Sunday, September 17, 2006
I wasn't going to post anymore because I thought that anything I would try to say would just be exponentially stupider than the last. I think I'm out to totally embarrass myself trying to explain really personal feelings in my blogthought words.
But I look back on previous posts, and I suppose I could only do better.
There are a lot of things I just wish I would have said plainly.
Its all vane ramblings.
Trying to explain in the most honest words what its like to be me, what it is to think like me.
It's useless because you can't really know anyone, and useless because I'm just a person, and as a person you already know what its like to feel like a person.
Yeah that's one of the reasons I have a blog, to show everyone who I am 'cause I'm just so damn wonderful.
Ooooh wanna know the second reason? Its 'coz I want to entertain myself. You know, The person who learns to laugh at themselves has a lifelong source of entertainment. OMG I'm fuckin HI-LARIOUS.
The third reason would be to entertain others, and I think It's worked pretty well, if by "entertaining others" I mean making them go blind by reading absurd blocks of text that don't really say anything.
The fourth reason that I hang out with Mr. Bloggy, is that I can communicate through him. This works pretty well too especially when I spit poison but mean to say I love you.
When I say "POISON" you say "TREE".
But I can't blame it on the blog, there is something so inherently fucked up about my thinking, and when mixed with trying to talk to individuals but worrying of others will take it wrong things get so messed up. I'm so form over function that it is just wrong.
But I look back on previous posts, and I suppose I could only do better.
There are a lot of things I just wish I would have said plainly.
Its all vane ramblings.
Trying to explain in the most honest words what its like to be me, what it is to think like me.
It's useless because you can't really know anyone, and useless because I'm just a person, and as a person you already know what its like to feel like a person.
Yeah that's one of the reasons I have a blog, to show everyone who I am 'cause I'm just so damn wonderful.
Ooooh wanna know the second reason? Its 'coz I want to entertain myself. You know, The person who learns to laugh at themselves has a lifelong source of entertainment. OMG I'm fuckin HI-LARIOUS.
The third reason would be to entertain others, and I think It's worked pretty well, if by "entertaining others" I mean making them go blind by reading absurd blocks of text that don't really say anything.
The fourth reason that I hang out with Mr. Bloggy, is that I can communicate through him. This works pretty well too especially when I spit poison but mean to say I love you.
When I say "POISON" you say "TREE".
But I can't blame it on the blog, there is something so inherently fucked up about my thinking, and when mixed with trying to talk to individuals but worrying of others will take it wrong things get so messed up. I'm so form over function that it is just wrong.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Last year I was fortunate to stay a week with my best friend Christa down in glorious Punxy.
I needed a vacation to clear my head, try to sort out what kind of possibilities there were in the world for me, outside of Coudy. I know it's impossible to really figure that stuff out in a week, especially in a hole like Punxy. But anyway..
In my estimation, I really suck at being a friend sometimes, but its not from a lack of trying.
I guess it's easy to feel that way when you gotta go through hard times together and you don't know how to handle a situation you've never been in. I was there, I listened, tried to say anything, not just anything.. but somthing. I tried to say somthing useful. I tried to be of some comfort. I guess I could relate to this kind of situation. I don't know if I should attempt to make these kind of compairisons. .. well guess who's name came up. Who was the person I couldn't get off my mind.
That was a year ago almost. Asked me a year previous to that and the answer still would have been the same.
That was a pretty long week down in Punxy. I had a lot of time to myself to just sit around and think. I would lie around and ask myself the bathtub question. The question I always think about when I'm up to my neck in bubbles. It's kind of hard to explain.. its kind of like this:
Is it true that everything I could ever hope to have I have already, and everything I could be I already am. I'm not sure how to make it make much more sense. Honestly, I would hate to think that right now I couldn't have any more happiness in my life if I tried a little harder, or just simply chose a more logical path. I hope this isn't all I can expect ou of life.
I get stuck in ruts all the time, I'm feel pretty weak and inferior, I feel like I have to cling to the things I know to find any happiness in life.
Lately I've been considering my life subjectively, and objectively. It's somthing that I've always done but never really called it a name. Well we just compair good and bad.
On one hand I live in this cozy house, with a beautiful view of the hills (if you can ignore the PennDOT barbed wire fence and buildings). I'm surrounded by wonderful people that care very much for me, and i for them. I never go hungry, I don't have need for much money, and I have no interest in most any material possesions. On the other hand I feel like I have to bend to everyone's wills, make everyone happy at my own expense. I have to live with this undeniable pain and anger about stupid shit that happened a decade ago.
I just long to break free of everything, I want to be independant. I don't think I have to neccissarily trade all of the hapiness that I have now for cold uncertainty. But do I really want to find out? Damn, I guess it's called growing up.
I always question what I've done and left undone, wrong or right.
But I just can't question wanting.
(I'm too tired to continue, and damn if this keeps making less and less sense to me. goodnight)
I needed a vacation to clear my head, try to sort out what kind of possibilities there were in the world for me, outside of Coudy. I know it's impossible to really figure that stuff out in a week, especially in a hole like Punxy. But anyway..
In my estimation, I really suck at being a friend sometimes, but its not from a lack of trying.
I guess it's easy to feel that way when you gotta go through hard times together and you don't know how to handle a situation you've never been in. I was there, I listened, tried to say anything, not just anything.. but somthing. I tried to say somthing useful. I tried to be of some comfort. I guess I could relate to this kind of situation. I don't know if I should attempt to make these kind of compairisons. .. well guess who's name came up. Who was the person I couldn't get off my mind.
That was a year ago almost. Asked me a year previous to that and the answer still would have been the same.
That was a pretty long week down in Punxy. I had a lot of time to myself to just sit around and think. I would lie around and ask myself the bathtub question. The question I always think about when I'm up to my neck in bubbles. It's kind of hard to explain.. its kind of like this:
Is it true that everything I could ever hope to have I have already, and everything I could be I already am. I'm not sure how to make it make much more sense. Honestly, I would hate to think that right now I couldn't have any more happiness in my life if I tried a little harder, or just simply chose a more logical path. I hope this isn't all I can expect ou of life.
I get stuck in ruts all the time, I'm feel pretty weak and inferior, I feel like I have to cling to the things I know to find any happiness in life.
Lately I've been considering my life subjectively, and objectively. It's somthing that I've always done but never really called it a name. Well we just compair good and bad.
On one hand I live in this cozy house, with a beautiful view of the hills (if you can ignore the PennDOT barbed wire fence and buildings). I'm surrounded by wonderful people that care very much for me, and i for them. I never go hungry, I don't have need for much money, and I have no interest in most any material possesions. On the other hand I feel like I have to bend to everyone's wills, make everyone happy at my own expense. I have to live with this undeniable pain and anger about stupid shit that happened a decade ago.
I just long to break free of everything, I want to be independant. I don't think I have to neccissarily trade all of the hapiness that I have now for cold uncertainty. But do I really want to find out? Damn, I guess it's called growing up.
I always question what I've done and left undone, wrong or right.
But I just can't question wanting.
(I'm too tired to continue, and damn if this keeps making less and less sense to me. goodnight)
Saturday, August 26, 2006
I would feel much better if I could just pour my heart all out.
My "heart" changes from one day to the next, so anything I say.. doesn't matter much?
I gotta stop thinking that one thing I feel one day is the beat all, end all, true definition,
the moment, the one. It's so hard for me being such a dumb kid, I think that a year is a long time, I can't fucking wait until Christmas.
...posting on my blog, I hate to think that anything I write here would be understood as the final word on any of my opinions, and I hate to think just how much could be misconstrued. I've been utterly stupid in the way I types itty bitty bits of text ....holes, fruits, dreams...without the context. It seems I don't take as much consideration into the thoughts and feelings of others as I probably should. As I should.
When I think about how my thoughts and blog-thoughts differ. I think of this episode of the Twilight Zone where this young guy who works at a bank gets the power of mind reading for one day. The young guy just listens in on all of his co-workers thoughts, and in particular to this old man who was a trustworthy, reliable and had worked at the bank for decades. The young guy becomes convinced that the old man will rob the bank, and leave the country. But it is later revealed that "taking the money and running" was just a fantasy the old man uses to get through the day. He had never intended on actually doing this thing.
My blog is, at times just free thought. Many thoughts aren't expanded upon, there are many amendments to be made. I just don't know how much of this crap can be taken seriously...
I can't say that what I'm writing doesn't matter much, I've really affected a lot of people whether I've meant to or not. I've posted what did matter to me, I post what does matter to me and I've posted what mattered to me at the time. I didn't consider what might matter to others.
But what matters to others is not what this stupid blog journal is about. Then again It is public, it says things that involve other people. I should take more responsibility. I could tell you to take some responsibility for your own damn self, and instead of you jumping to conclusions, just ask me. But that isn't always possible. I can't be a pushy bastardess and tell you what to do. That's just more of me ignoring how you feel.
Obviously I should maybe establish some guidelines to follow here. Perhaps my personal thoughts should belong in my "book of things im not supposed to have" (my personal diary).
Some ideas are dangerous, I should not point the weapon at myself, or anyone, unless I mean to destroy. I shouldn't imply that I know anything about anyone. Cut the drama..
I dunno, make it all boring.
I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've said, but I guess I gotta leave them, some kind of testament, some kinda memorial, but more important than leaving it there, I have to remember to look back, remember to remember. It would have saved me so much heartache, to learn from my mistakes.
My "heart" changes from one day to the next, so anything I say.. doesn't matter much?
I gotta stop thinking that one thing I feel one day is the beat all, end all, true definition,
the moment, the one. It's so hard for me being such a dumb kid, I think that a year is a long time, I can't fucking wait until Christmas.
...posting on my blog, I hate to think that anything I write here would be understood as the final word on any of my opinions, and I hate to think just how much could be misconstrued. I've been utterly stupid in the way I types itty bitty bits of text ....holes, fruits, dreams...without the context. It seems I don't take as much consideration into the thoughts and feelings of others as I probably should. As I should.
When I think about how my thoughts and blog-thoughts differ. I think of this episode of the Twilight Zone where this young guy who works at a bank gets the power of mind reading for one day. The young guy just listens in on all of his co-workers thoughts, and in particular to this old man who was a trustworthy, reliable and had worked at the bank for decades. The young guy becomes convinced that the old man will rob the bank, and leave the country. But it is later revealed that "taking the money and running" was just a fantasy the old man uses to get through the day. He had never intended on actually doing this thing.
My blog is, at times just free thought. Many thoughts aren't expanded upon, there are many amendments to be made. I just don't know how much of this crap can be taken seriously...
I can't say that what I'm writing doesn't matter much, I've really affected a lot of people whether I've meant to or not. I've posted what did matter to me, I post what does matter to me and I've posted what mattered to me at the time. I didn't consider what might matter to others.
But what matters to others is not what this stupid blog journal is about. Then again It is public, it says things that involve other people. I should take more responsibility. I could tell you to take some responsibility for your own damn self, and instead of you jumping to conclusions, just ask me. But that isn't always possible. I can't be a pushy bastardess and tell you what to do. That's just more of me ignoring how you feel.
Obviously I should maybe establish some guidelines to follow here. Perhaps my personal thoughts should belong in my "book of things im not supposed to have" (my personal diary).
Some ideas are dangerous, I should not point the weapon at myself, or anyone, unless I mean to destroy. I shouldn't imply that I know anything about anyone. Cut the drama..
I dunno, make it all boring.
I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've said, but I guess I gotta leave them, some kind of testament, some kinda memorial, but more important than leaving it there, I have to remember to look back, remember to remember. It would have saved me so much heartache, to learn from my mistakes.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
I just don't know how to describe how much this hurts.
I've never cried so hard.
It's the life I've designed though, with my own lies.
This is the world I will live in, along with every ounce of pain I've caused.
The walls I've built to keep me from the pain, now block me in.
It wasn't worth it, it isn't worth it.
Nothing ever seemed to be worth so much.
I'll be here for quite some time it seems.
I've never cried so hard.
It's the life I've designed though, with my own lies.
This is the world I will live in, along with every ounce of pain I've caused.
The walls I've built to keep me from the pain, now block me in.
It wasn't worth it, it isn't worth it.
Nothing ever seemed to be worth so much.
I'll be here for quite some time it seems.
Friday, August 04, 2006
It doesn't make much sense:
I guess I could find some satisfaction that I tried to live as well as I could,
the best life that a stupid, pathetic, lost person could.
I don't believe in the afterlife, is just more of the same "before I was born" nothing stuff.
I feel that life is precious, it makes me want to search and live for greater things knowing that this is it.
I was pretty young when I began to truly appreciate the richness of life.
As I grew older and experienced more things and grew aware of lifes complexities, I became intimidated.
Isn't it supposed to be the opposite, I don't know.
I built my house on the sinking sand.
I'm not proud of the way I've been living my life. I'm very weak in my convictions.. bleh.. just fucking look at me, I'm practically screaming "Take advantage of me!"
Life still matters to me, all I want is to grow, and keep everything that matters most to me, close to me. I just can't have what I want right now. Who needed more than I had to give?
Changing doesn't matter when you don't know what you want. I just wanted to be good enough. Change...what kind of puffs-of-air rhetoric are you gonna come up with this time to defend this holy war, Naya? ...like, just exisisting is a moral dilemma.
It's all just black and white and 100 mph.
One thing I've wanted was to be in love. I've been raised on totally fantastical ideals. Disney movies and radio love songs. I wondered why those love stories don't end up more like mom and dad, or auntie, or like mr. neighbor (i mean as bad as you can imagine).
My "love" story ends like this:
we get into some kind of fight, probably because I'm jealous of him. I'll be all like "Oh he thinks I'm a bitch, hey. I'm gonna chase him down in my SUV. hey. We will see who is a bitch." I'll accidentally, but totally on purpose run him over, then purely accidentally back over him again. I'll be destroyed and remorseful about backing over him again, because he didn't deserve that one. But I'll always be confused about whether I really meant to run him over and kill him in the first place.
This is the way it's been, I'm so scared that it might always be that way. It makes me sad that I might only know a life of regret.
I guess I could find some satisfaction that I tried to live as well as I could,
the best life that a stupid, pathetic, lost person could.
I don't believe in the afterlife, is just more of the same "before I was born" nothing stuff.
I feel that life is precious, it makes me want to search and live for greater things knowing that this is it.
I was pretty young when I began to truly appreciate the richness of life.
As I grew older and experienced more things and grew aware of lifes complexities, I became intimidated.
Isn't it supposed to be the opposite, I don't know.
I built my house on the sinking sand.
I'm not proud of the way I've been living my life. I'm very weak in my convictions.. bleh.. just fucking look at me, I'm practically screaming "Take advantage of me!"
Life still matters to me, all I want is to grow, and keep everything that matters most to me, close to me. I just can't have what I want right now. Who needed more than I had to give?
Changing doesn't matter when you don't know what you want. I just wanted to be good enough. Change...what kind of puffs-of-air rhetoric are you gonna come up with this time to defend this holy war, Naya? ...like, just exisisting is a moral dilemma.
It's all just black and white and 100 mph.
One thing I've wanted was to be in love. I've been raised on totally fantastical ideals. Disney movies and radio love songs. I wondered why those love stories don't end up more like mom and dad, or auntie, or like mr. neighbor (i mean as bad as you can imagine).
My "love" story ends like this:
we get into some kind of fight, probably because I'm jealous of him. I'll be all like "Oh he thinks I'm a bitch, hey. I'm gonna chase him down in my SUV. hey. We will see who is a bitch." I'll accidentally, but totally on purpose run him over, then purely accidentally back over him again. I'll be destroyed and remorseful about backing over him again, because he didn't deserve that one. But I'll always be confused about whether I really meant to run him over and kill him in the first place.
This is the way it's been, I'm so scared that it might always be that way. It makes me sad that I might only know a life of regret.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
I've been busy moving down to my parent's rental apartment. The house behind the house that nobody really knows about. It's a 1940's dream house. It's actually in pretty decent shape.
The previous tennants left this thing on the wall; it looks like an injured man
nailed to a wooden "T", someone sure did have a sick sense of humor.
Anyway, I have no idea what im doing. I know I'll save a lot of money living here, and splitting the bills with Brian. Maybe I'll find somthing to look forward to in the future. I don't know. In the meantime things aren't so bad. As long as I stay off drugs and stop prostituting myself out, I'll be just swell. I wish I had some kind of higher ambition to shoot for.
bleh...
The previous tennants left this thing on the wall; it looks like an injured man
nailed to a wooden "T", someone sure did have a sick sense of humor.
Anyway, I have no idea what im doing. I know I'll save a lot of money living here, and splitting the bills with Brian. Maybe I'll find somthing to look forward to in the future. I don't know. In the meantime things aren't so bad. As long as I stay off drugs and stop prostituting myself out, I'll be just swell. I wish I had some kind of higher ambition to shoot for.
bleh...
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Okay, Naya, you can stop saying stupid things any.. minute.. now...
right.
let's go!
awesome!
--------
Going after what I need is not selfish.
This time I will not mix the apples and oranges.
We do not need to bring the fruit salad into this.
I've made about a years worth of mistakes in about 3 months.
Now that I have a better outlook on what not to do.
I can do it now, I can prove it, that I'm strong.
Not for anyone but myself. The rest, will fall into place.
right.
let's go!
awesome!
--------
Going after what I need is not selfish.
This time I will not mix the apples and oranges.
We do not need to bring the fruit salad into this.
I've made about a years worth of mistakes in about 3 months.
Now that I have a better outlook on what not to do.
I can do it now, I can prove it, that I'm strong.
Not for anyone but myself. The rest, will fall into place.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
4:30 am. It seems I fell asleep with my brain on. This is similarly as destructive as leaving the refrigerator door open all day. Am I gonna hafta throw out the eggs now? Is the milk still good?
Yeah it probably is, but now I'll be suspicious that there will be some evil kinda bacteria just waiting to give me e-coli.
Okay I know it doesn't make sense..
I've been overthinking, and worrying just like I always do--I'm such an anxious lady.
I'm pretty sick of having my own voice echo in my head all day everyday.
I do get the opportunity to talk to my sister, or Brian or my momma and I'm not alone, but when those chances come, its like the thing Christa said one time
-"The cockroaches scatter when the light comes on".
I feel extremely isolated, and its very hard for me to just talk and communicate with people.
It doesn't help me much, that most of my buddies have had the good sense to evacuate this hick town. But the ones that have not, I just find talking to them kinda awkward and a little sad, its just all the time we have spent apart. All the good times we didn't have together. Like the idiot I am- I can only concentrate on the bad things, and the things I don't have.
This month has been soo long, and by this month, I still mean May.
It's halfway through June and I'm still lamenting May. I had a very bad "break-up" (for those of you who don't already know). I'm really scared that I'll never have a normal relationship because of my poor communication lack of skill. It's so hard for me to even imagine I could ever change. There were years I should have spent at church, or on the basketball team, or actually giving a damn about the art club. Connecting and socializing. I've spent most of my life relating to fictional characters, videogames and movies.
I guess I'm still a novice at these things maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
But all this silence pretty much goes back to those last 20 years of my life, yeah, all those years I should not "underdissrepresent". It goes back as far as I can remember. All those years of being "the shy kid" and the "artist". All those years of neglect, everything I've never said anything about, all the pain. I just keep quiet.
Always I just keep quiet to keep everyone happy.
If everyone is happy there is no conflict.
I'm terrible with conflict, I just fail at resolving anything.
So I just do whatever to please anyone.
But this I found, does not make me happy either.
It's not right at all to be so dishonest to everyone I love. It's not right to torture myself.
So after many nights of thinking and crying my eyes out. I decided that the most important thing I could ever do for myself was to do what was right for me. To really concentrate on what I value. But what the heck is it that I value? I've been dumb for such a long time, I've ignored so much and forgot everything.
I wish that I could just wake up and live the way I want to.
I feel that some things could just change over night.
But as I'm finding out, most of the changes I want to make must take time. I know I'm making some progress, but its creepy-crawling, inching. The hardest part is getting disheartened all the time.
I just can't quite express how utterly confused I am about many things that have been going on in my life. I feel kinda sick from flipping over an over through space. I wish I had some kind of anchor too keep me in place. Or at least a "you are here" dot.
Yeah it probably is, but now I'll be suspicious that there will be some evil kinda bacteria just waiting to give me e-coli.
Okay I know it doesn't make sense..
I've been overthinking, and worrying just like I always do--I'm such an anxious lady.
I'm pretty sick of having my own voice echo in my head all day everyday.
I do get the opportunity to talk to my sister, or Brian or my momma and I'm not alone, but when those chances come, its like the thing Christa said one time
-"The cockroaches scatter when the light comes on".
I feel extremely isolated, and its very hard for me to just talk and communicate with people.
It doesn't help me much, that most of my buddies have had the good sense to evacuate this hick town. But the ones that have not, I just find talking to them kinda awkward and a little sad, its just all the time we have spent apart. All the good times we didn't have together. Like the idiot I am- I can only concentrate on the bad things, and the things I don't have.
This month has been soo long, and by this month, I still mean May.
It's halfway through June and I'm still lamenting May. I had a very bad "break-up" (for those of you who don't already know). I'm really scared that I'll never have a normal relationship because of my poor communication lack of skill. It's so hard for me to even imagine I could ever change. There were years I should have spent at church, or on the basketball team, or actually giving a damn about the art club. Connecting and socializing. I've spent most of my life relating to fictional characters, videogames and movies.
I guess I'm still a novice at these things maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
But all this silence pretty much goes back to those last 20 years of my life, yeah, all those years I should not "underdissrepresent". It goes back as far as I can remember. All those years of being "the shy kid" and the "artist". All those years of neglect, everything I've never said anything about, all the pain. I just keep quiet.
Always I just keep quiet to keep everyone happy.
If everyone is happy there is no conflict.
I'm terrible with conflict, I just fail at resolving anything.
So I just do whatever to please anyone.
But this I found, does not make me happy either.
It's not right at all to be so dishonest to everyone I love. It's not right to torture myself.
So after many nights of thinking and crying my eyes out. I decided that the most important thing I could ever do for myself was to do what was right for me. To really concentrate on what I value. But what the heck is it that I value? I've been dumb for such a long time, I've ignored so much and forgot everything.
I wish that I could just wake up and live the way I want to.
I feel that some things could just change over night.
But as I'm finding out, most of the changes I want to make must take time. I know I'm making some progress, but its creepy-crawling, inching. The hardest part is getting disheartened all the time.
I just can't quite express how utterly confused I am about many things that have been going on in my life. I feel kinda sick from flipping over an over through space. I wish I had some kind of anchor too keep me in place. Or at least a "you are here" dot.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I'm embarassed to admit:
- Recently, I cut out pictures of Hello Kitty to hang on my wall while I listened to NIN.
- Sometimes Disney songs give me goosebumps.
- I am getting really good at macrame.
- I like some country songs, some I think are sweet and pure and some I think are clever.
- My cat is named Tiara Moonbeam Princess and I sing songs to her about how cute she is.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
That's right. I'm only 20. Yeah, =) I'm just 20. I have a lot to learn, but things won't always be the same for me. It's easy to feel like time is passing me by what with everyone I know already having babies, getting married, engaged, and finding the man of their dreams, at this point in their lives. I've done some really stupid things. But I'm not an unsalvageble wreck. I'm only 20 I have a lot to learn.
But at the same time I don't want to underdissrepresent (just made up a word cause I can't think of the right word) the last 20 years of my life though. I've been through shit. I could have handled situations better, I can learn from the past.
I will be the best person I can possibly be, as I know how to be. I will stick to my values, I'll really think about what my values are. It is so important, I knew it all along. I must know my own heart and do the best I can for me. I feel kinda sad sometimes that I need a fire lit under my ass sometimes to get me going. I just knew all along what means the most to me.
I feel a little silly sometimes forgetting, but time, complaicency and misfortunes can make me forget what is most important to me. My momma says I'm too lackadaisical. Honestly if you woulda asked me what I would liked to be when I grew up when I graduated highschool I would have told you I wanna be a revolutionary. Haa Haaa HOO! Just how do you prepair youself for that kind of career choice!? Anyway, saying that, it is obvious that I desire to become a responsible person, an outgoing person, a challenging person. It's obvious to me that I've put off my own desires for way too long, its nobody's fault but mine. Though I can say circumstances have not been...they aren't the kind of circumstances that I can flourish in. I just have to get over that though, it feels like a very vast, obstacle, not having much opportunity in this town for employment, and being dirt poor all the time. I just have to get over it. I'll do my best with what I have.
But at the same time I don't want to underdissrepresent (just made up a word cause I can't think of the right word) the last 20 years of my life though. I've been through shit. I could have handled situations better, I can learn from the past.
I will be the best person I can possibly be, as I know how to be. I will stick to my values, I'll really think about what my values are. It is so important, I knew it all along. I must know my own heart and do the best I can for me. I feel kinda sad sometimes that I need a fire lit under my ass sometimes to get me going. I just knew all along what means the most to me.
I feel a little silly sometimes forgetting, but time, complaicency and misfortunes can make me forget what is most important to me. My momma says I'm too lackadaisical. Honestly if you woulda asked me what I would liked to be when I grew up when I graduated highschool I would have told you I wanna be a revolutionary. Haa Haaa HOO! Just how do you prepair youself for that kind of career choice!? Anyway, saying that, it is obvious that I desire to become a responsible person, an outgoing person, a challenging person. It's obvious to me that I've put off my own desires for way too long, its nobody's fault but mine. Though I can say circumstances have not been...they aren't the kind of circumstances that I can flourish in. I just have to get over that though, it feels like a very vast, obstacle, not having much opportunity in this town for employment, and being dirt poor all the time. I just have to get over it. I'll do my best with what I have.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Every day, since Easter, I have jogged the entire length of the "old railroad grade". I never imagined that I could ever run that far. Now I'm doing it every day. It's just amazing!!
It's like I woke up one day and the angels blessed me with stamina.
Running off on my own gives me plenty of time to think..
It's like I woke up one day and the angels blessed me with stamina.
Running off on my own gives me plenty of time to think..
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Today I got called into work, right as I was about to run out the door for my daily jog. I was all warmed up and everything, to go work at subdungeon. I was planning to go with my family to wherever this morning, but I couldn't, so they left me in the dust.
Though we usually go to stinky old thrift stores and the increasingly unimpressive Olean mall, we always have a ton of mischevious fun.
This is one of my Momma's "artistic installations"
at the Hornell Salvation Army.
This one she calls "Adoration of the Barbeque".
Bon is having a species identity crisis.
This one is funny because Bon was scared that spiders or bugs or
bad smells would get all over her, and she was screaming
"GAHH, TAKE THE PICTURE NOW, DO IT NOW, EEEEEE!".
It's the perfect time of year to commune with nature.
Though we usually go to stinky old thrift stores and the increasingly unimpressive Olean mall, we always have a ton of mischevious fun.
This is one of my Momma's "artistic installations"
at the Hornell Salvation Army.
This one she calls "Adoration of the Barbeque".
Bon is having a species identity crisis.
This one is funny because Bon was scared that spiders or bugs or
bad smells would get all over her, and she was screaming
"GAHH, TAKE THE PICTURE NOW, DO IT NOW, EEEEEE!".
It's the perfect time of year to commune with nature.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
I'm in the middle of an e-bay frenzy.
It all started a few days ago when Brian decided to generate some income by experimenting with sellin' shit on the internets. Ol' Tom Darrin found out about this and encouraged Brian to sell Tom's antiques. It kinda seems like they business partners now. At this moment they are taking dozens of pictures of the junk they expect will make them hundred-aires. I can't go five minutes without Brian runnin' in here and looking on the computer to check the pictures he just took of ceramic Disney figurines. Or checking up on how the car speakers, and Yu-Gi-Oh cards are selling.
It all started a few days ago when Brian decided to generate some income by experimenting with sellin' shit on the internets. Ol' Tom Darrin found out about this and encouraged Brian to sell Tom's antiques. It kinda seems like they business partners now. At this moment they are taking dozens of pictures of the junk they expect will make them hundred-aires. I can't go five minutes without Brian runnin' in here and looking on the computer to check the pictures he just took of ceramic Disney figurines. Or checking up on how the car speakers, and Yu-Gi-Oh cards are selling.
Today I feel strong, like a woman of steel. Like I could do anything.
...maybe I should do something.
I hope this isn't just the Naya of the day. Usually something in me says to not indulge in feelings of power, or any feeling of confidence. Thats I'll just sorely dissapoint myself when I say or do somthing arrogant. That I don't deserve to feel good about myself because I'm stupid.
Oy! what I wouldn't give to be smart, and quick and rational. But anyway...
When I was cleaning my old room today, I found some of my crazy ol scribblings from back in honors english. I wrote this question: "Is introspection selfish?". Somthing like that.
Well is it? Is it like vanity? Is it true that the more time you spend looking at yourself in the mirror the more vain you are? The more time I spend blogging the more obsessed with myself I become? Yeeeeeck!
Vanity, Vain, vane, vein. I might be better of not asking myself these questions.
...maybe I should do something.
I hope this isn't just the Naya of the day. Usually something in me says to not indulge in feelings of power, or any feeling of confidence. Thats I'll just sorely dissapoint myself when I say or do somthing arrogant. That I don't deserve to feel good about myself because I'm stupid.
Oy! what I wouldn't give to be smart, and quick and rational. But anyway...
When I was cleaning my old room today, I found some of my crazy ol scribblings from back in honors english. I wrote this question: "Is introspection selfish?". Somthing like that.
Well is it? Is it like vanity? Is it true that the more time you spend looking at yourself in the mirror the more vain you are? The more time I spend blogging the more obsessed with myself I become? Yeeeeeck!
Vanity, Vain, vane, vein. I might be better of not asking myself these questions.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
I'm all sorts of confused. Like my sense of direction is all nutzed up. It's like the phenomenon where a housecat, used to living in one location all its life and then is relocated to some new and far away location, will think it still lives in the old place. The cat will try to walk itself back home, sometimes hundreds of miles, using its instincts of direction. Yeah thats what I must feel like.
I feel like my whiskers are all twisted.
Slowly though I'll get a hold of my senses. Right now I need to take a long, thoughtful survey of my soul and find out what it is that I need, and what I need to do right now.
I feel like my whiskers are all twisted.
Slowly though I'll get a hold of my senses. Right now I need to take a long, thoughtful survey of my soul and find out what it is that I need, and what I need to do right now.
Monday, March 27, 2006
I don't have the internet at home amymore because our computer does not have a wireless card. We don't have a wireless card anymore because Brian had to give it back to his boss when he just decided not to go to work anymore. In most instances this is a bad idea, to just not go to work anymore. In reality though, it wasn't work Brain was going to, but slavery: working from 8am to 11 pm 6 days a week and maybe, maybe getting paid, $120.00 a week. Now he can look for a new job, or be my little house husband. Now I have the responsibility of paying rent.
Life is crazy, so I think I should serously start planning for the future. I dunno what to do.
Life is crazy, so I think I should serously start planning for the future. I dunno what to do.
Friday, March 10, 2006
It feels like my winds are full of sail...blargh.
mid-afternoon loneliness, head ringing with silence.
confession: I have 17 rolls of toilet paper.
That's 16 and one half more than you probably have.
E-Harmony dot com, because your naturally evolving relationship is not good enough.
E-Harmony dot com, because you can't possibly meet your one true love in your own hometown.
mid-afternoon loneliness, head ringing with silence.
confession: I have 17 rolls of toilet paper.
That's 16 and one half more than you probably have.
E-Harmony dot com, because your naturally evolving relationship is not good enough.
E-Harmony dot com, because you can't possibly meet your one true love in your own hometown.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Chicken and Biscuits is the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
I wanna rub warm biscuts all over my naked body.
I wanna climb the nearest water-tower and spraypaint "chicken and biscuits forever".
I totally had a Chicken and Biscuit-gasm.
--And just when I think things can't get better, I find berry blue-lemonade kool-aid in the cupboard. I'm drinking it right now..
"Ohh Yeah!"
I wanna rub warm biscuts all over my naked body.
I wanna climb the nearest water-tower and spraypaint "chicken and biscuits forever".
I totally had a Chicken and Biscuit-gasm.
--And just when I think things can't get better, I find berry blue-lemonade kool-aid in the cupboard. I'm drinking it right now..
"Ohh Yeah!"
Sunday, February 26, 2006
I Love Brian Lucas.
Brian must be my soulmate because he knows what Panda Bears have to say.
Brian is the cutest kind of cute that there is, you can't comprehend just how very cute that cute is because no mortal (except for me) has ever witnessed that much cute.
Brian is the rational voice in my head that figures out things I just don't get.
I love the silly songs he sings to me, and just how well he speaks "M'ercan".
I love how he sticks his tongue out everytime he sniffles.
It's silly how Brian is as stubborn and cranky as I am (though he doesn't realize it most of the time).
I just love to be with him, and walk around and drive around with him.
I like to have someone to care for and to be concerned about, I never have to feel lonely.
He makes me feel happy, and secure, and loved.
He makes me feel good about myself when I can't think of one thing that is good about me.
He is my friend, and he is my lover, he is my reading buddy, and my swimming buddy.
Brian buys me cookies and video games and things to keep me happy and fat.
Brian will do anything to make sure I'm happy, and feel loved.
I love Brian's silly cheshire cat grin, and his whiskery face so full of love, and whiskers.
Brian must be my soulmate because he knows what Panda Bears have to say.
Brian is the cutest kind of cute that there is, you can't comprehend just how very cute that cute is because no mortal (except for me) has ever witnessed that much cute.
Brian is the rational voice in my head that figures out things I just don't get.
I love the silly songs he sings to me, and just how well he speaks "M'ercan".
I love how he sticks his tongue out everytime he sniffles.
It's silly how Brian is as stubborn and cranky as I am (though he doesn't realize it most of the time).
I just love to be with him, and walk around and drive around with him.
I like to have someone to care for and to be concerned about, I never have to feel lonely.
He makes me feel happy, and secure, and loved.
He makes me feel good about myself when I can't think of one thing that is good about me.
He is my friend, and he is my lover, he is my reading buddy, and my swimming buddy.
Brian buys me cookies and video games and things to keep me happy and fat.
Brian will do anything to make sure I'm happy, and feel loved.
I love Brian's silly cheshire cat grin, and his whiskery face so full of love, and whiskers.
I'l l release that emo kid I keep inside.
---
I'm not nice. I don't know how to be nice, and happy and giving.
I don't like that I don't get attention for being everyone's angel.
I don't have much of a personality, and I never know what to say.
I'm just distant, just a spectator-- a commentator saying much too little much too late.
Nobody really likes me.
I just feel too stupid to identify with smart people.
Too irrational for rational people, to un-imagineative for free-thinkers.
Too boring for people who party, too mischievious for straight-edge-ers.
Too quiet to be normal.
My opinions don't matter to anyone.
I'm too pretentious, too silly, and (obviously) extremely forgettable.
If I dissappeared tomorrow I wouldn't leave behind anything that couldn't be replaced.
---
I don't feel any sadness it writing this, is it because it's not really how I see myself? Maybe I just accept things the way they are.
---
I'm a little empathetic, and somewhere in my heart i'm a little brave too, and I'm kinda knowledgable about things. I'll grow up, I'm the only person I know who has to conciously work on growing up, but I will be something good. I'll even work on doing what I say I'll do.
Well what choices do I really have?
I can't think of anything else to say.
I'll put the emo kid away.
---
I'm not nice. I don't know how to be nice, and happy and giving.
I don't like that I don't get attention for being everyone's angel.
I don't have much of a personality, and I never know what to say.
I'm just distant, just a spectator-- a commentator saying much too little much too late.
Nobody really likes me.
I just feel too stupid to identify with smart people.
Too irrational for rational people, to un-imagineative for free-thinkers.
Too boring for people who party, too mischievious for straight-edge-ers.
Too quiet to be normal.
My opinions don't matter to anyone.
I'm too pretentious, too silly, and (obviously) extremely forgettable.
If I dissappeared tomorrow I wouldn't leave behind anything that couldn't be replaced.
---
I don't feel any sadness it writing this, is it because it's not really how I see myself? Maybe I just accept things the way they are.
---
I'm a little empathetic, and somewhere in my heart i'm a little brave too, and I'm kinda knowledgable about things. I'll grow up, I'm the only person I know who has to conciously work on growing up, but I will be something good. I'll even work on doing what I say I'll do.
Well what choices do I really have?
I can't think of anything else to say.
I'll put the emo kid away.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Ha Ha, Fooled you!
I'm not really moving at all.
Well maybe not for a long time.
I have no idea, I thought I was, things change.
I'm always the last one to know about everything.
The silly thing is though I told everyone I was moving to Bradford.
Oopsy. I'm just anxious to get out of Coudersport and experience not-Coudersport things.
It's probably best to stay where I am. This is a really fucking sweet place Brian and I got here.
I should be counting my blessings.
I'm not really moving at all.
Well maybe not for a long time.
I have no idea, I thought I was, things change.
I'm always the last one to know about everything.
The silly thing is though I told everyone I was moving to Bradford.
Oopsy. I'm just anxious to get out of Coudersport and experience not-Coudersport things.
It's probably best to stay where I am. This is a really fucking sweet place Brian and I got here.
I should be counting my blessings.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Okay, it looks like I'll be moving much sooner than I thought. As soon as we find a suitable apartment and get a car we're outta here.
...But now that I think of it, that could be a very long time away. Wish I knew what the hell was going on.
Right now I can't say that I care about moving away from here, but then again it may just hit me hard later on.
...But now that I think of it, that could be a very long time away. Wish I knew what the hell was going on.
Right now I can't say that I care about moving away from here, but then again it may just hit me hard later on.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Sorry for misleading you, well I guess I really didn't lead you anywhere because it doesn't seem I'll be moving to Galeton after all. You see, I spend about 4 hours in Galeton for the Fireworks each year. The hole we were considering was the apartment above Fox's and it is ugly and reeks of pizza.
It seems that I could be moving to the glorious city of Bradford now.
There is a 90% chance of me staying in Pennsylvania. So, I guess, my future is still pretty uncertain.
It seems that I could be moving to the glorious city of Bradford now.
There is a 90% chance of me staying in Pennsylvania. So, I guess, my future is still pretty uncertain.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
So it seems I might be moving. To a place that reeks of pizza. To Coudersport 10 years ago.
I MIGHT be moving in less than three months. I really don't have anything better to do. I think I'll be happy there, despite the fact that where I'm going lacks, recreation, and social diversity . Actually I can't say for sure what is good or bad about this place because I never spent more than one night a year, at the most, a this place. Got a clue what I'm talking about? Probably not.
But I'll be sure to fill you in as the circumstances develop.
I MIGHT be moving in less than three months. I really don't have anything better to do. I think I'll be happy there, despite the fact that where I'm going lacks, recreation, and social diversity . Actually I can't say for sure what is good or bad about this place because I never spent more than one night a year, at the most, a this place. Got a clue what I'm talking about? Probably not.
But I'll be sure to fill you in as the circumstances develop.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Hooray for frequent updates.
Not much to tell except I've been living under a rock.
Oh yeah and I did somthing I promised not to do, I got my hair cut and dyed blonder. So am I out of the pretty hair club? Well I think its beautiful, best haircut number one!
Brian and I got an x-box 360 and Dead or Alive 4.. I think its 4, its pretty but I think I like me some Tekkin5 better. I bought a $30.99 Nine Inch Nails special edition disk set as a reward for all of my hard work at Subdungeon. Oh, look at me bragging like a preteen about how much money I spent on my All American Rejects T-Shirts and my brand new Vans. I'm just not used to spending so much money on myself, I'm so thrifty and cheap.
Anyway Subway is the best job ever except when I have to assemble subs in a line like mass production in a factory, start to finish over and over and over when it gets really busy.
I don't feel like asking, "are you sure you need ANOTHER footlong sub fatty?" Like I wanted to say at Original Italian Pigfest. "Yeah, another footlong but smother it in ranch dressing and bring out 50 more hot wings while your at it." People that come in to Subway seem to have more conservative appetites. Speeking of piggies I'm trying to loose a few pounds by eating healthy and exercising, let's all count together I've already made it one and a half days, If I actually attempt to go to the gym tonight we will call that Two days. Also I have to remember to not drink soda at work tonight, and to not smother my sub in mayo and bacon, pepperoni, ham or salami. No Italian BMTs! And certainly no cookies.
Not much to tell except I've been living under a rock.
Oh yeah and I did somthing I promised not to do, I got my hair cut and dyed blonder. So am I out of the pretty hair club? Well I think its beautiful, best haircut number one!
Brian and I got an x-box 360 and Dead or Alive 4.. I think its 4, its pretty but I think I like me some Tekkin5 better. I bought a $30.99 Nine Inch Nails special edition disk set as a reward for all of my hard work at Subdungeon. Oh, look at me bragging like a preteen about how much money I spent on my All American Rejects T-Shirts and my brand new Vans. I'm just not used to spending so much money on myself, I'm so thrifty and cheap.
Anyway Subway is the best job ever except when I have to assemble subs in a line like mass production in a factory, start to finish over and over and over when it gets really busy.
I don't feel like asking, "are you sure you need ANOTHER footlong sub fatty?" Like I wanted to say at Original Italian Pigfest. "Yeah, another footlong but smother it in ranch dressing and bring out 50 more hot wings while your at it." People that come in to Subway seem to have more conservative appetites. Speeking of piggies I'm trying to loose a few pounds by eating healthy and exercising, let's all count together I've already made it one and a half days, If I actually attempt to go to the gym tonight we will call that Two days. Also I have to remember to not drink soda at work tonight, and to not smother my sub in mayo and bacon, pepperoni, ham or salami. No Italian BMTs! And certainly no cookies.
Friday, December 30, 2005
I spent Christmas at my Gramma's house, like I always do. I had lutefisk and korv and rice pudding for dinner. Brian didn't seem to find our feast to be tasty or edible for that matter.
But he got to open presents with us!
Now observe me bragging about my material gains:
I got a digital camera, and two Final Fantasy wall scrolls from Brian.
I recieved warm jammies, slippers, a hat and a cell phone from momma.
Earrings, and a scarf from G-ma.
and a multitude of gift cards from everyone!
But he got to open presents with us!
Now observe me bragging about my material gains:
I got a digital camera, and two Final Fantasy wall scrolls from Brian.
I recieved warm jammies, slippers, a hat and a cell phone from momma.
Earrings, and a scarf from G-ma.
and a multitude of gift cards from everyone!
Friday, December 23, 2005
Hooray for migranes, or perhaps I'm just having a mild stroke? I freaked out at work when I coudn't see the left side of Swirvin' Irvin's face as I was handing him his usual small cup of coffee, and then I couldn't quite make out the numbers on the cash register because I had spots in front of my eyes. Then I tried to cut some bread but couldn't see the blade of the knife. Then I'm all like "I think I need to call a doctor,". But I didn't, I told Stacy I was having a migraine and that we needed to call somebody in. I just knew that either I was gonna die or have a terrible headache and nausea.
As soon as I got home I felt sick, and pain was throbbing in my head but I couldn't find the drugs, so I walked all the way to my momma's house and stole her very last IB2.
I wonder if it is weak to complain about a headache, but when I suddenly can't see, and I think I'm gonna die well I just donno what to do.
(This was a post from the 23rd of dec. just didn't get arount to posting.)
Later on Christa came to visit me, and we made swedish paper heart baskets. Yay.
As soon as I got home I felt sick, and pain was throbbing in my head but I couldn't find the drugs, so I walked all the way to my momma's house and stole her very last IB2.
I wonder if it is weak to complain about a headache, but when I suddenly can't see, and I think I'm gonna die well I just donno what to do.
(This was a post from the 23rd of dec. just didn't get arount to posting.)
Later on Christa came to visit me, and we made swedish paper heart baskets. Yay.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
This is the second night in a row I've almost died in my sleep. If it isn't dreams about the sky falling down or atomic bombs dropping on me, its avain flu, or fire. I keep having these wacky dreams that I'm about to die in some horrible manner, and I close my eyes and my heart beats so fast I think I'm gonna have a heart attack. So yall just better wish me bon voyage already.
I think its because I've been sitting around watching too much news, MSNBC, CNN and even the douchebaggy FOX news. I don't know why the hell I watch so much news anymore. It's probably because I just can't get enough of those pundits slamming each other. It's kinda like my substitute for watching football, or basketball, its one of my favorite sports.
I think its because I've been sitting around watching too much news, MSNBC, CNN and even the douchebaggy FOX news. I don't know why the hell I watch so much news anymore. It's probably because I just can't get enough of those pundits slamming each other. It's kinda like my substitute for watching football, or basketball, its one of my favorite sports.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Friday, December 02, 2005
Sometime between last year and now I turned 20.
I'm not a tweeny teeny-teen-teen anymore, so I'm taking down all of my posters of Green Day and The All American Rejects, (well maybe I'll leave the ones that I got out of Teen People.)
I got a kitten too. Don't know what to name it. I just call it "cute" and "AWW CUTE AS ALL HELL!".
I'm not a tweeny teeny-teen-teen anymore, so I'm taking down all of my posters of Green Day and The All American Rejects, (well maybe I'll leave the ones that I got out of Teen People.)
I got a kitten too. Don't know what to name it. I just call it "cute" and "AWW CUTE AS ALL HELL!".
Monday, November 21, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
"I'm going back to the OLD Naya."
There is no shame in being happy Naya.
There is shame in masking all of your true feelings to just be agreeable.
----------------
Is it better to comfy and complacent, or to make sacrifices that will only spin ones life into uncertainty?
Is their any real point in asking myself these questions?
Am I making myself sound like an idiot? Should I really care if I am?
Have I lost my identity?
Is my identity and personality attractive? What use would it be if that were so?
--------
I was told that caring too much for other people is self destructive.
Do I reach out to people, I perceive as weak, to try to save them from the problems in their life, when I ignore the problems in my own?
I do acknowledge the problems but I don't do a damn thing.
Am I where I should be?
Can I really say I'm doing the best?
Do I feel serene or jaded?
---
Tune in next time and find out!
There is no shame in being happy Naya.
There is shame in masking all of your true feelings to just be agreeable.
----------------
Is it better to comfy and complacent, or to make sacrifices that will only spin ones life into uncertainty?
Is their any real point in asking myself these questions?
Am I making myself sound like an idiot? Should I really care if I am?
Have I lost my identity?
Is my identity and personality attractive? What use would it be if that were so?
--------
I was told that caring too much for other people is self destructive.
Do I reach out to people, I perceive as weak, to try to save them from the problems in their life, when I ignore the problems in my own?
I do acknowledge the problems but I don't do a damn thing.
Am I where I should be?
Can I really say I'm doing the best?
Do I feel serene or jaded?
---
Tune in next time and find out!
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
So we shipped Bob off to the Navy yesterday. I guess thats all there is to say about that.
The Darrins went shopping in Williamsport at whatever their crummy mall is called. I got an Inu Yasha fluffy, fuwa-fuwa, cuddly soft blanket, and an Umbrella Corporation wristband, a Vash keychan and a purse from Guess that was $42.00 but I got it for $20.00.
Last night I broke into my savings for my shopping trip to Erie so what was once a wallscroll, three boxes of strawberry pocky and an anime chick action figure is now digesting Subway, McDonalds, and Sheetz sandwiches. Now I'm sad and poor, my livelyhood having been stripped away. Now left to consume Tuna without mayo and ramen with dehydrated corn.
Woe is me and my unfruitful life, the vine without any grapes!
Thats okay, food stamps are comin' next week! I hope...
So this is the season that turns the autumn leaves from green to brown, like my emotions from hope to somthing......... brown...
Well thats life, and looking around I guess I don't really have anything to be sad or anxious about.
The Darrins went shopping in Williamsport at whatever their crummy mall is called. I got an Inu Yasha fluffy, fuwa-fuwa, cuddly soft blanket, and an Umbrella Corporation wristband, a Vash keychan and a purse from Guess that was $42.00 but I got it for $20.00.
Last night I broke into my savings for my shopping trip to Erie so what was once a wallscroll, three boxes of strawberry pocky and an anime chick action figure is now digesting Subway, McDonalds, and Sheetz sandwiches. Now I'm sad and poor, my livelyhood having been stripped away. Now left to consume Tuna without mayo and ramen with dehydrated corn.
Woe is me and my unfruitful life, the vine without any grapes!
Thats okay, food stamps are comin' next week! I hope...
So this is the season that turns the autumn leaves from green to brown, like my emotions from hope to somthing......... brown...
Well thats life, and looking around I guess I don't really have anything to be sad or anxious about.
I got canned Friday night. Man, I knew it was gonna happen soon, but not that soon.
I dunno the real reason they fired me. I'm guessing that they just didn't like me. They probably thought I was creepy for not talking or somthing like that.
If they would have told me that I was inefficient-- that I took sloppy orders, worked slowly and messily, and got in everyone's way, well I would have believed them and I might feel a little more at ease to know what the hell I was doing wrong.
They fired me for really flimsy reasons though, that "Customers complain that I don't check on their tables." While I admit to not checking that frequently in the past I definitely have been improving within the last month or two and I definetly checked and double checked thoroughly when I was told to do better. Even if I did miss a table or two it was because I was making a sub, taking a phone order, at the cash register, or waiting at another table or two or three. Even when I ask for help nobody would come to help me, and if they did help me with one thing I would still have to do somthing besides. If my unability to complete all of these tasks at the same time was unaccceptable than you should have fired me for that.
I swear though that they must have been searching for reasons to fire me because its just bullshit. I was checking the tables.
The other reason was that "A customer complained on our web site that you looked stoned."
Another waitress told me that people say she looks stoned all the time.
Did they fire me because they thought I used drugs?
I don't use any sort of drug what-so-ever.
Did they fire me because I wasn't chipper and enthusiastic enough?
(heh.. heh.. yeah.. thats probably it)
Well they could have just told me I wasn't doing a good enough job being welcoming and friendly instead of insulting me. "....you look stoned.."
Then the bullshit of "Oh, I just found out 20 minutes ago that I would have to fire you." Bullshit
Even I knew for a full week that the axe was gonna drop.
Its just as well though, it would probably have been worse for me to continue to work there than to just move on...
I'll leave it at that I guess.
I dunno the real reason they fired me. I'm guessing that they just didn't like me. They probably thought I was creepy for not talking or somthing like that.
If they would have told me that I was inefficient-- that I took sloppy orders, worked slowly and messily, and got in everyone's way, well I would have believed them and I might feel a little more at ease to know what the hell I was doing wrong.
They fired me for really flimsy reasons though, that "Customers complain that I don't check on their tables." While I admit to not checking that frequently in the past I definitely have been improving within the last month or two and I definetly checked and double checked thoroughly when I was told to do better. Even if I did miss a table or two it was because I was making a sub, taking a phone order, at the cash register, or waiting at another table or two or three. Even when I ask for help nobody would come to help me, and if they did help me with one thing I would still have to do somthing besides. If my unability to complete all of these tasks at the same time was unaccceptable than you should have fired me for that.
I swear though that they must have been searching for reasons to fire me because its just bullshit. I was checking the tables.
The other reason was that "A customer complained on our web site that you looked stoned."
Another waitress told me that people say she looks stoned all the time.
Did they fire me because they thought I used drugs?
I don't use any sort of drug what-so-ever.
Did they fire me because I wasn't chipper and enthusiastic enough?
(heh.. heh.. yeah.. thats probably it)
Well they could have just told me I wasn't doing a good enough job being welcoming and friendly instead of insulting me. "....you look stoned.."
Then the bullshit of "Oh, I just found out 20 minutes ago that I would have to fire you." Bullshit
Even I knew for a full week that the axe was gonna drop.
Its just as well though, it would probably have been worse for me to continue to work there than to just move on...
I'll leave it at that I guess.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Is it just me, or does pop music on the MTV and radio really REALLY suck. I know it is supposed to be bad, but it just seems really awfully terrible. It seems its growing exponentially worse with each passing month. Maybe I'm just really out of it.
-----
I went to the potter county fair a couple days ago. Anybody else go? Wasn't it GREAT!
Just like the Maple Festival the County Fair lost its magic when I was too old to ride the kiddie rides. Well actually I'm not to old or too big, it just doesn't seem like much fun. Being smashed against the sweaty smelly sides of the 'Round Up' or 'UFO'. I would like to remember the fun I used to have, the way it used to be. Riding the Round up with Christa when the pirate guy ran the ride or turning myself upside-down on the UFO. That was the fucking shit!
Now.. I just like to go and see the cows and piggies and horses and the bunnies. I patted a cow on its nose and it looked at me like "WTF".
We tried to walk though the cow barn to get to the piggies and horses--and do you remember "running the gauntlet" in elementary gym class, where they toss the nerf balls and frisbees at you? Well, we had a similar experience doging the streams of cow urine, cow pies and cows making cow pies. We lost courage and had no choice but to turn back.
The thing that was really worth driving all the way to Millport for was to peer down the middle of the BINGO hall and see everyone's fat rears hanging off the benchs. I think I saw myself in a few years there. I ate some fried dough, and mini donuts and a soft pretzel, I don't mean I ate them all, I shared with Mom and Bon.
As we were about to leave momma bought Bon a squishy sticky mouse and Bon squeezed it to hard and it popped and sprayed mysterious sticky liquid on the ground. Mom said she can't remember the time she saw two dollars go down the drain so fast.
Well, I can. That was when I saw Matt Sallade use a claw machine a the Olean Mall.
-----
I went to the potter county fair a couple days ago. Anybody else go? Wasn't it GREAT!
Just like the Maple Festival the County Fair lost its magic when I was too old to ride the kiddie rides. Well actually I'm not to old or too big, it just doesn't seem like much fun. Being smashed against the sweaty smelly sides of the 'Round Up' or 'UFO'. I would like to remember the fun I used to have, the way it used to be. Riding the Round up with Christa when the pirate guy ran the ride or turning myself upside-down on the UFO. That was the fucking shit!
Now.. I just like to go and see the cows and piggies and horses and the bunnies. I patted a cow on its nose and it looked at me like "WTF".
We tried to walk though the cow barn to get to the piggies and horses--and do you remember "running the gauntlet" in elementary gym class, where they toss the nerf balls and frisbees at you? Well, we had a similar experience doging the streams of cow urine, cow pies and cows making cow pies. We lost courage and had no choice but to turn back.
The thing that was really worth driving all the way to Millport for was to peer down the middle of the BINGO hall and see everyone's fat rears hanging off the benchs. I think I saw myself in a few years there. I ate some fried dough, and mini donuts and a soft pretzel, I don't mean I ate them all, I shared with Mom and Bon.
As we were about to leave momma bought Bon a squishy sticky mouse and Bon squeezed it to hard and it popped and sprayed mysterious sticky liquid on the ground. Mom said she can't remember the time she saw two dollars go down the drain so fast.
Well, I can. That was when I saw Matt Sallade use a claw machine a the Olean Mall.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
I'm going to the gym tomorrow and I am so excited! WOO YAY!
I feel so schlumpy and tired all the time. This is absolutely what I need to make me feel all perky and stuff again! I hope I can keep going everyday for forever, but I bet I'll run out of money or be too lazy to walk outside when it gets cold.
I feel so schlumpy and tired all the time. This is absolutely what I need to make me feel all perky and stuff again! I hope I can keep going everyday for forever, but I bet I'll run out of money or be too lazy to walk outside when it gets cold.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
I'm kinda living at 310 Vine Street. Thats Brian's apartment if you didn't know. If you ever wanna hang out or need to speak to me that is where I will be. You can also send me mail and ransom notes at this address because it is my official mailing address. Please come over some time seriously! I'm extending this invitation to anyone.
Friday, June 24, 2005
I'm taking a computer class at the Potter County Education Council. I'm learning absolutely everything I already learned in Office Tech in high school but I'll have a $350 dollar piece of paper that says I'm proficient in it!
Maybe I'll take other computer classes so I can qualify to be an Adelphia or Telcove drone!
Wish I had somthing exciting to say..
Maybe I'll take other computer classes so I can qualify to be an Adelphia or Telcove drone!
Wish I had somthing exciting to say..
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Friday, May 20, 2005
So, it seems I will be a part-time waitress at OIP pretty soon. I'm excited because now I will have money but also nervous because I am such an ass-backward screw up. How could I screw up waitressing? I'll show you!
Anyway, I am very thankful to Sammy for setting me up to get this job, like you have no idea. Totally.
-----
I passed my drivers permit test, and I have my drivers permit. The trouble is that I don't get much driving time because my parents are always busy and I have to split the time with Brian. I'll never learn. But Brian is doing really good. He is so hot when he drives.
-----
I'm moving up in the world, (ha HA HA). I'm still way behind. I won't be considered a human until I go to college.
----
I am lonely. I feel almost completely alienated by my friends. It just shouldn't be this way. Whats going wrong?
Anyway, I am very thankful to Sammy for setting me up to get this job, like you have no idea. Totally.
-----
I passed my drivers permit test, and I have my drivers permit. The trouble is that I don't get much driving time because my parents are always busy and I have to split the time with Brian. I'll never learn. But Brian is doing really good. He is so hot when he drives.
-----
I'm moving up in the world, (ha HA HA). I'm still way behind. I won't be considered a human until I go to college.
----
I am lonely. I feel almost completely alienated by my friends. It just shouldn't be this way. Whats going wrong?
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Brian's B-Day
5/7/05
The anniversary of when Brian fell out of the cutest cloud in the sky.
We went yard sailing, and went to Radio Shack and the town had a festival and a parade in his honor.
We stopped at a bar in Roulette and Brian had an awesome hamburger and pizza and a few songs on the juke box. Brian had a birthday wish come true, and had reoccuring birthday nightmares. I suppose it had to be one of the better he has had. I love my Brian.
------
The Maple Fesitval sucked. I guess it really hasn't been that interesting to me since I got too old to ride the kiddie rides. Brian and I went yard sailing instead of hanging out downtown. Brian planned to get us up early so we could snatch all of the good stuff, and we did. I got a Tenchi Muyo movie, Kiki's Delivery Service and two Sailor Moon Movies at a yard sale (I just can't kick this anime habit). On Friday, we picked up a Sega Genesis with Sonic 2 and Sonic 3D and Street Fighter 2 Super, and Eathworm Jim 1 and 2. So the yard sales made up for the sucky festival.
The art show was probably the best part about the Maple Festival this year. I only won an Honorable Mention ribbon which is kind of a dissapointment, but I understand that they can't give me a Blue ribbon every year, "good lord, give the children a chance (haughty laugh)." So I guess I gotta come back and kick everyone's ass next year.
Anyway, I absolutely have to tell you this:
My G'ma and Momma were chatting with this courthouse maintenence man during the festival. The maintenence man told them how the carnee (carnival people (is that spelled right ?).) people showed up a day early wanting to set up. Since they weren't expected for another day, and the port-o-potties were not set up yet, the carnee people had to think of a suitable place to loosen their loads. Well, you know how there is a stairwell on one side of the courthouse (well if you didn't know, you do now) that leads to some offices in the basement? The maintenece man had to clean up all this carnee excrement, maxi pads and everything. They just squatted over the stairs....
5/7/05
The anniversary of when Brian fell out of the cutest cloud in the sky.
We went yard sailing, and went to Radio Shack and the town had a festival and a parade in his honor.
We stopped at a bar in Roulette and Brian had an awesome hamburger and pizza and a few songs on the juke box. Brian had a birthday wish come true, and had reoccuring birthday nightmares. I suppose it had to be one of the better he has had. I love my Brian.
------
The Maple Fesitval sucked. I guess it really hasn't been that interesting to me since I got too old to ride the kiddie rides. Brian and I went yard sailing instead of hanging out downtown. Brian planned to get us up early so we could snatch all of the good stuff, and we did. I got a Tenchi Muyo movie, Kiki's Delivery Service and two Sailor Moon Movies at a yard sale (I just can't kick this anime habit). On Friday, we picked up a Sega Genesis with Sonic 2 and Sonic 3D and Street Fighter 2 Super, and Eathworm Jim 1 and 2. So the yard sales made up for the sucky festival.
The art show was probably the best part about the Maple Festival this year. I only won an Honorable Mention ribbon which is kind of a dissapointment, but I understand that they can't give me a Blue ribbon every year, "good lord, give the children a chance (haughty laugh)." So I guess I gotta come back and kick everyone's ass next year.
Anyway, I absolutely have to tell you this:
My G'ma and Momma were chatting with this courthouse maintenence man during the festival. The maintenence man told them how the carnee (carnival people (is that spelled right ?).) people showed up a day early wanting to set up. Since they weren't expected for another day, and the port-o-potties were not set up yet, the carnee people had to think of a suitable place to loosen their loads. Well, you know how there is a stairwell on one side of the courthouse (well if you didn't know, you do now) that leads to some offices in the basement? The maintenece man had to clean up all this carnee excrement, maxi pads and everything. They just squatted over the stairs....
Monday, May 02, 2005
Two days ago I was browsing my old journals from way back, to see if my writings had any intellectual substance.
It seems that 11 year old Naya was half retarded.
I present to you a list of people who annoyed me most, written on the date of November 17th 1997:
top ten people that annoy me
10. Christa Haskell
9. Cecil Dubots
8. all contry music singers
7. Nathan Salladay
6. Dad
5. Barney*
4. Mr. Rodgers**
3. Jed Davis
2. Bonnie
1. Bobby
----------
*The purple dinosaur
*The cardigan wearing, special television friend.
-----
Here is a poem I wrote sometime in '97:
Look, Look lights in the sky,
the fly down low and they fly real high in the sky.
Where they go I do not know.
Flashin Flashin in the sky why there there
I do not Know.
It seems that 11 year old Naya was half retarded.
I present to you a list of people who annoyed me most, written on the date of November 17th 1997:
top ten people that annoy me
10. Christa Haskell
9. Cecil Dubots
8. all contry music singers
7. Nathan Salladay
6. Dad
5. Barney*
4. Mr. Rodgers**
3. Jed Davis
2. Bonnie
1. Bobby
----------
*The purple dinosaur
*The cardigan wearing, special television friend.
-----
Here is a poem I wrote sometime in '97:
Look, Look lights in the sky,
the fly down low and they fly real high in the sky.
Where they go I do not know.
Flashin Flashin in the sky why there there
I do not Know.
Friday, April 15, 2005
I started a big fuckin' fire today.
So I was thinking about doing some chores today so that I wouldn't look completely lazy. I dragged this hefty black bag that was dripping with dog piss out to the burn patch. I was going to burn some papers. I thought it was a nice day, and not too windy. Big mistake.
Now, I usually take a minute to think about how flammable the wooded surroudings are: The big white pine surrounded by brown needles, the dead hemlock trees, and the abandoned tree house playset, not to mention the dry, brittle brush piles lying between everything. I always imagine the fire spreading from the burn patch to the brush to the dead hemlock and the pine needles and to the trees causing a massive conflagration. Yet that never stops me from lighting that match and torching that massive pile of newspapers sitting on top of more newspapers and more newspapers. Only when the fire had been burning for a few minutes had I realized that it was a bit more windy than I had supposed. I threw a couple of thick branches on the fire to keep the wind from blowing it around, it seemed like a problem solved. Well I went back inside of the house to see what Brian was up to. I called Christa too. I was in the house for about five minutes and then I went to look out the window to see what the fire was up to and I saw a lot of fire. "Thats a lot of fire," I thought for a second, and then I realized that the fire had spread to the trees just like I imagined it would, but I imagined it happening to someone else. I ran outside with a bucket full of dog piss water and I realized that it wasn't going to be enough. Some neighbor lady was standing in the side yard and was all like "You better do somthing about that, call the fire department." So I ran back inside and dialed "914". Then I said "shit" then, dialed "911111", then I said "shit" and then I dialed "911" and the phone wasn't on and then I tried to turn the phone on and it wouldn't turn on, and I said "shit shit shit". Brian came down stairs and asked me what the matter was and I said, "look out the window there is a fucking fire, and the phone won't work, shit." Brian said he knew how to get it to work he was shaking that damn piece of shit phone and told me to "go out and tell Bon to get away from the fire." Bon was splashing water on the fire, and some Penn DOT guys were spraying the fire with extinguishers from behind the fence. Thank fucking god, somehow that actually put it out. Bon dragged the garden hose out and it didn't reach to the trees so we had to keep filling buckets and dousing everything. The neighbor next door who is a vampire actually came out in the daylight and sprayed the fire with his garden hose and helped rake up the remaining brush. I guess he isn't a vampire after all he is actually pretty nice.
I wonder if I'm gonna get yelled at for this, its not like its entirely my fault that the fire pit is built too close to the trees and that Bob stacked all that brush and shit there. I am so thankful that those people came over to help stop the fire. I'm glad that we never did get in touch with the fire department because I probably would have gotten fined, and it would be so damned embarassing.
So I was thinking about doing some chores today so that I wouldn't look completely lazy. I dragged this hefty black bag that was dripping with dog piss out to the burn patch. I was going to burn some papers. I thought it was a nice day, and not too windy. Big mistake.
Now, I usually take a minute to think about how flammable the wooded surroudings are: The big white pine surrounded by brown needles, the dead hemlock trees, and the abandoned tree house playset, not to mention the dry, brittle brush piles lying between everything. I always imagine the fire spreading from the burn patch to the brush to the dead hemlock and the pine needles and to the trees causing a massive conflagration. Yet that never stops me from lighting that match and torching that massive pile of newspapers sitting on top of more newspapers and more newspapers. Only when the fire had been burning for a few minutes had I realized that it was a bit more windy than I had supposed. I threw a couple of thick branches on the fire to keep the wind from blowing it around, it seemed like a problem solved. Well I went back inside of the house to see what Brian was up to. I called Christa too. I was in the house for about five minutes and then I went to look out the window to see what the fire was up to and I saw a lot of fire. "Thats a lot of fire," I thought for a second, and then I realized that the fire had spread to the trees just like I imagined it would, but I imagined it happening to someone else. I ran outside with a bucket full of dog piss water and I realized that it wasn't going to be enough. Some neighbor lady was standing in the side yard and was all like "You better do somthing about that, call the fire department." So I ran back inside and dialed "914". Then I said "shit" then, dialed "911111", then I said "shit" and then I dialed "911" and the phone wasn't on and then I tried to turn the phone on and it wouldn't turn on, and I said "shit shit shit". Brian came down stairs and asked me what the matter was and I said, "look out the window there is a fucking fire, and the phone won't work, shit." Brian said he knew how to get it to work he was shaking that damn piece of shit phone and told me to "go out and tell Bon to get away from the fire." Bon was splashing water on the fire, and some Penn DOT guys were spraying the fire with extinguishers from behind the fence. Thank fucking god, somehow that actually put it out. Bon dragged the garden hose out and it didn't reach to the trees so we had to keep filling buckets and dousing everything. The neighbor next door who is a vampire actually came out in the daylight and sprayed the fire with his garden hose and helped rake up the remaining brush. I guess he isn't a vampire after all he is actually pretty nice.
I wonder if I'm gonna get yelled at for this, its not like its entirely my fault that the fire pit is built too close to the trees and that Bob stacked all that brush and shit there. I am so thankful that those people came over to help stop the fire. I'm glad that we never did get in touch with the fire department because I probably would have gotten fined, and it would be so damned embarassing.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
I am in love with Resident Evil 4. It is unbelievably, impossibly fun. I simply adore popping the heads off evil monks with the sniper rifle. I love blasting Los Ganados off rooftops and ski lifts, and ladders. I've played way to much of it today though I need to think about somthing else before I go to sleep.
Monday, February 14, 2005
HAPPY VD
Valentines Day is for Bitches
------
I almost died again today no fuckin' thanks to the narcoleptic old man. We were coming home from Bradford, and in sight of the "Welcome to Coudersport" sign the old man nodded off, crossed the center line and swerved off the road. I was spaced out at the moment and didn't notice, but Brian yelled "HEY TOM!" and I squealed "Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus-GOD!" as we went off the road and plowed over innocent shrubbery until we came to a stop. Then the old guy tries to back out but hits a signpost with the back of the car. Somehow he managed backing the shitty old cavalier station wagon out without hitting somthing the second time. Brian and I were silent, glaring at the old man, and glancing at each other with the "that was too fucking close" look. How the hell we managed avoiding oncoming traffic, a tree, and a signpost, I don't know. Jesus must have been riding with us that day, because the old man had been pulling crap like that for the most part of that trip. You would think that from the last time Brian and I got in the car with the old man we would never do it again; last time the old man almost smashed us into a train.
Well this time I can guarentee you that I will not get in a car with the old man again, not anytime soon and, not at without 2 awake co-pilots in the car at the same time. Stupid videogames are not worth sacrificing my life for.
-------
I 've had a wonderful day besides that, I'm so happy and fat and loved. I hope everyone had a good day.
------
I don't know what is worse, vindictive dishonesty or arrogant flaunting honesty. Your all maggot breeders with your bloated drama, I can only hope they stop at your rotteness and not consume you entirely.
Valentines Day is for Bitches
------
I almost died again today no fuckin' thanks to the narcoleptic old man. We were coming home from Bradford, and in sight of the "Welcome to Coudersport" sign the old man nodded off, crossed the center line and swerved off the road. I was spaced out at the moment and didn't notice, but Brian yelled "HEY TOM!" and I squealed "Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus-GOD!" as we went off the road and plowed over innocent shrubbery until we came to a stop. Then the old guy tries to back out but hits a signpost with the back of the car. Somehow he managed backing the shitty old cavalier station wagon out without hitting somthing the second time. Brian and I were silent, glaring at the old man, and glancing at each other with the "that was too fucking close" look. How the hell we managed avoiding oncoming traffic, a tree, and a signpost, I don't know. Jesus must have been riding with us that day, because the old man had been pulling crap like that for the most part of that trip. You would think that from the last time Brian and I got in the car with the old man we would never do it again; last time the old man almost smashed us into a train.
Well this time I can guarentee you that I will not get in a car with the old man again, not anytime soon and, not at without 2 awake co-pilots in the car at the same time. Stupid videogames are not worth sacrificing my life for.
-------
I 've had a wonderful day besides that, I'm so happy and fat and loved. I hope everyone had a good day.
------
I don't know what is worse, vindictive dishonesty or arrogant flaunting honesty. Your all maggot breeders with your bloated drama, I can only hope they stop at your rotteness and not consume you entirely.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Anybody wonder where I've been? Naw, probably not..
Anyway, I've been sick for the most part of this week, with a fever, congestion, hacking cough, and a sore throat that rivals the pain of strep. Thank my lucky stars that it wasn't strep throat, lol. I don't think I picked it up from Christa, I got it from Brian who got it from Kwik Fill. I thought I would be a saint and nurse him back to health, but ended up having to nurse the both of us for the whole week. I'm kind of glad he is back at work now because it was not comfortable spending all that time together attached at the hip while we were sick. But I absolutely love him more than ever.
-------
I have a Gamecube now, somebody come over and play with me.
Anyway, I've been sick for the most part of this week, with a fever, congestion, hacking cough, and a sore throat that rivals the pain of strep. Thank my lucky stars that it wasn't strep throat, lol. I don't think I picked it up from Christa, I got it from Brian who got it from Kwik Fill. I thought I would be a saint and nurse him back to health, but ended up having to nurse the both of us for the whole week. I'm kind of glad he is back at work now because it was not comfortable spending all that time together attached at the hip while we were sick. But I absolutely love him more than ever.
-------
I have a Gamecube now, somebody come over and play with me.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Howtah Sound Like Yerfrum Podder Kounny.
(How to sound like a native of Potter County, Pennsylvania.)
It's, uh, my personal opinion, that Coudurrsport has, like, the best educated people of the, um, many small districks of Podder Kounny, 'cuz we have to live up to higher standerds of the, um, like, 'delphia people so we ken get good jobs and stuff. But they're all dum flatlanders and we can tell them 'delphia people from us, cuz they all drive silver cars and prenounce things all wrong. Like, um, The Elementary School, its El-uh-men-TARY not Eluh-menTREE, and I know thats how it is 'cuz the people onna radio sayit that way and so does everyone else I know.
The othernight I was sittin' around with my boyfriend whose-one-nuh them people from outtatown and I asked him, "whachu-wachin'? " ('cuzzy was wachin' TV) and I was like, " I seen than the othernight and it ain't too good, well, like, it was gooder than that 'Mer'can Idol isaw the othernight with my Nanna and Pap-Pap. And he was like," gooder isn't a word." An I hate it when he hastah, like, show off. Then he says somthing like, "I paid attention in English Class," and I was like, "SO DIDN'T I !!".
(How to sound like a native of Potter County, Pennsylvania.)
It's, uh, my personal opinion, that Coudurrsport has, like, the best educated people of the, um, many small districks of Podder Kounny, 'cuz we have to live up to higher standerds of the, um, like, 'delphia people so we ken get good jobs and stuff. But they're all dum flatlanders and we can tell them 'delphia people from us, cuz they all drive silver cars and prenounce things all wrong. Like, um, The Elementary School, its El-uh-men-TARY not Eluh-menTREE, and I know thats how it is 'cuz the people onna radio sayit that way and so does everyone else I know.
The othernight I was sittin' around with my boyfriend whose-one-nuh them people from outtatown and I asked him, "whachu-wachin'? " ('cuzzy was wachin' TV) and I was like, " I seen than the othernight and it ain't too good, well, like, it was gooder than that 'Mer'can Idol isaw the othernight with my Nanna and Pap-Pap. And he was like," gooder isn't a word." An I hate it when he hastah, like, show off. Then he says somthing like, "I paid attention in English Class," and I was like, "SO DIDN'T I !!".
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Friday, January 14, 2005
I feel lonely. I miss my friends so much. Is it my fault--their's? . Even if it was their fault, would they even care? I think it all just gets muddled up between us all. Is everyone where they want to be? I can't honestly say that I am where I want to be. At any time of day, I just want be somewhere else, I just want do things my way. I want to be with my friends, I want to draw and paint and create again, I need to socialize. All of my day's seem gray. I live everyday like I will live forever, my days are just garbage to discard. I don't want to be married when I'm 20, don't want to be a young welfare mom. How can I just say all of this, like I don't have the most abundant love I've ever known bestowed to me on a daily basis? I can't seem to find the balance between loving my friends, and my boyfriend, and myself. Things just don't seem right. I've felt confused about this for almost a year. Maybe I need to just stop hoping for more, gotta lower my expectactions to less than a quarter of what I hoped to be. Maybe I need to get off my ass and fix things, maybe I have to find joy in the obvious comfort and love I experience everyday. I need to feel alive again, need to go experience life. I feel so isolated, what the heck am I supposed to do? I feel like such a silly loser.
Friday, January 07, 2005
I fell asleep listening to some trancey music about a week ago and I've been stuck this entire time
"flying into a red, red sun over Ibiza". Make it stop. I don't know where or what an Ibiza is. Someone please tell me.
---------
It seems I did have my Christmas wish come true, all of my buddies are alive. Even people I never thought I would see again somehow materialized. God bless us, everyone!
--------
So I'm happy as all hell. Its probably wrong to be so happy. If the Naya of exactly a year ago met the Naya of exactly today, she would hate me so much she would punch me exactly in the kidneys.
"flying into a red, red sun over Ibiza". Make it stop. I don't know where or what an Ibiza is. Someone please tell me.
---------
It seems I did have my Christmas wish come true, all of my buddies are alive. Even people I never thought I would see again somehow materialized. God bless us, everyone!
--------
So I'm happy as all hell. Its probably wrong to be so happy. If the Naya of exactly a year ago met the Naya of exactly today, she would hate me so much she would punch me exactly in the kidneys.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Merry Christmas
goddam spoiled rotten kids....
Yesterday my family went to Gramma's for christmas eve dinner.
In the afternoon I pigged out on pickled herring, bond-ost, and summer sausage.
Later I had dinner: ham, korv, rye bread, lutefisk, and rice pudding. After that we opened our presents(I didn't get anything I put on my blog's Christmas list so I guess I'll have to wait till next year and get a job). After that we all had dessert: Christmas cookies and fruit soup.
Today was pretty much the same except I brought Brian with me to see what a picture perfect Christmas looked like. Brian didn't even have to sit at the kidde table next to the cat box like every other year. Maybe I spoiled a cherished tradition for him, lol.
For dinner today I had roast beef, rye bread, croissant roll, and brussel sprouts for dinner. And I can't wait till next year cause the spirit of christmas is not in presents, but in Christmas dinner and dessert and a million snacks in between! I'm such a piggy!
goddam spoiled rotten kids....
Yesterday my family went to Gramma's for christmas eve dinner.
In the afternoon I pigged out on pickled herring, bond-ost, and summer sausage.
Later I had dinner: ham, korv, rye bread, lutefisk, and rice pudding. After that we opened our presents(I didn't get anything I put on my blog's Christmas list so I guess I'll have to wait till next year and get a job). After that we all had dessert: Christmas cookies and fruit soup.
Today was pretty much the same except I brought Brian with me to see what a picture perfect Christmas looked like. Brian didn't even have to sit at the kidde table next to the cat box like every other year. Maybe I spoiled a cherished tradition for him, lol.
For dinner today I had roast beef, rye bread, croissant roll, and brussel sprouts for dinner. And I can't wait till next year cause the spirit of christmas is not in presents, but in Christmas dinner and dessert and a million snacks in between! I'm such a piggy!
Monday, December 06, 2004
Happy (late) Thanksgiving!
Life is still good. Hooray for happiness.
Christmas is coming
here is my wish list:
- adigital camera
- sexy underware
- anything warm and fuzzy
- beautiful, wonderful, shiny things
- pickled herring
- PS2
- Gameboy advanced or DS
- most of all I want to know that ALL of my friends and buddies are happy or at least alive
-----------------------------------
B-days continued:
Nate: Mar 15
Matthew: Nov 10
Life is still good. Hooray for happiness.
Christmas is coming
here is my wish list:
- adigital camera
- sexy underware
- anything warm and fuzzy
- beautiful, wonderful, shiny things
- pickled herring
- PS2
- Gameboy advanced or DS
- most of all I want to know that ALL of my friends and buddies are happy or at least alive
-----------------------------------
B-days continued:
Nate: Mar 15
Matthew: Nov 10
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Today I am this many years old:
--( holds up 19 fingers).
I'm an old lady now and I'm gonna take up knitting and quilting start bitching about everything 'cause I'm a bitter old hag.
Isn't 19 the age you stop growing?
Stop growing, start dying. I think I heard that breasts can continue growing until your mid-twenties. There is still hope for me yet... hah
-- So I guess I'm supposed to be a responsible adult by now, or I could opt to be an emotionally and mentally immature college kid. Hmmm this is what CHS guidence counselors call making a life choice...
-F' that.
I'll just live at home until I'm 30.
I had fun last night/this morning. I love my friends.
So I'll try to remember your bithdays when they come up
Christa: Apr. 11
Sammy: Jun. 7
Brian: May 7
Sparky: May 8
Jimmy: Sep. 9
Ed: Nov. 17
Looks like I've missed a few ahhg.. well slap me with a trout or somthin'..
--( holds up 19 fingers).
I'm an old lady now and I'm gonna take up knitting and quilting start bitching about everything 'cause I'm a bitter old hag.
Isn't 19 the age you stop growing?
Stop growing, start dying. I think I heard that breasts can continue growing until your mid-twenties. There is still hope for me yet... hah
-- So I guess I'm supposed to be a responsible adult by now, or I could opt to be an emotionally and mentally immature college kid. Hmmm this is what CHS guidence counselors call making a life choice...
-F' that.
I'll just live at home until I'm 30.
I had fun last night/this morning. I love my friends.
So I'll try to remember your bithdays when they come up
Christa: Apr. 11
Sammy: Jun. 7
Brian: May 7
Sparky: May 8
Jimmy: Sep. 9
Ed: Nov. 17
Looks like I've missed a few ahhg.. well slap me with a trout or somthin'..
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Happy Halloween
you shmucks!
..So life isn't so bad cause I don't have to baby sit the old man, no urinal dumping, no food cooking nothing.
Hooray for me! Look at me and my unabashed lack of simpathy for the old man's health!
-------
I can't wait for all this election crap to be over, I feel like a dumb-ass getting all worked up about it like every other shmuck in the country. I want Bush to lose so bad.. oooooooooo. Burn in hell Busshy!! I want your loss to be a loss for the unborn, a loss for the catholics and the baptists, and right-wing nutcases, for FOX news, for crackers and rednecks and , for the unreasonably selsfishly rich corporations. I want you to lose for Penn York camp, and potter county and all snooty republicans. I wan't your loss to be a tremendous loss to jesus. I want your loss to be loss for all those blinded by red-white and blue, god fearing bible-thumping manifest destiny imperialist patriotism. A loss for Bush is a loss for the "optimists"-- for Texas-- and for "mer'ca"
you shmucks!
..So life isn't so bad cause I don't have to baby sit the old man, no urinal dumping, no food cooking nothing.
Hooray for me! Look at me and my unabashed lack of simpathy for the old man's health!
-------
I can't wait for all this election crap to be over, I feel like a dumb-ass getting all worked up about it like every other shmuck in the country. I want Bush to lose so bad.. oooooooooo. Burn in hell Busshy!! I want your loss to be a loss for the unborn, a loss for the catholics and the baptists, and right-wing nutcases, for FOX news, for crackers and rednecks and , for the unreasonably selsfishly rich corporations. I want you to lose for Penn York camp, and potter county and all snooty republicans. I wan't your loss to be a tremendous loss to jesus. I want your loss to be loss for all those blinded by red-white and blue, god fearing bible-thumping manifest destiny imperialist patriotism. A loss for Bush is a loss for the "optimists"-- for Texas-- and for "mer'ca"
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
For those of you who don't know, the old man fell off a ladder while painting the apartment house in the back yard he broke his shoulder and ankle.
Guess who has to nurse him back to health when he gets out of the hospital?
CAN YOU TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS!
GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH %@#&* fuck fuck fuck fuck!
I have very little patience and sympathy for sick, whiny, suffering men!
This is somthing I cannot change about myself.
No doubt I will probably end up throwing the old guy down the basement stairs or putting rat poision in his chicken soup.
Good god!Try to imagine babysitting your old man!
Guess who has to nurse him back to health when he gets out of the hospital?
CAN YOU TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS!
GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH %@#&* fuck fuck fuck fuck!
I have very little patience and sympathy for sick, whiny, suffering men!
This is somthing I cannot change about myself.
No doubt I will probably end up throwing the old guy down the basement stairs or putting rat poision in his chicken soup.
Good god!Try to imagine babysitting your old man!
Monday, October 04, 2004
Friday, September 24, 2004
Graduating Highschool was the cure for my teenage angst; those trivial matters that once made me want to hurtle myself over a cliff have for the most part, dissolved to nothing. I don't worry so much about what kind of sneakers or fuzzy sweatbands will define me as a person. I don't add up everyone of my mistakes and miscalculations as an exponential expression ultimatly defining my complete incompetance.(big.. words.. gasp-wheeze...). I don't think I'm stupid anymore just because I CAN NOT play volleyball, and purposely did not try to get good grades in school. I don't have to worry about a reputation, having people think I'm anything at all, whether it be a cool weird kid, an artist, an imaginative or intelligent individual. I also feel better now that I have nobody to measure myself against, no models to follow, or anyone to look up to or down on. Being a hermit has its benefits.
I think things are getting better for me, the stuff that bothers me not bothering me so much anymore....
I've felt blind of my own identity and now finally feel like I'm really getting to know who the hell I really am. Cause as you all know, I'm not doing much now but playing videogames, and bumming about town with my boyfriend. Yeah I'm lazy. But I've had so much time to think about what went so horribly wrong in Highschool and what the fuck I can do to not beat up on myself in the future. I have so much time to sit and think about myself, the "hows" and "whys" and the "WTFs". I decided that my mind and my emotions are so intricately flawed (fucked up), that it will take some time to tear out all the seams, and unravel all that junk and fix it again. Kind of like equipping and re-equipping materia... or somthing like that. Jeeze I went into this depressed and wanting to tell you about it but I just can't concentrate...
I remember feeling so desperately sad from being lost and blind of who or what I am, and sad because I could hardly relate to anyone, that I wished for a mirror for my soul, to remember what it looks like.
Thanks to you I'm learning how to speak my emotions in almost coherent complete sentences, and now I am becoming less fearful of my arch enemy Pretentiousness, as Truth finally fuckin comes out! I can finally think about and say what I'm feeling even though it still takes a behemoth amount of effort. I thank you for putting up with my selfishness. I have learned more about myself and who I am through you in only 6 months, than I have ever learned from myself.
Anyway life for me is not completely "wooo! shiny!".
Tonight it hit me this very sad feeling I've been repressing for some long time.. I feel it now as I'm thinking what to type here..
I just feel like my other half is torn from me, my real other half. The one who knows what "duhsign" is, the one who knows the joy it brings to your heart to kick a dog across the room.
It's Friday night and I'm not trying to get spiffied up for a school dance or walking down to Jimmy's to hang out. I'm not pretending to be plotting some anarchist plan, I'm not drawing either. It's my own fault for feeling dead, I forgot myself.
I'm just lonely for my friends, when I see you again please don't make me feel like a stranger I'll slit my wrists.
I think things are getting better for me, the stuff that bothers me not bothering me so much anymore....
I've felt blind of my own identity and now finally feel like I'm really getting to know who the hell I really am. Cause as you all know, I'm not doing much now but playing videogames, and bumming about town with my boyfriend. Yeah I'm lazy. But I've had so much time to think about what went so horribly wrong in Highschool and what the fuck I can do to not beat up on myself in the future. I have so much time to sit and think about myself, the "hows" and "whys" and the "WTFs". I decided that my mind and my emotions are so intricately flawed (fucked up), that it will take some time to tear out all the seams, and unravel all that junk and fix it again. Kind of like equipping and re-equipping materia... or somthing like that. Jeeze I went into this depressed and wanting to tell you about it but I just can't concentrate...
I remember feeling so desperately sad from being lost and blind of who or what I am, and sad because I could hardly relate to anyone, that I wished for a mirror for my soul, to remember what it looks like.
Thanks to you I'm learning how to speak my emotions in almost coherent complete sentences, and now I am becoming less fearful of my arch enemy Pretentiousness, as Truth finally fuckin comes out! I can finally think about and say what I'm feeling even though it still takes a behemoth amount of effort. I thank you for putting up with my selfishness. I have learned more about myself and who I am through you in only 6 months, than I have ever learned from myself.
Anyway life for me is not completely "wooo! shiny!".
Tonight it hit me this very sad feeling I've been repressing for some long time.. I feel it now as I'm thinking what to type here..
I just feel like my other half is torn from me, my real other half. The one who knows what "duhsign" is, the one who knows the joy it brings to your heart to kick a dog across the room.
It's Friday night and I'm not trying to get spiffied up for a school dance or walking down to Jimmy's to hang out. I'm not pretending to be plotting some anarchist plan, I'm not drawing either. It's my own fault for feeling dead, I forgot myself.
I'm just lonely for my friends, when I see you again please don't make me feel like a stranger I'll slit my wrists.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Hah, I'm sitting writing this while you shmucks are in school. I feel empathy for you though. So thats why I'm spending my days cleaning the house, so I can share in the feeling of having to go through redundant torture. I'm also looking for jobs now, because I feel like I have to hate my life like the rest of the world. Take some time today to remember me while your half asleep in math class, and I will take some time to think of you while I sweep mouse turds off the back porch.
Friday, August 20, 2004
stop the insanity! as Susan Powder used to say (way before your time you dirty shmucks).
Look here I hate always being a downer and smearing shitty stuff on my blog all the time but I wanna know what the fuck is making everyone nuts these days, what is going on!? I get pretty worried when I hear that bad stuff is happining to the people closest to me from a secondary or tertiary source, such as a supid blog post. I would try to ask and to be there and be a fluffy good friend like magazine articles tell me to. But I don't wanna upset anybody by prying into shit, I don't wanna upset myself either cause I'm a hypersensitive jerk. I guess saying I'm upset on my blog isn't any better then the cryptic and evil stuff you post on your blogs. But I just gotta let you know that I care about my friends even if they don't give a shit about me, I like to see you all well, I like to see you happy. I care even though I'm a douchebag who doesn't show it very well.
Look here I hate always being a downer and smearing shitty stuff on my blog all the time but I wanna know what the fuck is making everyone nuts these days, what is going on!? I get pretty worried when I hear that bad stuff is happining to the people closest to me from a secondary or tertiary source, such as a supid blog post. I would try to ask and to be there and be a fluffy good friend like magazine articles tell me to. But I don't wanna upset anybody by prying into shit, I don't wanna upset myself either cause I'm a hypersensitive jerk. I guess saying I'm upset on my blog isn't any better then the cryptic and evil stuff you post on your blogs. But I just gotta let you know that I care about my friends even if they don't give a shit about me, I like to see you all well, I like to see you happy. I care even though I'm a douchebag who doesn't show it very well.
Monday, August 02, 2004
An Anecdote Describing the Shining Intelligence and Acute Perceptiveness of Naya:
Today I went to the house of my dear friend Christa. She offered me a sub for lunch. "Oink moo, I love me some turkey sub," I thought to myself. And it just so happend there were three subs in the fridge. "Hooray" I thought to myself, "so much lovely, lovely food!"
I grabbed a sub and unrapped it greedily, "oh jesus," I whimpered after a split second observation--it was ham. I wrapped the sub back up and picked up the second sub, I unrapped the second sub and it too was ham and olives and parmesan cheese. I cursed under my breath, "GODDAMNIT!" and then proceeded wrapping number two back up, putting it in the fridge and pulling sub number three. I unwrapped this sub hoping the third time's the charm and behold, this sub was also ham. I was distraught. There is nothing I would rather eat at this moment than a good old fashoned turkey sub with tomato, lettuce, and mayo.
I cried out in famished agony, "THE SUBS THEY ARE ALL HAM!". And I was replied by Christa's cantankerous father, "No they're turkey,".
I was confused, "What is it, smoked turkey?"
"Nope it's good ol' plain turkey." Linda honked with enthusiastic confirmation.
I had at that moment entered the Twilight Zone-- I had the biggest lapse in judgement I have ever had. For you see, I had opened all three subs, and they were all ham, I hadn't examined them very close but the meat I had a glimpse of was that familiar pink color marbled with fat. How could have I had been convinced that the subs were turkey. How could my mind be so dulled by the monotony that is my life, that I would have to turn around again, open the fridge and rexamine the subs one by one? ...Unwrapping and wrapping, opening and closing the refrigerator door...
I suppose I thought it was smoked turkey. I had to check to see if it was, because smoked turkey is better than no turkey at all, though I hate smoked turkey.
Sub one was still ham, and the funny thing was I knew that it was ham all along.
And the sillyness progresses; because I still felt the need to open the other two though they looked the same as the first. They were still ham and they still had gross things like black olives and parmesan. My head is a big black hole.
Today I went to the house of my dear friend Christa. She offered me a sub for lunch. "Oink moo, I love me some turkey sub," I thought to myself. And it just so happend there were three subs in the fridge. "Hooray" I thought to myself, "so much lovely, lovely food!"
I grabbed a sub and unrapped it greedily, "oh jesus," I whimpered after a split second observation--it was ham. I wrapped the sub back up and picked up the second sub, I unrapped the second sub and it too was ham and olives and parmesan cheese. I cursed under my breath, "GODDAMNIT!" and then proceeded wrapping number two back up, putting it in the fridge and pulling sub number three. I unwrapped this sub hoping the third time's the charm and behold, this sub was also ham. I was distraught. There is nothing I would rather eat at this moment than a good old fashoned turkey sub with tomato, lettuce, and mayo.
I cried out in famished agony, "THE SUBS THEY ARE ALL HAM!". And I was replied by Christa's cantankerous father, "No they're turkey,".
I was confused, "What is it, smoked turkey?"
"Nope it's good ol' plain turkey." Linda honked with enthusiastic confirmation.
I had at that moment entered the Twilight Zone-- I had the biggest lapse in judgement I have ever had. For you see, I had opened all three subs, and they were all ham, I hadn't examined them very close but the meat I had a glimpse of was that familiar pink color marbled with fat. How could have I had been convinced that the subs were turkey. How could my mind be so dulled by the monotony that is my life, that I would have to turn around again, open the fridge and rexamine the subs one by one? ...Unwrapping and wrapping, opening and closing the refrigerator door...
I suppose I thought it was smoked turkey. I had to check to see if it was, because smoked turkey is better than no turkey at all, though I hate smoked turkey.
Sub one was still ham, and the funny thing was I knew that it was ham all along.
And the sillyness progresses; because I still felt the need to open the other two though they looked the same as the first. They were still ham and they still had gross things like black olives and parmesan. My head is a big black hole.
Monday, July 12, 2004
I've gotta say all this drug stuff is wrong. I quit that stuff because it upsets people I care about who have genuine concern for me and my happiness, it did not make me happy, I could not do enough to label me a stoner or elevate my status as a no-status social outcast. I couldn't be famed for drug use, was not a supplier or seller of it, so why keep up with it all? I know that if I kept on going I would become so miserable I probably would have had some sort of mental breakdown or I would be miserable because I made the people I love miserable by lying to them, saying I wouldn't do it anymore when I would. It wasn't worth the short time of feeling good, when I got so depressed after..I have the munchies constantly anyway. Drug use as I see it is a product of the constant want of a label or some kind of social-staus. Drug use is buying a label in a plastic baggie full of weed or in a pill bottle. People know you use drugs, you are a stoner, or seen as somthing as a god when you can take as much as you can. Drugs will get you somewhere when all other methods of achieving a lable have failed. I thought that I might seem cooler if people knew I did stuff, well the certainly were surprised. I admit I wanted to be somthing I wasn't or couldn't be. That isn't the only reason I tried stuff don't get me wrong, I wanted to experiment, learn me somthin from the experience. I learned a lot. I don't want to be one of those people who say they are gonna quit one day but smoke a day or two later. I don't want to say I'm gonna quit for a month just for a drug test. I'm not saying I know any dependants but I think I could in the near future. I don't want to see my friends like that, bad enough my family is. As I see it drug use is a sign of having a shitty family or living in a shitty society, I'm not saying that people who drug in general are shitheads. I just want people to stop pretending that nobody cares about them, open your fucking eyes... This rant isn't nearly as deep as I want it to be, it sounds like a handout you'd be given in elementary school drug education class...or a lecture from your daddy. But I gotta say pot, alcohol whatever is a soma (just wait until you read Brave New World) making drooling idiots instead of strong men and women who can face up to their problems without running away. I understand circumstances beyond control.... Don't call me insensitive... well whatever I'm sick of seeing this stupid rant.
I'm tired of myself again hooray.
I want to be sparkling white, I want to be the green eyed goddess. I want to be the polished and sanded bits of glass that wash up on the beach at sunset, I want to be the angel in that painting, I want to be that sketch of a solitary rose I want to be the pretty lady with the pretty hair, I want to be the aluminum siren, I want to be the mother of silly bean bag animals, I want to be a stupid 16 year old girl, a voice from across the horizon, a swedish sex kitten..
I want to be sparkling white, I want to be the green eyed goddess. I want to be the polished and sanded bits of glass that wash up on the beach at sunset, I want to be the angel in that painting, I want to be that sketch of a solitary rose I want to be the pretty lady with the pretty hair, I want to be the aluminum siren, I want to be the mother of silly bean bag animals, I want to be a stupid 16 year old girl, a voice from across the horizon, a swedish sex kitten..
I want to throw away these words/phrases from my vocabulary:
-nothing
-forever
-always
-the phrase: "greatest and/or most awesome thing in the world"
-huh?
-stupid
-douche bag
-trying
-well...
-I don't know
-I can't say
-sorry
-I wont do it again
-I'm just kidding
-I wasn't lying
-are you alright?
-I just don't know what to say
-horrible
-I don't understand
-what?
-nothing
-forever
-always
-the phrase: "greatest and/or most awesome thing in the world"
-huh?
-stupid
-douche bag
-trying
-well...
-I don't know
-I can't say
-sorry
-I wont do it again
-I'm just kidding
-I wasn't lying
-are you alright?
-I just don't know what to say
-horrible
-I don't understand
-what?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Hullo to everyone, I'm not ded.
Guess what? Emergency Room trip #4 yesterday.
Cause my poor Brians jaw is swollen up big, like yo mommas ass, and it hurts like a bitch. Brian is a good man, he doesn't complain about shit.
This time we got the goods, kind of I guess, that pill with the fancy name Vicodin. Hah...you know..that one.
There was this big fat, trailer-white trash woman in the bed next to Brain at the hospital, she went *poooot* "oops I just farted heh heh". Her son went "I did too, heh heh." Her son kept talking somthing about how his girlfriend was pregnant or somthing and the baby wasn't forming right so they needed somthing to (and I quote) "stick somthing in her kootchie and suck it out."
I gagged. Brian wonders if he heard correctly.
But the problem wasn't sucking somthing out of a girls kootch. It was the big fat momma. She had an oozing wound that "poured water". She says it just "runs down my legs and into my socks, it gets my pants so wet I can wring them out."
I gag, gag, gag, again. Brian gags too. We're glad we have a curtain separating us from them.
In the bed left of us was this little 4 year old kid who fell 10-15 feet out of a window. He was pushing on a screen on his window and he fell out, he smacked his head on the ledge of a bay window and hit the ground.
I'm guessing that kid was fine cause he was laughing and jumping on the bed and stuff. Its so cute when little kids cuss!
kid:"ha haa shit"
momma: what did you say?
kid: nothin heh heh
I offered to play doctor with Brian. He didn't think that was appropriate hospital conduct. heh heh
Life is a big bowl of cherries, I'm happy, seems everyone else is too. At least it seems like no one has a reason to be unhappy, but realistically I suppose that is never the case. I kinda feel like I'm being left out of all your fancy fun. But I know that its my fault for not getting out more. I know I can pick up the phone and call you but hey.. you have a phone too, communicatinon works two ways, so does friendship.
--Helpful Hint: CALL ME SOMETIMES.
sometime soon. Don't forget I love you all, okay?
Guess what? Emergency Room trip #4 yesterday.
Cause my poor Brians jaw is swollen up big, like yo mommas ass, and it hurts like a bitch. Brian is a good man, he doesn't complain about shit.
This time we got the goods, kind of I guess, that pill with the fancy name Vicodin. Hah...you know..that one.
There was this big fat, trailer-white trash woman in the bed next to Brain at the hospital, she went *poooot* "oops I just farted heh heh". Her son went "I did too, heh heh." Her son kept talking somthing about how his girlfriend was pregnant or somthing and the baby wasn't forming right so they needed somthing to (and I quote) "stick somthing in her kootchie and suck it out."
I gagged. Brian wonders if he heard correctly.
But the problem wasn't sucking somthing out of a girls kootch. It was the big fat momma. She had an oozing wound that "poured water". She says it just "runs down my legs and into my socks, it gets my pants so wet I can wring them out."
I gag, gag, gag, again. Brian gags too. We're glad we have a curtain separating us from them.
In the bed left of us was this little 4 year old kid who fell 10-15 feet out of a window. He was pushing on a screen on his window and he fell out, he smacked his head on the ledge of a bay window and hit the ground.
I'm guessing that kid was fine cause he was laughing and jumping on the bed and stuff. Its so cute when little kids cuss!
kid:"ha haa shit"
momma: what did you say?
kid: nothin heh heh
I offered to play doctor with Brian. He didn't think that was appropriate hospital conduct. heh heh
Life is a big bowl of cherries, I'm happy, seems everyone else is too. At least it seems like no one has a reason to be unhappy, but realistically I suppose that is never the case. I kinda feel like I'm being left out of all your fancy fun. But I know that its my fault for not getting out more. I know I can pick up the phone and call you but hey.. you have a phone too, communicatinon works two ways, so does friendship.
--Helpful Hint: CALL ME SOMETIMES.
sometime soon. Don't forget I love you all, okay?