I didn't rant about the beach. I'm so lazy.
The beach was lovely. The most lovely fact was that it was sunny and warm there and everyone back home was enjoying cold, grey weather. Buring myself in the sand was fun. I also enjoyed the fact that there was absolutely nothing on my mind. Nothing to think about, not school, not the stupid things people do, not even on guys. I just lay on the beach and let my mind atrophy.
I also enjoyed going out to eat. I love buffets.
The seafood buffet was funny cause the people who worked there had to be uber friendly.
There are about a hundred seafood buffets in myrtle beach and the people had to be nice or they would go out of business. I bet one of those waiters would poke themselves in the eye with a straw if you told them to.
I've never seen so many fake blondes in my life, save for the time I went into Abercrombe and Fitch. Anyway, every girl there looked the same. They looked like bacon with blonde highlights. Every guy looked the same too, they all wore wifebeaters, and wore their hats backward.
I met some cool people at the beach though. They liked ride elevators and skimboard and cause anarchy at the hotels. We hung out in the ballroom at the top of the hilton.
We found this guy wearing A teenage mutant ninga turtels t-shirt. He like to play mario games.
This lil 11 year old who liked to smoke, pissed off a balcony at the Hilton. He pissed on himself a little too.

....It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me, to go through all the things that I wanna be.
I don't believe in everything that I see, you know I'm blind so why do you disagree?
These are crazy days but they make me shine. Time keeps rollin' by...-Oasis.

------It's Springtime Again-----
I feel like reflecting on last spring and comparing with this year...

--I just got done playing 3 hours of FFII, boring as hell but I still think I could have played it 3 more hours. Gotta feed my addiction. I'm trying to finish what I started last year around this time.
--I like Grigore Elko, he is a ever flowing spring of entertainment. Except when he talks about tests or studying. Blah. I don't have a crush on him anymore. I don't know why, oh well I'm still fond of him.
--But I do still have a crush on my silly internet friend, Joey. I wonder what the hell happened to him. He's probably married and had three children since the last time I've seen him. I'm probably forgotten, oh well. Man, I loved that guy...
--I still listen to coldplay, I was entranced with the first CD last year and now their new one this year.
Its really...super.
--Last year I was "going out" with someone.. I still feel really bad what I did, and didn't do to him. God that guy was such a nice guy, and I neglected him. I guess I wasn't emotionally mature... or somthing. I wish I could of explained it, but I couldn't find the words. I'm still not very mature, but I'm trying now, trying to be mature. Anyway, I still feel guilty, because I didn't tell him how I felt-- that idea keeps me feeling alienated from this person.
I just want him to know how sorry I am, and how it still bugs me. Then again, If it didn't work out it didn't work out, forgiven and forgotten and all that nonsense...
--I don't gaze at the sunsets as much as I used to, because they still remind me of my friend. It feels lonely to watch it alone, but what can I do?
I used to watch them alone and thats just what I'll do now.

myarph... I walked down to the playground, and went swing swing on the swing, and after about 15 seconds, I'd get nauseous. I used to be able to go hours swinging.
I just can't handle that excessive physical exertion.

-----The Bible of Corruption---
Lesson 1.
The Book of Shallow verse:1-2

I judge my self worth by what my boyfriend thinks of me.
I must be a better person because I have a boyfriend.

Everyone that surrounds me reflects what I think of myself.
If they don't reflect well on me then they must be losers.

Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.

God, dances are so stupid. All the drama in the world happens there, and It shouldn't because its a happy-dance-dance nice place except for the fucktards that screw everything up. I think perhaps it is the only place some of the fucktards ever get together. How bout, if you have beef with someone you settle it in school, or at lunch, somewhere when a catfight- or rumble would be quite appreciated.
-------okay so this topic has been covered a million times, and nobody reads my blog anyway so I guess telling you this was fruitless-------

My blog is sad. No, he really is!
my blog needs a hug.
*hug*

Yesterday, I went to my lovely little interview for the governor's school. It was the most stressful and nerve wracking event that I can remember ever having.
I can't explain how well the interview went because I felt so nervous and sick. I can't explain how well the drawing assignment went either, I think my drawing lacked perspective and dimension, not to mention creativity. But I can't say that I'm a very good judge of that. My emotions on the subject are quite mixed, I feel as if my artwork didn't measure up to everyone elses, but I felt like it was a plus that mine seemed different, and came from a different perspective. I didn't really have the time to look at everyones work so I really don't know. I just feel uncertain about the whole thing, like being cast away at sea with no direction. So I'm quite eager to forget the whole thing, the interview and gonvernors school like it never happened. I'll probably look into other things I can do this summer, just in case I don't make it.

----memoir of a long time game player---
Now that I think about it..If memory serves me right--though it doesn't often.
My SNES has been a good childhood companion as well. Especially before Christa was my friend.
I didn't have any good friends when I was a little kid. For resons beyond my control and personal preference I was alienated form the rest of the people my age.
I really can't remember how much I played games, maybe I played very little, and maybe I didn't play much at all. But I do remember playing to keep my mind occupied from things that made me miserable.
Now that I think of It I have spent an ungodly amount of time playing. While other kids would go to soccer, volleyball and basketball practice, I sat and played Mario.
Mario Paint, Mario Kart, Super Mario Land, Dr. Mario, Super Mario RPG and Yoshi's Island Super Mario All Stars with: Super Mario, Super Mario: The lost Levels and Super Mario 2 and 3. were all games I spent substantial time playing--- I mean days and days for each game.
I also conqured Donkey Kong Country, DK2 and Batman Returns. I've also attempted the mindnumblingly retarded Tom and Jerry and my sisters game Mario Teaches Numbers. I've mastered Tetris and Tetris 2, Yoshi's Cookie and Uniracers. I Kicked Giygas ass in Earthbound, I trashed Smithy in Super Mario RPG, and "Woke The Sleeper" in Zelda ( with the help of Xa's Gameboy Super adapter) and after 45 hours of gameplay I'm almost ready to conclude FFII.
... Thats alotta freakin game play!! Not to mention the weekends I've laid to waste with rented games: Mario's Time Machine, Star Fox, DK3, Clay Fighters, Clay Fighters 2, Earthworm Jim, Earthworm Jim 2, Ren and Stimpy, Aladdin, Bubsy Bobcat 2, Tiny Toon Adventures, The Lion King, and 7up cool spot.
Jesus! Now that I've seen how many games I've listed, I see that I've wasted my entire misguided childhood playing games!
------------ And Thats Just My SNES experience!---
I could ramble on and on about my Playstation. Especially the time I spent on the Tomb Raider ( I, II, III and IIII), and Crash Bandicoot series (I, II, III). Woo! and LunarSSS, and like 50 hours on Alundra, and those precious moments with Namco Museum with classic arcade games like: Galaga, Pac-Man, Toypop, Pole Position, Rally-X, New Rally X and Bosconian.I've also spent a substantial time on Jet Moto, and Oddworld and the frustrations of FFVII. I'm Currently playing FFIX
---------------------------------------------
I've even played The SNES rom on the computer, I've laid wast to perfectly good summer days by playing Salor Moon R, Zelda and The impossibly adorable Kirby's Dream World.
-------------------------------------------
I've played Old School NES, Batman, Snake Rattle and Roll, and the holy trinity: Super Mario Bros, Tetris and Super Mario Bros. 3.
----God I've spent damn near 3/4 of my life up to this point playing games!!!!!!!
It's either an addiction, a hobby, or the essential lifeblood that flows through my veins.
Or I'm just a nut, whatever....

I wish I had a good guy, someone that I mean the world to--someone who would mean the world to me.
Yesterday, I became so fluffy and sentimental--gazing at the faded, medium-rare sunset. The wind smelled like spring and the night was mild and calm. I heard the voices of the spring peepers down in the swamp.
The experience triggered faint emotions, reflections of silly mawkish sentiments of a year ago.. still... It made me sad.
I miss my silly internet friend...

...I.. I woke up this morning...I..squinted out..out... the window and to my dismay..
everything white, everything white...
Covered in spite and evil in powdered form..
O! THE RELENTLESS ASSAULTS UPON THE HOPEFULNESS AND VITALITY OF MY SOUL
BY THAT VILE, SMOTHERING, MALEVOLENT, THING THAT THEY CALL SNOW!

I'm now a compulsive blog reader....
I check blogs then check them again because I dun remember that I did it.
Its pretty sad because no one updates often anymore...
YAWN

I'm a Loser
someday though I'd like to say, I'm not a Loser, I tried! I'm a Failure!!

I'm glad I don't have any insignificant other to snivel about all damn day.
Yeah, my life is so empty...(you'll see that without a neglectful boyfriend I have plenty to whine about)
I'm not lonely though, I have my homeworks to keep me company.
I'm gonna be forming an even closer relationship with my school books as soon as my momma finds I'm failing sociology.
I think I'm probably gonna be bitchy the next couple of weeks, have a lot of guilt and a lot of stress and shame.
I know I'll be patronized and degraded by the resident hobo, and bob.
....and when they ask me, "what the hell is wrong?-- why do my grades suck ass?.
God, I don't know what to say. I hate excuses, I don't believe in them, nothing is good enough to say.
Was I tired?-yes-verymuch so.
Burdened with other work--yes. I was preoccupied witha few insubstantial things that any well adjusted 11th grade student should be able to handle.
Lazy? I still can't determine if it was lazy. I know I procrastinated but I did work on the assignments I turned in.. yet..
yeah I'm lazy, but I firmly believe that I cannot write.
I can't write your stupid five pages of forgettable bull-shit.
I cannot, for the life of me, compose a paragraph of 5-7 sentences that convey complete thoughts, or focus on a single topic.
The Stupid things: conformity of language, stringent verbal constipation...... When It comes down to it, I really can't write things I don't care about.
I don't care about anything so how can I write?

I have no job, no extracirricular activities, not involved with any substantial social organization,don't do housework, have very few friends, and I'm not brilliant and my parents aren't rich.
Missing everything that would--for those lovely average people-- make my life "worth living" everything that would make me succesful.

A loser and outcast for life.

I find it very sad that I don't know how to make my life better...

I need to turn myself around. I keep on feeling like I owe it to myself to do well. But I just can't keep myself going.
I feel like I need to make a change in the world. Where the hell am I gonna start?
I can't make a change at home, what makes me thing I can do anything anywhere else.
I need to start my junior project soon... err NOW.. so uh, someone remind me to do that so I don't fail this year.
There are so many problems, so many stupid things clogging my mind, all terrible burdens that I can't say, I can't burden you with.
so many things I want to do, but I'm paralyzed with fear.
---The bottom line here is that I'm lazy, and distracted.

My worst fear in life is ending up living in this town the rest of my life, as a cashier at costa's and married to some fucking shit hobo...
So why the fuck am I not doing anything? Why?
--------------count the times I say "Its time for change"
Just how long will it take me to do it?

Salute Your Shorts! You enjoy camping out with yer
buddies and playing tricks on your camp
counselors. Watch out for Zeek the Plumber


What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! Be the first kid on your block to download an anti-war protest song!
Bloody Anarchists, Those Damn Anarchists!
How I love them so!

Long ago coronations (crowning) of rulers was a huge, like really huge thing. People back in the day believed that their rulers were chosen by god and and "divine right" to the throne. On these exciting days, the rich and cleanly went to the local church or the palace to witness God's hand placing the responsibility of running the country on the new king or queen. Nobody had any beef with it. It was accepted that God's plan would work through the new ruler of the land.
---------But what about Burger King?
Was this mighty sovereign of hamburgdom ever coronated? Wouldn't it be silly if Burger King just waltzed around claming to be God's right hand patty flippin man but was not really a king at all? But what if Burger King was in fact the Primary Crowned Head of Burger?
If Burger King is in fact king, why is this Lord-and-Father-of-Fattening-Fast-foods serving us insted of us serving him?
--- Was that Jesus himself who asked "do you want fries with that?"

Today I went to the Galleria mall in Buffalo. Its a very big mall, and It has fancy lower upperclass stores. I love hot topic, but I'm kind of disenchanted with it all because I believe that Its just tapped into the mainstream too much. Theres just so much fad crap there... whatever-- not that important. Today, I have seen the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life. In fact, just about everyone there was beautiful, save for me. I was the only person in the whole mall wearing a frumpy grey sweatshirt with no print. But for once in my life I didn't feel like an ant. Everyone wore black leather coats, and had fake blonde highlight hair--especially in Abercrombie and Fitch--never seen so many in one place in my life!!!! Me and xa were wandering around like morons. I stare in awe at everything, like I've never seen a sixty-dollar tank top in my life. I took the time to look down from the second floor upon the ants that walk beneath me. Are they really people? there are so many of them, they all look the same, dress the same, and all look like they know where they are going. I probably didn't look like I knew where I was going because I was enraptured by the shinyness, tha newness of all the fancy merchandise-- I looked everywhere at everything, in every direction at every person. God, Ive been cooped up in this little hick town for so long.. But being at the mall made me feel good to be different for once. It sounds so stupid, but I seemed to be the only one at the mall who would laugh, question the price of goods poor childeren sow up in sweatshops in third world countries, point and stare. All the little ants, march to abercrombie, all the little ants march to hot topic, all the little ants march to aeropastle.......Naya the giant grey cloud rambles to the far end, and to the near end and to the rear end of the mall.
you cannot hold a candle to my conflagration of blazing insanity!

You're too tired to be bothered with smiling,but
you're too nice to be really mean when people
are annoying you.You look tired,but you at
least try to seem happy.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My friends are everything to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they mean the same to you.
Its an understatement to say that my family life is not too strong. So I rely on you as a supplement or a surrogate of a family.
I know I can talk to you, and you will understand.
It hurts me though to hear you say that you have nothing left. I know how hard it is to deal with thoughts, and feelings and all the crap that scrambles your mind--But I'd like to think that you had me, at least, to depend on. That probably sounds selfish, or egotistal or somthin but I've always thought that It goes both ways. That you would be here for me. But to think that you don't even consider me.. feels kind of like betrayal. I'm not talking about any specific person beacause I've felt this way a couple times, especially with my good friend Chris.
It also hurts to hear-- to see that you are in pain. I'd like to be able to do anything I can for you. It would ease my mind to do somthing, no matter how small. But if you don't want to share, I'll respect that, I guess thats somthing I can do.
Another thing that is quite irksome is when friends (or-so called friends) are backstabbing each other, or just being selfish and inconsiderate.
You are my oasis from all of the shittly people and the things they do. I can't stand it when they do such stupid things: "oh your so stupid you got like a 90% on your english test while I got a 100%, don't you ever study?" Or how about this one " OMG you hang out with XXXXX.. god he is gay, you must be too." or " Jesus, she is one gigantic tub-o-lard and still likes YuGiOh, god, why doesn't she watch real anime"and "what a poser.." -- (perhaps not good examples but you understand.)

-----------I've been taking so much time to write this I kind of uh..forgot what I was trying to say.. well anyway there is only one real important thing I have to say.
I love you all very much. ---Fluffy, yeah, but true.

You are Auron. Wo0t.


Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
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Here's a charming little folk song that I'm sure most of you have learned during your horribly misguided childhood.

First you're sick and then you're worse
And then it's time to call the hearse...

Don't you laugh when a hearse goes by
for you may be the next to die.
They wrap you in a big white sheet
that covers you from head to feet.
They put you in a big black box,
and cover you with dirt and rocks.
And all goes well for about a week,
and then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
the worms play pinochle in your snout.
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
One of the worms that's not so shy,
Crawls in your liver and out one eye.
They call their friends and their friends' friends, too,
They'll make a horrid mess of you!
Your stomach turns a slimy green
and puss squirts out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread,
that's what you eat when you are dead.

...Your eyes fall out, your teeth decay
A rotten end to a lovely day!

Find your Realm of Influence at SailorOrion.com



Such a lovely day... I wanted to strip naked and run through the fields. I would have too, but I got sleepy and crashed on the couch, with visions of nuclear war in my head. Such lovely, lovely, days--these days of American Freedom and Justice, patriots, war hawks, glory, bombings, God..
I hope all the nasty war making people just die-- just kill themselves off. And leave me and people like me who are too stupid to make war- opression, crime, and mass-murder, and too intelligent to get involved in war, opression, crime and mass-murder.
I just want peace, weather warm enough to run around half naked, and love. Yeah that'd be nice..

I'm your friend, whats this"something else i have created around me" stuff?
Ah, I'm a figment of your imagination? Well you could just as easily be a figment of mine.
I digress-- I'm being silly...
I understand this whole, haunting, undead childhood memories thing--such a pain.
Its not funny, but it causes me to look at pain, and sadness in such a twisted way, It makes me laugh. Thats how I keep my sanity, I just laugh...
I remember reading somewhere this lady said somthing along the lines of: "Its hard to develop a personality when you have to keep remembering to forget." You have to stray away from your own imagination because of what nasty little things haunt it. Its hard to stay true to yourself when you have to deny everything else around you and everything that reminds you of somthing awful...----I don't know exactly how that all went but maybe you can formulate some vague Idea of what I'm talking about. The first quote is exact though, I think its most important. Anyway, this lady is a successful cartoonist, in spite of the horrible things that plagued her mind.
What I'm trying to say here I guess is to look for somthing better. I'm trying to look forward to the future, because it must be better than whats behind me, at least its somthing to hope for.
You can also be constructive with the shit that was thrown your way. I use my experiences to try and help people no matter how boring and confusing I think my advice may be. I also put all of my good thoughts on paper so I have somthing to look at to remember good things.
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I just think I sound sooooo fluffy.. myarrr.
If anyone has troubles you can talk to me. Just like I'd like to talk to you. Yeah, we can trade troubles like baseball cards.

YAY! This was the best weekend ever (if the best means extremely boring)! What is it that is missing from my empty little life?
Oh well, no time to think about that, its time to draw draw draw!

Today I went to thrift shops and an antique shop and I got two scarves.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the night drawing, and drawing and drawing.....
I have no life --not that I'm complaining.

Vampire Goth -- Perhaps the closest to the
"lolo goth," you are morbid and
dreary. You like to make people feel
uncomfortable around you, and you're happiest
when going to a highly public place with enough
friends who share your interests to make
massive crowds shifty. You have an unusual
liking to blood.


Which Gothic Stereotype Are You?
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Ah.. Who would have ever guessed? I'd rather be a Eurotrash Cyber Goth, but I dunno the first thing about computers.
I wear my bat wings on the inside....

Speaking of slacking on my bloggin, I've been slacking on my webpage.
Go visit: Panda Priestess to have a very Naya experience!
Go to the friends page and see all of the nasty things I've posted about your asses!
I'll even give you a lazy little bitch link to the friends page: Friends!

You never realize just how many people read your blog until you don't update anymore. A whole two people asked about it. Thats a whole heck of a lot more than I thought there were! Cheers to all the faithful readers!

Yesterday morning Bob The Almighty issued this command to Bon The Freaking Stupid: "....WASH YOUR FACE IN THE SHOWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON..".Oh but he used such a commanding voice, such imperial tone! Deathly serious, Like someone had shoved a red-hot corncob up his regal rear end. It was as if the lowly Bon had broken the very rule-- the very law that holds the universe together. Lord Bob save us! What terrible, awful transgression Bon had comitted by washing her face when she should very well have known that Lord Bob-The Alpha and The Omega- hadn't had his bathroom time. I could not help laughing at Lord Bob's decree, and being the disgraceful little shit I am--I laughed at Bob. Yes, me and Bon had ourselves a hearty laugh and reflected--mocked-- his sentaments with all of the exact same sincerity he threw at us!
Oh, but I do feel dreadful sorry. Bob is right, always always right. So I had to help Bon upstairs because she is too dumb to remember how to climb them. Right foot, and then left foot, up the stairs--Like a normal person. After that Bon decided to have breakfast like normal people. But we had to ask God.. err Bob how bowls are used, and what bowls are, and how to utilize a spoon like normal people. We just pointed and laughed at the King and his beady weasle eyes glowed with hatred. His mouth became as small as a mouse turd then suddenly bellowed "YEAH YOUR NOT GONNA THINK ITS FUNNY IN A SECOND" weilding a dog leash--ready to snap the metal end right in our faces. He would have to, because we just kept laughing, but momma suggested he take the hell beast out for a walk. As soon as Bob was out the door me and bon threatened to beat each other with canes because we are both so stupid. I'm glad that boy is my brother, with his well-meaning threats of physical violence, he really straightens out Bon The Freaking Stupid and I--Naya The Slowest Fucking Retard. Why I'm so stupid that I don't know what I'm writing. I'm surprised I can write at all? What is writing, who am I? Oh well back to my happy life as a normal stupid person!

Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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"Real" Care Bear: See what Care Bear you are.

Mononoke Hime
haritsumeta yumi no furueru tsuru yo
tsuki no hikari ni zawameku omae no kokoro
togisumasareta yaiba no utsukushii
sono kissaki ni yoku nita sonata no yokogao
kanashimi to ikari ni hisomu
makoto no kokoro wo shiru wa mori no sei
mononoke-tachi dake mononoke-tachi dake
Princess Mononoke
The beauty of a sharpened blade
Thy profile looks very much like that sword point.
Lurking in the sadness and anger
The only ones who know your true heart are the forest spirits
Only the spirits, only the spirits...

---- Naya Has the Crazies!! ------------------------------------------------------
myarph.. I can't believe I'm blogging this.--eh maybe I can. You see I need to write this here, I want certain people to know...
After a year and some months or consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I need professional help.
Only recently I have gained the intelligence to realize--to compose why I believe I need it.
First of all: I should have gone to a counsilor back when I was a kid, when I was first asked if I needed help. Since then I've had a bunch of crap on piled on my mind like dog turds in the back yard. But then again- I was just a kid, and after the first terrifying experience--spainish inquisition-- I never wanted to go back--I needed to protect myself which leads me to my--
second point: I am throughly convinced I've developed a series of phobias that effect my way of life. Not only that, I believe I have some really bad anxiety disorder. The other day I was listening to the radio and some lady on a commercial says, " do you have frequent fears of failing, of dying, of losing control.Do you cry often or easily, are you afraid that you can never live the life you want, that you are being sucked into a black vortex of never ending doom? (I embellish, I cant remember quite what was asked.) Are you constantly worried about friends or family? etc. I says to the radio " yes, yes, yes, yes,no,yes,yes,only on mondays,yes"."Ha" I think, "all those yesses, thats kind of funny, lol"
--"If you answer "Yes" to four or more of these questions, you may have anxiety disorder. "Oh, shit" I thinks,"I answered, like, double that."
Oh, then I was reading in my health book symptoms of anxitey disorders and such and I'm all like:"Shit again"-- Confirming what I had previously theorized.
Third Point:I figured for a long time that I had somthing wrong with me, that I was all annoyed and uptight for some reason. I believe that talking about all of it will help relieve the crap in my mind--a pooper scooper for my soul!
But seriously folks, I think that its my responsibily to get myself together. Like some sort of milestone of growing up-- like getting ones license, like getting confirmed by the church, like taking on responsibility for ones transgressions, getting a job-- but I havn't done any of these things-- I'm afraid of doing it. I figure that I have to start here--getting help. If I actually do get help--If I'm brave enough-- I'll be prouder of myself than I ever have been in my life.
........You see, I can't think of anything more terrifying than going to get counciling, just thinking about it makes me shiver, choke back tears, run around like a chicken with its head cut off. If I conquer this fear it would be an extreme triumph. I know its not gonna be easy, probably not fun, but I feel I need to do it. Cause underneath being deathly terrified, and apprehensive I'm very excited about the benifits, and the possiblities.
---- You must be thinking I'm silly or somthing. This has nothing to do with the blogger or school. I wouldn't go through the school to get help because they are prying evil bastards.
---Please post your thoughts on this. But whatever you do don't speak a word of this out loud. Its not that I care if everyone knows. I care if bob and the old man knew. If you tell them I will be very hurt and excommunicate you for the rest of my life--I'm not joking.

I just wanted to add SOMTHING to this whole suicide blog club thing.
If I had been called to the guidence office I would have torn some shit up. Though, I know that they are probably well meaning.
I know that our blogs are on the internet and anyone can read them, thats a given-- thats the point. I think that the thing that is getting us most angry is not that THEY are reading our blogs--but because were having our intelligence--and our emotional intelligence insulted. Yeah, we kind of feel like our privacy is invaded (understatement) but thats the way it is. As a group, I don't think there is anyone who would want to commit suicide less. We know the effect that it has on on us. Telling us we perhaps don't know what we are talking about it pretty damn hurtful. I wish I could elaborate but I have to get ready for another glorious day of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a midnight procrastination blog:
My friends, they are very--intelligent, creative, and expressive. (stop laughing)
Most of them don't realize it, anyway; and if they do, they don't utilize their gifts to their capacity.
I'm surrounded with potential poets, artists, and people who are just really good at being a friend. But--I dunno what I'm saying exactly--they kind of squander their talent.
Take me, for example. I believe that I could be a wonderful friend, someone who listens to friends and gives advice, someone to be there for you when things suck.
It really gives me great joy to help people out, but I don't do it. I've never really been there for someone who needs me. I just sit in my dark little corner of the universe and rant about how the world owes me, though I know it owes me nothing. I squander my joy, on sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hating everything in the world.
--Another example of squander would be this really great poet I know. This poet wastes time on writing poems about really assholes who have no heart or intelligence and aren't worth the time it takes to write a poem. Now, I know that being a poet and all its a given that you write how you feel, but--I dunno what I'm saying again-- maybe one should take the time to really realize that the assholes aren't worth it, and that there are more worthwhile things in the world.
--Yet another example of someone who could bless the world with innumerable gifts is that person who has interest in politics, changing the world that thoughtless people abuse. This person has the capability and intelligence to really make a difference but wastes their time in front of some video screen, lamenting for a cheating whorebeast ex.
-----yeah, well I know I'm just some sort of fluffy idealist, though I didn't write this to mould you all into my ideals--I know, who am I to say.... I just wanted to get people thinking about their true potential. What you can do to make your own lives, and the lives of others suck less. I know that if I were a better friend-- if my friends could express themselves in healthy ways--stop burnin ourselves up in our own self-doubt... It would just be a better world for me. I think that my friends are THE most important people/things/alien lifeforms in my life--the only people I can really trust--depend on.
Well I dunno what else to say--I better stop digging myself out of a hole. My New Years Resolution was to better myself, To make my life worth living, to make everything not suck for others. I really feel like I best be making some changes fast, cause sometimes I feel like my mind is all crumbling away.

dance last night was okay..
I'm gonna feel dirty for a long time, I danced with Darren--not saying he is dirty-- I'm saying that the way I danced was dirty, lol
-- I enjoyed it thoroughly!
Today was pretty boring, I should have done one of my many reports-- I'm such a loser. Instead I vegetated at Jimmeh's house and then went to the chocolate lovers fantasy festival. There wasn't any damn fantasy!
There werent any buff male strippers pouring chocolate sauce over their hot bodies, and there wasn't any chocolate pudding wrestling. I mean, what a damn rip off. I think Christa found a new passion in barbershop music, lol.

I fucking hate today.
I hated yesterday and I'll hate tomorrow too.
There's just been too much time, so much opporotunity for me to just sit think about bullshit.
I'm finding it progressively harder to believe in my friends or my family, that all leads to me not believing in myself.
Lonely, bloody lonely,
....bloody bullshit.

lately...we all suffer, boring blog syndrome. This is the most boring blog ever don't read it:
" Today I did some really boring mediocre things. My life is boring and that sucks. Last night I had a dream I was a tree. I did somthing really cool last night but I'm not gonna bother explaining it because I'm tired from dancing at the sucky dramatic dance. I think that you people are mean and suck and should stop being mean. I'm sick of being surrounded by stupid people. I think people need to stop using clorox cause its all patriarchal and stuff, down with the man! The movie the other night was cool, that guy was so hot."
There, take that! I'm really gonna blog now that I've gotten warmed up---wait a second I just forgot what I was gonna blog. Godamnit!

.. yeah I've had a dream like that before--Those kinds are brilliant. Whenever I dream about my prince charming (too bad he doesn't exist!) Its quite an experience. The emotions that those dreams inspire, transcend everything I know to be love, and everything I know to be lust. Its not hearthrobbing lovesickness or orgasmic whatnots...(ROFL!). ummm...It trancends any sort of physical or mental perceptions that I had. The sensation itself its like being desperately thirsty, but you couldn't possibly drink another drop. Its like being drunk, intoxicated, with a sense of giddyness and elation. You feel shrouded in light--a halo. It all originated from the heart--in that general vicinity. In my experience my heart felt so heavy, it felt like it would crush my chest. It was exquisite, sensing that for the first time, the love I felt was sincere. ------Yep, It was all warm and fluffy like a blanky fresh from the dryer. It's like when I walk into a chinese food buffet... but you wouldn't understand that.... lol. Now I feel really corny stuff.. bleh.
But I'm pround this rant is devoid of the word feeling that word just makes my flesh crawl.

Yay! dreams are fun. I'm gonna be an irritating li'l copycat and post dream stuff.
ahem.. heres a dream you can analyze for me for fun:
I was on some sort of outing. It was some sort of girlscout, or church (I'm not affiliated with either). We were hiking through a field. It was during a transitional season, and all of the grass was gold colored cause it was dead. I saw the most amazing thing ever-- a tree--lol. But it wasn't ordinary tree, it was giant, I mean huge. It was an oak tree on top of a large grass covered mound. It was bleached completely white by sunlight and age. At the base of the mighty tree were smaller berch trees. They were all dead, lying on the ground arranged in a circle around the tree like a wall. I split from the group. I had it in my mind that it was my destiny to go up to the tree. I separated from the group but nobody cared-they ignored me cause im weird, and because they were preps. I cerimoniously climbed up the hill and stood before the tree and saw everything. It was strange and silent the trees gave off ghostly vibes but everything around was golden and blue.

---Thats all of the dream-- Tell me what it means or I'll stick a fork in your eye!

Oh wow. The anger, oh the anger, oh I am so angry.

My tonsils, my tonsils, I'm gonna hunt down and obliterate the filthy human who has passed on his filthy strep-throat!
Oh the pain! How dare you wake the sleeping giants with your filthy human bacteriousness!
And you, who mocks the grotesque nature of the puss filled, blistered tonsils; I will smite thee as well!
OMG Buster just vomited in the other room. Haa funny!

Today I am ill. I'm at home all alone. Its very quite exept for the infrequent blurbs from the scanner. The scanner is creepy.
My tonsils are swollen to the size of tennis balls. I'm making soup. I figure I can eat anything non-solid, somthing that can come back up as easily as it went down. You would expect a tounge to be red right? Mine is white and covered with bacterious film-- I just thought I'd take the time to share that with you. k thanx bye

wow.. I have a headache. Its probably from reading JTHM for a couple of hours. Either that or I'm coming down with somthing. I feel like my heads been royally fucked with (Fornication Under Consent of the King). Or it could be because I stayed up late last night drawing with my permanent markers. Or because of sitting within three feet of the most annoyingly happy, loudmouth in the whole school. Or maybe my headache is from trying to calculate bowling scores in my head. Perhaps, my head hurts from trying to write that essay on affirmative action. Just thinking about all the things that strain my brain give me a headache.
---yeah I know, its not that interesting.--its a personal problem.
But I can't help marvelling at the wonderous amounts of tedious, insignificant crap that occupies my time.--My short life being filled with nothing but self-inflicted torture and busywork. God, I need to get out, talk to people, see the sunshine! *shrivels up like a forgotten banana in the darkest bowels of the refrigerator*

hmmm I think my brain is going to explode. I havn't blogged anything that I deem substantial in a long time. I think its because there are so many things i want to write but can't quite explain them. It wouldn't be such a problem if I knew where my Book of Hopeless Rants was. I'd really hate it if someone found it that wasn't me or one of my affiliated multiple personalities.
--Ah, well I guess I havn't anything better to do, I guess I'll just catch up on my ranting or raving.
Part I
Oooh last night, I watched W. make his State of The Union address on TV. Holy Jeez, I can't believe that guy is The Prez. Whenever I see that guy on the tellie, I'm in utter disbelief. That overgrown Keebler Elf is the head honcho of the U.S.? People actually voted for this guy? --Anyway, the whole speech things was one of the dumbest I've seen since PYC. After every sentence everyone stood up and clapped. I'm serious--after every sentence. I know I havn't seen any other State of The Union thingies and I'm really not sure if that is the way its always done, but...Holy Jeez. It really should be changed if thats the case. I couldn't concentrate on what BS The W. was trying to pass off as plans for building the glorious future of America. It was hard enough concentrating already, what with the president looking like a beedy-eyed circus monkey. See the funny monkey dance, everybody clap!
Part II
I hate it that everyone I know has a boyfriend or girlfriend. I especially hate it because they are so damn happy about it.
You say I'm jealous? Yeah, well, no shit. You say I'll never have a boyfriend? Yeah.... I'll have to go with another no shit.
I just feel kind left out, like I'm missing out on an experience. Dating in highschool, isn't that what normal people do?
Then you say, "well Naya, your not normal, and its not that important." Aye.. woe is me. My life is completly barren of the bounty of which you humans call "normal". Then you say: "you moron, go out and find a boyfriend!". Then I say, "yeah, I'm just gonna pull one outta my...(insert: hat, ass, hammerspace; here). Everyone already is going out with someone and there is nobody who could possibly have any interest in me.--Ah well, now if it sounds like I'm whining, I am. Its nothing that gets me down though. I can just as easily go back to ignoring it all.
Part III
I was really going to write somthing interesting here. I can't seem to remember what....

This Time
Woke up one other day
The pain won't go away
I am growing
In peculiar ways
Into a light I pass
Another dream, another trance
This time, this time
This time I'm gonna rise into the light
In or out of time

'Cause I know..
There is time.. The Verve
--I like The Verve, If you like depressing whiny musics than The Verve is for you too!--

I've been feeling slumpy, slacking off with my work, my chores, and commenting on my blog. Therefore I have resolved to spiffy things up. I know blogging isn't getting much done, oh well. It still gives me that fruitful productive feeling.

What swear word are you?
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Clorox: A Conspiracy?
subtitle: Clean White Sheep
Call me crazy but, have you noticed the surge in new bleach commercials springing up. Is it just my imagination or are there just more? I have the sneeking suspision that someones trying to brainwash me, but I just can't quite explain it.
When I first saw the "mama's got the magic of clorox bleach" I was a little bothered. I can't quite explain that. Maybe it was just a really stupid jingle ("mama's got the magic of a 'harmful if ingested'--potential 'eye and skin irritant"). Or the fact that Mama is a upper middle class, white, housewife with nothing better to do than obsessively wipe up the counters and smile.
(I'm still having trouble reaching you I figure)
Well I dunno... Its just kind of funny, making everything.. white. White housewife wiping counters and floors, in a white house with a white picket fence. Then the new ad campaign: "White Across America". Holy, Jeez.. Wanna know what I think?
I think that were being brainwashed with Good-All American Whiteness. Perhaps, TV viewers are being lulled into a "Leave It to Beaver" sense of mind. While a war is brewing... Perhaps, already underway... we won't panic as long as we have our comfy, 1950 somthing..security blanket.
I think that Mr. Government paid Mr. Commercialism to "White-out" America. Its truth that the Government paid producers and directors and such to make patriotic films and commercials and what-not.
--wow that all made me sound like some sort of 90's hippy feminist "down with the man" sort of thing. But the real point I'm trying to get to here, really doesn't have much to do with bleach. I just think that commercial brainwashing of the masses is a possiblity (MTV's TRL). I think that you should take the time to analyze a commercial. Who its marketed to...the bullshit they fill it with...
--I think perhaps this has been the most stupid thing I've ever writ.
Oh well, I think this is an interesting quote: "If were gonna be brainwashed, what better substance to do it with than bleach?"

Hey I have a question for anyone who reads my blog or just anyone in general.
The other day I was writing an essay about myself for an art contest type of thing. I had to explain my personality.
Writing what I thought of myself was easy, but I had a hard time writing how other people thought of me. I managed to finish it. But the question remains: "what the hell does everyone really think about me?"
I want you, my dear friends, to say what you REALLY think about me. I mean it. I promise I won't be upset if you call me a self-centered egotistical bitch. I need constructive criticism so I can develop into a better person. I'd rather hear, "your a bit annoying and redundant" than "oh, your...... nice." Elaborate as much as you like!

The dance was fucking awesome!!! I grinded fiercely with this tall, dark and handsome guy and I didn't even catch his name! He was so sweet and we talked for hours about stupid things that are universally unsubstantial. We went to the bathroom and got high and made out. Then we left the dance and went out spraypainting Coudersports finest examples of "victorianesque architecture". You might wanna check it out (That guy knows a little too much about yo mammas anatomy)
After that we got high again, I dyed my hair blue and got a tatoo of a pretty flower and I got my nose pierced. I went back to his place and we did the dirty dirty, got high and played playstation 2. He drove me home (outside of sheetz if I remember correctly) and kind of pushed me out of his shaggin wagon. I fumbled up the street, ( I think I was missing a shoe) and now I'm here.
I can't feel my feet, but all things aside, this was the best night of my life!

Not to copy Jerrica, Shaun or Xa but I'm gonna post my horoscope!!
Really its interesting and I'm sure you all give a damn!! It will reaveal my depest insecurities of my love life without compromising my image by actually going out and saying what I actually feel. I mean, If I really said how I feel people might think I'm crazy and then I'd have to hide indside my inner world and become a mechanical shell of what I once was. Well I better hurry up and post my horoscope. I'd really hate for people to get bored and leave me. PLEASE DON'T GO! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
In your opinion, being normal is highly overrated right now. You embrace bizarre people or events that might confuse or outrage others. Impressing people isn't at the forefront of your mind and your friends and family members are somewhat taken aback by this strange, new behavior. Assure them that it won't last -- but that you intend to enjoy it while it does! Tonight you know genius when you see it at work. Find a way to make yourself useful in an avant-garde situation.

--OMG does that mean I'm going crazy!?!?! no no no.. *huddles in a corner* I'm going back to the OLD Naya.

Oh, I want to be mean, and spiteful and vindictive. I wanna mock shortcomings and weaknesses. I wanna kick mental ass, wanna scar and scathe and make one whimper inside. I want everyone to scream at me all "blasphemous!" "unscrupulus" "concited" "bitch". I couldn't though. If I said nasty things there is no way I would mean it. Though I'd really like to. I would like to....nrrrggg..
What keeps me from doing so is that I need friends, they are hard to come by and I can't afford to screw it all up. I also hate hurting people, because I've been hurt so often. I can't really think of anything hateful to say anyway. You disgusting slack-jawed hipocrite--see its stupid! I WANNA BE MEAN. but I'm a wuss... Hey! I can be mean to myself. Yeah that always works. I'm a dumb, motor-skill-deficient,organizationally-challenged, craterface, wannabe intellectual snob, who is disinclined to activity, mathematics, and shoe tying. The only place a person like me is useful is for is... well I can't think of anything. So much for being mean... *sigh*

Happy New Year! 2003! woo! I hope it doesn't suck! but if the shitty rain and sleety crap is an ominous foreshadowing of things to come then it will most definitly be a bummer dude.
I thought it only turned 2002 a couple months ago. Bloody hell, is my life passing me by? Yeah, I'm prolly to young to think about that crap...

~la laa la laa la laa~ I'm gonna attempt to compose a poem *ahem*

------Needs a Title----
.....that sad and pensive expression that you always see
is molded by my frequent slumps of unessisary anxiety
when I chant that pitiful, opressive mantra:"what will become of me?"
"what will become of me?"
is there another out there that feels as I do?
what if that "another" happened to be you?

You know there are cool people in the world. You ever wonder why they are called as such? You ever call someone cool becos they happen to like certain bands or they dress a certain way and have shiny cars, or loads of jewlry, or nice hair?
Well call me weird but, I don't seem to think that way. What if a persons house and garage and all their posessions were destroyed by a giant death robot and that person just happened to be cool? Would they still be as such?
I don't have a lot of things people would go "ooooooOOOhhhh ahhhhh" over. Do people think im not cool cause of my lack of shiny goodies?
What if you knew a boy or a gal that liked the exact same band or clothing line or *tazoo that you liked, and you fell head over heels in lust! Well! I know that music is a voice for the soul and people that listen to the same music might share the same ideas about it. Yeah its nice to have common interests. But, you know, musicians can be forgotten so easy after a while. (What ever happened to Ricky Martin?) What I mean is you can lose interest. Just like you lose interest in clothes that go out of style, tazoos that run amok, and even videogames that have been played out until they aren't fun anymore.
In my experience its been so exhausting keeping up the misguided collecting of new, popular things just for the sake of keeping up a relationship.
What if you had friends just because of the crap lying around your house and you didn't know it? What if you were constantly buying goodies to keep people around but you didn't know? What if collecting and hoarding was making you depressed and tired and you just aren't aware of it?Do you think that businesses might know that you "need" to buy to keep up your spiffy image? Do you think that people are being influenced to have shiny new this- and shiny new that? I dunno about you but....:: I nod a big yes::
Well I like to look at peoples personality. Its really the only thing that matters. I'm pretty tired of all of the "holier than thou" people walking about with their haute coture (fancy clothes) and having everyone think "oh she's so cool, she shops at abercrombie/hot topic/ evolution/Nothern Tier Childrens Home Thrift Shop of Genesee (lol))--When the person in question actually beats up his brother without the slightest provocation, or tells everyone without such blessings that they are less than dirt. Its all a lie.
There are some things in people that is worth much more that Guess jeans, spiked collars, Ruroni Kenshin posters, and PT Crusers.
For instance, I value: Friendship, Love, Understanding, Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Sense of Humor, Intelligence, Bravery,Passion, Creativity, Spirituality, Hope, Kindness, Tolerance, Charity, Decency-- all traits of a persons personality.
If you were bored enough to actually read this, I hope you don't feel too preached at. I wrote this mostly to entertain myself. Though I hope you get somthing from it even if you had to read it upsidedown or between the lines. I just feel that people forget this kind of stuff and are going about everything all wrong. -----Okay, thats it, I'll let ya go.
*Tazoo- don't mind this word, It was made up by Bon.

Last night I had fun and I made a new friend. I played with Angela's ferret. He tried to eat my shoe. It also was sticking its head inside of a cup. Me and Xa thought that a ferret would be quite handy if you soaped up its head and scrubbed dishes with it. We sat around for a while and were completely immaure. I have another follower in the cult of Naya's feet. ya know its okay to love your feet but its not okay to LOVE your feet. Get what I'm saying. Oy.. I really hope you don't.
When we walked home it was icy and we had fun sliding around on our bellies in the dentist office's parking lot.

--Sapphire--

One perfect cut gem
stolen, but still free..
pretty, pocketed, sapphire
you sparkle just for me

Now, If ever lose you
to another clever theif
I will be angred bitterly
but still love you underneath

Because I'll always admire
your deepest,shining, shades of blue
If you were a real compainion
I'd hope you'd love me too. -Naya

Its pretty bad when one can say they hate weekends, but thats how I'm starting to feel. Everybody is off somewhere, 'cept the eternal queen of losers.
I'm feelin' bloody lonely.. but there isn't anyone around to care. Oh well..

....yeah I figure its pretty unpolite to say in front of your friends (that are boys) that you think so-and-so is hot (the so-and-so not included in your friends). It goes the same for boys. I know that girls do it all the time. "Oooh, Billy-Bob-Bojangles is the fucking hottest piece of man meat I ever laid eyes on, yum yum!!!" Usually guys don't say anything, but I know they get angry about it, boy, I know that well! But when guys say, "Amanda-Crystal-BoPeep is the fucking hottest--whatever--
girls get all defensive on the spot."GRRRROWL I'MA MAKE YOU WISH YOU NEVA LAID EYES ON THAT UGLY ASSED WHORE !$!@#@$#!!11one."
I'm sure you know how that all goes... so ya know.. don't do it, cause it makes people mad and it causes scenes...
Or for all of you special people who always have to do the opposite of what anyone tells you, do it, and do it alot.
oi! but I'm irrelevant!

hummm.. what should I post: cheesy song lyrics, rants about my perfect and wonderful boyfriend, all the fun things happened today, or reveal a shining facet of my hidden personality? well I think I'll post 'em all!
---wait a second....I have none of these things. Oh well, looks like this will be a short post.


What random GIR quote are you?
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Congratulations, you're a Drac, a seductive fae.
What kind of female faerie are you?
Take the female faerie quizby Paradox.

I just got done shuffling about at the dance. I love parish center dances only because they play really loud music. The bass feels marvelous pounding at ones back, making the heart knock at the ribs!
I left early because I felt out of place and that I was better than the dance-- OMFG Mr.DJ followed "Stairway to Heaven" by some song by Nellie-- I don't think thats legal!!!!! Anyway, I am a retard, and I danced like a fruit. So I suppose its best i retract my statment about being better than the dance. Even though the party wasn't "hoppin' " and I was being "special" and I left early,
I can't help feeling.. perhaps it was a fruitful experience none-the-less.... hmmm..

What Spooky Being are You?



You are a vampire.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

---Don't Say You Want Me---Depeche Mode--
I'm going to take my time
I have all the time in the world
To make you mine
It is written in the stars above
The gods decree
You'll be right here by my side
Right next to me
You can run, but you cannot hide

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'cause it's no good

I'll be fine
I'll be waiting patiently
Till you see the signs
And come running to my open arms
When will you realise
Do we have to wait till our worlds collide?
Open up your eyes
You can't turn back the tide

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'cause it's no good

I'm going to take my time
I have all the time in the world
To make you mine
It is written in the stars above

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'cause it's no good

----------such a mawkish song---but I've been stuck on it for days.
I wonder if anyone knows what it is to hear such a, odd and/or old and/or strange and/or icky and/or stupid, song
and love it anyway because its tied to some lovely memory, or feeling that you can't describe... I dunno
whoa... I think that sounds like my life.. "an icky song":me, and "a lovely memory or feeling attached": being everything that makes up for me being icky. Which explains why a few, select, special, people like me...
or I'm just crazy and need sleep

Tomorrow is my birtday, but today I already got a card from my best friends and I got some M&M's and a panda/babydoll keychain from another best friend. Thank you all very much! =)

I've just figured that Its just ever soo much easier to write about things you hate that what you love. I wonder if thats true for everyone, or am I just crazy?
I think I'm gonna try and get into the spirit of the seasons by writing about nice things......
*gag* now that just sounds so... *gag* pleasant... I'll try and choke it down...

Things I FUCKING HATE!!!!!! MYAAArgghhooooorrrpppppipoooo!!!!
1. bob the drama queen
2.coldness, winter, icy toilet seats, cold floors
3.@$*@@$#@ING!!!! deadlines!
4. school projects
5. forgetting stuff
6. the dog
7. I hate people I hate!!!
8. when my socks don't fit
9. when my pants are too tight
10. when I have to pee really bad and I'm standing in line
11. sour chocolate milk is the fucking nastiest smell in the world
12. other peoples snivling problems ex: "Bon wont get out of the bathroom when I command her, though I know I could have gotten up earlier, but no! I am king and what I say goes"
13. tests
14. FRIKKIN EYE PICTURES
15. EYE PICTURES W/LUGUBRIOUS POEMS!!!!!!
16. Goddam Mondays
17. Mondays during the winter, when I have to deal with bob's shit, my clothes dont fit, I have a deadline on a school project, and when I get to school I forget the project at home, and I have a test I didn't study for because I was working on my project and I have to stay in class late to finish flunking it up and I get in the long lunchline and have to pee but can't or I'll have to wait in line again and all thats left in the milk cooler is the dented chocolate milk cartons that just happen to contain sour, chunky milk and then I have to 5 minutes to eat, after which I go and endure the rest of the boring, educationally unfullfilling schoolday, then go home and have the stupid dog jump up on me, or find puddles of piss on the floor, but I ignore it all and go to the computer and try to find some half-decent posts on the oekaki board but all I see are those stupid fucking n00b eye pictures with stupid poems........
blargh... oh well...

myarr.. where are you my darling? Better question: where am I?
Oh I miss you so!! (in a pityful, whiny dog howling voice) RAAAAAAUUUUU RAAAAAUUUUUU RAAAAAAAUUUUU......
I hope you havn't forgotten about me, My Love!!!! *dies*
*un-dies* I'm missin ya Joey.....

La la la... Its so much fun living at my house, somthing died in the furnace duct thingies and smellies are blowing all over the house. Another annoyance is bob. He took up the guitar and he plays is so loud... and so bad, over and over and over and over. When bob is not playing, his other favorite passtime is telling everyone how utterly useless they are and how they should do everything perfectly the way he would do it. (I think he's an angry boy and needs to get counciling).
I love how people are constantly calling (not for me) but I always have to get up and answer them and say "yeah, bob's here and he's jerking off, call back a li'l later". Then there is that poor, stupid animal buster who is infested with fleas and is neurotic and must bite himself constantly. Doing dishes at the darrin house is one of the most fun things in the universe. There are so many dishes it drives me crazy. I know we have way too many but I can get rid of them. I hate dishes, doing them depresses me so bad. Momma, if you read this pleeaase please can we rid of or just hide some dishes, BLAAAAARGH!!!! IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!!!
The accumulation of "stuff" like dishes is seriously out of control, at least in my opinion. There are soo many books, shoes, cleaning products, clothes, and miscillaneous shit that I can't understand why we keep. Feh...

"Congratulations, ZeeBubbleFish!
Your IQ score is 122 "
"...we can tell your Intellectual Type is an Insightful Linguist."
yep thats me...

------Alone-----
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were--I have not seen
As others saw--I could not bring
My passions from a common spring--
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow-- I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone--
And all I lov'd--I lov'd alone--
Then--in my childhood--in the dawn
Of a most stormy life--was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still--
From the torrent, or the fountain--
From the red cliff of the mountain
From the sun that round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold--
From the lighting of the sky
As it pass'd me flying by--
From the thunder, and the storm--
And the cloud the took the from
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view--

Edgar Allan Poe

I feel like shit... complete shit...
why??...

----Heartsick----
Pretty girl waiting for a kill
Smile full of malace, heartbreak is her thrill
Your precious affection
Cannot sheild you from her deception
Her eyes unblink as she belts out lies
Only you fall for it- raise your hope to the skies
Believe until she finds other happiness
In her scramble to fill the emptiness
Truth decays, and from her detatchment seeps
Cold, Ruthless lies-- the unhappy end
Her malevolence engulfs you, ------------------------------------and haunts you in your sleep

Its Friday night and everyone in the world is at the dance. I bet somthing really fucking awesome or funny happens as always does when I'm not there. I didn't wanna go because I just don't feel jiggy when i don't have any real clique to dance with and I'm like the oldest person there.When the dance ends I go home and I get deserted and its no fun to do nothing after doing everything. And there are always people harshing my mellow (lol) with their damn soap operas... boo friggin hoo...
I'm just gonna sit here and be content doing nothing on nothing.

------Hunger------
You are so sweet, ever so smooth
Oblivious to my consuming adoration.
Great and creamy, calling my passion,
Until I call you to feed my appetite
Repose in a cold chamber
Tried and true, I hunger for you

With all of the new bloggers being created and linked every which way, I'm starting to feel like an insignificant name in a huge pile. Bleh... but that doesn't matter. I think its really fantastic that more people around here are getting blogs. Everyone can display what they really feel about shit, once the've had time to think it over. Things can come out more clearly and truthfully when you don't have to stare people in the face. Perhaps... that might not be a good thing... but, anyway.. its getting people connected....

someone once asked me what the goal of my life is, and this is what I told him: "I want to be a great artist, a good person, happy, and I want to live a long life with someone I love."
Isn't that nice!

weeee heeee! I finally solved the Ice Manor puzzle in Alundra. It probably doesn't mean much to you, but I was so happy I almost shat myself! God, I must be stupid, I must have tried the same pattern 80 times but I missed just one little move. It was so damn easy!

I can't say that trying to "fix things" for people has ever worked at all, at least in my experience. You just can't say a few magic words or do things that will just make it all go away. I know i've really tried to help people out by doing things but.. thats just not the way it works. Most peoples problems, their heartaches, can't be changed by fighting their enemies, can't be changed by fighting someone elses battles.They wont learn anything if you do and say everything for them. Sometimes meddling with peoples troubles just makes everything worse.
The best thing you can do for your friends is just be there for them. Listen to what they have to say. You don't have to be brave for them, just be there, on their level and remind them that you are a friend and that they can confide in you.

I did a little updating on my geocities page, check out my page of friends.

Today I went to visit Alfred College, which wasn't too impressive. Though, I liked that It was on top of a mountain; it had a nice view, and it was kind of pretty when it snowed. But the buildings themselves were a disgusting example of modern architecture. You know; those kinds of buildings that have disgusting brown tile floors, a lack of ornamentation, sickly green colored walls, and poor ventalation.
I wonder why so many building s were built to look modern back in the 60's or 70's or whenever.. It doesn't look modern. I't looks like baby shit. Anyway.. I'm ranting, I should save that for the main event of my blog, which just so happens to be of the assembly we had today.
You probably have heard my rants about Penn-York Camp (if you havn't your probably should, I think they're pretty damn entertaining). Well those darling people have touched my life again with a presentation that will shape my life for years to come! *sarcasm* Those little skits were so well written, and performed I'm sure it changed the minds of every student that witnessed it *sarcasm*.
In all actuality I couldn't really understand what the hell those people were talking about. Though I did get a very clear picture that, even before they annouced they were affiliated with the camp, they were christians. One reason I could tell this is because their skits lacked reasons for why the things they did were wrong. What I mean is, through the whole thing I had a feeling that they cut out biblical ideology (ideas from the bible about good and bad) so they could present it to the school without violating any laws. Another reason is that if they weren't trying to impress watered down ideology on us ("be pure because being pure will benifit your life. Be pure just because."), they sure as hell didn't give us any facts. I'm sure if they weren't penn yorkers they would have supported their ideas about being pure with some real world facts about health and statistics about people dying; some real hard hitting stuff. The last thing is, that they rambled. This was a dead giveaway because they gave testimonials, like "witnesses to the lord" almost the exact same style i had heard in my brief penn-york chapels. They rambled on an on "Being pure will save you, being pure will..blah blah blah..". Just like the witnesses I had heard at camp "Believe in Jesus, accept him as your only savior and you will be saved," repeat 30x.
I'm not saying though, that christians are bad or stupid or anything like that. I'm trying to rip on those god awful penn-yorkers. They can't organize any damn ideas and present them in a way that we can accept or understand or even pay attention to. Like I said in my last rant about PYers is that they rant until their message becomes obscured.
(Though I can't claim that my writing is getting any real point across; I believe that if people are gonna take it upon themselves to make a change in everyones life, they should at least have real facts, ideas, and stories to present.)
I think that the whole assembly was terrible. The acting was poor, the writing was poor, and it looked like it was organized in 30 minutes.The skits were ambigous and confused the messages(its not okay to drink use, drugs or have sex, but It sure is hell funny to beat up your friends). The only thing that almost redeemed it was the people testifying about there own experiences, but they didn't say much that was relevant to their ideas of purity, and again: their skits confused it all.
Near the end of the assembly I was going mad, the man on stage was blabbering and I just about screamed "wrap it up you dumb fuck". I can only take so much relentless branding of ideas on to my mind! Especially when they are preaching to the choir.
I'm not gonna say I'm all snow white pure, but I do abstain from drugs, sex, and other things that could incriminate me, or make me otherwise smelly. I do it for real reasons too, not because jesus wants me to or because "its just a good idea", but because this is a dangerous world and I'm not the kind of person who could easily handle consequences of fucking around with stuff.

After I had excaped the grip of the evil slave driver Bon, I stalked about the night with Christa. It was really cold and there wasn't anything to do so we went home. Then I saw a crowd of hyper candy zombies and I followed them. I ran around and I didn't get too cold. I even did some trick-o-treating, as ashamed as I might be of saying that. I think that everyone I was running with was more anxious to get to the candy than some little kids. I don't think I've ever seen Cue-Ball (formerly known as Matt) run so much.
I had a pretty good time...

Whats different about me? Why are you worrying about me?
I knew that I wasn't exactly whirling about like my usual self.. but when you asked about me I got kinda scared.
Do you think there is really somthing wrong with me? If its about my poems I don't mean anything I say about dying or cuting myself up. I think thats all really awful. I just was curious about it all and just spit out things I've heard people say. I thought It might make them think about what they are saying and how it scares me. I guess I've been going about it all wrong...
Anyway, with the way people were asking about me. I wondered if there is somthing wrong. I wrote about all the stuff that bothered me last night, and it did make me feel better. I filled about 4 or 5 pages.

damn........

..... Sentiments From a Poor Boy ...
Friend, when we are together life is good
Under starry skies we held each other close
Can we go back? When I'm with you I feel free
Killing me inside..The Only Hope In Me
Only you are precious
Friend, how could you say you love me
Friend, how could you turn bad...ignore me
Bleeding with the pain, a scar you tore inside
I won't leave you now, life without you is lonely
Tears fall, what dries them is only your beauty
Can our love be the same? Can we begin today?
How can I find the words I long to say?......

CUT
--cut cut cut..
you would know if you had tried
to release the sickness sealed inside
somthing new to make you feel alive
--cut cut cut...
hating every day
and growing insane
a rush to hide your wakeining pain
to obscure the scars that "healed in time"
somthing warm makes you remember you are alive
can't resist, but...
you must
--cut cut cut cut cut cut cut
and from your wounds flows
only blood
no clumps of clotted long lost love
spots of red to cover the tears
that fell on your pillow.
--cut cut cut
as much as your will shall allow
let it all out now
bleeding warm and wet
a rush through the blood you let
-- cut cut cut cut cut cut cut
has it lost its meaning yet?

yay... relentless boredom, its gonna kill me. I stayed up until 1 am playing with neopets for god's sake! someone save me!!!
The dance sucked.
I look at dances like some awful melodramatic three act play. I can sit in the dark corner and watch everyone shyly advance on the dance floor. Then I see them make their plans form their circles and put things into motion. After that things go downhill; somebody pays a little too much attention to somebody elses bf or gf. Finnally things fall apart or you see some girl crying in a corner ( a staple of junior high dances) the dancers recede from the dance floor.
Your probably thinking I need a life. Yeah, I know, I'm a social failure. Yet, it doesn't bother me, I'm used to it...I guess.

Suicide System: Only a Test
My life is filled with misery, I have nothing left to live for, and nobody fucking loves me.
I hope my life ends tonight. I hope the burden of my life will be lifted, that this usless chore of exisitance will be terminated.
My life's a mess, its all screwed up. Nothing fits in its place, it all falls apart.
Theres a bleeding gap in my mind and heart. I can't do anything right.
Tonight, I'll tell you this with all so perfect certainty. Tommorrow, I'll deny it.
Hey, everyone else is doing it..so why can't I.
In all truth I don't care to die, but the simpathy that it brings is simply delicious.
The strain that it causes you is heavy and malicious.
Welcome smiling skull man, take me now to hell!
I know the living will be there as well, as soon as I'm gone...
But this is just a test, It will pass over tonight
You can come see me smile in the morning light.

(note to self-- never publish "free-form poems" ever again)

So I've been asked, and also because I feel like being a copycat; I'll tell ya what songs I'd put on the soundtrack of my life.
and Just to show off I'll put them in chronoligical order!!!!
Take on Me- A ha!
All You Ever Do Is Bring Me Down- The Mavericks
Heart Shaped Box- Nirvana
My Baby's got a secret-Madonna
You Oughta know
Ironic- Alanis
Killing Me softly- Fugees
I Want You- Savage Garden
Tubthumper- Chumbawamba
More Than This-The Cure
X-Files Theme-The Dust Brothers
Special
Push It
Temptation waits-Garbage
Black- Sarah McLachlan
Thank U- Alanis
Nothing Really Matters-Madonna
Better Than it was- Fastball
Nothing New
I'm Not Sorry, I was Having fun- Chumbawamba
White Reflection- Gundam Wing
Runaway- Sugar Ray
Porcelain
Why Does my heart feel so bad?- Moby
Mi Na Soko Ni Nemure- Blue Sub 6
Crawling- Linkin Park
Wonderwall- Oasis
Gone- Madonna
In The End- Linkin Park
Highway To Hell-Marilyn Manson
You Owe Me Nothing in Return- Alanis
Gravity- Gorrilaz
Unfinished Simpathy- Massive Attack
Oridnary World- Aurora
Sandstorm- Darude
Endless Sorrow- Ayumi
Welcome 2000!- Di Gi Charat
Outta My Head- Kylie Minogue
Us and Them
The Wall- Pink Floyd
May It Be-Enya
The Perfect Drug-NIN
That pretty much concludes the list. Its pretty big but still had to edit it a little. What lies before you isn't what represents my life now but almost the entirety of it. Take on Me all the way to My baby's got a secret is my childhood. You oughta know to Tubthumper is the good ol' days when I spent all day at Xa's hanging out and jumping on the trampoline. The next is the days of My X-files obsession (More than this and X-Files them) then to the bad ol' days during the transition from elem. to Highschool ( Special-I'm not Sorry). Then it goes through to my obsession with my internet friends (Whit Reflection- Highway to Hell) and the annoyance that caused. Lastly, it goes into now, where I'm pretty happy and content with things.
All of my life wrapped into a neat package tied with a string. Fantastic!!!

yay.. everyone in the world is at homecoming. But I ain't complaining! I had a fruitful night going to the movies with my friends. That seems more fruitful than any other alternative. I hope the people who went come back alive, and with everything intact.

Homecoming weekend....wheee......
Three day weekend-- WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Seasons Ayumi Hamasaki
This year, another season has passed.
Memories have become faded.
The border between my vague dream and
reality has become blurred.

Even so, the dream I once told you of
had not a single lie in it.
La La-i

Today was fun,
and tomorrow will surely be fun as well.
"These days will continue forever,"
or so I thought at the time.

Throughout the endless days I felt
as if something was missing.

I blamed it on these unnatural times,
and just gave up.
La La-i
Today was very sad,
and even if I cry tomorrow,
someday the time will come that I can laugh
and remember the time we had together.

How much time must pass by,
in this finite existence of ours?
We'll live in the now,
and what will we find?

OMG this morning was so rough for poor prince bob! Everyone was already up and someone was in the bathroom before him. Poor bob, my sister was soooo foolish to get in there before him, she should know that the world stops for bob! He can get anything and do anything whenever he wants because the universe is centered around him. Bon sure messed up the order of things. I'm glad bob came around to inforce his self appointed rules of the household. Without him, I'm sure our family would fall apart!!
My mother was such a fool, she is asked bob why he didn't get up when his alarm went off. But bob simply replied it wasn't on, and that people should know that he needs his his time in the bathroom and he needed to leave. Far be it from me to critcise the prince, but it sounds to me like a personal problem.
Then while my sister was washing her hair bob tore through the kitchen looking for food. My sister had poured the last bowl of cocoa crispies and it was sitting on the counter. He screamed to my mom that it wasn't fair, that she couldn't obtian the last bowl by pouring it out and leaving it there while she did her business. He told my mom that he was going to eat it because he could. My mother, being the anarchist she is told the prince "no!". Then he sullenly poured himself some honey nut cheerios.... poor prince bob... if i had the last bowl of cocoa crispies I would surely give it to him....in the face...

My blog is so boring, It needs imagination. The sad fact is though, that I have no imagination on account of it has been strangled by going to school. I have to think logically all day..... nnnnnrgg... oh well...

Today was Extended Breakfast Day. The only thing I ate today was breakfast foods. I didn't bother getting dressed in my public pants and I just sat around bein' lazy. I did however, go to JCPenny's and get myself some new bras, yay!!!! Yet..there was no real purpose and no higlight of the day... it was just a day that happened and now its night.....

Today I went to the little school for an open house. It brang back a whole bunch of happy childhood memories (sarcasm...)!!!!!
I was totally jipped when I was in elementary school. There are spiffy computers, and the rooms are deacorated fantastically and it seems like the learning material is more advanced. I bet those damn toadstool spores are smarter than me!!! God I hate little kids!!!

::Listening to "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode::
Religion is a wrench thrown in the gears of the machine of human advancements. This "wrench" I think, has been thrown by the earliest of early men, cave men perhaps, and still causes human development to grind to a screeching halt, whenever holy wars are fought, or religious ethics get in the way of scientific development.

Today when I was in the bathroom making myself pretty, Bon alerts me that there is a fungus among us. In the crack between the bathtub and the linolium was a small brown mushroom growing out of the mildew. A mushroom growing in the bathroom! I almost cried, but I couldn't help laughing at the stupid thing. It was a pitiful thing, it had been bent over from someone stepping on it. This mushroom is a testiment to the filthyness of my house and how long its been since I've cleaned the bathroom. It makes me feel guilty that I hardly do anything around here. It also makes me feel kinda sad 'cause it reminds me how I just let things go to spoil and ruin sometimes. But I laugh at the little mushroom because its just a little mushroom trying to make it in the big world, its kinda cute in a way and it is kind of weird that it happen to grow inside of my house. I think I've learned some kind of lesson from the mushroom but I don't think I wanna ponder over it for too long, cause I'll start thinking I'm a nut.

I have figured the biggest bastard I know, is my own brother. Though I do not think he is worthy of being my brother. He is inconsiderate, pigheaded,hypocritical assinine, anal retentive, sefish spoiled brat with the sense of justice of a 5 year old. He takes every little occurance in the house and blows it way out of proportion. He won't listen to anyone but himself and always has to get the last word even if it means, spitting in your face and pushing you down and kicking you. He is 15 years old and can't controll himself. He is always looking for someone to blame for problems that he can deal with himself. He complains that he can't bring a girl over to the house because it is filthy, but does no housework whatsoever, does not even try to make an effort around here. He walks around the house, (that majestic prince!) and orders everyone about like they are mentally incompetant. If he could only see how stupid an childish he is.
Last night i was endeavoring to finish my history project, when prince bob graced me with his presence! He ordered me to get off the computer so he could use ICQ. Well its been established that homworks takes priority over ICQ time. But prince bob just breaks into a chorus of "you should have started earlier" "print out the information and write it down" "your a retard and your doing everything wrong" perhaps it would seem like anyone would say that but he says it 30 times. Every 2 minutes "you should have started earlier" and repeated the sequence for about 2 hours, in a deadly tone of voice. What in the hell is so important that he has to tell his gay buddies that he can't pick up a phone and say....

Today sucks, I am extremly bored and I have so many things to do. I've gotta clean my room and I've gotta do a stupid project for social studies and for english and biology. Its like 100% humidity inside of my house, I can hardly breathe because the air is liquid...
Xa has been kidnapped by a gang of conservative christians...
I miss my man-muse... I hope I see him again soon....
The only good thing that has come out of today is the rain....

How dumb are you?

The other day I had come to the realization that my life is boring. I can sum my life up into one word, and that word is boring. I realized that one of my only joys in life is to make people love me or fall in love. Well of course you probably say that thats everybody's joy- yet still... My methods of going about this business can be questionable, especially to myself. I use manipulation, pity, black magic (everything but lie!) all to ensnare victims in my love trap. Aye, but its not a trap, I'm chasing my victims! The one joy of my life, my most favorite hobby, is chasing what I want. Though, the kill sometimes is so.. dissapointing..
Oh look at me now, ranting like a crazy person! What I mean to say is that without boys to run after, I have nothing else to do, nothing interesting at all to occupy my time... If my life were a book, no one would want to read it. It would be dull and redundant..
I've done nothing tremendous, I've never contributed to anything and I can't say that I'm very intelligent or witty..and chasing after boys just isn't getting me anywhere.-I'm not saying that I'm going to give up on chasing my dreams but I think I'm going to stop being evil and manipulative and actually build a good relationship with somone. I know a specific person too, who I love very much and cannot chase nor, kill. He is like a bird, with bright plumage. He flys around in the bright blue sky and blesses me with his beauty. He should be guarded by an angel in heaven with the softest touch and most tender care.
Oy! behold I am rambling again! But, when It comes right down to It.. I guess I'll never be able to stop myself from being a love fool.
I guess the topic sentence of this rant is all wrong... what it's about is more on the boycrazy side than on the fact that my life is boring.
I suppose, that the very top sentece should read " My life is boring because I spend all of my time being boycrazy" No doubt I have bored you, if, perchance you had actually had the time to read this entire rant. If you have, in all actuallity,been bored by this rant, you have had but a small taste of the merciless boredom that is my life.
And now, after typing all of this nonsense I have come to another conclusion,(a rather pointless conclution, but a conclusion no less!)and I will use this conclusion as the very last sentence in this rant, which will read:
"Eating a half-gallon of French Roast Coffee Ice cream, will make you rant about some very fucked up shit indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its crazy what people do when there obsessed with someone. They can really distort their lives. Xa sez that some girl is cutting herself up over some guy. That is just fucking insane, it gives me the chills when I think about it. That girl must be mentally imbalanced and obsessed. If I were the guy, and I knew about what that girl was doing, I would shit myself!!! I know how it is to have crazies obsessed with me, though they never cut my name into their wrists (at least that I know of). They collected huge picture collages of me, openly told me about "dishonoring the goddess" while thinking about me, and some other questionable things. All that stuff gives me the creeps, but if I had a crazy that was cutting theirself over me I'd keel over and die....

The gates of Heaven opened, as the angels sang a golden melody. Then, the Trap Door of Hell swung open, and an icy breeze blew up from below! Hell froze over, and Naya updated her blog!!!!!!!