Lil' Swedish Nayners wishes you a

Merry Christmas!

God Jul .

Ahhh.. Summahtime. Wait, it's almost December! What the Hell..

Oh yeah, happy b-day to me!

So am I like the only person totally psyched about the election results?
Woo!
I live in a bubble so seriously, I don't know.
I do know that I am proud to have participated in the kicking in the ass of mistah Ricky Santorum. Take that mister number two Republican Senator.
Now this guy Bob Casey is king of PA.

I must admit I didn't really research any of the candidates. Honestly, I forget what this House of Representatives, Senate stuff means. I meant to read up on this, something, anything, so I could make an informed decision. But when it came right down to it, I figured I was just gonna vote one way anyway because most of the Republican's causes are irrelevant to me anyway.
So I just pushed the easy button.

There. Done.
I should be proud. I should think of myself as everything right with this democratic system.
I firmly believe that the douchebag on the left should win...or something.
I picked the right team.

A couple weeks ago I found this informational postcard thing lying on the floor.
It was a campaign thingy. On one half was this photo, professionally taken of mister Santorum, he was smiling and there was something going on in the background like a family playing monopoly or whatever families do together these days. On the other half was a smaller picture of mister Bobby standing behind a podium on a kind of overcast day.

It kind of reminded me of this commercial a long time ago
(I'll just go ahead and say it was for Denny's).
This commercial was comparing a nice, hamburger with a large golden bun, generously beefy beef patty, ripe tomatoes, lush green lettuce, and a side of fries, to a rather sad looking, greasy, gray, lump of hamburger with kind of a smashed up bun, from a fast food place like Mc Donald's.
As the only "information" I considered from this election, my image of mister Bobby is that of a greasy gray hamburger. A Santorum burger sure did look more appetizing, but after all it was just propaganda. And we all know what santorum is really...

This town has been Republican since it began being a town, with all the WASP's and rural-ness going on. Signs promoting Santorum in every other yard. I mean santorum everywhere..
(I'm sorry for the terrible jokes, sigh)

Still the Dem's prevailed. Still I doubt it will change anything.
This government is run more like a business than a country.
It's a country, filled with people, millions of people with diverse needs.

I just don't know where all these special interest groups, lobbyists, corporations, giant gluttonous Tetsuo-amoeba-monster conglomerates are going to take this country.
I think that's where all the power is anymore.
Anyway, I would hate to say much more, because like most American's I'm really ignorant of politics.

I was hungry for a peach, but the peaches on the floor were all dirty. I went outside to find a peach tree. I didn't know if they even grew here or if there were any out in November. Or if someone out there was already picking them all.
It didn't take me but a few seconds to spot this giant tree with the most beautiful fruit I have ever seen. Never mind that it was a white pine tree, never mind that I am deathly afraid of heights, I was climbing that fucker to get them beautiful, sweet, nutrient-rich, peaches.
I hastily leaped onto the branches, my clumsy weak arms pulling me upward. I barely noticed the bark scraping my skin raw. I reached out to grab a fruit when I realized not only that it was out of my reach but it was covered in ulcers on one side and it was kind of moldy.
"Poor peachy, I'm not the only one thought you tasty." I reached out to my right, another moldy peach. " Alright it's late in the season, this tree is filled with a ton of fruit I'm sure If I just swing out to that branch there.. and... no."
I looked at the bountiful limbs above me. Shining in the sun, golden peachy goodness.
I climbed with a grace and fearlessness that was completely uncharacteristic for me. I scanned the peaches, all so bad. How could they have teased me all being so nice and prutty on one side and rotten on the other? I noticed that the sun glimmering on the slime, it looked so unnatural. It gave the fruit a kind of holy looking radiance. I thought that if the bad ones still could be lovely what might the good ones look like? I tried to climb some more, but the branches were brittle and they were spaced far apart. It wasn't just a quest for a peach now, it was the quest for the story I would tell about the flawless peach I would find at the highest bows.
Then it ends.
hoo-ray.

This is where my crappy drawings go to die.
----
Note to Self: Spell checker is always a good idea.

I'm feeling a little crispy around the edges.
Not in a bad, burnt toast kind of way.
It's like:
"A delicate aroma, smooth texture, but also crispy around the edges. Well excecuted! 9.5,"
Kind of way...
Regretfully, when I'm bitten into, you will find I'm filled with that nasty fluid inside those cherry cordial chocolates.
---
Not to self: I should take some time to learn how to punctuate.
Because I think I'm starting to care.

Justin: I'm not working here after tonight 'cuz im winning the lottery.
Willy: (munching on a sammich) 50 million dollars is a lot of money.
What would you do with it?
Naya: I would build a castle on the hill and look down on all the people of Coudersport.
I'd be all "look at you in your little trailers and such."
Willy: What ah you kiddin' me? You like it here?
You mustah been born here.
Naya: Haha, yeah..
Willy: I'm from NEW YOK CITTUH!

Chung Hwa Ban Jeom

Right, so, whenever I stop writing for a day or so I totally lose momentum. I have to start over and refer to my first grade spelling book. A is for what again?
Anyway I felt like shit in August, then I felt smothered and then penitent in September and now its like, "fuck-off October". Yeah just like that, I'll paint all of my experiences and feelings in those fucking red and blue and yellow colors I will, yes I will. Just one more color than black and white.
I always thought 'and' should be a color. It would be like when my preschool teacher told me "paisley was a color," fucking paisley, and that's all I can remember from my Montessouri years.
Anyway, "the head forgets while the heart remembers", I made up that tacky saying because that's just how I operate, on short little quips and phrases, " a penny saved is a penny earned," "love is patient love is kind..", "can you hear me now?"
Why does my head not collect and recollect factiful historical information to draw upon when I need direction. I just think what my heart says and it says "loev foerevuur" or"anger anger, kill kill".
Anyway, I'm writing more like my train of thought sounds in my mind than the way I was taught to write in high squell. Therefore, what I'm saying should be making little sense.
----
I am really good now. Just good, not great. I reserve the description great when I go out and do something totally righteous and/or excellent. I've been sitting around too much, and playing videogames to feel wonderful. This is the way I waste the precious hours of my life, I would be fine with this if only this silly, oh so insignificant, oh so small caged tiger in my heart would stop pacing around.
I've been having a hard time finding a balance, I'm adventurous and bold and shy and retiring and all shades in between. Lately I've been feeling all watered down and my wind is all full of sails again. Then I say hey, I've got a bunch of cool stuff I gotta do. Then it's like I can't do enough, or see enough, or destroy enough. Always its the polar opposites biting each other on the ass.
But I gotta say after everything, all the trouble I been getting into I feel wiser, and more confident and just better, all around better. It has less to do with with any one person or event that the whole shiny spectrum of crap I've gotten myself into.
I don't mean I'm going out looking for trouble, I just kind meet it half way, and shake hands with it and let trouble order me a mixed drink, and a shot, or one, or two, or five.

...and, in other news, it snowed in Buffalo.
Oh yeah, and that congressman is a total pedo.
Up next: an interview with Lindsay Lohan's crotch!

holy shit..
what else can I say!
Anyway, I've been feeling pretty good lately.
I get to see all my best friends again *cries*.
Alright.. I'm sorry for being a sap. I feel blessed, YES, Blessed.
How else could I feel, I've been staring into space and making friends with spiders and rolly-polly bugs. Now, I'm not saying my friends are just a little better company than creepy crawlers..
uh, I mean.. well most of them are, but I just miss all the times we had together.
I feel like I got a second chance and I'm not taking a minute of it for granted.
okay now here's where I contradict myself:
I totally need some major hang out-bonding time with fellow members of the female gender.
Now, I adore all of my male friends, but I swear to god I can only take so much of this chat about
computer parts, and videogames, and home theater systems. God please, I'm suffocating.
Nails, hair, makeup, jewelery, clothes, girly things, these things DO concern me at times. I know I'm usually wash and wear natural beauty tomboy type, but this is just too much, gwaaaargh..
I have to catch up on my gossip and damn if I don't have a lot to tell, it's like carrying a loaded gun around, I bloody swear. I'm gonna shoot myself in the foot or somthing.
Somebody save me!

Things are totally shaping up, I do say.
Yeah so, I was all like "Hey lets move ALL the furniture," and Brian is all like "okay"
So the living room is now in the living room.
Where it should be.
Right.

Disney/Dali amazingness:
Destino

Thank you, my sweet deity, for giving me such wonderful friends.

I wasn't going to post anymore because I thought that anything I would try to say would just be exponentially stupider than the last. I think I'm out to totally embarrass myself trying to explain really personal feelings in my blogthought words.
But I look back on previous posts, and I suppose I could only do better.
There are a lot of things I just wish I would have said plainly.
Its all vane ramblings.
Trying to explain in the most honest words what its like to be me, what it is to think like me.
It's useless because you can't really know anyone, and useless because I'm just a person, and as a person you already know what its like to feel like a person.
Yeah that's one of the reasons I have a blog, to show everyone who I am 'cause I'm just so damn wonderful.
Ooooh wanna know the second reason? Its 'coz I want to entertain myself. You know, The person who learns to laugh at themselves has a lifelong source of entertainment. OMG I'm fuckin HI-LARIOUS.
The third reason would be to entertain others, and I think It's worked pretty well, if by "entertaining others" I mean making them go blind by reading absurd blocks of text that don't really say anything.
The fourth reason that I hang out with Mr. Bloggy, is that I can communicate through him. This works pretty well too especially when I spit poison but mean to say I love you.
When I say "POISON" you say "TREE".
But I can't blame it on the blog, there is something so inherently fucked up about my thinking, and when mixed with trying to talk to individuals but worrying of others will take it wrong things get so messed up. I'm so form over function that it is just wrong.

Last year I was fortunate to stay a week with my best friend Christa down in glorious Punxy.
I needed a vacation to clear my head, try to sort out what kind of possibilities there were in the world for me, outside of Coudy. I know it's impossible to really figure that stuff out in a week, especially in a hole like Punxy. But anyway..
In my estimation, I really suck at being a friend sometimes, but its not from a lack of trying.
I guess it's easy to feel that way when you gotta go through hard times together and you don't know how to handle a situation you've never been in. I was there, I listened, tried to say anything, not just anything.. but somthing. I tried to say somthing useful. I tried to be of some comfort. I guess I could relate to this kind of situation. I don't know if I should attempt to make these kind of compairisons. .. well guess who's name came up. Who was the person I couldn't get off my mind.
That was a year ago almost. Asked me a year previous to that and the answer still would have been the same.
That was a pretty long week down in Punxy. I had a lot of time to myself to just sit around and think. I would lie around and ask myself the bathtub question. The question I always think about when I'm up to my neck in bubbles. It's kind of hard to explain.. its kind of like this:
Is it true that everything I could ever hope to have I have already, and everything I could be I already am. I'm not sure how to make it make much more sense. Honestly, I would hate to think that right now I couldn't have any more happiness in my life if I tried a little harder, or just simply chose a more logical path. I hope this isn't all I can expect ou of life.
I get stuck in ruts all the time, I'm feel pretty weak and inferior, I feel like I have to cling to the things I know to find any happiness in life.
Lately I've been considering my life subjectively, and objectively. It's somthing that I've always done but never really called it a name. Well we just compair good and bad.
On one hand I live in this cozy house, with a beautiful view of the hills (if you can ignore the PennDOT barbed wire fence and buildings). I'm surrounded by wonderful people that care very much for me, and i for them. I never go hungry, I don't have need for much money, and I have no interest in most any material possesions. On the other hand I feel like I have to bend to everyone's wills, make everyone happy at my own expense. I have to live with this undeniable pain and anger about stupid shit that happened a decade ago.
I just long to break free of everything, I want to be independant. I don't think I have to neccissarily trade all of the hapiness that I have now for cold uncertainty. But do I really want to find out? Damn, I guess it's called growing up.
I always question what I've done and left undone, wrong or right.
But I just can't question wanting.
(I'm too tired to continue, and damn if this keeps making less and less sense to me. goodnight)

It's pretty funny just how close I have to put my face up to the screen to be able to see without my contacts in. Less than four inches I'm guessing.

It seems I forgot to check my in-box in the last THREE WEEKS..
I only thought Nintendo ever e-mailed me!!!
Yes, I'm a total dork
Damn damn damn...
Now what am I supposed to say?

I would feel much better if I could just pour my heart all out.
My "heart" changes from one day to the next, so anything I say.. doesn't matter much?
I gotta stop thinking that one thing I feel one day is the beat all, end all, true definition,
the moment, the one. It's so hard for me being such a dumb kid, I think that a year is a long time, I can't fucking wait until Christmas.
...posting on my blog, I hate to think that anything I write here would be understood as the final word on any of my opinions, and I hate to think just how much could be misconstrued. I've been utterly stupid in the way I types itty bitty bits of text ....holes, fruits, dreams...without the context. It seems I don't take as much consideration into the thoughts and feelings of others as I probably should. As I should.
When I think about how my thoughts and blog-thoughts differ. I think of this episode of the Twilight Zone where this young guy who works at a bank gets the power of mind reading for one day. The young guy just listens in on all of his co-workers thoughts, and in particular to this old man who was a trustworthy, reliable and had worked at the bank for decades. The young guy becomes convinced that the old man will rob the bank, and leave the country. But it is later revealed that "taking the money and running" was just a fantasy the old man uses to get through the day. He had never intended on actually doing this thing.
My blog is, at times just free thought. Many thoughts aren't expanded upon, there are many amendments to be made. I just don't know how much of this crap can be taken seriously...
I can't say that what I'm writing doesn't matter much, I've really affected a lot of people whether I've meant to or not. I've posted what did matter to me, I post what does matter to me and I've posted what mattered to me at the time. I didn't consider what might matter to others.
But what matters to others is not what this stupid blog journal is about. Then again It is public, it says things that involve other people. I should take more responsibility. I could tell you to take some responsibility for your own damn self, and instead of you jumping to conclusions, just ask me. But that isn't always possible. I can't be a pushy bastardess and tell you what to do. That's just more of me ignoring how you feel.
Obviously I should maybe establish some guidelines to follow here. Perhaps my personal thoughts should belong in my "book of things im not supposed to have" (my personal diary).
Some ideas are dangerous, I should not point the weapon at myself, or anyone, unless I mean to destroy. I shouldn't imply that I know anything about anyone. Cut the drama..
I dunno, make it all boring.
I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've said, but I guess I gotta leave them, some kind of testament, some kinda memorial, but more important than leaving it there, I have to remember to look back, remember to remember. It would have saved me so much heartache, to learn from my mistakes.

Hello World!
I guess, I'm posting for the sake of posting.
I've doing a lot of thinking lately.. and that's.. pretty much.. it.
I'll let you know how that thinking stuff all works out.
Sorry for not having anything useful to say.
Hoo-ray

I can't stop thinking about you.
I can't make this feeling go away.
I've realized too much, too late. It's killing me.
I don't know what to do.
My heart is aching so badly.

I know this sounds totally lame, but I think I'll start drawing cartoon strips again.
Just the idea of it fills me with rapture. YES! RAPTURE!
Oh, the demented ideas I have, oh the evil glee, the simple stupidity,
..the challenge.
I hopes I can remember how to draw.

I just don't know how to describe how much this hurts.
I've never cried so hard.
It's the life I've designed though, with my own lies.
This is the world I will live in, along with every ounce of pain I've caused.
The walls I've built to keep me from the pain, now block me in.
It wasn't worth it, it isn't worth it.
Nothing ever seemed to be worth so much.

I'll be here for quite some time it seems.

It doesn't make much sense:

I guess I could find some satisfaction that I tried to live as well as I could,
the best life that a stupid, pathetic, lost person could.
I don't believe in the afterlife, is just more of the same "before I was born" nothing stuff.
I feel that life is precious, it makes me want to search and live for greater things knowing that this is it.
I was pretty young when I began to truly appreciate the richness of life.
As I grew older and experienced more things and grew aware of lifes complexities, I became intimidated.
Isn't it supposed to be the opposite, I don't know.
I built my house on the sinking sand.
I'm not proud of the way I've been living my life. I'm very weak in my convictions.. bleh.. just fucking look at me, I'm practically screaming "Take advantage of me!"
Life still matters to me, all I want is to grow, and keep everything that matters most to me, close to me. I just can't have what I want right now. Who needed more than I had to give?
Changing doesn't matter when you don't know what you want. I just wanted to be good enough. Change...what kind of puffs-of-air rhetoric are you gonna come up with this time to defend this holy war, Naya? ...like, just exisisting is a moral dilemma.
It's all just black and white and 100 mph.
One thing I've wanted was to be in love. I've been raised on totally fantastical ideals. Disney movies and radio love songs. I wondered why those love stories don't end up more like mom and dad, or auntie, or like mr. neighbor (i mean as bad as you can imagine).
My "love" story ends like this:
we get into some kind of fight, probably because I'm jealous of him. I'll be all like "Oh he thinks I'm a bitch, hey. I'm gonna chase him down in my SUV. hey. We will see who is a bitch." I'll accidentally, but totally on purpose run him over, then purely accidentally back over him again. I'll be destroyed and remorseful about backing over him again, because he didn't deserve that one. But I'll always be confused about whether I really meant to run him over and kill him in the first place.
This is the way it's been, I'm so scared that it might always be that way. It makes me sad that I might only know a life of regret.

how could i have let this happen?

You remember when McDonalds had those Happy Meals where you could get either the Hotwheels car or the Barbie?
Sometimes I asked for a Hotwheels car.

I've been busy moving down to my parent's rental apartment. The house behind the house that nobody really knows about. It's a 1940's dream house. It's actually in pretty decent shape.
The previous tennants left this thing on the wall; it looks like an injured man
nailed to a wooden "T", someone sure did have a sick sense of humor.
Anyway, I have no idea what im doing. I know I'll save a lot of money living here, and splitting the bills with Brian. Maybe I'll find somthing to look forward to in the future. I don't know. In the meantime things aren't so bad. As long as I stay off drugs and stop prostituting myself out, I'll be just swell. I wish I had some kind of higher ambition to shoot for.
bleh...

how do you measure spiritual growth?

hahaha... it's esoteric.
get it? haha

Okay, Naya, you can stop saying stupid things any.. minute.. now...
right.
let's go!
awesome!
--------
Going after what I need is not selfish.
This time I will not mix the apples and oranges.
We do not need to bring the fruit salad into this.
I've made about a years worth of mistakes in about 3 months.
Now that I have a better outlook on what not to do.
I can do it now, I can prove it, that I'm strong.
Not for anyone but myself. The rest, will fall into place.

Sometimes Nana wonders if she isn't just trying to fill the hole with more holes.

"The Fourth of July" is just plain tacky.
There are a bunch of drunks up in the mountains, blowing up trees with quarter sticks.
There are three blondes lighting sparklers in the Darrin's front yard.
Buster is in the bathtub, shivering with fear, from the scary boomy noises.

Note to self: Start experimenting with self-tanner in January.
I'm all streaky!

I had the best week ever!
I got to hang out with Christa and Sterling and Sammy on the weekend, and Nate on Tuesday.
Soooo happy!
Okay now I'm sad.
I guess its just you an me now, Mr. Bloggy, sometimes I think you are the only one who understands me.
Totally.
I mean, "all encompassingly".
Yeah.

Today, Moonbeams got a roll of flypaper stuck in her fur.

OMG The Da Vinci Code, the only book in history to raise teh provacative questions.
yay!!!!!11

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending the day at the Johnson family reunion!
It was a total blast! Yay Johnsons!

Were gonna party like its 1895!!!



Bon thinks she hears voices on the other end.

I'm a princess.

There's one in every room.

Bon cracks a safe.

Naya breaks in.

G'ma is the boss.

G'pa writes a sermon.

hiya!

4:30 am. It seems I fell asleep with my brain on. This is similarly as destructive as leaving the refrigerator door open all day. Am I gonna hafta throw out the eggs now? Is the milk still good?
Yeah it probably is, but now I'll be suspicious that there will be some evil kinda bacteria just waiting to give me e-coli.

Okay I know it doesn't make sense..

I've been overthinking, and worrying just like I always do--I'm such an anxious lady.
I'm pretty sick of having my own voice echo in my head all day everyday.
I do get the opportunity to talk to my sister, or Brian or my momma and I'm not alone, but when those chances come, its like the thing Christa said one time
-"The cockroaches scatter when the light comes on".
I feel extremely isolated, and its very hard for me to just talk and communicate with people.
It doesn't help me much, that most of my buddies have had the good sense to evacuate this hick town. But the ones that have not, I just find talking to them kinda awkward and a little sad, its just all the time we have spent apart. All the good times we didn't have together. Like the idiot I am- I can only concentrate on the bad things, and the things I don't have.

This month has been soo long, and by this month, I still mean May.
It's halfway through June and I'm still lamenting May. I had a very bad "break-up" (for those of you who don't already know). I'm really scared that I'll never have a normal relationship because of my poor communication lack of skill. It's so hard for me to even imagine I could ever change. There were years I should have spent at church, or on the basketball team, or actually giving a damn about the art club. Connecting and socializing. I've spent most of my life relating to fictional characters, videogames and movies.

I guess I'm still a novice at these things maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
But all this silence pretty much goes back to those last 20 years of my life, yeah, all those years I should not "underdissrepresent". It goes back as far as I can remember. All those years of being "the shy kid" and the "artist". All those years of neglect, everything I've never said anything about, all the pain. I just keep quiet.
Always I just keep quiet to keep everyone happy.
If everyone is happy there is no conflict.
I'm terrible with conflict, I just fail at resolving anything.
So I just do whatever to please anyone.
But this I found, does not make me happy either.
It's not right at all to be so dishonest to everyone I love. It's not right to torture myself.
So after many nights of thinking and crying my eyes out. I decided that the most important thing I could ever do for myself was to do what was right for me. To really concentrate on what I value. But what the heck is it that I value? I've been dumb for such a long time, I've ignored so much and forgot everything.
I wish that I could just wake up and live the way I want to.
I feel that some things could just change over night.
But as I'm finding out, most of the changes I want to make must take time. I know I'm making some progress, but its creepy-crawling, inching. The hardest part is getting disheartened all the time.
I just can't quite express how utterly confused I am about many things that have been going on in my life. I feel kinda sick from flipping over an over through space. I wish I had some kind of anchor too keep me in place. Or at least a "you are here" dot.

The other day, a humming bird flew so close that I felt the vibrations of its wings on my face.

I'm embarassed to admit:

• Recently, I cut out pictures of Hello Kitty to hang on my wall while I listened to NIN.
• Sometimes Disney songs give me goosebumps.
• I am getting really good at macrame.
• I like some country songs, some I think are sweet and pure and some I think are clever.
• My cat is named Tiara Moonbeam Princess and I sing songs to her about how cute she is.

Today I'll let my personal posessions speak for me.



goat
pandas
orient
bears



kenny
manatee
junk

"If you envision life as a grindstone-and life can be difficult-will the grindstone sharpen you or will it grind you into dust?"

That's right. I'm only 20. Yeah, =) I'm just 20. I have a lot to learn, but things won't always be the same for me. It's easy to feel like time is passing me by what with everyone I know already having babies, getting married, engaged, and finding the man of their dreams, at this point in their lives. I've done some really stupid things. But I'm not an unsalvageble wreck. I'm only 20 I have a lot to learn.
But at the same time I don't want to underdissrepresent (just made up a word cause I can't think of the right word) the last 20 years of my life though. I've been through shit. I could have handled situations better, I can learn from the past.
I will be the best person I can possibly be, as I know how to be. I will stick to my values, I'll really think about what my values are. It is so important, I knew it all along. I must know my own heart and do the best I can for me. I feel kinda sad sometimes that I need a fire lit under my ass sometimes to get me going. I just knew all along what means the most to me.
I feel a little silly sometimes forgetting, but time, complaicency and misfortunes can make me forget what is most important to me. My momma says I'm too lackadaisical. Honestly if you woulda asked me what I would liked to be when I grew up when I graduated highschool I would have told you I wanna be a revolutionary. Haa Haaa HOO! Just how do you prepair youself for that kind of career choice!? Anyway, saying that, it is obvious that I desire to become a responsible person, an outgoing person, a challenging person. It's obvious to me that I've put off my own desires for way too long, its nobody's fault but mine. Though I can say circumstances have not been...they aren't the kind of circumstances that I can flourish in. I just have to get over that though, it feels like a very vast, obstacle, not having much opportunity in this town for employment, and being dirt poor all the time. I just have to get over it. I'll do my best with what I have.

Okay. Why didn't it dawn on me earlier that I'm trapped in a stupid little town surrounded by vast nothingness that I can't cross with dreams, wishes and starlight.

...training for the Special Olympics bouncing in chair event.

Every day, since Easter, I have jogged the entire length of the "old railroad grade". I never imagined that I could ever run that far. Now I'm doing it every day. It's just amazing!!
It's like I woke up one day and the angels blessed me with stamina.
Running off on my own gives me plenty of time to think..

Today I got called into work, right as I was about to run out the door for my daily jog. I was all warmed up and everything, to go work at subdungeon. I was planning to go with my family to wherever this morning, but I couldn't, so they left me in the dust.
Though we usually go to stinky old thrift stores and the increasingly unimpressive Olean mall, we always have a ton of mischevious fun.



This is one of my Momma's "artistic installations"
at the Hornell Salvation Army.
This one she calls "Adoration of the Barbeque".

Bon is having a species identity crisis.


This one is funny because Bon was scared that spiders or bugs or
bad smells would get all over her, and she was screaming
"GAHH, TAKE THE PICTURE NOW, DO IT NOW, EEEEEE!".

It's the perfect time of year to commune with nature.

I'm in the middle of an e-bay frenzy.
It all started a few days ago when Brian decided to generate some income by experimenting with sellin' shit on the internets. Ol' Tom Darrin found out about this and encouraged Brian to sell Tom's antiques. It kinda seems like they business partners now. At this moment they are taking dozens of pictures of the junk they expect will make them hundred-aires. I can't go five minutes without Brian runnin' in here and looking on the computer to check the pictures he just took of ceramic Disney figurines. Or checking up on how the car speakers, and Yu-Gi-Oh cards are selling.

Today I feel strong, like a woman of steel. Like I could do anything.
...maybe I should do something.
I hope this isn't just the Naya of the day. Usually something in me says to not indulge in feelings of power, or any feeling of confidence. Thats I'll just sorely dissapoint myself when I say or do somthing arrogant. That I don't deserve to feel good about myself because I'm stupid.
Oy! what I wouldn't give to be smart, and quick and rational. But anyway...
When I was cleaning my old room today, I found some of my crazy ol scribblings from back in honors english. I wrote this question: "Is introspection selfish?". Somthing like that.
Well is it? Is it like vanity? Is it true that the more time you spend looking at yourself in the mirror the more vain you are? The more time I spend blogging the more obsessed with myself I become? Yeeeeeck!
Vanity, Vain, vane, vein. I might be better of not asking myself these questions.

I'm all sorts of confused. Like my sense of direction is all nutzed up. It's like the phenomenon where a housecat, used to living in one location all its life and then is relocated to some new and far away location, will think it still lives in the old place. The cat will try to walk itself back home, sometimes hundreds of miles, using its instincts of direction. Yeah thats what I must feel like.
I feel like my whiskers are all twisted.
Slowly though I'll get a hold of my senses. Right now I need to take a long, thoughtful survey of my soul and find out what it is that I need, and what I need to do right now.

I don't have the internet at home amymore because our computer does not have a wireless card. We don't have a wireless card anymore because Brian had to give it back to his boss when he just decided not to go to work anymore. In most instances this is a bad idea, to just not go to work anymore. In reality though, it wasn't work Brain was going to, but slavery: working from 8am to 11 pm 6 days a week and maybe, maybe getting paid, $120.00 a week. Now he can look for a new job, or be my little house husband. Now I have the responsibility of paying rent.
Life is crazy, so I think I should serously start planning for the future. I dunno what to do.

It feels like my winds are full of sail...blargh.
mid-afternoon loneliness, head ringing with silence.
confession: I have 17 rolls of toilet paper.
That's 16 and one half more than you probably have.
E-Harmony dot com, because your naturally evolving relationship is not good enough.
E-Harmony dot com, because you can't possibly meet your one true love in your own hometown.

If I had known that the soup cans had easy-open tabs on them I would have eaten them sooner.
I'm starving.

Chicken and Biscuits is the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
I wanna rub warm biscuts all over my naked body.
I wanna climb the nearest water-tower and spraypaint "chicken and biscuits forever".
I totally had a Chicken and Biscuit-gasm.
--And just when I think things can't get better, I find berry blue-lemonade kool-aid in the cupboard. I'm drinking it right now..
"Ohh Yeah!"

I Love Brian Lucas.
Brian must be my soulmate because he knows what Panda Bears have to say.
Brian is the cutest kind of cute that there is, you can't comprehend just how very cute that cute is because no mortal (except for me) has ever witnessed that much cute.
Brian is the rational voice in my head that figures out things I just don't get.
I love the silly songs he sings to me, and just how well he speaks "M'ercan".
I love how he sticks his tongue out everytime he sniffles.
It's silly how Brian is as stubborn and cranky as I am (though he doesn't realize it most of the time).
I just love to be with him, and walk around and drive around with him.
I like to have someone to care for and to be concerned about, I never have to feel lonely.
He makes me feel happy, and secure, and loved.
He makes me feel good about myself when I can't think of one thing that is good about me.
He is my friend, and he is my lover, he is my reading buddy, and my swimming buddy.
Brian buys me cookies and video games and things to keep me happy and fat.
Brian will do anything to make sure I'm happy, and feel loved.
I love Brian's silly cheshire cat grin, and his whiskery face so full of love, and whiskers.

I'l l release that emo kid I keep inside.
---
I'm not nice. I don't know how to be nice, and happy and giving.
I don't like that I don't get attention for being everyone's angel.
I don't have much of a personality, and I never know what to say.
I'm just distant, just a spectator-- a commentator saying much too little much too late.
Nobody really likes me.
I just feel too stupid to identify with smart people.
Too irrational for rational people, to un-imagineative for free-thinkers.
Too boring for people who party, too mischievious for straight-edge-ers.
Too quiet to be normal.
My opinions don't matter to anyone.
I'm too pretentious, too silly, and (obviously) extremely forgettable.
If I dissappeared tomorrow I wouldn't leave behind anything that couldn't be replaced.
---
I don't feel any sadness it writing this, is it because it's not really how I see myself? Maybe I just accept things the way they are.
---
I'm a little empathetic, and somewhere in my heart i'm a little brave too, and I'm kinda knowledgable about things. I'll grow up, I'm the only person I know who has to conciously work on growing up, but I will be something good. I'll even work on doing what I say I'll do.
Well what choices do I really have?
I can't think of anything else to say.
I'll put the emo kid away.

I got a Hello Kitty Juicer.
What do you got?
You ain't got shit if you ain't got a Hello Kitty Juicer.
..bitches

Ha Ha, Fooled you!
I'm not really moving at all.
Well maybe not for a long time.
I have no idea, I thought I was, things change.
I'm always the last one to know about everything.
The silly thing is though I told everyone I was moving to Bradford.
Oopsy. I'm just anxious to get out of Coudersport and experience not-Coudersport things.
It's probably best to stay where I am. This is a really fucking sweet place Brian and I got here.
I should be counting my blessings.

Okay, it looks like I'll be moving much sooner than I thought. As soon as we find a suitable apartment and get a car we're outta here.
...But now that I think of it, that could be a very long time away. Wish I knew what the hell was going on.
Right now I can't say that I care about moving away from here, but then again it may just hit me hard later on.

Sorry for misleading you, well I guess I really didn't lead you anywhere because it doesn't seem I'll be moving to Galeton after all. You see, I spend about 4 hours in Galeton for the Fireworks each year. The hole we were considering was the apartment above Fox's and it is ugly and reeks of pizza.
It seems that I could be moving to the glorious city of Bradford now.
There is a 90% chance of me staying in Pennsylvania. So, I guess, my future is still pretty uncertain.

So it seems I might be moving. To a place that reeks of pizza. To Coudersport 10 years ago.
I MIGHT be moving in less than three months. I really don't have anything better to do. I think I'll be happy there, despite the fact that where I'm going lacks, recreation, and social diversity . Actually I can't say for sure what is good or bad about this place because I never spent more than one night a year, at the most, a this place. Got a clue what I'm talking about? Probably not.
But I'll be sure to fill you in as the circumstances develop.

Fortunately, there was no crap on my clothes.

Note on the Refrigerator 2-7-06:
Naya * =)
When doing the wash please do a full load.
Also the dog took a major dump in the basement and I cleaned it up but some got on your basket, I am not sure if it got on your clothes but I cleaned the basket the best I could so be careful-Bonnie

I got a cell phone

1-814-558-9880

So call me.

Hooray for frequent updates.
Not much to tell except I've been living under a rock.
Oh yeah and I did somthing I promised not to do, I got my hair cut and dyed blonder. So am I out of the pretty hair club? Well I think its beautiful, best haircut number one!
Brian and I got an x-box 360 and Dead or Alive 4.. I think its 4, its pretty but I think I like me some Tekkin5 better. I bought a $30.99 Nine Inch Nails special edition disk set as a reward for all of my hard work at Subdungeon. Oh, look at me bragging like a preteen about how much money I spent on my All American Rejects T-Shirts and my brand new Vans. I'm just not used to spending so much money on myself, I'm so thrifty and cheap.
Anyway Subway is the best job ever except when I have to assemble subs in a line like mass production in a factory, start to finish over and over and over when it gets really busy.
I don't feel like asking, "are you sure you need ANOTHER footlong sub fatty?" Like I wanted to say at Original Italian Pigfest. "Yeah, another footlong but smother it in ranch dressing and bring out 50 more hot wings while your at it." People that come in to Subway seem to have more conservative appetites. Speeking of piggies I'm trying to loose a few pounds by eating healthy and exercising, let's all count together I've already made it one and a half days, If I actually attempt to go to the gym tonight we will call that Two days. Also I have to remember to not drink soda at work tonight, and to not smother my sub in mayo and bacon, pepperoni, ham or salami. No Italian BMTs! And certainly no cookies.