this and she is all like "so they just sort you, and categorize you, that's not the way to listen to music."
I'm like uh well.. I know it's kinda lame like that.. and man I'm a tool.. all extruded and pooped out... BUT IT'S SO COOL!
Look you joy kill. I like music. I don't have a scene, but I prefer it that way.
How can this bored provincial find some new tunes that really speak to my soul?
a surrogate for having cool friends, pooping out a play list--
Call it what you will it just works for me.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Lately I've been taking a few minutes here and there to take a closer look at the candidates and really learn about their history, who their friends are, and who they really are as people.
Does this candidate have what it takes to pull this country through this war and failing economy?
Does this candidate really have my best interests at heart?
Who looks best in a swimsuit. (you probably wouldn't guess Bob Barr, but I would! ;D)
I watch CNN, and often times I'll browse forums to get some down to earth real opinions from real people. I've even glanced at the cover of Obama's biography like, probably, a couple times.
But to get the most out of my time I really need to ask myself
The questions that really matter:
Does this candidate have what it takes to pull this country through this war and failing economy?
Does this candidate really have my best interests at heart?
Who looks best in a swimsuit. (you probably wouldn't guess Bob Barr, but I would! ;D)
Obligations to my publishing company Battlescabs Ltd. requires me to post this dumb ad.
What do you think McCain is hiding in his cheek?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
You haven't heard from me in a while
now have you...
I've been constantly busy, the way adults talk about being consumed with work, trying to organize time.
Nurses Aide Training for the last three weeks and working at Subway too.
I don't feel like myself walking around in the hospital.
------------
I'm having a lot of difficulty expressing myself lately.
My head is all underwater and it takes a while for the words to float their way to the surface.
I'd like to feel like maybe my concise way of speaking was charming. I think it's just annoying.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Lindt Gold Bunnies are almost too cute to eat.
In all seriousness, I've had this thing in my fridge for a month and I could not bring myself to bite into it until I had this debilitating chocolate fit. I even bought myself a box of snack cakes to keep me from eating this thing's face. Bun-Bun would rather be warm and cozy in my stomach than spend another day in the freezer--At least I'd like to rationalize it like that.
After all these weeks of casual flirting, we were finally alone. I pulled him close to me and slipped my slim fingers under it's delicate, little red bow. I tugged it gently over his head. The thought that my cravings would be utterly satisfied by him, caused my anticipation to rise to an unbearable limit. I savagely tore the golden flesh from his body and sunk my teeth into his creamy darkness.
R.I.P.
Here lies Golden Bunny he was tasty.
Right now Cadbury and Lindt are waging an epic war to win supremacy over my heart.
In all seriousness, I've had this thing in my fridge for a month and I could not bring myself to bite into it until I had this debilitating chocolate fit. I even bought myself a box of snack cakes to keep me from eating this thing's face. Bun-Bun would rather be warm and cozy in my stomach than spend another day in the freezer--At least I'd like to rationalize it like that.
After all these weeks of casual flirting, we were finally alone. I pulled him close to me and slipped my slim fingers under it's delicate, little red bow. I tugged it gently over his head. The thought that my cravings would be utterly satisfied by him, caused my anticipation to rise to an unbearable limit. I savagely tore the golden flesh from his body and sunk my teeth into his creamy darkness.
R.I.P.
Here lies Golden Bunny he was tasty.
Right now Cadbury and Lindt are waging an epic war to win supremacy over my heart.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Don't want to talk about politics
Don't preach or talk about politics
Don't let me talk about politics
Don't give a shit about politics
Awww here it goes!
So.. have you been following the nation's biggest popularity contest?
I waste about 30 minutes a day watching election news on CNN; it tells me nothing.
The coverage of every insignificant detail of these presidential campaigns is absurd.
I don't care what "The best political team on televison" has to say about anything because their omipresent opinions are about as valuable as the opinons of people who leave their comments on YouTube Caturday videos. I learn more about the candidates browsing Fark for 10 minutes.
But I must admit I haven't done any serious research. So far I just assume that NONE of the candidates could best serve my interests. It just seems to me that the Democrats and the Republicans are two sides of the same coin. The Democrats want to control your money and the Republicans want to control your mind ( to spout out some spiffy Libertarian catch-phrases).
If I had to pick a side I would have to pick the Democrats because I'm a scabby, crusty recipient of food stamps and I don't know if the Republicans would support my right to be a worthless parasite.
Don't know what else to say so I'll just end this lesson with an quote from Skeletor that is irrelevant to what I was talking about:
We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war. - Ann Coulter
Don't preach or talk about politics
Don't let me talk about politics
Don't give a shit about politics
Awww here it goes!
So.. have you been following the nation's biggest popularity contest?
I waste about 30 minutes a day watching election news on CNN; it tells me nothing.
The coverage of every insignificant detail of these presidential campaigns is absurd.
I don't care what "The best political team on televison" has to say about anything because their omipresent opinions are about as valuable as the opinons of people who leave their comments on YouTube Caturday videos. I learn more about the candidates browsing Fark for 10 minutes.
But I must admit I haven't done any serious research. So far I just assume that NONE of the candidates could best serve my interests. It just seems to me that the Democrats and the Republicans are two sides of the same coin. The Democrats want to control your money and the Republicans want to control your mind ( to spout out some spiffy Libertarian catch-phrases).
If I had to pick a side I would have to pick the Democrats because I'm a scabby, crusty recipient of food stamps and I don't know if the Republicans would support my right to be a worthless parasite.
Don't know what else to say so I'll just end this lesson with an quote from Skeletor that is irrelevant to what I was talking about:
We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war. - Ann Coulter
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Today I went to church at the G-Tab with a friend of mine. The Gospel Tabernacle is a tremendously huge church where people worship eccentrically, possessed with the Holy Spirit, run up and down the aisles with streamers and hankies, raise their hands to touch the Glory, dance and weep and speak in tongues.
--
From my vantage point in the back of the sanctuary, I wasn't able to get a good view all of the passionate praise and jubilation at the front. Even as I tried to have an open mind, and tried to not point and stare, I can't help my juvenile impulse to laugh at these "Holy Rollers,". It's easy to think of these people as mere objects of extreme hilarity. But as I found out, these people aren't just religious crazies, they are people I would have considered, based on appearances alone, to be normal townsfolk.
I mean, what did I expect!? Of course with a town this small and a church that big of course I'm gonna run into people I know. It's kind of hard to explain my sense of awe at seeing people I encounter on a daily basis acting like complete raving lunatics. It's as surreal as a dream where you're fixing a go-cart with your ex-landlord.
I won't mention who it was , but I was very surprised at this one individual who spontaneously interrupted the preacher with an entire Biblical passage not 2 minutes after a woman all in a frenzy over Christ, ran up an stage stamping her feet and growling like some kinda cow-dog.
Maybe I should be ashamed for laughing at something I just don't understand. The feeling of that kind of passion, that will make you abandon all vanity, and self-awareness is rarely something I realize. It makes me a little sad that I just don't understand these things; that sometimes I think that I've never loved anything, or have been so moved by something to get swept away.
It's just one of those things that makes me stop wondering why people would ever want to be involved in religion.
Amen.
--
From my vantage point in the back of the sanctuary, I wasn't able to get a good view all of the passionate praise and jubilation at the front. Even as I tried to have an open mind, and tried to not point and stare, I can't help my juvenile impulse to laugh at these "Holy Rollers,". It's easy to think of these people as mere objects of extreme hilarity. But as I found out, these people aren't just religious crazies, they are people I would have considered, based on appearances alone, to be normal townsfolk.
I mean, what did I expect!? Of course with a town this small and a church that big of course I'm gonna run into people I know. It's kind of hard to explain my sense of awe at seeing people I encounter on a daily basis acting like complete raving lunatics. It's as surreal as a dream where you're fixing a go-cart with your ex-landlord.
I won't mention who it was , but I was very surprised at this one individual who spontaneously interrupted the preacher with an entire Biblical passage not 2 minutes after a woman all in a frenzy over Christ, ran up an stage stamping her feet and growling like some kinda cow-dog.
Maybe I should be ashamed for laughing at something I just don't understand. The feeling of that kind of passion, that will make you abandon all vanity, and self-awareness is rarely something I realize. It makes me a little sad that I just don't understand these things; that sometimes I think that I've never loved anything, or have been so moved by something to get swept away.
It's just one of those things that makes me stop wondering why people would ever want to be involved in religion.
Amen.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
I've been going crazy for the past week because my computer is non-functional.
I miss my Fark, and celebrity news, and keeping up with my Internet buddies.
I've been meaning to clean this blog up, it's a total mess-- MySpace too, but I don't want to hog my Christa's computer forever.
------------------------------------
Living without the Internet is tough, living without video games is even worse. Since my Hunny took up DOA 4 I can't get no Viva Pinata, or Katamari or anything except Tekken sometimes.
So no digital entertainments...
Last Saturday I went to the Library, THE LIBRARY! Can you imagine?
I've been reading this book about Etiquette, which is completely packed with useful info, just learning some very basic things from this book could help me out immensely in social situations, assuming I ever encounter such things in my lonely, lonely life.. ever.. again...
I highly recommend anyone read up on etiquette it's not just how to place your fork and spoon or how to curtsy, but things you could use every day, politeness things that will not only make your life more enjoyable, but make everyday interactions so much nicer.
Then I've been reading Cosmos by Carl Sagan. I don't care wut you say, I fell in love with him from watching a YouTube. It would probably be better for me to just watch the show rather than read the book because it's pretty much the same material. It would be so much easier if I could see a diagram or an animation explaining some of these ideas. So far this is a pretty good read too, it fills in blanks left by my public school educations, limited memory faculties, and things I generally wonder.
Then I got this book about Innumeracy, which I thought at the time would, If I read the book, and focused on helping myself, I could become numerate, but that's not the point of this book I found out. This book called Innumeracy is about how Innumeracy is a more common problem than is realized by educators and such ppl. Innumeracy is supposed to be a primary cause of people believing in luck, in pseudoscience, scams in general, and other such crazuh ideas.
For example some people don't realize just how great a number 1 million is, or a billion or a trillion. Or how their car exhaust could possibly be causing any damage to the ozone layer, how 0.0006% adds up over time. Even though I can't really understand how to do the Math, probabilities and such, there are some pretty thought provoking arguments there.
----
So you can check out Ms. Na-Na Nayners Nannerbannaners the Wannabe Naughty Librarian when she's running across town to the library 15 minutes before close,
cause that's just how she rolls.
I miss my Fark, and celebrity news, and keeping up with my Internet buddies.
I've been meaning to clean this blog up, it's a total mess-- MySpace too, but I don't want to hog my Christa's computer forever.
------------------------------------
Living without the Internet is tough, living without video games is even worse. Since my Hunny took up DOA 4 I can't get no Viva Pinata, or Katamari or anything except Tekken sometimes.
So no digital entertainments...
Last Saturday I went to the Library, THE LIBRARY! Can you imagine?
I've been reading this book about Etiquette, which is completely packed with useful info, just learning some very basic things from this book could help me out immensely in social situations, assuming I ever encounter such things in my lonely, lonely life.. ever.. again...
I highly recommend anyone read up on etiquette it's not just how to place your fork and spoon or how to curtsy, but things you could use every day, politeness things that will not only make your life more enjoyable, but make everyday interactions so much nicer.
Then I've been reading Cosmos by Carl Sagan. I don't care wut you say, I fell in love with him from watching a YouTube. It would probably be better for me to just watch the show rather than read the book because it's pretty much the same material. It would be so much easier if I could see a diagram or an animation explaining some of these ideas. So far this is a pretty good read too, it fills in blanks left by my public school educations, limited memory faculties, and things I generally wonder.
Then I got this book about Innumeracy, which I thought at the time would, If I read the book, and focused on helping myself, I could become numerate, but that's not the point of this book I found out. This book called Innumeracy is about how Innumeracy is a more common problem than is realized by educators and such ppl. Innumeracy is supposed to be a primary cause of people believing in luck, in pseudoscience, scams in general, and other such crazuh ideas.
For example some people don't realize just how great a number 1 million is, or a billion or a trillion. Or how their car exhaust could possibly be causing any damage to the ozone layer, how 0.0006% adds up over time. Even though I can't really understand how to do the Math, probabilities and such, there are some pretty thought provoking arguments there.
----
So you can check out Ms. Na-Na Nayners Nannerbannaners the Wannabe Naughty Librarian when she's running across town to the library 15 minutes before close,
cause that's just how she rolls.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Lord almighty.. I'm just bored. Seriously, I don't know what to do with myself.
I need to get the hell outta town, take a vacation somthing, seriously.
Fucking, cold, fucking snow, goddamn cabin fever...
Yeah and I'm sick of Coudersport townsfolk.
No fuck that, I'm sick of damn near everyone regardless of location.
I'm always being fucking SMOTHERED with stupid.
: (
god-damn! god damn.....
--
All apologies for the lack of eloquence.
I need to get the hell outta town, take a vacation somthing, seriously.
Fucking, cold, fucking snow, goddamn cabin fever...
Yeah and I'm sick of Coudersport townsfolk.
No fuck that, I'm sick of damn near everyone regardless of location.
I'm always being fucking SMOTHERED with stupid.
: (
god-damn! god damn.....
--
All apologies for the lack of eloquence.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Falling asleep at the wheel, Na-Na?
So I been trying to get hooked on fighting the NWO.
I've been acknowledged as one of the Awake.
I'm alone in the Truth.
Or..
I've been curious about what these kids are talking about when they say NWO or Libertarian or Alex Jones.
So I spend a little time every day sifting through articles, watching videos, talking to people, and listening to AJ.
My first objective though is not to prove to myself or disprove any theory or belief, but to sift out the essential bullshit. What seem to be the purest forms of the unprovable, the speculations, fantasy stories, and absolute incorrectness of some claims.
I thought maybe I would call myself Libertarian because I think my values have been shifting in that direction.
link:
(because up is better than down?)
However, mere interest in these ideas and speculations does not make me subject to them.
And..
Stuffing feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
(had to throw that one in there for the kids)
I believe that the government of this country does not serve the needs of it's people.
I think that there is plenty of proof to back this up.
I think that the connections between special interest groups and corporations are ruining the quality of governmental representation.
And..
I think Bohemian Grove is just a wussy farce.
I still have no idea what Libertarian really means or what it would be like to live in that kind of world. I have no idea what I 'm going to do with any of these newly formed opinions about things I never knew I cared about: gun control, mandatory vaccinations, whether schools will let parents decide what their own offspring will learn in school.
It's kind of still a jumbled mess of defending constitutional rights, conspiracy theory, straight-up crazy rantings of dark imaginations.
So it will be a while before I decide what kind of direction I will take, or if I'll be a good fighter for truth--
or if all dismiss it as a load of bull.
Yes.. I'm aware I'm becoming a bore.
It's the Illuminati, I tell you!!!
So I been trying to get hooked on fighting the NWO.
I've been acknowledged as one of the Awake.
I'm alone in the Truth.
Or..
I've been curious about what these kids are talking about when they say NWO or Libertarian or Alex Jones.
So I spend a little time every day sifting through articles, watching videos, talking to people, and listening to AJ.
My first objective though is not to prove to myself or disprove any theory or belief, but to sift out the essential bullshit. What seem to be the purest forms of the unprovable, the speculations, fantasy stories, and absolute incorrectness of some claims.
I thought maybe I would call myself Libertarian because I think my values have been shifting in that direction.
link:
(because up is better than down?)
However, mere interest in these ideas and speculations does not make me subject to them.
And..
Stuffing feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
(had to throw that one in there for the kids)
I believe that the government of this country does not serve the needs of it's people.
I think that there is plenty of proof to back this up.
I think that the connections between special interest groups and corporations are ruining the quality of governmental representation.
And..
I think Bohemian Grove is just a wussy farce.
I still have no idea what Libertarian really means or what it would be like to live in that kind of world. I have no idea what I 'm going to do with any of these newly formed opinions about things I never knew I cared about: gun control, mandatory vaccinations, whether schools will let parents decide what their own offspring will learn in school.
It's kind of still a jumbled mess of defending constitutional rights, conspiracy theory, straight-up crazy rantings of dark imaginations.
So it will be a while before I decide what kind of direction I will take, or if I'll be a good fighter for truth--
or if all dismiss it as a load of bull.
Yes.. I'm aware I'm becoming a bore.
It's the Illuminati, I tell you!!!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
This post is not about church.
So I'll put the whole, "church memoirs" thing on the back burner for a while, or maybe just scrap it all together.
I hadn't thought out what I was trying to say. I was trying to explain a few things I had been thinking about for the past year. Mostly having to do with abandoning all belief in the Christian god, any belief in the supernatural, karma, fate, and the like.
I feel like I'm born again. I feel more hopeful, more challenged, more alive than ever.
I don't feel like I have everything figured out, and I'm glad there are so many things in the world left to know.
But the things I do know, are in my heart, in my mind. My values and my resolve to do what is right for me, these things are all I really have in life. My hopes die, affections die, life dies, everything is so fragile and fleeting, how can I rationally choose to go on living? How can I go on losing my money, and youth, and health and treasured possessions?
How can I go on when I lose the one I love?
I go on living because I believe in what's most important, things that can't be taken from me, bonds that can never be broken. Memories of those who inspired me, the pride of having inspired or helped them in any way. Friendship, learning from each other, helping others to grow. There are many, many ideas, and memories and feelings.
I can take these things and push onward into the future.
So I'll put the whole, "church memoirs" thing on the back burner for a while, or maybe just scrap it all together.
I hadn't thought out what I was trying to say. I was trying to explain a few things I had been thinking about for the past year. Mostly having to do with abandoning all belief in the Christian god, any belief in the supernatural, karma, fate, and the like.
I feel like I'm born again. I feel more hopeful, more challenged, more alive than ever.
I don't feel like I have everything figured out, and I'm glad there are so many things in the world left to know.
But the things I do know, are in my heart, in my mind. My values and my resolve to do what is right for me, these things are all I really have in life. My hopes die, affections die, life dies, everything is so fragile and fleeting, how can I rationally choose to go on living? How can I go on losing my money, and youth, and health and treasured possessions?
How can I go on when I lose the one I love?
I go on living because I believe in what's most important, things that can't be taken from me, bonds that can never be broken. Memories of those who inspired me, the pride of having inspired or helped them in any way. Friendship, learning from each other, helping others to grow. There are many, many ideas, and memories and feelings.
I can take these things and push onward into the future.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
When I was about nine I went to class to learn about First Communion. It was to be the first step in becoming a member of the church. This is when they started to introduce us to some of the doctrine of this particular church. They got into more complex ideas, and told us a little about why we had to do these things. I remember the pastor asking us if we had sinned this week. I couldn't think of a time when I smacked my brother or didn't pick up my barbies when I was told, so I thought I wasn't sinning. The pastor told us that we are all sinners and that we sin every day. He told us something like, that when we sin we were going against what God might want for us. He said something as simple as turning left on a street instead of going right would be a sin. I can't quite remember how he explained it. It was something like if your gut tells us to go right but you feel like taking a joyride on the left street, would be a sin. If you thought about smacking your brother, that would be a sin. If you think about not going to church that would be a sin. I know I'm making the pastor sound like some kind of crazed bible- thumper. But these things were explained at great length in friendly kind of way, not in a fire and brimstone kind of way.
The pastor told us things in a way so that we might understand and I could to some extent. I understood the symbolism of the blood and flesh. I thought it was important to ask for your sins to be forgiven, although I don't think I understood about the point of confession until I was in my teens preparing for Confirmation.
(I just thought of this, but I don't know if it was Confirmation as in being Confirmed a church member, or Conformation as being conformed to a church member. I think It's Confirmation. )
Anyway, we stopped going to church regularly after I did the First Communion thing. We went on Christmas, Easter and Ash Wednesday. I also had to be the Acolyte every couple of months.
When I was Acolyte I would walk up and light the candles, and I would carry the little cups for the blood. I hated that job. Sitting through church was really boring and I hated everyone watching me light the candles and snuff them out. I bet they thought I was SO ADORABLE.
The pastor told us things in a way so that we might understand and I could to some extent. I understood the symbolism of the blood and flesh. I thought it was important to ask for your sins to be forgiven, although I don't think I understood about the point of confession until I was in my teens preparing for Confirmation.
(I just thought of this, but I don't know if it was Confirmation as in being Confirmed a church member, or Conformation as being conformed to a church member. I think It's Confirmation. )
Anyway, we stopped going to church regularly after I did the First Communion thing. We went on Christmas, Easter and Ash Wednesday. I also had to be the Acolyte every couple of months.
When I was Acolyte I would walk up and light the candles, and I would carry the little cups for the blood. I hated that job. Sitting through church was really boring and I hated everyone watching me light the candles and snuff them out. I bet they thought I was SO ADORABLE.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
After Sunday School, Momma would either take me home, or we would have to spend, what seemed like an eternity in church. If you ever had to spend any time at all in church, you know how boring it can be for a kid. I spent church time drawing all over the Kids Bulletin, drawing mustaches on faces and playing tic-tac-toe. I tried to slump down in the pew so nobody would notice if I wasn't kneeling for confession, or standing to sing. Gramma wouldn't let me get away with that though.
Usually every-other Sunday we went for Communion. Everyone lined up to get the "Body of Christ" and "The Blood of Christ". I was to young for communion then, but I went up to kneel like everyone else. The pastor would touch my head and say something like, "Linnea the Lord Blesses you and Keeps you," then he would go on down the line, "Bobby, the Lord Blesses you and Keeps you,". Then momma would get the wine she said tasted just like cough syrup, and the bread that tasted kinda like a vanilla wafer without the vanilla. I always asked about some church thing about every time I went.
"Why do you have to get the bread and wine?"
"What does 'Hosanna in the highest' mean?"
But nothing really ever made that much sense to me.
All the worship, the blessings, the reminders of God's grace were completely lost on me.
As I grew up, I really could have benefited from a better understanding of faith, or an understanding of reality. There was no helping this, there is no way that anyone could have explained these things in a way I could understand. Like Christian beliefs, I had some pretty confusing realities flung at me.
When I was about 8 years old, my dad went on vacation for a year. I had to go live at my Gramma and Grampa's house for a while because Mom was always working late. It was a very comfortable and loving environment. Gramma and Grampa took good care of my brother and sister and I.
But I was a very depressed kid. I didn't know it then of course. I felt sick and tired every day.
I missed being home and all of my familiar things, I missed having friends, and I missed my Mom.
I didn't know why things had to happen this way. I knew how they had happened, which was not an easy burden for a kid like that to bear. But, I didn't know why the Lord would choose to punish me by having me born into this family that was being torn apart. Why did I have to know so much sadness and not my brother or sister, or my friends at school?
I felt so anxious, and sad, and nauseous and restless. I didn't know what was happening to me.
My Grampa used to watch the Buffalo news every night, and there was always a story about AIDS or Cancer killing children. I didn't know how you could catch these things, but I knew that they could kill you, I could catch something.
Because I felt so bad all of the time, I thought that I might have one thing or another. I became convinced that I was going to die. I didn't see any connection between all the stress I was under and the pain I felt. My heart would skip a beat or I would feel like I stopped breathing in my sleep. I would think about My Little Pony, to distract myself with good thoughts. But when I felt like I was at the end of my rope I would pray to the Lord.
I remembered,
"Linnea, the Lord Blesses and Keeps you."
I remembered The Lord's Prayer, and to pray for our sins to be forgiven, for the ultimate goal of being taken to heaven.
I would beg the Lord to please spare my life. I would pray that if I had to die, that I would please go to Heaven, and if there were no other option than death, that he would please not let my Mom and my Gramma be sad forever. I was more upset with the thought of Mom being sad and alone, than I was with the thought of losing my life. If I wasn't already crying at this point I would be when I thought of everyone having to go to my funeral.
I never told anyone how I felt, not back then, not now. I felt this way for a year, and was haunted by the feelings for so much longer. Eventually the feeling lifted. I can't quite remember how. It makes me feel really ungrateful that I would take the feeling of relief for granted. Obviously, I realized that either the Lord had come through for me, or there was nothing really wrong in the first place. It was kind of a combination I suppose. I would feel like I would have to pray sometimes in exchange for keeping me well. But as time went on and I felt confident that I was okay, I stopped praying.
Usually every-other Sunday we went for Communion. Everyone lined up to get the "Body of Christ" and "The Blood of Christ". I was to young for communion then, but I went up to kneel like everyone else. The pastor would touch my head and say something like, "Linnea the Lord Blesses you and Keeps you," then he would go on down the line, "Bobby, the Lord Blesses you and Keeps you,". Then momma would get the wine she said tasted just like cough syrup, and the bread that tasted kinda like a vanilla wafer without the vanilla. I always asked about some church thing about every time I went.
"Why do you have to get the bread and wine?"
"What does 'Hosanna in the highest' mean?"
But nothing really ever made that much sense to me.
All the worship, the blessings, the reminders of God's grace were completely lost on me.
As I grew up, I really could have benefited from a better understanding of faith, or an understanding of reality. There was no helping this, there is no way that anyone could have explained these things in a way I could understand. Like Christian beliefs, I had some pretty confusing realities flung at me.
When I was about 8 years old, my dad went on vacation for a year. I had to go live at my Gramma and Grampa's house for a while because Mom was always working late. It was a very comfortable and loving environment. Gramma and Grampa took good care of my brother and sister and I.
But I was a very depressed kid. I didn't know it then of course. I felt sick and tired every day.
I missed being home and all of my familiar things, I missed having friends, and I missed my Mom.
I didn't know why things had to happen this way. I knew how they had happened, which was not an easy burden for a kid like that to bear. But, I didn't know why the Lord would choose to punish me by having me born into this family that was being torn apart. Why did I have to know so much sadness and not my brother or sister, or my friends at school?
I felt so anxious, and sad, and nauseous and restless. I didn't know what was happening to me.
My Grampa used to watch the Buffalo news every night, and there was always a story about AIDS or Cancer killing children. I didn't know how you could catch these things, but I knew that they could kill you, I could catch something.
Because I felt so bad all of the time, I thought that I might have one thing or another. I became convinced that I was going to die. I didn't see any connection between all the stress I was under and the pain I felt. My heart would skip a beat or I would feel like I stopped breathing in my sleep. I would think about My Little Pony, to distract myself with good thoughts. But when I felt like I was at the end of my rope I would pray to the Lord.
I remembered,
"Linnea, the Lord Blesses and Keeps you."
I remembered The Lord's Prayer, and to pray for our sins to be forgiven, for the ultimate goal of being taken to heaven.
I would beg the Lord to please spare my life. I would pray that if I had to die, that I would please go to Heaven, and if there were no other option than death, that he would please not let my Mom and my Gramma be sad forever. I was more upset with the thought of Mom being sad and alone, than I was with the thought of losing my life. If I wasn't already crying at this point I would be when I thought of everyone having to go to my funeral.
I never told anyone how I felt, not back then, not now. I felt this way for a year, and was haunted by the feelings for so much longer. Eventually the feeling lifted. I can't quite remember how. It makes me feel really ungrateful that I would take the feeling of relief for granted. Obviously, I realized that either the Lord had come through for me, or there was nothing really wrong in the first place. It was kind of a combination I suppose. I would feel like I would have to pray sometimes in exchange for keeping me well. But as time went on and I felt confident that I was okay, I stopped praying.